And I am … weary that is. 

There are times I just want peace, selfishly for myself. Fighting tim's depression, mood swings and self-loathing, wears me out, it tires me and breaks my heart. And today when I bent to pick up his ART meds, he no longer wants to take … today I wondered why I continue. That scared me, that question, because never before have I asked it.

Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year, for him and so for me.  It brings memories to my sweet husband, things, time and people that are lost to him. The lack, leaves holes and dark empty spaces no one and nothing can fill. 

I beg him to take his meds, remind him today is only one day and it will pass … that tomorrow will be a better day.  he takes them, but I can see the disappointment  in his eyes as that lie passes my lips.

And I wonder for how much longer I can do this?  How much longer will he bear what he does before he chooses to stop his meds?  

And I give myself a shake and go to shower. It's Friday and we have an appointment to keep.