Life-altering accidents and circumstances

[Tiger]

I started this poll because of the another thread. Someone posed such a question, so I thought I woul start a thread about this particular subject. As for me personally, I would not leave someone based on either circumstance, because I believe that if you really love someone and are committed to that person, you should not leave him or her just because of something beyond your control. When my father had a stroke that left him in a persistent vegitative state, my mom took care of him. I would do no less for the one that I loved.

[Drewbie]

I would probably stay with them, would rule out dating a guy in a wheel chair in the first place.

 

As for if partner not able to perform, there are ways to get around that part, like medication etc, not a big deal.

 

but for burns or another accident, I don't know what I would do.

[Benji]

I started this poll because of the another thread. Someone posed such a question, so I thought I woul start a thread about this particular subject. As for me personally, I would not leave someone based on either circumstance, because I believe that if you really love someone and are committed to that person, you should not leave him or her just because of something beyond your control. When my father had a stroke that left him in a persistent vegitative state, my mom took care of him. I would do no less for the one that I loved.

 

 

..........I was surprised at the "results" so far of the 1st question, perhaps they misread it. Some may know that my wife suffered a massive ceberal hemorrhage 11 years ago, followed by being knocked to the ground by a horse 4 years ago that broke her hip. The brain injury has left her with a left paralyized arm, how she is able to walk is beyond me. The brain injury also left her with her making diminished decisions, her judgement is very bad (the horse, she was never supposed to go into the corral and knew it). (BTW, the horse was there only to motivate her to walk out and get some exercise) In fact, we had to leave our mountain where we lived because of some poorly made decisions. I woke up one winter morning to find her gone, at some point in the night she heard the puppies crying outside and attempted to investigate fell and could not get up again, mind you it was @ 28 degrees outside and she could have froze to death. I have had her family suggest that perhaps a "home" would be for the best. I could not even think of that happening, I'm committed til death does us part.

[old bob]

well, what you would do in theory and what the real life brings you as experiments are often different !

In my case, my partner, I mean my wife, couldn

[AFriendlyFace]

Hmm, interesting question.

 

The only answer I could give is "Yes, I would stay" because I think that once a serious commitment has been made anything less would be very inappropriate. I am assuming that it's a serious commitment, however, and of course the circumstances and the degree of commitment in the relationship would determine a great deal, but yes, in generally if this is someone I consider to be my life partner I wouldn't even consider leaving them for such a reason to be a viable option. I might actually be miserable and really want to, but I would likely be bound by a sense of duty and commitment. Hopefully, if it were someone I really loved a great deal the burden wouldn't seem as heavy or difficult to bear.

 

Also, for me I'm pretty sure the second scenario would be much easier to handle than the first. Fire scars, especially serious ones, can be quite significant and would definitely take some getting used to. I would very likely much more readily, and comfortably adjust to a partner who couldn't have sex. Besides, for me 'sex' is such a comprehensive, inclusive thing. There are so many ways to be sexual with someone that the person simply being unable to engage in 'traditional' sex, while unfortunate, wouldn't be that big a deal. (I mean it would, but certainly not in the greater scheme of things). I mean I could still be sexual and I can imagine lots of outlets for me that still wouldn't break our monogamy agreement (and no, I wouldn't be sexual with anyone else or break the monogamy agreement, even if I were given 'permission'). It would be a much harder cross to bear for my partner than for me.

 

Just my thoughts, also I would like to offer my sympathy and respect to Benji and Old Bob for what they and their wives have had to go through.

 

Take care all and have a great day,

Kevin

[Krista]

Well I think the poll lends itself to hopeful answers. Even I found myself thinking it would be easy to stay with someone who I have made a significant commitment to or that I'm married to. Physically it wouldn't bother me to stay with someone as the physical part is just one level and it takes so much more than that before a commitment is made in the first place and it be healthy and lasting. So scarring, would definitely take time to get used to, but it is something that would be in the back of my mind.

 

The emotional scarring that the person would take on after that would be something that I would struggle with. You can console and encourage all you want really. It's the changes in their personality, self-esteem, the way they spoke and reacted, if any combinations of those change it would be difficult for me to honestly stay with that person. As it would be like dating a complete stranger with a lot of emotional baggage attached.

[Andy2008]

i really don't know what do i do if it's gonna happen to me ... Say is easy , act is harder part ...Honestly , i don'n even know if i'm gonna stay with my parner in that situation or not . But i just thought , if someone who really mean to you , like your soulmate in difficult circumstance , at this time, they realy lonely , they may had negative think and they need you a most ...At this time you need to prove the power of love can get over on circumstance ....

 

Everybody love sex ( who wouldn't ) but sex just a part of love , like a bonus . You and your parnet can satisfy by the other way ...

When i read this topic , it just remind me a story " love in the chair " on efiction . I would like these character in that story , they still together no matter what unlucky things happen in their life ....

[Demetz]

I like to believe I would stay... but i haven't been in the position to know for sure what I would do. I know at the very least that I would try to make it work, but as already mentioned, the personality changes can also be very hard to handle.

[Andy2008]

oh yes it is ...

We easy to being temptation by the other stronger than str8 ...

Just said : I not sure what i do in that situation just try to make it work ...

[JamesSavik]

From the other side of the life altering circumstances, I can tell you that they do in fact run like scalded dogs.

[colinian]

I'm in love with my partner. If something awful happened to Doug I'd stick with him, and he says he'll do the same for me. In our case, love is forever, for better or for worse, till death do us part.

 

Colin

[AFriendlyFace]

The emotional scarring that the person would take on after that would be something that I would struggle with. You can console and encourage all you want really. It's the changes in their personality, self-esteem, the way they spoke and reacted, if any combinations of those change it would be difficult for me to honestly stay with that person. As it would be like dating a complete stranger with a lot of emotional baggage attached.

I think Krista makes excellent points on this matter!

 

i really don't know what do i do if it's gonna happen to me ... Say is easy , act is harder part ...Honestly , i don'n even know if i'm gonna stay with my parner in that situation or not . But i just thought , if someone who really mean to you , like your soulmate in difficult circumstance , at this time, they realy lonely , they may had negative think and they need you a most ...At this time you need to prove the power of love can get over on circumstance ....

That's exactly right too! It's a difficult problem no matter what!

 

I'm in love with my partner. If something awful happened to Doug I'd stick with him, and he says he'll do the same for me. In our case, love is forever, for better or for worse, till death do us part.

I'm sure you guys would get through it in tact

[Tiger]

From the other side of the life altering circumstances, I can tell you that they do in fact run like scalded dogs.

I'm sorry to hear that. I can try as hard as I can to figure out exactly what it's like, but the only way to know for sure is to actually live through it. I definitely prefer not to do that.

Edited April 25, 2008 by TL The Writing Tiger

[rknapp]

Depends. Did I love them/they love me before the accident? If so then I certainly would stay with them. If there wasn't any love between us beforehand then I would be there for them to help them cope, but I don't think we'd stay together (for reasons not inclusive of any accidents).

[old bob]

Just my thoughts, also I would like to offer my sympathy and respect to Benji and Old Bob for what they and their wives have had to go through.

Take care all and have a great day,

Kevin

Hi Kevin

Always a nice word for the "suffering" people !

Thanks a lot

Take care all and have a great day yourself.

Old bob

[Davey]

I'm in love with my partner. If something awful happened to Doug I'd stick with him, and he says he'll do the same for me. In our case, love is forever, for better or for worse, till death do us part.

 

Colin

 

Much like Colin said,

 

Chris and I are in love, its that simple, we're committed to each other in sickness and health. So regardless of circumstance we stay and work with it. I'm in this for life.

 

Davey

[Tiger]

It's nice to see people who are so dedicated to their significant other. It seems to be a dying sentimentality. I wish that wasn't the case. Some act like we're so bad, yet the divorce rate among the heteros is 50% or more. I wonder how many of those divorces happen simply because of something happening like we're talking about in this thread.

Edited April 29, 2008 by TL The Writing Tiger

[Drewbie]

It's nice to see people who are so dedicated to their significant other. It seems to be a dying sentimentality. I wish that wasn't the case. Some act we're so bad, yet the divorce rate among the heteros is 50% or more. I wonder how many of those divorces happen simply because of something happening like we're talking about in this thread.

 

Agree with the Sentiment. Nice to see couples so dedicated to eachother like tiiger has said. Earlier, still the same, I know from now, that mostly I would stay with a lover, but some I don't know for sure, but probably will, how would your partner feel for leaving them?

 

If these stats I heard is correct most have to do with other issues.

[AFriendlyFace]

Much like Colin said,

 

Chris and I are in love, its that simple, we're committed to each other in sickness and health. So regardless of circumstance we stay and work with it. I'm in this for life.

 

Davey

Awww

 

It's nice to see people who are so dedicated to their significant other. It seems to be a dying sentimentality. I wish that wasn't the case. Some act we're so bad, yet the divorce rate among the heteros is 50% or more. I wonder how many of those divorces happen simply because of something happening like we're talking about in this thread.

If these stats I heard is correct most have to do with other issues.

Yes, exactly.

 

Not to be cynical but this is just a theoretical poll, and for most of us the situation is something we can only imagine. While I do sincerely believe the members that have commented saying that they would stay with their partner (myself being among their number) we can't really know how we'd handle it until we're faced with it. It also seems likely that the real issues and difficulties that would come up would be secondary to the accident and more of a result of it than anything else. It might be fine to be willing to take care of your incapacitated, disfigured partner, but it might be harder to see someone who was once so strong and full of life wasting away, losing hope, and feeling worthless.

 

I do believe we're a good bunch and that we'd care for our own, but let's remember that 'but for the grace go I'.

 

Take care all

-Kevin

[Pai-kun]

I'd love to honestly say "yes" to both questions... But I'm not sure what I'd do in such situations, so I'm not sure. It would depend on lots of things. But if I had been together with someone for, lets say three years or so, and still were in love with the guy and something like this happened; Yes, I think I'd stay with him. But I'm not really sure. It would be much more simple to answer if I had a partner at the moment and could reflect these questions with him in mind. I don't think that's something I'll ever know the answer too, unless it actually happens to me.

[Dion]

If there was real love there then I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to stick with him, so that's how I answered.

 

I don't have anything to base it on, I just believe that I could do it out of love. Where there's a will, there's a way.

[AFriendlyFace]

I don't think that's something I'll ever know the answer too, unless it actually happens to me.

Then may you never know the answer

[greenmann]

Then may you never know the answer

 

Very true.

 

While I have never had a SO in this situation, and maybe if I was in a relationship as loving as some of you apparently have i might feel differently, but I did help care for my mother when she was going through cancer and died of it. Its not quite the same, but it amazes me how family dynamics change and skew when these kinds of things are involved. And its not just the person who is sick/injured who is affected emotionally/physically/spiritually, etc. My sister would get physically sick when my mom was at her worst, I think in sympathy with her. I think this was also the time she stopped goign to church. My brother (who was the only one of the three of us living on his own at the time) would breeze in and make all kinds of 'helpfull' suggestions, then leave. My sis and I would just roll our eyes as he left, getting frustrated and feeling guilty about being frustrated that he wasn't more help, since he was having problems of his own at the time. We all had this kind of guarded attitude toward the end. It's a difficult thing to explain to folks who have not gone through it, but let's just say it confirmed for me that I do not want to see any other loved ones go slowly enough I can say goodbye. Make it a clean cut please.

 

So from experience I would say that yes, I would try my damndest to help and be supportive and loving and all that, but there are so many issues with this that it is really impossible to say. It's so easy to say "we love each other, of course I would stay!" but when the reality sets in and your lover is sniping at you because he is deppressed and feeling like sh**, the meds he is on give him mood swings to the point you barely recognize him, your facing yet another month of scrounging for the money to pay medical bills AND keep food on the table and the house heated... stress does screwy things to relationships.

 

 

This is such a complex question, with no real easy answer. Most of it, like life, depends on the circumstances.

[Dion]

Sorry to butt in again.

 

jamessavik's reply has made me think about the flip side to this poll: If something happened to you, would you try to make your SO find someone else?

 

This may be a little controversial and I'm not trying to start an argument, but I was wondering what people's responses would be.

 

For myself, I'd have to say 'no'. If anything, I'd probably become more emotionally dependant on them. Of course I can't be sure, considering I've never been in that situation, but knowing my character as well as I do I'd have to say I wouldn't intentionally drive them off. Become obnoxiously needy and high-maintenance to the point where they'd want to leave, yes... send them away - no. I think I can say that with certainty given where I'm at now and the knowledge that if I were in a relationship with someone I'd probably do my level best to hang on to them, even if it wasn't a good idea.

 

Thoughts?

[AFriendlyFace]

Very true.

 

....

 

This is such a complex question, with no real easy answer. Most of it, like life, depends on the circumstances.

Great response, Greenmann!

 

 

Sorry you had to go through all that

 

 

If something happened to you, would you try to make your SO find someone else?

That's an excellent question, in my opinion! Personally, I would urge you to create a thread/poll posing that very question!

 

For myself I'm pretty sure that no matter what my final answer would be that I would make it clear that it was his decision and that I would do my best to support it either way. I would never want to get to the point where I flat out said, "leave me", but I also would never want to get to the point were I said, "don't leave me" (because of my condition). Instead I'd always be shooting for, "make your own decision".

 

Of course the circumstances would dictate which way I was leaning, and which way I was, as a result, probably subtly pushing him. I can imagine situations in which I would really really hate for him to go and as a result I'd be leaning toward the stay option, but conversely I can imagine a lot of situations in which I think he'd clearly be better off and I'd feel like I did haven't his best interests at heart if I didn't sway him a little more toward knowing that I thought that was okay. I suppose there are even instances in which it might get to the point that I explicitly did one or the other, but I certainly hope to avoid such extreme situations.

 

As I said, it's all about the situation and circumstances. Take for example the me being badly scarred in a fire. In that situation I'm assuming that the damage would be purely superficial and I wouldn't have difficulty functioning and surviving on a daily basis. As a result if it were really hard for him to see me that way, and if it were badly affecting our relationship, I'd probably prefer for him to leave (again, I hope I wouldn't flat out make that request though). On the other hand, it wouldn't be a big deal in terms of sacrifice or labour he's putting in, so if he was okay with the way it looked and we were still happy for the most part, then of course I'd want him to stay!

 

Looking at something more debilitating that required considerable effort and sacrifice on his part, then it would come down to quite a few factors. Selfishly I'd probably prefer for him to stay and take care of me, but I'd feel much worse about the whole thing. If I were financially able to hire others to look after me, then there's a good chance I'd want him to go...on the other hand if I/we were financially able to hire others to look after me, then I'd definitely be in favour of doing that in the first place and sparing him the messy, labourious details. I'm not one of those people who would only want his spouse/close family members taking care of him in those ways. I've always been comfortable paying for services and I don't get embarrassed about that kind of thing at all. In fact I'd probably be more embarrassed about someone I did have a personal relationship with doing those things for me. So all around it would be a better solution to hire someone to take care of those things as much as possible.

 

It would also depend on his place in life and his ambitions. If it were near the end of our lives I'd have a much stronger bias for him staying. If on the other hand he were young and had his whole life ahead of him, I'd have a very strong bias for him leaving. Part of this is that while I'd hope that my older partner would eventually 'move on' and perhaps meet someone else, I would assume that he'd be okay with not 'remarrying' (and if we'd spent our whole lives together and he were older, I'd be more okay with that too). On the other hand if my partner were young or middle aged, then I'd very much want to see him move on and 'remarry' so I'd think the sooner he did it the better. Apart from romantic relationships there's tons of other social, career, and personal objectives to take into consideration and these too would likely be more pronounced in a younger partner.

 

I could go on and on, unfortunately all these things are likely to be in some random combination so it won't be so straightforward, but in the end I would hope to simply convey to him that it was his decision and I'd cope with the ramifications and be as supportive as possible either way.

 

 

-Kevin