Are you violating your S/O's privacy?

[NaperVic]

While reading Domluka's Hello Stupid, Taylor started 'snooping' around Luke's apartment as well as answered his telephone without his knowledge.

 

Reading that brought back memories of frequent disagreements I had with a past significant other (S/O). One of our big fights was over my looking at his cell phone history to see who called him. I obviously thought it was okay (and would have been okay if he looked at mine, I had nothing to hide). He thought otherwise.

 

Do you think it's okay for a Significant Other to be able to look at the cell phone history and or other personal/private things? Should S/O's have private things from each other?

 

Just curious what others think....

[kitten]

Just because someone has a s/o doesn't mean he gives up his basic rights to privacy. If I had a b/f who invaded my privacy by snooping like that then I'd immediately dump him. No matter how much love was involved, such a violation of my personal privacy would destroy all trust between us so the relationship would no longer be viable.

 

Kit

[rknapp]

He can answer my phone and look at my call history (and in fact, he HAS looked at my text message history), but snooping is a big no-no. Now, if he asked me before hand if he could go through my personal things, it would be a different story. Though, I don't think John has any interest in going through my collection of old computer parts, or my toolbox/box of car stuff. Likewise if I wanted to go through a collection of his, I would ask his permission first. But, since we trust each other, there is no reason for doing something like that.

[Linxe Termoil]

In Hello Stupid, Luke told Taylor to let himself back in when he got done walking with the dog, and while he was kind of snooping a little bit, I think more of it was out of curiousity than anything else, I don't feel he was truly violating Luke's privacy within regards to that. Answering the phone wasn't really a violation of privacy either, as he left a message for Luke that Rory had called. If someone was at my house and I was unavailable to answer it than I would hope they'd pick up. Now snooping through someone's phone messages and txt messages is an extreme no no. I'd be seriously pissed if someone did that to me.

 

Now, Taylor didn't snoop through Luke's bedroom, just through the common parts of the apartment that guests would be hanging out in anyways. If he'd gone into Luke's bedroom without permission, which is considered a private area, than that would also be extremely different, seeing as how I get pissed when people come into my bedroom without my permission, even if I have the door shut.

 

Jon

[MikeL]

I agree with Robbie that it's primarily a matter of trust. You should not violate that trust - or demonstrate a lack of trust - by snooping in your SO's private matters or property. If your SO isn't trustworthy himself, he will demonstrate that in short order.

 

Taylor's snooping crossed the line when he removed a picture from its frame to see if the subjects were identified. Answering the phone was another courtesy or favor he was performing for Luke...and it gave us a most enjoyable part of the chapter, his conversation with Rory.

[Linxe Termoil]

I forgot about the picture part in the story. I'd agree with that too, that's a violation of privacy too. If I remember correctly as well, I think that was the first time Taylor had ever been in Luke's apartment, so some of what Taylor did I'm gonna pass off to Taylor trying to learn more about his "kinda boyfriend".

 

Jon

[Krista]

Personal space like that shouldn't be violated and I would hate for people to go through my cell phone history. My mother did that and that just opened up interrogations all the time.. lol. So that alone is part of the reason why I don't snoop and I hate when people snoop on my stuff.

 

I am understanding enough to forgive that person.. if they did snoop, but if they become controlling or it becomes a habit for them then there will be problems.

[Graeme]

In principle, Kit is right -- being in a relationship doesn't mean you've given up your right to privacy. You do give up part of your privacy, but not all of it.

 

Where the line gets drawn is something that's specific to each couple. For example, neither my wife nor I hide anything on the computer so we're free to browse each other's folders (we both have administrator accounts, while the boys have restricted accounts). However, unless there's a reason, such as being asked by the other person to try to find a particular document, we don't do it.

 

Neither of us would have a problem with going through the other person's call history, but both of us would be question the other if they were found 'snooping'.

 

Where the new privacy lines get drawn is a matter for negotiation and discussion. Any time you want to stray into a personal area it's polite to ask first unless you have reason to believe there won't be a problem. Looking at a mounted photo that is on public display is fine. Even picking it up and checking the back to see if there are any notes would be fine. Removing it from the frame isn't.

[corvus]

I think I'd only get uneasy about my S/O looking through my call history if I had something to hide. And, really, that'd be my fault -- if I had something to hide...

 

Kit is right, of course, about basic privacy and stuff. But meh. That to me feels kind of artificial in a very close relationship.

[Dion]

I think it's a matter of perception. If a person puts a photo on display, it would be a no-no for a visitor to remove it from its frame. For a partner to do so isn't, in my opinion. What if the frame or glass broke? Or the back came off? If the picture is in a public area of the house I don't think it a big deal for a SO to take it out and look at it, any more so than to remove a picture from a photo album and look at the back of it. It's the same thing.

 

At the risk of having tomatoes thrown at me, I haven't read the story in question. But from the posts I've read here I'd have to say I don't believe it to be an invasion of privacy if a SO did a little 'snooping'.

 

The corollary to this is: It's alright for them to look around if they live there. If they don't, then it isn't.

 

I personally would be irritated if my SO poked around my house when they were visiting. If they lived with me, they'd be within their rights to learn about their home. I'd rather they didn't rifle through the things in my office but that's a guideline I'd establish from the start. That's my personal area. I wouldn't invade theirs.

 

Further to that, however, if my SO didn't have their own personal area in the house for whatever reason I don't think I'd kick up too much fuss if they used my office. Then I'd only be upset if they went through my files (yes, I still have files and filing cabinets). Those are full of things that I'd want kept confidential. I wouldn't lock the cabinets, though. I'd like to think I'd be able to trust them to simply leave my papers alone.

[Procyon]

Like Graeme, I wouldn't mind if my S/O looked at anything I had on the computer, or even my call history, but the same way I wouldn't look at something without reason and without asking first (there may be other reasons to not want to show things than having something to hide -- with a story , for example, one may not be ready to show it to anyone, not even one's S/O, until one has reached a certain stage in it) I would expect my S/O to do the same. I would feel violated if anyone looked at those of my stories that aren't public without asking first, and I would therefore never dream of doing that to anyone.

 

And... why would anyone ever want to look at someone's call history?? Unless it were to check someone's phone number, maybe, which one can do openly. If you do it because you don't trust the person I'd say you have a problem in your relationship.

[sat8997]

And... why would anyone ever want to look at someone's call history??

 

Yeah...that was my thought too.

[Linxe Termoil]

Yeah...that was my thought too.

 

 

heh, I think some people do it just to start a fight. The roommate I'm kicking out of my house and his girlfriend do it to each other all the freaking time. It's annoying listening to them fight.

 

Jon

[Drewbie]

If they want to look at my cell I won't have an issue, like Robbie said, snooping is a no no, I'd be pissed if they also went through my computer with out my permission.

[Demetz]

Hey Drewbie! We've had a great time the past couple weeks, do you mind if i snoop through your computer to see if i can find anything that might suggest you're not really who you say you are and possibly just acting that way to get in my pants?

 

>__>

<__<

 

Yeah, this permission stuff is a joke. You don't give permission to snoop and people don't ask. They do it either out of sheer curiosity or out of paranoia that you might be doing something that would upset them and uncertainty whether they should yet trust your word if they simply asked you. There's a certain amount of being suspicious that is perfectly healthy, because people do lie and cheat and deceive, but there's also a certain point where between s/os there should be enough trust that its not an issue anymore; if that trust is lost in a long term relationship, then the relationship is in greater danger than what snooping may or may not turn up. If that trust has yet to be established in a relatively new relationship, then there's probably a lot more getting-to-know-you that needs to be done before a committment is made.

[Procyon]

The attitude that one should have no secrets is admirable, of course, and that is something I would want in a relationship, but there is a good way and a bad way of finding out things about one's S/O, and a right and wrong time of telling some things. Finding out what your S/O is like and what his life has been like up until he met you is not best done by browsing his computer when he isn't around. Preferably he'll be wanting to tell you about his life himself. But you can't possibly tell your bf or gf everything about yourself during the first night, or the first week, or even the first couple of months, so some things stay unrevealed longer than others.

 

I would never want to find out something (possibly upsetting without an explanation from him) about my S/O by reading it by accident on his computer, and I would never dream of browsing through his message archive without his permission. What if he'd discussed me or something to do with our relationship with a friend at some stage when we'd, say, been arguing or having trouble with each other? I would never want to stumble on anything like that, and that's not because I wouldn't trust the person, but because you've a right to keep something like that to yourself even if you're in a close relationship. Having said that, I wouldn't mind if my S/O accidentally read things I considered personal -- if it was really by accident, or because he was looking at my files with my permission. I don't think I'd ever have anything so personal that I wouldn't show it to my S/O, but with some things I might prefer that he didn't look at them, at least not without me there.

[NaperVic]

At the risk of having tomatoes thrown at me, I haven't read the story in question. But from the posts I've read here I'd have to say I don't believe it to be an invasion of privacy if a SO did a little 'snooping'.

Having read the story isn't a requirement for participating in this thread .

 

Thanks for your insight!

[DomLuka]

Each relationship is different. But there

[NaperVic]

As for you, Vic, the question you may want to ask is why you wanted to look through his calls, and even though it wasn't an "offense," IMO (I wouldn't have minded) it might have been to him if you did it after he asked you not to. Either way, don't go being hard on yourself about it. Relationships, no matter how long, are a learning experience. Take it with you and keep going.

 

At the time, I wanted to look because I was sensing that he was cheating on me.

 

Turns out I was right . To this day, he swears up and down he never had a physical affair (which to him means he wasn't cheating on me), but he was having a 'mental affair' with someone which was just as bad in my book.

 

I think I'm damaged goods now because I'll always have some nagging doubts & trust issues with any future BFs. Heck, whenever I'm with anyone, I cringe when their cellphones ring and they click 'ignore'. I'm always wondering who called them and get pissed when they don't offer any information up "oh, that was my mom."

 

Crap, cellphones = cheating :wacko:

 

See? Damaged goods.

[TalonRider]

Vic, did you ever stop to think that they were doing the courteous thing, which could be rare, by not answering the phone when they are with you? If I forget to silence my phone when I'm in a meeting, I'll push a button to ignore the call.

[kitten]

At the time, I wanted to look because I was sensing that he was cheating on me.

...

I think I'm damaged goods now because I'll always have some nagging doubts & trust issues with any future BFs.

 

I can both empathise and sympathise with this feeling. However, I think that actively going looking for signs of cheating is counterproductive. Let's look at the possible outcomes:-

 

If your investigation (snooping) doesn't find evidence of his cheating, then it still won't allay your suspicions (absence of evidence is not the same as evidence of absence). So your mind won't be put at rest and you'll continue snooping. Also, what a suspicious mind interprets as 'evidence' is not the same as 'proof' and there may well be an innocent explanation.

 

Eventually, if the snooping continues, he's almost certain to catch catch you doing it.

 

If he isn't cheating then he'll be hurt you don't trust him and will realise that there is no way that he can ever convince you that he isn't cheating (it's almost impossible to prove such a negative). Thus he will have to decide if he can live with your suspicions and the neediness that implies, or give up on the relationship. Anyone with any self respect (e.g. me) would take the second option. So you will have destroyed a possibly good relationship.

 

If he is cheating and you find evidence, then the relationship is over - even if you don't end it, he probably will do so because things will be too uncomfortable for him.

 

If he is cheating and you don't find evidence then not only will your suspicions continue, but when he discovers you snooping he'll just be more careful or he may decide to to use your snooping as an excuse to end the relationship before you get proof, thereby pretending that he has the moral high ground.

 

Obviously, if you find proof of cheating in the general course of ordinary activites, then that's something that has to be dealt with. However, it seems to me that most of the possible outcomes of snooping are negative. The constant nagging distrust will destroy happiness and eventually hurt more than occasional betrayals of trust, so....

 

BETTER trust all and be deceiv'd,

And weep that trust, and that deceiving,

Than doubt one heart that, if believ'd,

Had blessed one's life with true believing.

 

Oh, in this mocking world, too fast

The doubting fiend o'ertakes our youth!

Better be cheated to the last

Than lose the bless

[AFriendlyFace]

I have some very strong opinions on this topic.

 

 

Do you think it's okay for a Significant Other to be able to look at the cell phone history and or other personal/private things?

Certainly not!

 

Should S/O's have private things from each other?

Yes of course, but obviously these 'private things' should not be detrimental to the relationship or to either person.

 

Just because someone has a s/o doesn't mean he gives up his basic rights to privacy. If I had a b/f who invaded my privacy by snooping like that then I'd immediately dump him. No matter how much love was involved, such a violation of my personal privacy would destroy all trust between us so the relationship would no longer be viable.

I mostly agree with you, but for me I wouldn't take it quite that far.

 

My boyfriend could look at my cell history, or theoretically any other private information, once if I hadn't explicitly told him those things were off limits. I think that it's fair enough to tolerate such an invasive error in judgment if boundaries haven't been established. In other words if he looked at my phone history I'd be quite irritated, but I'd try to calm down and reign in my feelings and explain to him that I felt that was very inappropriate and if he wanted to know something he needs to ask me directly. I'd also take this opportunity to let him know other similar boundaries. If he did the same thing again then yes, I probably would take this as a very serious issue of trust and break up with him.

 

Cheating and any form of abusive behaviour (physical, emotional, or mental) would be cause for immediate termination of the relationship; however, I would again make a point of clearly establishing this right from the beginning, so that he would understand the consequences. Honestly, I don't think it would occur to me that someone I was dating would go through my things behind my back. If I thought he was the kind of person who would do that I doubt I'd be with him in the first place. The same goes for the cheating and abuse of course, but those seem even more 'terrible' and sadly too common so I would make a point to establish those points early on.

 

No, I don't have anything at all to hide. I'll tell someone I trust and care about almost anything if they ask, and if I think they have a particular reason or right to know it I'll go out of my way to volunteer the information myself, but it is most assuredly not okay for them to try to go behind my back to find things out. My basic opinion is that if my boyfriend would do that then I really don't need to be seeing him, and if he feels he needs to do that - rather than simply asking me whatever it is he wanted to know - then he probably doesn't need to be seeing me either. As I said, if I somehow felt he didn't 'understand the rules' or had a very specific and justifiable reason for breaching them, then I'd forgive him.

 

I'll be blunt, I like my space and privacy very much. I am willing to share them with people I care about, but any sort of "invasion" is definitely a big no no in my book.

 

He can answer my phone and look at my call history (and in fact, he HAS looked at my text message history)

Hmm, there is absolutely nothing in my text message history that I particularly feel the need to 'hide' and if my boyfriend asked to see my text history (and if I felt that 'no' is an answer he could easily accept) then I wouldn't hesitate to toss him my phone and let him have at it. That said, if he took it upon himself to do that I'd feel really violated. That seems almost akin to recording my phone conversations or something. Compared to that checking my call log is nothing. The only thing more intrusive that I can think of (apart from that recording the phone conversation thing) would be something like him reading my journal without my permission. Those things just seem like such a massive invasion of privacy - to me at least - that I can't fathom someone thinking it's perfectly okay to do that.

 

At the time, I wanted to look because I was sensing that he was cheating on me.

 

Turns out I was right . To this day, he swears up and down he never had a physical affair (which to him means he wasn't cheating on me), but he was having a 'mental affair' with someone which was just as bad in my book.

 

I think I'm damaged goods now because I'll always have some nagging doubts & trust issues with any future BFs. Heck, whenever I'm with anyone, I cringe when their cellphones ring and they click 'ignore'. I'm always wondering who called them and get pissed when they don't offer any information up "oh, that was my mom."

Crap, cellphones = cheating :wacko:

 

See? Damaged goods.

Well, with that context and background in mind, I can understand where you're coming from. Personally I try very hard to be an attentive companion to whomever I'm with. I make it a point not to take phone calls, from anyone, when I'm with anyone else unless I feel like there's a very good reason or the other person has explicitly said that they're fine with me doing that.

 

While I try not to take offense to it myself, and I can usually find something to occupy myself, I find it rude when people talk on the phone when they're with other people, especially if they're in a one on one setting with the other person. The worst is when they're alone with someone else in the car and they decide it's a good time to have a phone conversation. I similarly try to avoid sending or reading more than the occasional text message when I'm with others - unless of course it's functional and necessary for some reason, like we're meeting someone or something.

 

Of course that does depend on the context. In some social situations I'd consider it perfectly acceptable to text and chat freely, but in any more intense, one-on-one situation - again unless there's a specific reason - I think it's better to focus your attention on your companion.

 

If I do take a call while I'm with another person/other people in a small, intimate setting, then I feel obligated to tell them who it is, and usually why I feel the need to interrupt our interaction by taking the call. I just think it impolite not to do so. For example a couple of weeks ago I was out to dinner with six of my friends and another friend called. I stepped away from the table and outside to take the call then I returned said who it was and explained that I needed to take it because I knew she was going through a hard time.

 

I guess all of this is very related to why I don't like chatting on instant messengers. I just really find myself annoyed by the delays in response and the divided attention of the other person. I get that that's just how instant message conversations are, and I don't take it personally, but I don't like it, so I rarely participate.

 

Personally, my favourite form of communication is very direct and intimate. There are very few things I'd rather do than spend time alone with someone I care about just sitting and talking. When I am fortunate enough to get these opportunities I try my best to make the other person feel like they are the only person in the world I want to be talking to at that moment and that they have my complete, undivided attention. While I try very hard not to expect the same treatment, I certainly appreciate it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think all of this really just comes down to different perspectives and expectations. What some people view as a major offense others might view as trivial or even natural. I try very hard to remember that not everyone is the same as me on these points and that others won't magically know how I feel on these topics, so I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and explain my feelings casually but directly when the situations come up.

 

Great topic!

 

-Kevin

Edited January 4, 2009 by AFriendlyFace

[Linxe Termoil]

Personally, my favourite form of communication is very direct and intimate. There are very few things I'd rather do than spend time alone with someone I care about just sitting and talking. When I am fortunate enough to get these opportunities I try my best to make the other person feel like they are the only person in the world I want to be talking to at that moment and that they have my complete, undivided attention. While I try very hard not to expect the same treatment, I certainly appreciate it.

 

Hrm, what do you do if you're trying to have a conversation with an extremely shy person? I'd find it awkward myself, but I'm usually that shy quiet person, and everytime I open my mouth I feel like I'm saying stupid or coming across as stupid. Makes trying to get a 2nd date out of someone rather hard, heh, especially since it takes me a while to warm up to someone. Wonder if my behavior in this manner is a defense mechanism or something. Anyone know a shrink?

 

Extremely Shy

~Jon

[AFriendlyFace]

Hrm, what do you do if you're trying to have a conversation with an extremely shy person?

I actually find that many/most shy people very much enjoy attentive conversation partners, usually at least as much or more than the typical extrovert. It just takes making sure they don't feel threatened, pressured, or intimidated - which I usually just kinda play by ear - and also accepting that it'll probably remain necessary to 'do the heavy lifting' with the conversation, at least at first.

[Razor]

Just because someone has a s/o doesn't mean he gives up his basic rights to privacy. If I had a b/f who invaded my privacy by snooping like that then I'd immediately dump him. No matter how much love was involved, such a violation of my personal privacy would destroy all trust between us so the relationship would no longer be viable.

 

Kit

 

Ditto. There are certain things that, if anyone does, constitute a direct violation of what I consider to be basic rules of decency. For instance, plundering through my computer is a huge no-no. Going through my things, especially things known to be considered private, means I don't associate with that person anymore. Period.