I Screwed Up BIG!

[Nicholas J. Covington]

I have always had feelings for my best friend, Andrew (Drew). We are very close, I know what you are all thinking Classic gay boy love a striat boy. Right?

 

But it's not that simple. You see, Drew is Bi, (I know no such thing right? I used to think that) He call's himself a true Bi because as he says he can and has fallen in love with both sexes it not just about sex.

 

So how did I screw up you might ask? well I'll tell you, Drew Recently broke up with his girlfriend of about a year, and we have been hanging out alot more since. The other night we wen't out clubbing and we endded up back in my bed. And yes we had sex.

 

The thing is while he had sex I'm starting to think I was making love, to make matters worse he is now trying to reconsile with his girlfriend he claims to love. she is not interested and I have to listen to him talk about all this while my insides are ripping apart.

 

It's been so awkward around him faking smiles and being there for him, I don't want the to loose him but at the same time I just want to scream I'm right here why can't you see me... Why can't you love me as much as I do you.

 

I just don't know what to do. Anyway thanks for listening.

[old bob]

Your problem is "why".

I can only answer your question from my own experiences.

Trying to "force" him to love you is impossible .

You have to choice between two ways :

Either tell him openly that you love him and see what will happen. If he answer with the same open-mindedness, you will have a chance and at least remain his best friend. iIf he gets angry, let it go. The only thing is then to "wait and see".

The other choice is to keep quiet, expect him to take the initiative, just hoping that, time passing, you will better understand his position and yours.

As I said, my own experiences brought me either to keep silence and "suffer" until everything was clear (I forgot him and met somebody else) , either to talk to him, with the same result because he couldnt clear his mind!.

To sum it up, I'm not very optimist, but you are so young and your chances to meet the "real one"in the future are before you.

Good luck

Old Bob (soon 80 !)

[Mark Arbour]

Your problem is "why".

I can only answer your question from my own experiences.

Trying to "force" him to love you is impossible .

You have to choice between two ways :

Either tell him openly that you love him and see what will happen. If he answer with the same open-mindedness, you will have a chance and at least remain his best friend. iIf he gets angry, let it go. The only thing is then to "wait and see".

The other choice is to keep quiet, expect him to take the initiative, just hoping that, time passing, you will better understand his position and yours.

As I said, my own experiences brought me either to keep silence and "suffer" until everything was clear (I forgot him and met somebody else) , either to talk to him, with the same result because he couldnt clear his mind!.

To sum it up, I'm not very optimist, but you are so young and your chances to meet the "real one"in the future are before you.

Good luck

Old Bob (soon 80 !)

 

Good points. You know, since he's bisexual and you had sex, I think it would probably be OK to let him know you're into him. I wouldn't use the word "love" though. That's sure to freak out a guy if he doesn't reciprocate. Regardless, he's trying to get back with her so you're the potential rebound here. That means you could just be a good lay, someone to cling to, while he gets his shit together. So I'd take it casual, opening up the romantic/sexual side, leaving room for him to discover how much he really likes you (if he does) but also room to maneuver back into friendship (if he doesn't).

[KJames]

I have always had feelings for my best friend, Andrew (Drew). We are very close, I know what you are all thinking Classic gay boy love a striat boy. Right?

 

But it's not that simple. You see, Drew is Bi, (I know no such thing right? I used to think that) He call's himself a true Bi because as he says he can and has fallen in love with both sexes it not just about sex.

 

So how did I screw up you might ask? well I'll tell you, Drew Recently broke up with his girlfriend of about a year, and we have been hanging out alot more since. The other night we wen't out clubbing and we endded up back in my bed. And yes we had sex.

 

The thing is while he had sex I'm starting to think I was making love, to make matters worse he is now trying to reconsile with his girlfriend he claims to love. she is not interested and I have to listen to him talk about all this while my insides are ripping apart.

 

It's been so awkward around him faking smiles and being there for him, I don't want the to loose him but at the same time I just want to scream I'm right here why can't you see me... Why can't you love me as much as I do you.

 

I just don't know what to do. Anyway thanks for listening.

 

Nick, I have to agree with Mark above to some extent. You were making love, to your boyfriend who happens to be bi-sexual and in his female phase...it's just awkward, then, 'cause they don't see it for what it is. When in their female phase, making love is with a woman, rather than just sex-with-a-man, and when they're in their male phase they make love to men, and with women it's just sex.

 

Being Gay, we tend to form our emotional bonds with someone WE love much easier than others. Straights and Bisexuals take longer (I fell in love with my husband 18 1/2 years ago when we first met, before we had sex, even) to form those emotional bonds, as there is more to "setting" the mood and environment for the emotions to come out (didn't think straights and bi's had to come "out" to each other, huh?).

 

'Drew is a bisexual, but it appears that he is the serial type (one at a time) rather than parallel (more than one at a time), and thinks that his "girlfriend" is worth getting back with, so he will need to try and either succeed or fail with her before he can progress into the next stage of his sexuality--this is where you come in. If she means her break-off to be complete, and you see it for this, then once he realizes it, he may also begin to see the love being offered in front of him. Then again, he may need to be romanced a bit, too, in order to realize it for what it is, that's part of that emotional set-up I mentioned earlier.

 

Get ready to go a courtin'...sometimes you just gotta chase 'em down. You know, send candy to work one week, flowers the next...go on a date to a nice quiet restaurant that has his favorite dish with a little wine, send him a wrapped gift of something he likes (Teddy Bear? Big, soft, fluffy bathrobe?) the next...

 

Good luck!

[Demetz]

If he was badly in love with this girl and had been for a while, you need to give it time. He probably did feel love in what the two of you did, but his ability to appreciate that love was probably limited to feeling some brief consolation from his grief over the relationship. He needs time to reset his own emotional construct so that he can be open to love to somebody and then you can see about making that somebody be you. You're ready for a relationship with him - but he's not ready for a relationship with anyone yet. If they were together for a long time it might be a while before he is ready, even several months. Just keep being there and being supportive and do not push him yet or you'll just end up pushing him away.

[Mark Arbour]

Being Gay, we tend to form our emotional bonds with someone WE love much easier than others. Straights and Bisexuals take longer (I fell in love with my husband 18 1/2 years ago when we first met, before we had sex, even) to form those emotional bonds, as there is more to "setting" the mood and environment for the emotions to come out (didn't think straights and bi's had to come "out" to each other, huh?).

 

Just gotta call you on stereotyping a bit too broadly here. Some straight and bi guys fall just as quickly as gay guys. I've seen a lot of my straight friends fall for a woman so fast it was scary. This is a function of the person, not their sexuality. Now, a bi-guy falling for another guy...I'm with you on that one.

[shadowgod]

It could be stereotyping it could be just using a broad brush with no malice implied. I do agree though, emotional attachment is a function of the being, and not their sexuality.

 

Honestly Nicholas, all I could suggest is for you to back peddle, the scenario described to me says that you invested more into what is happening (happened) then he has. So yes while it is gonna suck for you to have to give him a fake smile your gonna have to do it. You knew where he stood, yet acted on a feeling he didn't share. it's not going to be fair of you to dump a boatload of expectation onto him.

 

Sorry that's just my opinion. While yeah he may be your dream guy, he doesn't share the feeling.

[Mark Arbour]

It could be stereotyping it could be just using a broad brush with no malice implied. I do agree though, emotional attachment is a function of the being, and not their sexuality.

 

I know there was no malice intended. I hope I didn't sound bitchy. Kev, you know I love you, right?

[Myk]

I just want to stress one point before I add my opinion....not everyone with a certain sexual orientation is the same, its not like there is a 'gay' cookie cutter that makes gays with a little extra emotinal attachement, or a 'bi' cookie cutter that comes with something else. So please, speak of experience or individuality....I don't appreciate being boxed it.

 

What I will say (as a bi guy), its my opinion that 'true bi' people are not closed off to love, but rather open to it from anywhere. That being said it soulds like your friend's interrests currently lie with his ex. I personally believe it is best if you give him some time to sort things out and start being open to love from someone other than her. When he does, you should talk to him. Letting these feelings fester will just make your friendship with him more awkward. At worst he tells you that he isn't attracted to you and you go on being friends.

 

Anyway, thats just my opinion...do what is right for you.

 

Greg

 

Edit: Cross posted with Steve and Mark there...I don't mean anything by my remarks except I'm tired of being told 'what' I am by others...this stems from other recent threads, not this one in particular. No harm, no foul, just please be aware

Edited February 17, 2009 by Myk

[AFriendlyFace]

You have received some really excellent advice here and there really isn't much I can add to it.

 

I definitely think these are the three key points:

 

-Give him some time

-Do eventually express your feelings

-Respect and accept his feelings

 

 

 

Another angle though, would it help to talk about the sex? (No, I'm not asking for juicy details, I mean with him!) It might make you feel better and it might also be a really good opportunity to broach the subject and possibly find out how he feels. Having sex with friends is bound to be an emotional experience. If you think it's at all possible or appropriate I'd recommend talking about it. You don't have to tell him you're in love with him, maybe just tell him that because you care about it him it was a very meaningful experience for you. Maybe tell him how you feel about it in general?

 

 

Good luck

-Kevin

[Tiger]

First off, I don't think he was using you. I think he at least feels close to you as a friend, and you were there for him. Second, feelings for an ex can remain for quite some time. In some cases, it never goes away completely. That doesn't mean he won't be open to a relationship with you in the future. It just means that he'll always care for her no matter who he ends up with. Now guys, I am not trying to stereotype, but one fact cannot be denied. It's easier to have relationships with women. You don't have to worry about what others might think. This is something to consider with bisexuals in particular. There's also the whole concept of reproduction. That's not to say, that given the right man, a bi man won't spend his life with another man. It just means that there's a built-in greater likelihood of ending up with a woman. Another consideration is that there are more straight women out there, and that means easier access. It just means that you have to be aware, but also it means that you shouldn't rule it out either.

[KJames]

Just gotta call you on stereotyping a bit too broadly here. Some straight and bi guys fall just as quickly as gay guys. I've seen a lot of my straight friends fall for a woman so fast it was scary. This is a function of the person, not their sexuality. Now, a bi-guy falling for another guy...I'm with you on that one.

 

Yes, Mark, please see Shadowgod's comment below your earlier one. I was speaking in terms of the whole broad group, not just a small part of us...I can go find the study on men and women forming emotional bonds if you really want to see it...Rob's research into a closely related topic was only last fall semester. Generally speaking, both gay men and straight women, as groups, will fall into love (form emotional bonds with each other) more quickly than both Straight men and Lesbian women. That's not to say that it applies to each and every one of them, but as a group overall, the incidence of gay men and straight women falling in love quickly is higher within each of those groups than within the groups of Straight men and Lesbian women--it was found that the emotional bonds formed more quickly. On the other side of the study, it was found that Straight men and Lesbian women, as groups overall, formed their relationships around the physical pleasure they were able to get out of it, and the emotional attachment was only secondary. Gee, isn't that interesting?

 

Weird stuff, huh?

 

Myk, you are stuck with a label, sorry--it's the same one each of us has: Unique. Take advantage of it.

 

But, back to the topic at hand, Nick's broken bi-boyfriend...

 

I have to agree with AFriendlyFace and Tiger in that: 'Drew's issue isn't with you right now, it is with healing over a broken relationship...they can hurt physically. I've been there, done that...and it was a long time ago, now...and it hurt me terribly. Think of going-to-bed-alone-feeling-like-your-heart-will-stop-before-you-fall-asleep kind of painful, and that's only as close as I can get to describing it. Your sexual intimacy with him was probably one of the nicest things you could do for him, but let's face it...nobody wants a sympathy f'. You'll eventually have to talk to him about why you did that with him, just so he won't feel like he was taking advantage of you or you were taking advantage of him. Sex between friends is supposed to be a great thing, and although you were both UTI when you did it, you probably felt he needed it at the time, and he probably wanted it just as badly as you thought he needed it. But that doesn't mean that he wants a relationship with you yet, either.

 

It's going to take time and all you can do, if you're really his friend, is to just be there when he needs his friend. Over time, he may begin to see that you care for him a great deal, and while that may take time, eventually that little light bulb will go on in his head... Patience, Grasshopper...all will be revealed in the end.

Edited February 18, 2009 by kjames

[Trebs]

Kind of reminds me of a joke a good friend used to tell in college:

 

"I used to say that I was bisexual so I had twice the chance for dates on a Friday night. Now I'm gay so I only have to deal with half as many rejections on a Friday night."

 

That was a joke. Where you oversimplify people and how they react - like assuming that relationships are easier with one gender or the other. Each person is going to be different - one reason that one man may have an easier time dating a woman rather than a man is that for that man, he can communicate and relate easier with women. Other men, may find that to be the exact opposite case. There are so many elements in dating, in relationships that to try to trivialize it down to access or sociatial pressures is totally missing the boat.

 

A bisexual - is a person who emotionally, romantically, physically, etc can have a relationship with a person of their own or of the opposite gender. But JUST like gay men, lesbians, and straight people - it eventually is going to be the interaction of the two individuals, and that is a COMPLEX equation under ANY circumstances.

 

Common interests, physical flirting and mystery, mutual respect, shared history - what Nicholas is going through unfortunately is not uncommon at all. He thought Drew was available (but sorry - when anyone just gets out of a relationship, it's unlikely they are mentally/emotionally ready to move on and start a new one) - but Drew is still remembering the times with the girlfriend and wants that back - not necessarily because she is a woman Drew is stuck in limbo until he can work out his own issues. Maybe at that point Nicholas, you and Drew can try again.... but give him time to get his balance back.

 

But in the meantime, trivializing it, giving into stereotypes, and especially just downplaying women as being easier to have relationships with (lol - um, try that one with two lesbians and ask if they agree with *THAT* statement)... well - I think we can all here help to raise the level of discourse to help those in need...

 

Nicholas - in the meantime, hate to say - just give Drew support and friendship. Something new may come out of it again, but give it time.

[JamesSavik]

One of the hardest distinctions to make and lessons to learn is when a f*ck is just a f*ck.

 

I know that its difficult but with some guys, that's as deep as it gets.

 

A lot of guys are simply NOT emotionally connected and are not very successful in relationships with women or men. Whether they are emotionally callous that way or all about the orgasms they can and do cause a lot of emotional angst.

 

You just have to deal with them (or not) where they are and not expect a giant emotional revelation from a horn-doggie.

 

So- have a smoke, store it away as a warm fuzzy memory and thank god it wasn't a drunk college chick who will decide six weeks/months from now that you raped her.

[KJames]

One of the hardest distinctions to make and lessons to learn is when a f*ck is just a f*ck.

 

I know that its difficult but with some guys, that's as deep as it gets.

 

A lot of guys are simply NOT emotionally connected and are not very successful in relationships with women or men. Whether they are emotionally callous that way or all about the orgasms they can and do cause a lot of emotional angst.

 

You just have to deal with them (or not) where they are and not expect a giant emotional revelation from a horn-doggie.

 

So- have a smoke, store it away as a warm fuzzy memory and thank god it wasn't a drunk college chick who will decide six weeks/months from now that you raped her.

 

If that's the advice on why sex should be avoided in college, then it's surprising that we're only approximately 10% of the population!!!

Edited February 18, 2009 by kjames

[AFriendlyFace]

Kind of reminds me of a joke a good friend used to tell in college:

 

"I used to say that I was bisexual so I had twice the chance for dates on a Friday night. Now I'm gay so I only have to deal with half as many rejections on a Friday night."

 

That was a joke. Where you oversimplify people and how they react - like assuming that relationships are easier with one gender or the other. Each person is going to be different - one reason that one man may have an easier time dating a woman rather than a man is that for that man, he can communicate and relate easier with women. Other men, may find that to be the exact opposite case. There are so many elements in dating, in relationships that to try to trivialize it down to access or sociatial pressures is totally missing the boat.

 

A bisexual - is a person who emotionally, romantically, physically, etc can have a relationship with a person of their own or of the opposite gender. But JUST like gay men, lesbians, and straight people - it eventually is going to be the interaction of the two individuals, and that is a COMPLEX equation under ANY circumstances.

 

Common interests, physical flirting and mystery, mutual respect, shared history - what Nicholas is going through unfortunately is not uncommon at all. He thought Drew was available (but sorry - when anyone just gets out of a relationship, it's unlikely they are mentally/emotionally ready to move on and start a new one) - but Drew is still remembering the times with the girlfriend and wants that back - not necessarily because she is a woman Drew is stuck in limbo until he can work out his own issues. Maybe at that point Nicholas, you and Drew can try again.... but give him time to get his balance back.

 

Robert, that's wonderfully said!

 

 

Now guys, I am not trying to stereotype, but one fact cannot be denied. It's easier to have relationships with women. You don't have to worry about what others might think. This is something to consider with bisexuals in particular.

Hmm, well I'm going to have to disagree with you just a bit, Tim. At least with regards to my own life and experiences.

 

There's no question at all that I almost always prefer guys and that I'm happier living my life among gays and lesbians. However, I'm..."bi-curious" I suppose, and I've been interested in experimenting, and would theoretically be open to the idea of an actual relationship, though I think it's fairly unlikely. It's not easy at all. The majority of my friends, who are mostly gay and lesbian, are at best confused by the idea. The general tone, seems to be "we'll reluctantly support you if that's what you want." Recently I was having a conversation with my best friend about the topic, and he pretty much said it just like that. A few moments later another friend joined us. My first friend said, "We were just talking about bisexuals." Whereupon my second friend, who was completely unaware of my position and feelings, said "Oh bisexuals..." and proceeded to criticize them.

 

In terms of "worrying what others might think" dating a girl would be much more ostracizing for me. OK, it might be more readily accepted by casual strangers, but I'm not as concerned about their opinion in the first place, so that's little consolation.

 

As I said, these are just my experiences and feelings on the matter. I suppose for guys who aren't actively involved in the gay community it would be easier, but personally I feel like expressing bisexual feelings is quite a stigma in the gay community (in the straight community too if they find out you're bisexual as opposed to just straight). It also fills me with more internal distress. Not over my feelings, but over how it'll be perceived by my community (which is somewhat important to me) and whether it would discredit me in terms of being able to fight for acceptance and tolerance of gay and lesbian people ("What do you know about gay life? You're dating a girl." kinda thing). It even makes me wonder sometimes whether or not it really would be some form of 'betrayal' as some in the gay community like to say.

 

Anyway, I don't even identify as bisexual, and my bisexual feelings are usually fairly rare and non-intense. So I would assume, theoretically, that it's even harder for true bisexuals actively involved in the gay community.

 

Just my thoughts though

-Kevin

Edited February 18, 2009 by AFriendlyFace

[Tiger]

Kevin, most of my friends are actually straight, so maybe my perspective is different. Having said that, I identify as gay, though I suppose there might be a few women I'm open to. However, I think a relationship, in my case, is out of the question as I am like 99% gay. I don't even know how far I could take it with a woman. Thus, I may very well be in a different boat than you. But most bisexuals that I know aren't all that active in the gay and lesbian community. I think the perspective of a "true blue" bisexual who is active in the community would be most welcome.

[TalonRider]

We all have our own prejudices about things, I know I have. You can change. Over the years, I've changed my view on some of them and you can too.

 

I've always said that I wouldn't date someone who's bi. After reading numerous posts and a few emails with Tim, I am his editor after all, I would.

 

The key? Look at the gay, bi-sexual, straight, male, or female as a person and human being. Not as a classification of some type. It can help you become a little more open minded about things.

[Tiger]

Jan, that's great! Of course, I even thought of myself as bisexual at one time. I am still very much open to dating bisexuals so long as they don't fall into the category of being more attracted to women than men. It's an individual basis otherwise. Yes, I've been burned by a bisexual in the past, but I won't allow that to jade me to the point where I won't. I just tend to be a little more cautious. As far as I can tell, Nicholas' friend just needs some time before he can be in a relationship. He may turn out to be an awesome boyfriend. Only time will tell.

[Nicholas J. Covington]

I'm at a loss.

 

It's been a week since i have spoken to Drew. We usally talk everyday and hangout several times a week. Now I'm getting scared It's not like him to miss my calls. We have been best friends since 4th grade everone said we're unseprable and we have only ever went with out talking once before and that lasted 3 days before one of us gave in. I don't know what to do I'm in love with my best friend and even if i can't have him. I don't want to lose him. I've never felt so confused. I don't even know why he is not answering my calls, I went by his place last night but he wasn't home. This is killing me.

 

 

 

I Mean we slept together , sure and I may have used the "L" word there at the end at the critical juncture I think, And everything has felt a little awkward. It just this time I don't have my best friend to confide in. And im lost with out him.

 

I just don't know what to do. I can't lose him.

[Verm]

Maybe he just needs some time to sort out his sh*t. Give him some space, but try to keep the friendship if you can

[Prince Duchess]

Maybe he just needs some time to sort out his sh*t. Give him some space, but try to keep the friendship if you can

 

 

I agree he might be thinking about what you said and maybe not knowing how to approach you about it. But in all honesty just try to keep in contact with him so you can potentially voice your opinion to him.

 

Good Luck

[LongGone]

I don't want to lose him. I've never felt so confused. I don't even know why he is not answering my calls, I went by his place last night but he wasn't home. This is killing me.

 

I just don't know what to do. I can't lose him.

 

First, he's feeling guilty about what happened which is why he's avoiding you. In future, you have an idea why it's a good idea to save sex until you're sure you both ready. Sex changes all relationships. You can count on that.

 

Second, here's some advice because nobody's actually given you anything I see as useful. You're looking for a solution. That really needs to come from within you. But in absence of that, here's what the raccoon recommends since you can't have a talk.

 

If you can't get him on the phone, you'll have to e-mail him. You need to let him (a) know how you feel, avoiding the L word at first and ( let him know you don't want to lose him as a friend.

 

That sounds easy. It's not. You need to realize that keeping him as a friend may mean losing him as a lover. Which is more important to you? You need to decide that before you open your mouth.

 

As for me, I would rather be friends with someone like you've described. Real friends who are always there for you forever are damn near impossible to find. Everyone THINKS they have them but when a real crisis develops you find out who is still there (usually nobody). Get YOUR head together first and figure out what you want because you've got to decide, communicate that decision, and live with the consequences.

 

That, sir, is what your good friends should tell you. Good friends give you advice you don't want to hear and don't pull punches.

 

I will now go crawl back into my cave.

[SRevol]

Just 3 things

 

1) In this life all is all about timing and space, just give him time and space to sort things out, think right and make the right moves in timing to know if you can achive number 2 or 3

 

2)Love works alone, if it

[Mark Arbour]

First, he's feeling guilty about what happened which is why he's avoiding you. In future, you have an idea why it's a good idea to save sex until you're sure you both ready. Sex changes all relationships. You can count on that.

 

Second, here's some advice because nobody's actually given you anything I see as useful. You're looking for a solution. That really needs to come from within you. But in absence of that, here's what the raccoon recommends since you can't have a talk.

 

If you can't get him on the phone, you'll have to e-mail him. You need to let him (a) know how you feel, avoiding the L word at first and ( let him know you don't want to lose him as a friend.

 

That sounds easy. It's not. You need to realize that keeping him as a friend may mean losing him as a lover. Which is more important to you? You need to decide that before you open your mouth.

 

As for me, I would rather be friends with someone like you've described. Real friends who are always there for you forever are damn near impossible to find. Everyone THINKS they have them but when a real crisis develops you find out who is still there (usually nobody). Get YOUR head together first and figure out what you want because you've got to decide, communicate that decision, and live with the consequences.

 

That, sir, is what your good friends should tell you. Good friends give you advice you don't want to hear and don't pull punches.

 

I will now go crawl back into my cave.

 

You want him to call or e-mail this Bisexual guy and tell him how he feels? If you ask most guys what words they dread hearing from their girlfriend, it invariably includes: "Tell me what you're thinking," or "Tell me what you're feeling." Not going to work.

 

Now the part about being friends and not lovers...that will probably get a better reception.