Having THE talk

[Graeme]

Yesterday I had THE talk with my eldest boy and I was wondering how it went for other people. That could be on the giving or receiving half

 

I'm interested in what was talked about, as well as how it felt.

 

In my case, I told him about the changes that puberty is going to start to make to his body (mainly talking about body hair, muscle growth, etc), emotions (how it can make guys more aggressive, and how it makes them start to become attracted to other people), and that lead into a discussion on relationships. The sex part was very, very short. I asked him what he knew, and he he answered he knew everything (he's ten, after all). I then asked if he knew that's how babies started, and he seemed shocked.... The schoolyard education system hasn't changed in the thirty years since I went through it. However, he told me he wasn't ready to learn that sort of stuff, so I suspect I'll have another chat with him when he's thirteen or so.

 

While I was nervous when I started the chat, I wasn't embarrassed. Given how open my son was, I don't think he was that embarrassed, either, though he was cute in the way that most of the time he spelt out 'S-E-X' rather than say the word He seemed honestly shocked that some of the other boys in his class try to kiss the girls. He says they are way too young for that.

 

As for being on the receiving end, I never had a chat with my dad. I learn most of it from the schoolyard gossip and reading.

 

One of the reasons I had this chat now is because sometime in the next 18 months, my wife and I intend to sit down with both of our boys and explain that their dad is gay. We want to do this before the older boy hits puberty, but I think certain other things have to be in place first.

[Arpeggio]

My parents never had THE TALK with me. O_o

 

Mom just set a book down and expected me to read it.

Edited March 28, 2009 by ArpeGGio

[Prince Duchess]

Wow...ten...my dad gave me the talk when i was like 13 and then gave me a book as for my mom nothing...she hasn't been interested in that til i came out to her (not in the good way)

 

Graeme...good luck on coming out to your kids...i remember when my dad came out to me

 

[Sir Galahad]

I have to say my Dad never had the talk with me. He has been & always will quite reserved in that respect! It was only when I told him I was gay that he decided to have the safer sex talk! Go figure. Even then he was, umm, uncomfortable. I on the other hand loved it!

Your doing the right thing Graeme, best they know the truth & facts as early as possible, rather than playground bullshit!

Edited March 29, 2009 by Sir_Galahad

[Benji]

Hahaha, nope my dad died when I was too young to get the talk, my step-dad was an asshole and talked with his hands, or fists so I never had the 'talk'. My daughter got the talk from her aunts and mother thank-g_d, cause I would have no clue on how to talk about that to her!!! Hahaha!

[Krista]

Well my mother came in blushing one day.. all red faced and the like, told me that she wanted me to go with her to get birth control, and I didn't ease her "suspicions" by telling her that I wasn't sexually active until I found out that I was allergic to birth control and she started worrying that I'll be pregnant.. haha. She never had the talk with me though, I don't think she could have gotten through the whole thing. She gave me pamphlets on Safe Sex practices though.

 

I though have given two "Talks," to my brother and to my sister. My brother being 13. I was scared giving him "the talk" because I'm female frankly and didn't want to discuss it with him, because I doubt I could really cement every topic correctly. I did it anyway.. we discussed like everything. Condoms, being responsible for your own safety first, (like bringing the condom not expecting someone else to). I told him that Sex was more than just a physical act that its something that shouldn't be dominate in any relationship. I told him that he'll likely grow, his voice will crack and change, that he'll become more hairy. Of course at thirteen he was already starting some of that, so. The Health Class in high school covers Puberty so.

 

I'm not surprised that you told your oldest son about sex at the age of 10. It seems that kids are exposed to more now than, I know I was. I mean my sister at age 9 had already seen a condom because someone's older sister had left hers out and her friend stole them.

 

With my sister it was a lot easier. I could easier tell her what her body will be doing and I had help by taking her to a gynecologist.

 

I talked about Homosexuality with them as well so I covered all the bases I think.. If I didn't I hope they come to me with questions when they need to.

 

I just really hate that my mother can't be more into the parenting? lol... but someone needs to do it. I think puberty discussions and sex talks are important.

[LongGone]

My parents never had THE TALK with me. O_o

 

Mom just set a book down and expected me to read it.

Mom and Dad (independently because they were divorced and not on speaking terms) did the same with me.

 

I don't think I'd have survived The Talk with them

[Graeme]

Mom just set a book down and expected me to read it.

My wife said that's what her mum did, too It seems the 'easy' way out....

 

I'm not surprised that you told your oldest son about sex at the age of 10. It seems that kids are exposed to more now than, I know I was.

You're right that kids are more exposed -- my eldest boy fast-forward through all the 'mushy' scenes in the DVDs he likes. But sex itself was barely mentioned in our talk. I raised the point, and he told me he wasn't ready for it or to talk about it (he thought he was too young), but he thought he should wait until he was married. He thought it was important that he do it with someone he's been dating for a while, which lead into a discussion on dating and when to start dating (his mother told him later in the day that she wanted him to wait until he was 16 or 17 before he started dating. I don't think she wants him to grow up ). We talked about it enough that I know he knows about it, but a discussion on things like condoms, masturbation, etc., can wait.

 

One thing I've heard is that kids know a lot about sex (including a lot of misinformation), but they don't learn a lot about relationships. That's why a lot of our conversation was on relationships, rather than sex.

[sat8997]

I have always been very open with my girls and we've talked often about sex. They also know they can ask me anything and I'll answer. I want them to have acurate information so that they can make intelligent choices.

 

My mom was the same way with me and my sisters. My dad insisted on contributing to THE talk too, he just needed a few shots of Jack to fortify himself. The most important piece of information he provided, and that I've passed on to my girls: No matter what they say, guys' balls do not really turn blue and fall off.

[LongGone]

No matter what they say, guys' balls do not really turn blue and fall off.

Well it damn well FEELS that way.

[Benji]

Hahaha! Ya, I can relate to that! hahaha!

[myself_i_must_remake]

i suspect i was gradually given the talk over a number of years because i know i've known or at least had some sense of things for as long as i can remember.

 

i think this is why:

 

my mom used to get REALLY scary PMS to the point i know she explained to me at a very young age that something happened to women once a month, and i suspect i asked why that happened, and that she gave me a watered down version then which i just added details to as i went along.

 

and i'm happy it went like that. a religion was never forced on me, i was exposed to all swear words and scary movies early on, i knew what sex was early on, my parents started giving me alcohol when i was fourteen, and told me that while they don't want me doing drugs, neither can really say anything about it.

 

result: i feel well-rounded and never had a rebellious stage.

[writeincode]

Never had 'the talk' with my parents but we had this video 'where did I come from?' lying around the house for as long as I remember and my brother watched it constantly for some reason so I knew where babies came from and the really basic stuff about puberty at like 6

 

The funny part was when my school showed us this same cartoon video in high school in a sex ed class. Everyone was already way past puberty and it was very amusing. Before that though, when we were like 10 the school had a seminar on puberty and sex but all I remember was everyone wandering around afterwards imitating an 'erection' with the their arms like the lady in the seminar did then going back to 'flaccid'.

[corvus]

I learned everything in the "family life" class. I couldn't believe it. I remember charging back home after our "family life" video and demanding of my mom -- "MOM, did Dad put his ------ !?!?!?" That was seventh grade, I think. Kind of late. (And to think how I've progressed from there! Just kidding...)

 

One of the reasons I had this chat now is because sometime in the next 18 months, my wife and I intend to sit down with both of our boys and explain that their dad is gay. We want to do this before the older boy hits puberty, but I think certain other things have to be in place first.

 

I commend you for that. Your boys will probably have an unique view of what it means to be gay, heh.

[wildone]

Thanks for bringing this up Graeme, it has me grinning ear to ear with the memories .

 

I can still remember vividly where I was (in my dad's truck), how old I was (10) when I asked him about sex. I also remember Dad's shocked look and actually driving up on the sidewalk before he got control of the truck .

 

He told me that I would learn about it more later in the school year as they had already sent home permission slips for the future sex ed talk in school. Unfortunately I was sick the day that they had the meetings with boys separately from the girls. So I guess I had to learn it all second hand from my buddies that did attend .

 

I remember discussing this with my Mom years later, and I made the comment that since Dad didn't have the talk with me maybe I was on my own for figuring things out. Mom was shocked and really didn't make any comment as I'm sure she knew I was gay, but she did not want to discuss it herself.

 

I too commend you for taking this huge step in your life. I imagine your boys will be much more well adjusted in life knowing that even their hero's can be gay . Here's hoping the best, even though you won't need it.

 

Steve

[Procyon]

My parents definitely never had THE talk with me, so I found out all the details in sex ed classes at school at age ten, and then in a bit more detail at age 13 or 14 -- they talked to us about *everything* that time. Really, everything.

 

But I think I must have heard about it before we did it at school -- probably in some educational children's programme on TV in the seventies -- because I can't remember that I was shocked by anything except the fact that I'd be bleeding for several days every month; that I found really horrifying. And rightly so.

[BeaStKid]

My parents assumed, and rightly so, that I know all about the 'Birds and the Bees' and how to protect and all that thing....they never had a TALK with me.

 

But, I think that is also due to the fact that in India, teenage sex is a little less of a problem as compared to the west....

 

 

BeaStKid

[AFriendlyFace]

But, I think that is also due to the fact that in India, teenage sex is a little less of a problem as compared to the west....

 

Less of a problem how? In that Indian teenagers somehow know more about safety and respect for themselves and their partners? Or less "problematic" in that Indian teenagers are somehow less inclined to engage in sexual activity? (which personally I find surprising since I think that on issues of innate emotions and sexual feelings people are similar in all cultures. I suppose I could see how perhaps in some cultures people might be less inclined to act on those feelings though).

 

 

 

Anyway, I commend you, Greame! It sounds like your son is well-adjusted and it also sounds like he has a very high probability of remaining so!

 

 

I think that giving adolescents and pre-adolescents information on these subjects is vitally important. I think it's a really imprudent move to assume that they'll pick it up on their own somehow, be it through friends, sex-ed, or outside literature and videos, etc. I certainly think it's better if a parent provides informational resources (other than themselves) or knows that their child will have a quality sex ed class and thereby decides not to supplement that education personally. However, I still think talking to the kids directly about these topics is most certainly the best course of action if it's at all possible.

 

I've thought about this topic a lot and my ideal scenario for a child's sexual education would go something like this:

 

-Allowing the young child to engage in normal "exploration" of their bodies but teaching them about appropriate contexts. For example "it's okay to touch yourself there, but only in private, not in public," and "make sure you tell me if anyone else, especially anyone more than a couple of years older, ever touches or tries to touch you there. You won't get in trouble, but I need to know."

 

-As the child gets older teaching them the proper names for their body parts and telling them that slang terms are okay, but shouldn't be perceived derogatorily or as something to be ashamed of.

 

-Always being willing to honestly answer any question they might have. Thanking them for the question and telling them how pleased you are that they came to you with it. Taking the opportunity to proactively broach certain subjects when related topics come up casually as a result of conversation, television, movies, music, school, art, literature, etc.

 

-Once they reach junior high being certain that they know the basics of sex and the importance of respecting and protecting your own body and that of your partner(s). Encouraging them to only progress at a rate they are comfortable with and not to engage in activities too soon, but making sure that they have access to condoms and other "sexual necessities." Asking them to please come to you with any questions. Also making it a point to supply them with books about puberty and sex education.

 

-Once they reach high school sitting them down to discuss my own values about sex, sexual orientation, and sexual health and encouraging them to discuss their feelings and thoughts on these topics. This would probably the closest thing to an official "TALK" that I'd plan, but here it would be more of a discussion of the issue and its related aspects than an educational lecture because I would hope and expect that if I'd down the previous steps correctly they would already know all the key informational points. If they did seem ignorant about something or had any questions I'd of course inform them but the point of this chat would be to discuss values, feelings, and attitudes.

 

-Separately, as something that wouldn't be planned but which would depend on the specific child, once they had their first date or first boyfriend/girlfriend I would take the opportunity to "embarrass" them by privately giving them pamphlets about pregnancy, STDs, and safer sex practices, as well as directly giving them condoms and lube, and then telling them that before they could go on their next date they had to pass a "quiz" I would of course also take the opportunity to invite questions as well as a discussion of values and attitudes.

 

If the child had not at all prior to finishing high school, some kids don't and that's certainly okay, then I'd make the above conversation/activity a sort of "graduation/exit exam" from high school. I definitely would try to be sure that they didn't start college without me explicitly finding out how informed they are about STDs and safer sex.

 

 

 

 

Of course, all of that is just my "ideal" plan of action. I'm sure it's much harder to actually do while raising a kid and I'm sure it becomes something you just have to sort of improvise when you get the chance.

 

 

Just my thoughts

-Kevin

[BeaStKid]

Less of a problem how? In that Indian teenagers somehow know more about safety and respect for themselves and their partners? Or less "problematic" in that Indian teenagers are somehow less inclined to engage in sexual activity? (which personally I find surprising since I think that on issues of innate emotions and sexual feelings people are similar in all cultures. I suppose I could see how perhaps in some cultures people might be less inclined to act on those feelings though).

It'd be the latter. The society, as such, has ingrained in the kids that pre-marital sex is a big No-no. I think the only place where teenage sex could be a problem in India would be the metropolitan cities.

 

 

BeaStKid

[Jack Frost]

My parents were wise to avoid the talk with me and my sister at all costs.

 

It worked for the best for us.

 

It'd be the latter. The society, as such, has ingrained in the kids that pre-marital sex is a big No-no. I think the only place where teenage sex could be a problem in India would be the metropolitan cities.

It's probably only a matter of time for this taboo to come crashing down.

 

Teenage sex is not a problem itself as long as you know what you're doing.

[AFriendlyFace]

My parents were wise to avoid the talk with me and my sister at all costs.

 

It worked for the best for us.

Not to pry, but why do you feel it was better that your parents didn't discuss it with you than if they had?

 

It's probably only a matter of time for this taboo to come crashing down.

 

Teenage sex is not a problem itself as long as you know what you're doing.

Yes, I'm personally inclined to agree.

[Ieshwar]

Well, being from Indian culture, we were always said that sex should be after marriage. But yes, this taboo is crashing down and I don't like it. Not that I have anything against teenage sex. It's just that unlike the western teenagers, the ones here aren't well prepared for that. This sudden exposure/freedom is making them not only foolish but also making them take unnecessary risks. And the thing is that parents can't really have the talk. First, we are very conservative and sex talks between parents and children is very rare. And People think that if the parent talk about sex, it will be some sort of permission to have sex before marriage. Of course, i don't agree. With the talk, at least you know that they are aware.

 

And Graeme, your son sounds to be a wise kid to me.

 

And yeah, of course, for reasons I explained above, I never had THE talk, not that I was expecting anyway.

 

Take care,

Ieshwar

[old bob]

One of the reasons I had this chat now is because sometime in the next 18 months, my wife and I intend to sit down with both of our boys and explain that their dad is gay. We want to do this before the older boy hits puberty, but I think certain other things have to be in place first.

wow!

once more I admire your wisdom. I wished I had the father your sons have ! I'm sure they will support not only the fact that you are gay but even more the way you and your wife live your gayness. It's an model for us and I thank you to share it with us.

[Dion]

Sex, puberty, physical progression - totally forbidden topics in my parents' household. This did not change in the 35 years that I spent with/near them.

 

I doubt it has changed now.

 

I missed the Sex Ed session at school (1 afternoon, 3 hours) and didn't find out the what/why/how until grade 11 health class.

[BeaStKid]

It's probably only a matter of time for this taboo to come crashing down.

I concur...

 

It's unfortunate, though...