Five Things Your Fictional Characters Would Want to Say To You

[Kavrik]

1. STOP INTERRUPTING US. every time we, the fictional characters, are about to make the kissy time? BAM. interruption. BAM. distraction. BAM. hormonal frustration. BAM. romantic tension! JUST LET US MAKE THE FANCY FANCY WITHOUT AUTHORIAL INTERRUPTION FOR PETE'S SAKE.

 

Writer Rebuttal: SUCK IT UP, fictional characters. we need you to angst in order to make our stories more fraught with the yeaaaaaaarning. instant gratification is overrated.

 

2. MAKE ME COOLER. i want to be bigger, badder, cooler, hotter, stronger. make me light things on fire with my eyeballs! i want to be like Superman except more awesome and minus the Kryptonite. i mean, YOU'RE JUST MAKING ALL OF THIS UP. i'm not even REAL! make me COOLER.

 

Writer Rebuttal: FIRST OF ALL: of course you're REAL! let's not have that discussion right now, the therapist says it isn't healthy, and maybe we can't find our pills this morning because we're only just beginning to distinguish our left from right hands and secondly! we have to make you less cool and less perfect and thereby: more human. otherwise the people will complain! i'm sure you understand.

 

3. I'M BORED. i don't understand why the first 50 pages of this book is nothing but backstory about why my Nana takes her wig off to get drunk. GET TO THE GOOD PARTS, and FAST.

 

Writer Rebuttal: OH SNAPS. sorry about that. yeah, let us um.. delete..

 

4. KILL THE OTHER GUY. i want to be immortal forever. make me INVINCIBLE. make me like Voldemort except for the part where he's killed by a scrawny teenager. no wait -- make me like Dumbledore except for the part where he's killed by a scrawny teenager. DAMMIT MAKE ME IMMUNE TO SCRAWNY TEENAGERS.

 

Writer Rebuttal: you ARE a scrawny teenager, kid. move along and be content with your perfect figure and your striking eyes and your exceptional good looks and your heart of gold and your dark, intriguing past--

 

5. STOP HITTING ON ME. i'm pretty sure i'm under eighteen, and i think that's illeg--

 

WELL THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR TODAY, FOLKS!

 

Happy Hannukchrismasyulewhatevers!

[Sara Alva]

4. KILL THE OTHER GUY. i want to be immortal forever. make me INVINCIBLE. make me like Voldemort except for the part where he's killed by a scrawny teenager. no wait -- make me like Dumbledore except for the part where he's killed by a scrawny teenager. DAMMIT MAKE ME IMMUNE TO SCRAWNY TEENAGERS.

 

Writer Rebuttal: you ARE a scrawny teenager, kid. move along and be content with your perfect figure and your striking eyes and your exceptional good looks and your heart of gold and your dark, intriguing past--

 

5. STOP HITTING ON ME. i'm pretty sure i'm under eighteen, and i think that's illeg--

 

 

That part was laugh-out-loud funny. Not just lol, but really, laughing out loud

[AnytaSunday]

Yeah, number 4 was killer. Hilarious!!!

[Nephylim]

You need to take the pills. I think they're the blue ones... or the green ones. I can let you have a handful of each if you're out.

 

Seriously that was AWESOME!!!! I actually do have conversations with my characters but they're not half as funny as that