Coming out

[Dark Princess]

I have been wondering about coming out. Do you think it is a good or bad idea and why? Please be completely honest

[Nephylim]

It's impossible for anyone to answer that question for you. They can answer it for them but they aren't and weren't and can't be in your situation.

 

Some of the pros and cons are

 

Pros

 

You don't have to hide anything

You can be who you are all the time

You are more likely to find others like you

You're not afraid of your secret getting out.

 

Cons

 

You might not be accepted by your familied and/or friends who might be angry, spiteful, violent etc.

You might attract unwanted attention

You might not be safe

You might be isolated

You might lose friends

 

This is only a taste though and it's something you have to work through for yourself

[rustle]

Add to what Nephy said, once you're out, you can't go back in. But it's nice to lead an authentic life. You don't have to keep track of the lies.

[TetRefine]

Completely depends on your circumstances and whether or not you're ready and willing to deal with the challenges that come with being out. I really can't answer that question without knowing a lot more details of your own personal situation.

[Lixiaolang78]

This might be a hard choice whether to come out or not but it's yours to make. No one can really decide what's best for you.

Personally I think it'd be wrong if I answered your question because it would only reflect my own experience and not your personal situation.

 

I guess if you're still wondering this means you're not ready (and believe me it's not a bad thing) !

[doriangray1986]

I came out at the age of 18, I was like even if they hate me I will be an adult. I am from the South, but my parents were very supportive of me. I agree, it does depend on your situation, but I could just not hold it in anymore and I felt so much better once I got that weight lifted off of me

[Former Member]

Hard to say, me personally I'm waiting for the right reasons to 'come out' I wouldnt just come out for the sake of it. It has the potential to open up a whole can of worms. If I was serious about someone and needed to come out to be able to have a relationship with them, without hiding things and making the relationship complicated. I think I would. Otherwise I'm happy the way things are. As Nephy said there are pros and cons to coming out. Only you can decide whether or not the cons outweigh the pros

[JamesSavik]

Coming out depends on a number of things and it's all about YOU.

 

#1 Will you be safe? Some people are not. Others are sent to str8 camp where religious nuts f**k with their heads.

 

#2 BE EIGHTEEN! If you are not, the adults in your life can call the shots.

 

#3 Have a backup plan- if things go badly.

 

#4 If you are dependent on your family for car, college or a place to live, be prepared to lose it. Unless you have a good idea how they will react, respect Murphy's Law.

 

#5 Depending on your age, you are likely to get variations of are you sure or it's just a phase. If you are not prepared to face these questions with confidence, don't come out at all.

 

#6 Some parents may want (or even demand) that you see a counselor, psychologist or shrink. If you do, make sure that they are not associated with a church, church run clinic or hospital. Make sure that they are a member of either the American Psychological Association or the American Psychiatric Association.

 

#7 Unless you are EXTREMELY well versed in your religion/scripture, do no engage in religious discussions regarding homosexuality with clergy or lay people. Many religions train their people with just what to say and it's nothing that you want to hear.

[Benji]

Coming out depends on a number of things and it's all about YOU.

 

#1 Will you be safe? Some people are not. Others are sent to str8 camp where religious nuts f**k with their heads.

 

#2 BE EIGHTEEN! If you are not, the adults in your life can call the shots.

 

#3 Have a backup plan- if things go badly.

 

#4 If you are dependent on your family for car, college or a place to live, be prepared to lose it. Unless you have a good idea how they will react, respect Murphy's Law.

 

#5 Depending on your age, you are likely to get variations of are you sure or it's just a phase. If you are not prepared to face these questions with confidence, don't come out at all.

 

#6 Some parents may want (or even demand) that you see a counselor, psychologist or shrink. If you do, make sure that they are not associated with a church, church run clinic or hospital. Make sure that they are a member of either the American Psychological Association or the American Psychiatric Association.

 

#7 Unless you are EXTREMELY well versed in your religion/scripture, do no engage in religious discussions regarding homosexuality with clergy or lay people. Many religions train their people with just what to say and it's nothing that you want to hear.

 

Exactly, I couldn't have said it better James!!

[Cia]

Do I think coming out in general is a good idea? Sure, if it's something that you want and can handle. Is there a reason to? Do you feel the need to tell people? Are you wanting to tell a specific friend for a reason or your family because you feel you are living in secret? As others have said before, are you ready to accept the consequences?

 

Look... everyone reacts differently. Their generation, their location, their friends/family. For example, my dad is a 53 year old homophobic redneck from the south. He doesn't rant and rave but he uses not so nice terms to describe gay people and I know that about him. I'm bi. I've never told my dad but I did tell 2 of my sisters. One older, one younger. The older one is supportive, even of my writing. The other one I told called me a freak. We don't talk much anymore. Then you have the next generation, my daughter.

 

Just this morning she was reading over my shoulder on the computer and asked what GA meant. When I said, Gay Authors, she said... but you aren't gay. I just waited (she's not ready for the whole bi talk) and her next words were, it wouldn't matter if you were though and you do write. I just kissed her head and said yep, I do and you're right, it doesn't matter. 5 people in one family, all different ages, and all different reactions. Can I predict any of those? Really, only my daughter's since I have tried to shape her opinions myself.

 

I think one day you won't have this conflict, this need to say 'you're out'. There won't be an out. You'll be gay or straight or bi... and no one will care either way. That's not right now though. Right now you have to consider the things that Nephy and James have mentioned because it's the reality you face if you feel the need to share with others something so personal. Only you know when it's right and SAFE for you to do that.

[Graeme]

James gave some excellent advice, but I want to pick up on one point:

#6 Some parents may want (or even demand) that you see a counselor, psychologist or shrink. If you do, make sure that they are not associated with a church, church run clinic or hospital. Make sure that they are a member of either the American Psychological Association or the American Psychiatric Association.

 

Dark Princess has their location listed as South Africa. James's comments about the two APAs highlights the fact that there are also cultural/national differences for different people. As an example, I would just flat out say NO to anyone living in Iran if they asked about coming out.

 

To show some of the range of possibilities, I'll use myself as an example.

 

I've known I'm gay since probably about 14. I knew earlier, but I didn't have a word to assign to it. However, I didn't accept it until I was 40. I knew it, I didn't deny it, but I told myself it was only a small part of who I am (true) and didn't matter (false).

 

It was only when I was able to reach out safely to others via the Internet that I learnt to accept myself. Prior to that I couldn't come out because there was no way to 'try it beforehand'. As has been said above, there's no going back. Being a naturally cautious and introverted person, I couldn't come out - it was too big a step for me. The Internet, however, allowed me to 'come out' without a significant risk. I could 'try it' and slowly accept myself.

 

This lead up to the time just before my 41st birthday when I finally came out to my wife. In hindsight, I didn't know what I was doing. I'm lucky - after several months of pain, my wife and I sorted out our problems and our marriage is still strong. I learnt the statistics afterwards - 80% of marriages fail almost immediately, and half the rest don't last more than two years. That's what I was risking when I came out. If I had known then what they were, I probably wouldn't have come out - I was lucky.

 

Even now, I'm only out to a handful of people, and that's because I'm putting my family first. Until my two young boys are old enough to be able to cope with any taunts, etc, that come their way, I'm staying in the closet for most people. I would like to be out, but other priorities dictate I stay in the closet. The risk of harm to my family (not to me) is what's keeping me in the closet.

 

That's very different to other people, but that's the point in posting this - there is a lot of variation in situations and there's no 'one-size-fits-all' solution.

[Dannsar]

Personal circumstances is all, as most people have said.

 

I came out pretty much as soon as I was able once it was all settled in my head. I just decided ... cos I'm an awkward cus ... that I didn't care what the rest of the world thought, they could just get bloody well on with it. My mother, for instance, never disputed it really, but didn't want the neighbours to know. Well, tough.

 

But as, especially jamessavik, most people said, it needs to be for your reasons, and you need to understand that you are going to have to live with the consequences. As far as I was concerned, the consequences of staying in were far worse than coming out. I just do not see the benefit in giving in timidly to twats. So, I got beaten up by my cousin and my face was twice its usual size and I couldn't see out of one eye etc etc etc.

 

Would I do the same again? Damn right. But as you can see, you have to be ready for the consequences to be rather different to how you might like.

 

I would say, also, though, that this all works in the opposite way too. My mate was married with two kids and had tried his hardest not to be gay. So he hung himself. Thankfully somebody found him, but this does illustrate that it is not only the xternal which is important.

 

But whatever you decide, good luck and God bless, if you have one of those.

[Cyhort]

I'd like to add something to the "wait till you're 18" thing. If you think there's a chance you'll get kicked out don't just wait till you're 18. Wait till you have a stable job and can support yourself. It doesn't do you any good being an unemployed legal adult without a place to live or any means to get one.

[Y_B]

I have been wondering about coming out. Do you think it is a good or bad idea and why? Please be completely honest

 

There's no universal answer to this....do what's best for yourself. It may be good for some people, it may not be for others.

Don't let people try to convince you either way solely based on their own experiences or thoughts about it.

[Tomas]

I normally don't respond to this type of post. One of the reasons is that I usually don't know how to respond.

 

As I have said in other posts, I have never gone through the emotional trauma and angst usually associated with the discovery that you are different. I knew that I was different when I was nine. Had my first lover when I was nine. He was my best friend and also nine. Of course, we didn't really know what we were doing, but we never heard any negatives about it. Got caught once, but all that happened was we were told that we shouldn't be doing what we were doing. I had a couple of crushes going through school, but never acted on them. I never acted any particular way. I was just me and never tried to be anyone or anything except me. I was away from home when my parents found out, I think I was 19 at the time. All that they said, was I was still their son and they loved me just the same. They also told me if that was the reason that I left home, I was always had a place there when and if I wanted to come home.

 

Not having been in nor out in the current meaning of the words and never having been exposed to any of the homophobic vitriol that exists in current society makes it difficult, for me at least, to give any kind of reasonable advice or to feel comfortable doing so. After all, how can I advise someone when I can't truly understand what they are feeling. That being said, in this circumstance, seeing what happened to a few of my friends when they were outed, I can make an observation. One thing that you must remember, the social climate back then, more years ago than I like to remember, was different than it is today. At least where I grew up.

 

I do have to agree with the advice, or lack thereof, given here. No one can really know what consequences another will face in making such a life changing decision, and it is life changing. You will still be you, except that you will be a more honest you, but not everyone will be able to accept that and it can easily turn into dangerous situation for you.

 

It is up to you to determine if this is the time to do it or whether it makes more sense to wait, especially if there is no compelling reason to out yourself at this time. And... Only YOU can make that determination based on your experiences and knowledge of your situation and the attitudes of the people around you. (Friends, Family, etc.) No one else can or should do that for you.

 

The only other thing I can say is, "Be Wary".

 

[Graeme]

I do have to agree with the advice, or lack thereof, given here. No one can really know what consequences another will face in making such a life changing decision, and it is life changing. You will still be you, except that you will be a more honest you, but not everyone will be able to accept that and it can easily turn into dangerous situation for you.

 

Thanks, Tomas! You've reminded me of something that's important.

 

After I came out to my wife, I changed. I was more relaxed - I was happier with myself. It was noticeable enough that my brothers and sisters commented on it in a positive way (they didn't know the reason and still don't - I'm not out to them).

 

Being honest with yourself has positive benefits. There is a lot of justified caution being expressed in this thread, but I thought the benefits should also be pointed out.

[Krista]

Honestly, I don't see the point in coming out - you are who you are, to your friends and family already. Some people just put too much emphasis on Sexual Orientation. It doesn't really matter what you do in the bedroom or how you are in your private life. Sure, I guess it will be good to show up at a family function arm and arm with someone you love, but until then I just don't see the point in putting yourself out there.

 

People should really think about coming out before they do it. I like to think we live in a place where people can be accepted for what ever they are, but we're not in that world yet.. So there's more than likely going to be something or someone that you'll lose in this transition... you can't really prepare for that, because you just don't know what will happen.

 

You've already invested in the loves and friendships in your life, and you're only sixteen. What you've grown into will not change in two to three years, in that time I would prepare myself better for it. You've seemed to already make the decision that you'd like people to know everything about you, but maybe you've not taken the time to realize what exactly that means.

 

At 16, if I was a lesbian I wouldn't come out of the closet.. I probably wouldn't come out of the closet until after college..

[Y_B]

Honestly, I don't see the point in coming out - you are who you are, to your friends and family already. Some people just put too much emphasis on Sexual Orientation. It doesn't really matter what you do in the bedroom or how you are in your private life. Sure, I guess it will be good to show up at a family function arm and arm with someone you love, but until then I just don't see the point in putting yourself out there.

 

I agree that people put too much emphasis in sexuality in defining themselves and/or thinking about other people. I live in the same manner you just described...what happens in my private life is private and no one really needs to know about it and I think a lot of people live that way. The benefit to coming out would be marginal but there are still some. As for me, It would be kinda nice if I can open my mouth and not feel a need to apply a pronoun filter or make an open comment about a good looking guy.

[Y_B]

Also, this is something that's been on my mind as well concerning coming out.

 

If you're one of those types who is clearly gay, and hopefully not completely oblivious to it, please just come out or at the very least do not deny it. There was a guy in my hall sophomore year who is the archetype of stereotypical gay, the "gurl no you did'nnnnn" snap snap strutting down the street type who takes gayness out of the bedroom onto his sleeves but so defensively claimed himself to be straight to the rest of the dorm. I didn't understand it, I just wanted to punch him in the face. Saw him downtown once with another guy but didn't care to call him out. I wonder what goes through his mind and for what reasons would he have to want to be in the closet and think it works.

Edited August 19, 2011 by Yang Bang

[Krista]

Also, this is something that's been on my mind as well concerning coming out.

 

If you're one of those types who is clearly gay, and hopefully not completely oblivious to it, please just come out or at the very least do not deny it. There was a guy in my hall sophomore year who is the archetype of stereotypical gay, the "gurl no you did'nnnnn" snap snap strutting down the street type who takes gayness out of the bedroom onto his sleeves but so defensively claimed himself to be straight to the rest of the dorm. I didn't understand it, I just wanted to punch him in the face. Saw him downtown once with another guy but didn't care to call him out. I wonder what goes through his mind and for what reasons would he have to want to be in the closet and think it works.

 

 

I don't know, I guess fear can drive a person to deny something that is obvious to everyone else... I just usually accept what they say and go on... no need to pull someone out of the closet that apparently isn't ready.

[Dannsar]

Honestly, I don't see the point in coming out - you are who you are, to your friends and family already. Some people just put too much emphasis on Sexual Orientation.

Lordy, Krista! If you'll forgive me, that seems incredibly naive. How do you have a full and meaningful relationship with a partner if they cannot meet your family and friends, if you can't talk about them to work colleagues etc etc?

 

Coming out is waaaaaay more than shouting "I'm bent! Get over it!". It is the freedom to live your life to its fullest. Furthermore 'coming out - you are who you are' is a contradiction in terms. If they don't know you are gay, then you are decidedly not 'who you are, to your friends and family already'.

 

I understand that your underpinning philosophy is supportive. But this is a very misleading statement. It's almost like saying 'yeah ... coming out .... well we know you want to, because it will make you feel whole ... but you don't need to, to make yourself feel whole ... so don't bother ... and feel unwhole instead, with all that comes with that ... because, truly, it doesn't matter'. Go back to my post and you will see what sort of effects that has.

[sunsbane]

There pretty much isn´t anything said here that I don´t agree with, especially the emphisis everyone put on it being a completely individual matter for each of them. To share a bit of my experience, I haven´t ever ¨come out¨ per se, but over the last few years I have become visibly more myself. More honest with people, in some ways. In a scociety where each gender has their place, their way of dressing and acting, what they enjoy and talk about- I don´t try to hide anymore that how I am is mostly the opposite of what people expect of me. Some people know the truth about me, but I´m sure that others get the wrong idea all the time. I don´t care about the others and anyone who cares enough to ask, will probably get some sort of answer, maybe even an honest one.

 

My family know more or less about what´s going on, a fact which was sent home when they asked, just to be certain, if it was alright to use the fund money put aside for future my wedding, all on my sister´s wedding. It made me realise that they understood.

 

But that´s my family, and I know for a face that most of the poeple I call my friends, even the ones dearest to me, have unfortunately gotten a particular religious education and will mostly never be able to accept me for who I am. So for now, although I don´t change how I act or dress just because I´m with them, I´m not planning on coming out to any of them. Not yet, not until I am prepared for the consequences.

 

So once again, that´s my family and friends and I decided how far I´m willing to go with each, while just being prepared for what will happen if I decide to change things or if things change without me getting to decide. Friends will be lost, but then again, maybe some will surprise me. You just have to think very long and hard about what the consequences of coming out will be and see if you are up to it.

 

One last thing I can say is that even if it´s hard, being honest about who you are, it always makes me feel better, stronger, more comfortable in my own skin. And when I take a step back, being less honest with certain people, I end up feeling like crap. I guess that say something too.

[Tejun]

Every time someone comes out they suffer and they are rewarded. Each comes in varying degrees for every individual. I live in a small town(not from a small town) my boyfriend was in the closet for a year and a half and he had all of these reasons why not to come out. Then I took him to San Diego and he saw a real gay community and went to his first gay clubs. HaHa in less than a week he came out. Nothing had changed, none of his 'fears' were less valid. He had just witnessed an entire community where people like us were not afraid. He saw us being celebrated. It was pretty awesome to watch.