Gay In College

[TetRefine]

I'm curious to know people's experiences about being gay in college and how open you were able to be. Was it easy? hard? Could you be open? or did you have to stay closeted? I'm especially curious of some of the older member's experiences back in the day.

 

For me, I was able to come out to all my friends, and I feel perfectly comfortable being out. People know I have a boyfriend, and no one has given me shit about any of it (expect joking of course). I even had a half hour conversation with my roommate about anal sex and what sex with another guy was like. I've never seen a straight guy so inquisitive about gay sex, lol.

 

Anyway. Oh yeah, please describe the environment of your college.

[colinian]

For me, my partner, and my brother and his boyfriend it has been totally a non-issue. But we're going to UC Berkeley so that might be a factor. Or, perhaps it's the size of the school (~36,000 students) so every possible variant attends school here. There are at least a dozen gay organizations on campus, and there's the Unity Program which has a LGBT Theme Program (http://themeprograms.berkeley.edu/unity.html) that the four of us participated in our first two years on campus.

 

We were open about being gay, but only if asked. We didn't go around saying "We're gay!" to anyone, nor did we offer that information when being introduced to someone (even a girl). I think it's in the same category as asking if you have a tat when there's none visible. I never had a problem saying "Yeah, I'm gay. Are you?" if someone asked me. The 'Are you?' part was an ice-breaker in most cases. We weren't members of the QSA or other LGBT clubs on campus, primarily because we didn't have time due to our class loads.

 

I shared a dorm room with my partner, so I never had the opportunity (or issue) to have a discussion about sex with my dorm mate. Well, Doug and I did have discussions, but you know what I mean. Anyway, the question almost never came up unless someone wondered because they saw me and Doug together all the time.

 

Colin

[rustle]

Back in the day, I was a chickenshit, and uncertain, so I wasn't out. I majored in drama; it wouldn't have been a huge deal. Most of my friends were artistic, creative types. It was a commuter college in a major city, with an active gay community, and 18 was legal to drink. AIDS and herpes were unknown, it was the end of the Sexual Revolution, when promiscuity was a virtue, but I was painfully shy, or I'd have died before I hit 30, like a number of people I knew.

 

I was always glad to educate somebody who wants to know "what it's like," and I've had a few of those conversations, too. My mom regretted a few questions she asked, but appreciated the answers after a while.

[W_L]

No one really cared either at my college, though part of it was that no one honestly believed it. I don't come off as gay; at times girls mistake my kindness for flirting, I am just that kind of guy though. I knew gay guys and their partners, but we were not close. Part of it was just that I didn't find anything in common with them; I liked bands Plain White T's and Three Days Grace more than Evanescence or Katie Perry, I didn't think pink was the new black (don't get me started on flannel), and we just never clicked.

 

I also did not have a long term partner in college, nor actually after college more than four months (my relationships fall apart very easily). My experience has been that of the gay guy finding my own place in the world without some one else.

 

For me, I think it depends on the person at any college. Unless you're studying at Oral Roberts University, being gay is a personal journey in college.

[Matthew k]

While a lot of people don't care and at a lot of colleges, like Berkeley, you can be out...... unless you are a male athlete. Oh I suppose a cross country guy or a gay swimmer or diver would be okay, but not in football, rugby, water polo, basketball or even baseball. There was a football player who came out at Cal when I was there, ('97-'01) and it did NOT go well.

 

But then there are also levels of out... there is where your friends know and you aren't really in the closet, but not everyone knows because no one asks. Then there is really out, wearing the rainbow show laces, the "I >heart< my boyfriend" t-shirt with the Justin Bieber backpack.

[methodwriter85]

I was more on the order of "out" as in if you asked me, I would tell you, but not everyone asked.

 

My friend Steve had a habit of telling our mutual friends that I was gay. It didn't piss me off, but it was funny to have people tell me that they didn't think I was gay. As a former 12-year old gay boy who could quote Clueless and devoured Sweet Valley High books, the idea that anyone wouldn't immediately pick up on me being gay was hilarious.

 

Being gay was generally met with, at UD, a general "it's whatever". I did go to a more narrow-minded school for my first year of college, and I had a guy who stopped talking to me after I told him how hot I thought he was in front of a bunch of people that were drunk. There was also this baseball player who stopped talking to me after I told him I was gay. We had this weird homoerotic encounter when spring of freshmen year; the whole deal with that guy was weird.

[VictoryPanda]

Where in High School, everything seemed so close minded and win-or-lose, college just seems so different. I'm sure back in the day it was different, but as far as I've noticed since 2007, I've been pretty out without even knowing it. Either people know, don't know or just don't care either way. The people I've hung out with have always just wanted to go out and have fun... and party. Hell, I made out with a guy on the dance floor at a straight club and I only heard one guy yell something... yet do nothing. I have noticed that guys are more keen to do things if they're heterosexual in college. I guess it's the time to be adventurous and explore, but it's also weird. The concept of gay and straight these days tend to be more curious and just friendly. I've had straight guys dance, flirt and all kinds of things with me. While that's a giving sign to say "duh, they're gay", I'm not going to think every gay guy who marries and tries to do things with a girl is straight.

 

Now, if we're talking real-world... that's a diff story.

[Arpeggio]

My bf and I are both open and out, but I gotta admit, I don't have much of a social life at my college. I go to class, study in the library, etc, but I don't really know a lot of people there, but even still, I don't hide that I'm gay. I don't think we have any gay organizations though.

[Y_B]

If there's a school in the south that woulda been supportive of an openly gay student, it's UT, but I never made it happen by choice. As socially conservative as campus can sometimes be, the city is the liberal capital of TX and huge flocks of gay residents roam around.

 

Our school has a large but unorganized gay student organization but it's occupied by large numbers of really open and imo obnoxious gay guys that made the group very uninviting for someone like me who would have preferred something smaller, quieter and not so flamboyant. So I never even bothered to involve myself .

 

In the organizations I did involve myself in, I have actually witness some slight but subtle homophobia and it was pretty unfortunate. In one of the club sports I was involved in, there was a guy who quit halfway through the semester because he could no longer tolerate the subtle but obvious mockery. To this day I wish i could have been there for him more and been more supportive but I didn't realize the magnitude of everything until afterwards when people discussed it. After he left, I never really heard from him again but we did send a few back and forth messages. I apologized on behalf of the group and said I wish he hadn't quit. He replied by saying it had to be done but not to worry cuz he's always thought I was really nice to him.

 

As far as my fraternity experience goes however, we're actually really tolerant and we're not really that big so maybe that's why. Theres 1 or 2 guys who are just...well pretty "gay" but I dont think they are and in any case, they're not out and are so damn funny/fun to be around, nobody gives them sh*t. The only gay insecurity I really had was during rush and my pledge semester. There was 1 openly gay guy who rushed with me but they didn't take him but it was only because he wouldn't really talk. One of the funniest moments that happened to me was during pledge initiation when they asked me who here I would hook up with. LOL I easily told the truth but masked it in humor.

 

I suppose I never made the choice to out myself to any single friend here because I've already become so accustomed to living a closeted life. it's one I'm used to, one I know what to expect from and it hasn't been bad at all if you disregard the occasional loneliness and non-existant dating life. Ok, well those two things sometimes made it real bad but all things considered, I was happy. I enjoyed chatting about girls and stuff but I suppose it would have been really nice too to opinionate on a hot guy or something like that. I've realized these past few days in GA chat the I have quite the loud opinions too LOL. The sneaking around behind everyone's back to have a quick shag with another guy was actually pretty thrilling, the FEW times I did that (honestly). But eventually I decided that it was too much to not have any sort of social outlet so I managed to make 1 or 2 acquaintances that knew of my preferences. Through them, I met the first guy I eventually ended up dating for over a year.

 

These days I'm beginning to open up more and am making new gay acquaintances. It's still uncomfortable because I'm really not used to being in the presence of someone who knows about me but I'm learning to relax. I'm even actively pursing a dating life which is exciting but at the same time disappointing because there are far more guys willing to just hook up than date and I'm not really into that anymore........well, maybe if he's frat or ummm Tim Tebow .......or Mr 3x3 (*wink* Auel and Merlin). Any of these 3 and I'm up for another kungpaoing LOL.

 

******I'm sorry for writing so much****

Edited November 29, 2011 by Y_B

[MikeL]

I find your response very interesting, Yang. I doubt any southern university, including University of Texas, is particularly supportive of gays. Indeed, a friend who is a recent graduate of UofTX tells me of a very horrifying experience he had there which clearly indicates a lack of support or even an attempt to support gays by senior officials. Things may have changed since his graduation.

 

Southern universities, other than those with religious affiliations, usually have gay student organizations, but I doubt many of them have made much headway in their efforts at acceptance. Your fraternity seems unusually liberal, although the atmosphere you describe strikes me as something akin to Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

 

In any event, I wish you well. Oh, I suggest you give Tim Tebow a wide berth.

[K.C.]

Jeez, college…now there’re some memories somewhere in this head of those day...If I can find them. I guess I’m somewhere in the middle. Not as fortunate to be in the more accepting crowd that more and more younger guys are encountering now a days, but I didn’t face huge discriminations in the early 90’s as some of the older guys did before me.

 

I was open to the people around me and if someone didn’t like it, well, they weren’t my friend and I already had trouble letting people get close to me. I had a bad ‘I don’t give a crap’ attitude then…I’ve tamed some of that over the years, but not entirely.

 

My school back then didn’t support or have any form of GLBTQ awareness at all, but the community was starting to have a few programs at the time.

[Y_B]

I find your response very interesting, Yang. I doubt any southern university, including University of Texas, is particularly supportive of gays. Indeed, a friend who is a recent graduate of UofTX tells me of a very horrifying experience he had there which clearly indicates a lack of support or even an attempt to support gays by senior officials. Things may have changed since his graduation.

 

Southern universities, other than those with religious affiliations, usually have gay student organizations, but I doubt many of them have made much headway in their efforts at acceptance. Your fraternity seems unusually liberal, although the atmosphere you describe strikes me as something akin to Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

 

In any event, I wish you well. Oh, I suggest you give Tim Tebow a wide berth.

 

Was he a recent undergraduate?

I doubt any University anywhere, unless it has a special affiliation would be particularly accommodating per se, but going to school in Texas, UT seems to be the better choice for a gay student.

 

If I remember correctly, none of our officers and captains did much to help with the situation. He was talented but nothing spectacular so i couldn't help but wonder if things would have been different if he had a more significant role to play. In any case, you're right and I think what officers and group leaders do can have a huge effect.

 

Yea we're kinda liberal I suppose, and I'm glad. DADT seems to sound right too although some do ask. I know 3 other closeted fraternity guys here at school. One of them is give or take a bit more obvious than the other 2 (with that I mean he is not as uptight) but is pretty well received regardless. People have talked but nothing resoundingly disapproving. I believe it all has to do with leadership and swag. If you have the right kind of alpha stance, sexuality can be padded. I'm somewhat lacking in this regard compared to others.

 

As far as Tebow goes, my di.....heart is set. Can't keep away.

[Y_B]

I know 3 other closeted fraternity guys here at school. One of them is give or take a bit more obvious than the other 2 (with that I mean he is not as uptight) but is pretty well received regardless. People have talked but nothing resoundingly disapproving. I believe it all has to do with leadership and swag. If you have the right kind of alpha stance, sexuality can be padded. I'm somewhat lacking in this regard compared to others.

 

Scratch that first part completely

It's incredible what's available out there when you step 1 foot out of the closet door. I shoulda done this years ago.

I'm also fully reinforcing the second part of the statement

[Wulfenite]

Only one person at my college knows about me, I don't know if I want people to know.

[Aximili Chaosmembrane]

It's interesting to read about other people's college life. Makes me sad about mine though.

 

Anyways, college was pretty... plain. I was in the closet, and although I was out with a few, carefully selected friends, none of my classmates know about me. Then again, I was pretty conservative and I keep to myself most of the time, hiding away in the library or sitting somewhere and reading a good book, instead of hanging out with people. I think I was quite antisocial, without really meaning to.

 

As far as dating is concerned, a complete zero. I tried some a site called Facepic before, and I met one guy, but didn't know how it went coz after that I never saw him again. Or maybe I did but couldn't recognize him. LOL. I also tried the chatroom, and met a few, but they're just into ONS, something I completely abhorred back then. I was a hopeless romantic, looking for that guy who will sweep me off my feet, or a prince who I will serve as a knight in shining armor.

 

Now, I'm "open," in a way that I'm not hiding the fact that I'm gay, but like Colinian, I don't announce it. They also don't ask the right questions, and assume I'm straight. When I came out, my friends were so shocked coz they never expected me to be gay. As a friend of mine said, I'm the most ungay gay ever. LOL. Another friend, not wanting me to shock other people (like I did to her, LOL), introduces me as gay on the onset of meeting a new person. I just laugh.

 

I think that coming out in school can be liberating. Staying in the closet all those years, I think I was at least safe from disease, but it was five years of pure loneliness. In a way, I got used to it.

[TetRefine]

I'm not sure if this is what Yang said.

 

For me, I found that being a just a normal guy who was into all the "guy stuff" softened the blow to people when I came out. The fact that they so easily mistook me for being totally straight actually made it easier for them to accept that I was gay. Why? Because I'm just like them: I like sports, play Call of Duty, make dirty jokes, have a deep voice, and have an outward masculine appearance. I was so much like them and they realized that who I dated/fucked was only a small part of who I was. It didn't define me in any way.

 

I don't know how well it would have gone had I been a flamer/stereotype/queen. Probably not as well as it did in reality. But I think being "just one of the boys" made it easier for people who may not have been so accepting in the first place to accept me for being gay. I would imagine more effeminate guys would have a harder time gaining mainstream acceptance then the "straight acting" ones.

[Y_B]

I'm not sure if this is what Yang said.

 

huh?

[TetRefine]

huh?

 

Wait nevermind, I misread what you said.

[PrivateTim]

There are quite a few schools in the south that are supportive of their gay students, including Vanderbilt with it gay fraternity house. Austin, home of UT is a gay friendly city and UT itself is gay friendly. That isn't to say there can't be individual problems any place, but I don't think gays at UT have any more problems than Republicans and conservative do at Berkeley.

[Y_B]

Wait nevermind, I misread what you said.

 

Yeah, dat's right.

Keep on moving.

 

There are quite a few schools in the south that are supportive of their gay students, including Vanderbilt with it gay fraternity house. Austin, home of UT is a gay friendly city and UT itself is gay friendly. That isn't to say there can't be individual problems any place, but I don't think gays at UT have any more problems than Republicans and conservative do at Berkeley.

 

Gay fraternity....would they be Delta Iota Kappa or Kappa Omicron Kappa?

 

[MikeL]

I was so much like them and they realized that who I dated/fucked was only a small part of who I was. It didn't define me in any way.

Does Cammy know this?

[Y_B]

Does Cammy know this?

 

Mike, I think he meant "what I use to date/fuck was only a small part of who I am.

[TetRefine]

Mike, I think he meant "what I use to date/fuck was only a small part of who I am. It didn't define me in any way."

 

Yeah, something like that.

[Y_B]

^^ you just pwned yourself

[colinian]

There are quite a few schools in the south that are supportive of their gay students, including Vanderbilt with it gay fraternity house. Austin, home of UT is a gay friendly city and UT itself is gay friendly. That isn't to say there can't be individual problems any place, but I don't think gays at UT have any more problems than Republicans and conservative do at Berkeley.

Hey Tim, there are Republicans and Conservatives at Berkeley, and there are several Republican-oriented and Conservative-oriented clubs on campus. But they are in the minority, or perhaps students in these categories are as closeted as most gay guys are in high school.

 

Colin