Approaching a delicate 'talk'. . .

[Gemma]

I'm not sure where to start with this. Firstly, I'll say the reason why I'm posting this topic here is because reading some of the other topics, I've been impressed with the advice given. GA members seem to be a caring, intelligent group of people who take questions seriously and offer great insights.

 

I'll outline my situation briefly followed by my questions...

 

I'm married, mid-twenties, with one child. I love my husband, and (I believe) he loves me. He's been traveling for work quite a bit lately, and for the last month he's been away.

He gets on really well with some guys. One of his colleagues he seems to get on really well with, I sometimes wonder if I see admiration in his eyes when he talks about him. Anyway, they travel together. I may have had occasional fleeting (in my mind ridiculous) thoughts that he's maybe interested in him--but I dismiss these as me reading into things wrongly.

 

However, this week he came back, we were in bed and maybe 30mins-1hr into him sleeping, he starts to come on to me. Sexually and actively. Thing is I'm still awake, I can't sleep. Without getting into physical details, I'll get to the point of my concern. He's talking. And he says, and I quote (word for word (I wrote it down immediately, and couldn't sleep the rest of the night, either): "I just want your dick. I love to suck it."

 

I budged him off, saying I was not interested (uh, not after that), and he just fell back to sleep.

 

The first thing that went through my mind, along with a bit of shock was: Has he been doing this in his hotel room when he's away on business?

 

So, to my questions: How do I delicately approach asking him about this? Should I ask him about this, or am I being overly worried?--Is this normal to happen for a straight guy? Are there any gay guys here who have been in a relationship with a woman and had a similar situation--how would you have wanted to be asked about it?

 

Should I even ask? We have a child together--perhaps I should ignore it?

 

And my confession: I'm scared to ask. Maybe I just don't want to know. If he's bi, I can live with that--I really do believe he loves me. But then, on the other hand, I give my trust way too freely, I could never believe he'd cheat on me, but I can't help but wonder when he said/did this. Am I overthinking this all and I don't have anything to worry about?

 

Additionally, if it's not clear, I'm very pro gay rights and believe you love who you love. This doesn't change the fact that I'm concerned.

 

I'd appreciate only serious answers, please.

[Michael9344]

Hey. First of, I think it's safe to say that you will only receive serious answers from here.

You case is similar to another which we have addressed about two months ago. This matters become more complicated when children are involved. It's no longer about "you" and/or "him", but us including the kids. I think the right thing to do is to gently but firmly ask him about it. It's the response or the lack of one that will suggest the next line of action for you. But that only depends if you are willing and able to withstand the storm that might result. The other thing is that this kind of thing isn't what you should sweep under the rug.

[Gemma]

Thanks Micheal. Could you provide a link for that discussion? I'd be grateful.

 

The more I think about it, the more I convince myself it doesn't mean anything--maybe it was just a dream? But I'm afraid that's the scardey-cat in me talking.

[TetRefine]

Here's a link to that thread. I don't have any advice to give since I'm only 19, but this one has a lot of good points from both sides of the aisle.

 

http://www.gayauthor...is-on-the-line/

Edited December 7, 2011 by TetRefine

[Cia]

First off, I'm sorry you're dealing with this now, rough timing on top of a sensitive issue. I've been married for 11 years and have 2 kids. So... I sympathize with your situation in that regard. You have time invested and a bond to your husband above and beyond love for him. BUT there's a commitment that you both made to each other and that issue is beyond the act of what he is doing if he is cheating with a male co-worker. It's not the fact that he would be cheating with a man, don't worry we don't think that's what would be bothering you, it's that he's cheating.

 

My personal take on it is this. You HAVE to talk to him. You can't sublimate this and not say something. You'll just always wonder and that will damage your marriage too. He's eroded your trust and without talking to him, you won't get it back to rights. Practically, I would get a sitter for your child or send him/her to a friend or family member for a night. Then sit your husband down and talk to him. Don't accuse him but tell him what he said, tell him how you feel and how you have reconsidered his actions based on those comments he made. Again, DON'T accuse him.

 

No marriage will survive without open lines of communication and honesty. You have to talk to him about this imo. Good luck and if you ever need to talk or vent my pm box is always open or you can email me.

[Gemma]

TetRefine,

 

Thanks for the link. This is a great discussion, however, I feel it delves into the question of divorce more than it deals with my current 'first step' issue: How do I bring this up? How do I approach talking about it?

 

And, I want to know other people's opinions: Does what I wrote above sound like I have a cause for concern? Or am I overreacting? Do straight guys just dream and sleep talk about doing other guys? Or hey, even, do gay guys dream and sleep talk about doing women? I just want to know if this should even be taken seriuosly before I go and 'talk' to my husband.

 

I know my initial reaction was to think he might have been cheating. But it's possible he didn't, right?

Edited December 7, 2011 by Gemma

[Gemma]

My personal take on it is this. You HAVE to talk to him. You can't sublimate this and not say something. You'll just always wonder and that will damage your marriage too. He's eroded your trust and without talking to him, you won't get it back to rights. Practically, I would get a sitter for your child or send him/her to a friend or family member for a night. Then sit your husband down and talk to him. Don't accuse him but tell him what he said, tell him how you feel and how you have reconsidered his actions based on those comments he made. Again, DON'T accuse him.

Cia, thanks for your response. I think you might be right about the always wondering becoming an issue. I haven't been able to concentrate all day.

 

When I talk to him on the phone though, he sounds so caring and sweet and it makes me think I have to be so wrong. And I really hope I am, because he's the person of all my family and friends I feel I'm closest to. If I lose that trust in him, I don't think I could ever trust again.

 

I wonder if losing that sense of trust is worth asking him at all now. I don't know I could handle it, honestly. For seven years, he's pretty much been the only one.

 

Hmmm, I feel lost . . .

[Michael9344]

I don't think there is a winding way that you can ask the question. You can just tell him that you have some important to discuss and go straight to the point. But you shouldn't attack him or something like that. You just have to let him know that you are concerned about it .

I don't think you are overreacting. After all, you will just be talking with him, right?

As far as I know, it's not a regular occurance for straight guys to talk about gay sex in their sleep, just as it's unheard of for a gay guy to talk about women in his sleep.

And yeah, it's possible that didn't cheat on you. That he was just having an unusual wet dream about performing oral sex. It's also probable that he did.

Like I said, there's reason for you to talk with him. For everyone's sake. You can always talk to us or anybody you feel comfortable with.

Take care, good luck. *hug*

[Marzipan]

I think you really need to talk with him. This might have been heavy on his heart and even if you find out something that you might not want to hear it will be for the better. Truth will set you free. You might find out it's nothing to be worried about. Or it might be something you guys need to deal with together. As much as you might desire to hide your head in the sand it will probably end up eating you up alive. You will doubt everything.

 

Trust me, I have been on the other side of this that you are thinking is going on with him. I was in a long relationship with a man and at the end of it realized I was extremelly attracted to a female friend. If he'd pressured me to open up and talk about it earlier, we would have both been able to move on much earlier than we eventually did. Our relationship was doomed for so many reasons.

 

You guys might have a chance, just be honest with him and ask the same from him. Good luck.

[NaperVic]

Hi Gemma,

 

You received some pretty good advice and Cia did an awesome job of putting into words what I was thinking. Just to reiterate, don't accuse or ask him he's cheating as that might just put him on the defensive. It might be best just to state what you heard and ask him something along the lines if he's attracted to men sexually. It might be easier for him to admit that (if it's true) than to state that he did something physically with another man.

 

And my confession: I'm scared to ask. Maybe I just don't want to know. If he's bi, I can live with that--I really do believe he loves me. But then, on the other hand, I give my trust way too freely, I could never believe he'd cheat on me, but I can't help but wonder when he said/did this. Am I overthinking this all and I don't have anything to worry about?

 

I'd be scared too, but I think if you don't address it sooner rather than later, the wondering and worry will eat at you. You'll end up holding these thoughts/questions in and then blowing up or screaming something out in a fight in the future that might not be constructive.

 

If some of your fears about your husband are true, he owes it to all involved to be honest with himself and especially to you.

 

Take Care,

 

Vic

[Mark Arbour]

You know, one way to broach the topic is to tell him what you heard him say while he was sleeping. If you hit him square off with "Hey, are you gay?" he's probably going to freak out. But, if you warm him up to the topic first, maybe he'll react better. What he'll probably do is blow it off, and say that it had something to do with a dream and he doesn't remember any of it, but he'll know that you have your suspicions now, and it may just give him a nudge into opening up to you. If you want, you can even embellish and throw the other guy's name in there. "You said 'Hey Bill, I just want your dick. I love to suck it'."

 

I don't know. Maybe a dumb idea.

 

The line itself has me curious. It almost sounds like he's asking this guy (who I named Bill) for something he may not want to give up. He "just" wants to suck his dick. I'm wondering if that means that "Bill" doesn't want to do more than that, he's just trying to sound all sexy and romantic, or "Bill" thinks he wants more than to 'just' suck his dick?

[Daddydavek]

Before you talk to your husband I think you should ask yourself some questions and think about it.

 

1. How will you feel if you find out he is gay and sexually active that way?

2. How will you feel if he blows it off as a weird dream and you somehow don't quite believe him?

3. How will you feel if he confesses to having gay thoughts, dreams and yearnings and doesn't think he cannot NOT act on them eventually?

4. How will you feel if you wait a bit and see if there are any other signs that cause you to worry more?

5. How will you feel if you wait to see if anything else comes to light and nothing ever does?

6. How is he as a lover, father, provider and helpmate?

7. Do you really talk to each other already or are you still learning how?

 

If you can get a handle on what your own thoughts and feelings will be in the various scenarios, then it is time to ask. But you need to be prepared to be surprised. It could be nothing, nothing serious, or serious....

[Nephylim]

I think it's very possible that he has been having romantic thoughts about this man and that's perhaps why it came blurting out when he was asleep.

 

I have been in exactly that position, although my husband called me by a different name and asked for a different thing. He swore to me that he was not cheating on me but there were a LOT of other things that pointed that way. Looking back, in some ways he was absolutely blatant.

 

It was horrible to be in the position you are though and it ate away at me until I acted on it. With your husband being away so much you will never be able to say goodbye without wondering and worrying,

 

The way I dealt with it was to say... you were talking in your sleep last night.... In your case you might want to lead with a slightly jokey... since when did I have a dick and see what his reaction might be. Reassure him that you truly love him and believe he loves you but you have these concerns and you can't move past them until you talk about them.

 

Remember one thing if nothing else... Whether there are grounds to your concerns or not you have them and he has some responsibility for that. The fact that he said what he did gives you grounds for concern and he has to deal with that. The typical man reaction is defensive position and attack... If you really loved me you would trust me and know I wouldn't cheat on you etc etc. Don'e be taken in with that. I could say that if you truly loved me you wouldn't be wanting to suck dick, but I am not saying that, I know you love me but I need an explaination, a discussion.

 

Good luck

[NaperVic]

I forgot to bring up a point of 'physical' cheating versus 'mental' cheating. Her husband may not have actually done anything physical, so technically he can 'deny' that he cheated on Gemma.

 

But the fact that he's thinking or fantasizing about it would be an issue for me and one I would want to address.

[PrivateTim]

Everyone on GA wants to be helpful, but I think there is no substitute for professional help.

 

I think it is entirely possible for a sleeping/semi-sleeping man to be in a dream like state where he is having a same sex encounter and blurt out something that he would never act on in completely awake state.

 

The issue here really seems to be your insecurity as to what it meant when he said what he said since as near as I can tell he hasn't been more distant in your relationship and things are going well. I don't think anyone on GA can take away that insecurity and give you the best way to approach him. That is why I would ask a professional.

[Former Member]

A lot of great advice has already been given, but I'd still like to add my own two cents.

First and foremost, I'm very much single, I've never been married to begin with, and I don't have any children. So you are in a situation I have never experienced and can't really imagine. Even so, I'd like to try to help.

 

You said the following:

Does what I wrote above sound like I have a cause for concern? Or am I overreacting?

Well, he did say "I just want your dick. I love to suck it." Whether he actually had sex with a guy or not doesn't really matter, the fact is that he said he wanted some guy's dick. I don't think it's very important whether or not you have a cause for concern, you're worried all the same, period.

Like some of the other members have already suggested, make sure to find a moment when you can sit down with him to talk about this. No accusations, just voicing concerns. If you explain it to him calmly (what has caused you to be worried, why you feel insecure), I think it'll work out.

I really don't think you're overreacting. You were very calm and detailed in your explanation and if anything, you weren't accusing him. Not the way I see it. You were just telling us about the situation and why it bothers you. You were simply asking for advice, that's not overreacting!

 

I know my initial reaction was to think he might have been cheating. But it's possible he didn't, right?

Yes, that is possible, but it's also possible he did cheat. That's part of what worries you. You're not sure about it. It's no use to tell yourself "of course he didn't cheat on me", because you're not sure. Talk to him about it, I think that's the only way to find out. If you just keep wondering you'll probably damage your relationship.

 

What you're also worried about is your child. Now, what I'm about to say might sound cold, but please keep in mind that I don't have children myself: is this really about your child? The way I see it, first and foremost, it's about you and your husband. It's about your happiness.

 

I hope this'll help you in some way or other and that everything will work out fine for you. If I was rude or mean in any way, I sincerely apologize. I wish you all the best

[Celethiel]

love and sexual interest are two different things..... One can love someone deeply and be sexually interested in their own sex...

on that point, he could just be going through or being Bi-curious or have had always been bi.

My thoughts are don't confront him on it, if he comes out to you be supportive. He's obviously loves you, if he has kids with you.

All in All i have to agree with Daddydavek's points.

[Gemma]

Thanks for all the very helpful and insightful comments.

 

Following the line of thought 'I'd always wonder', I got up the courage enough to ask him about it. Asking him though made him really worried and upset. Worried that I felt insecure--he said he never wanted me to feel hurt--and upset, because he said I should never have had to ask. It sort of boiled down to a trust discussion.

 

I think, no matter how calmly one approaches a delicate talk, theres always going to be a certain amount of screw-up on either side.

I feel confident now that he was just having a dream. Maybe he has same-sex fantasies from time-to-time, but he was quick to assure me there were plenty of others.

 

I'm so relieved (he didn't cheat), though, it feels so much lighter now.

 

Thank you all so much for caring enough to give me your thoughts. I appreciate them all.

 

I guess, from my experience of this, if I were to approach the talk again, I'd have done it less 'calmly' and more 'jokingly' to see the reaction I'd have gotten that way. Sometimes I think, maybe I shouldn't have asked at all--but it's easy to say that AFTER asking (lol).

 

Anyway, thanks again so much. I look forward to continuing to read all your awesome stories!

[Nephylim]

I'm glad it worked out well in the end.

 

Have a wonderful and worry free Christmas

[Cia]

Hun, chalk this up to one of MANY conversations you'll have that will be sensitive and probably upsetting to one or both of you. Maybe not on this scale but in a marriage, when you really work at communicating, they happen. You had a situation that was iffy, you dealt with it and I"m guessing things will go back to normal for you both very soon. If you hadn't mentioned it how long would it have bothered you? In retrospect it's always easy to say oh, I shouldn't have worried but logic doesn't always drive emotions. I'm just glad things all worked out.

[Billy Martin]

One has no control over their dreams.

 

I'm glad in the end it that's all it was, just a dream.