Fae Briona

Warning: This is me whining, but trying to get my thoughts in order by writing them out. I left work early today not knowing if I was going to start screaming or crying; or just start doing both. This week has not been a good one. The weather keeps shifting back and forth by large jumps so the joints can't get back in balance before the next front hits. This is keeping my pain level above normal, and that is increasing my depression, and that is increasing my level of irritation. Partly because of this and partly -- I think -- because of the increased feelings for SP, C has been on my mind a lot the last few days. SP knows something is up because he reminded me he was there if I needed to talk. I wasn't going to because I don't want him to think he's competing for my love with a ghost, but I'm finding that to be deceitful; lies of omission. So I've decided I need to talk to him about C being in my dreams and how that relates to our beginnings. I'm pretty sure that SP will understand where these things are coming from. I've already said that my love for C will always be there. That won't fade as my love for SP grows, and he is aware of that. He actually brought up polyamory, and that is what led to that conversation. It's nice to be dating someone who is open to the idea of polyamory and the possibility of finding a third -- for the long term -- once our foundation is set. I Will Love You by Gin Wigmore came on this morning and I thought I was going to break down in my office - "So if you die before I do, I know the heartache will kill me too. So if I ever live again, It will be to find you." My brother sent a txt this afternoon telling me to call him when I had a chance. He never does that so I knew it wasn't good news. They brought dad from Skilled Nursing back to where he's been living for the last 9 years. Both my brother and I thought his memory would be better once he was back in familiar surroundings, but... doesn't look like it's going to be. He really didn't remember the building. He remembered the tractor in front of his door and a few other things but asked if he had lived there before. He didn't quite remember the person who's been cleaning his room for the last several years (who was sweet enough to come see him when he was in the hospital). Dad's also lost weight (11 pounds), which isn't good, and he's not as strong walking as he has been just a few days ago. Something is still wrong with his back. Nothing is broken but there's still too much pain for there to be nothing wrong. He did ask my sister in law if "this place can take care of my needs" so there is some self-recognition that he is going to need help. A good chance he'll be moved either to Assisted Living or Nursing Home in the morning. I know my brother is bothered by this, as am I; but it's the best thing for him. I need to try to call my brother back and get more info. He had to hang up when we were talking this afternoon because dad needed something. I hope to see SP tonight, but it probably won't be until tomorrow. I know I'm a mental mess at the moment. I need him but, at the same time, am afraid of letting him see me in this mental state.

The only piece of jewelry I routinely wear, other than my watch, is a silver band with a triskelion cut pink sapphire set into it. Subtle, but obvious to those who are paying attention.

Thank you. We've had some bumps, but everyone does and we've talked about them; most so far have been miscommunication. I still need to find what I'm getting him for Valentines. Don't need to worry about dinner reservations - he's taking care of those. Will place a flower order [of some form] on Monday.

More sappy romantic than sexy, but:

Been a long week. Weather has been insane and the constant shifts are taking a toll not only on my joints but on my mood -- which isn't good for a budding relationship with SP. So far he's been supportive.

We had the conversation on smoking last night. I shouldn't have been worried - things went fine. Need to remember that he isn't the bastard and isn't going to react the same way.

Today, January 27th 2020, marks the 75th Anniversary of the Liberation of Auschwitz; 1.1 million died there - Jewish, gay, Roma, and others. https://dynaimage.cdn.cnn.com/cnn/q_auto,w_634,c_fill,g_auto,h_357,ar_16:9/http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.cnn.com%2Fcnnnext%2Fdam%2Fassets%2F190614214813-auschwitz-exhibition-6-shoes.jpg

missed this completely when it came out -- one of the reasons I wish there was a more direct way of following story groups

Yep - at 50-ish I think we both have enough baggage for an international trip. However, we've both acknowledged that and have been talking through some of the larger issues. I mentioned once that cig smoke was a trigger for my asthma and he had a rather abrupt, "It's a good thing I do it outside then" response; and he mentioned the 1st [and only] time he tried vaping it nearly gave him pneumonia -- and I don't think he was using any gray-market items or anything containing THC which have been the two big culprits behind most of the lung issues associated w. vaping. So it's not just that I don't like the smell, it's that it has a rather immediate and negative impact on my health. I'm not going to tell him to stop, but I do need to tell him that his last cig of the evening is going to have to be a bit earlier than just before we get into bed.

Good news from my brother: tentative discharge date for dad from Skilled Nursing is the 31st. He'll be heading back to where he was living before; physio and home-health care will continue for awhile. We hope that his being home - back in familiar surroundings and back to his normal routine - will help some of his memory/confusion issues.

SP spent the night last night, for the second time. Slept in an odd position and my hip is killing me; his back is killing him. That's most likely because neither of us is used to sleeping next to anyone anymore. My allergies are bad and my blood pressure is sky high this morning and they were last time too. This one I'm pretty sure is because he smokes -- and has for many many years -- and bringing that up is going to be difficult. I'll probably have to tell him he'll need to go outside (he has been smoking outside) to smoke his last cig before bedtime earlier than he has been, so the smell of smoke is not as strong as when we get into bed. Things are going well between us. I worry about messing things up by saying something, but on the other hand he'd hate to wake up to me having a heart attack. Need to go into work and take care of things I wasn't able to get done this week from being out Wed. afternoon and almost all day on Thurs. due to joint pain but.... that will have to wait until the hip calms down enough for me to function.

Get to feeling better soon.

It's 20f here but should warm up some this afternoon.

At least it wasn't Cuck E Cheese - the children's casino.

SP is more concerned about loosing himself than I am. It seems he was prone to do that in his younger days. There is another passage in The Prophet that talks about avoiding true love as leading to an 'unseasoned life'; that you would avoid the lows it can bring, but also the highs. It's where the title for this post comes from, and I wish I had found it when C was so concerned about taking that final leap into a relationship:

SP and I have had several conversations, and a couple have circled back to becoming partners but maintaining our individuality. Just ran across this quote from Kahil Gibran from The Prophet [if you've never read this, do so]:

Love and support to both of you. Depression is an insidious little bastard, and effects not just those of us who have to deal with it directly.

Hope there wasn't any flooding @mollyhousemouse. I woke up [late] to a about a half-inch or so of snow on the ground. Enough to look really pretty this morning but it will all be gone by this time tomorrow and the temps are going to jump back up to their normal mid-50F range tomorrow.

Temp has dropped from 70F @ 3pm to 43F now and thunder just woke me up. Hip is not happy. Dad had got moved from the hospital to skilled nursing and the Dr is happy with his progress. Pain in his knee is caused by arthritis that's been aggravated with all the recent activity.

Allergies are better, joints are worse. Weather is crazed -- we have a Severe Thunderstorm Watch for today (temp is already at or above what should be the normal high; first Severe Thunderstorm Warning has already been issued), then about 3pm a cold front moves through that will drop temps by 20F in less than an hour. Tomorrow we have a Winter Storm Watch and could have several inches of snow (all of which will melt, because it's been way too warm the last two days). For good news, had a lovely dinner last night with SP. Just something simple but good as I still wasn't feeling my best last night, but was nice to spend some time with him.

Feel bad for Etienne ☹️ Hope he can sort out his feelings soon.

Still alive is good.

I either have cedar fever or the flu -- personally I think it's the cedar fever but the allergist (who is an idiot) thinks it's the flu. He really needs to re-run the blood tests because I don't think the first one came through correctly. It showed no reaction to resinous evergreens - like cedar - and that contradicts 50-years of life experience. Temp is back up this morning and I'm staying at home to sleep and rest. Hope you feel better soon @mollyhousemouse I can understand the reluctance to take a day off. I hate missing work even when I know I should be. Some of it I'll be able to do from home today, but not much.