9.11 - 66. Chapter 66

October 31, 2001

Escorial

We watched Wade walk out of the room, and I could not help but be proud of the young man he had become. He was grappling with so many things, yet he was managing to juggle all of those challenges very well, with one exception: Matt.

“Good luck,” Brad said, as he got up to leave.

“Before you leave, I wonder if you would allow me to make an observation,” I said.

He sat back down. “Go ahead.”

“You appear to be doing much better this week than you were last week,” I said.

“They say that time heals all wounds. A week makes a difference,” he said dismissively. I would have let it go at that, because I didn’t want to pry into his inner emotions. I didn’t like it when people did that to me, so I tried not to do that to others. What I’d tried to do here was give him an opening to talk about it if he wanted to. If he chose not to take the opportunity, as he obviously had, that was purely his choice.

Unfortunately for Brad, Stef was not so easily put off. “That is good to know, but the change is quite pronounced, and seemed to happen after you got back from New Jersey.”

Brad looked at Stef with mild annoyance, and then relented. “I went to Jeanine’s condo when I was in New Jersey. It helped me get some closure.” Both Stef and I nodded.

“That must have been very tough,” Stef said.

“It was,” he said. “I talked to my psychologist, and he said that going there seemed to finally convince me that Robbie isn’t coming back. I’d been harboring hope that he wasn’t dead, but I was able to put that behind me.”

“The way you have fought to recover from your loss is truly impressive,” I told him. With Brad, a good dose of praise to recognize his achievements was important.

He smiled at me. “Thanks,” he said, then got up and left.

Stef looked at me. “Everyone seems to be recovering from this nightmare.”

“While there is a long way for all of us still to go, I would agree with you with two notable exceptions: Matt and Frank,” I corrected.

“How can we help them?” he asked.

“I think that all we can do is offer them support and guidance when they need it,” I said. Those words sounded like a platitude, but the feeling behind them was sincere.

Stef got up, walked over and gave me a quick kiss. “If I see Matt, I will send him into you.”

“Thank you,” I said, even though I dreaded this meeting. I always preferred meetings where people sought me out over meetings where I’d summoned someone to see me.

Stef walked out of the office and closed the doors behind him, creating a quiet refuge of solitude for me to work in, or in this case, to indulge in some introspection. It was ironic that those issues, which seem so trivial at the time, can ultimately turn out to be critical if they are neglected. This situation had just that kind of potential. I hadn’t seen the danger signs when Will had demanded that Matt leave Tony alone, primarily because I didn’t really think Matt would have sex with Tony. Will and Matt had clashed before, but this conflict had the potential to be much more explosive.

Their personalities were so very different. Matt was a true alpha male, always seeking victory and bemoaning a defeat, and willing to engage in ‘battle’ with someone else to prove his superiority. He was much like a modern-day gladiator. Will was not as competitive as Matt, but was more of a free spirit, focused on being his own person. He was fiercely independent, but he grounded himself with relationships based on absolute trust. When that trust was betrayed, the relationship was damaged or destroyed more than one would typically expect. So for Matt, Will’s demand that he not sleep with Tony must have almost been a challenge, while to Will, he was merely defining the boundaries of their relationship.

A knock on the door of the study pulled me out of my ruminations, and I looked up to see Matt peering in. “You wanted to see me?”

“Come in,” I said, and got up, guiding him over to my seating area. It was more informal, conducive to a conversation.

“This is probably not the best time for us to have this conversation,” he said, the defiance clear in his voice even though his words were spoken with respect. I looked into those familiar violet-blue eyes and could see the anger smoldering within them, and that made me sigh internally. This was going to be a lot harder than I had anticipated. My mind flashed to Robbie briefly, sparking a melancholy thought, but I was remembering how to deal with him when he was like this, and Matt was no different. A kind and pleasant demeanor would not work.

“There is a good chance that by sleeping with Tony, you have created an irreparable rift with Will,” I said in a very stern way. “It is possible that rift will broaden into a schism damaging this entire family. You will understand that I am not terribly concerned about your current mood when I am facing such a calamity.” My words were cold and biting, and they hit him hard, but I knew that was the only way to get through to him.

“Maybe I should just move out,” he challenged.

“That may indeed be the best option,” I said. “It is not like you to run away from your problems, but if you feel that is something you want to do, I will not stop you.”

“I’m not running away.”

“We need to have a conversation about how to fix these problems,” I said. “If you cannot do that now, then I would request that you leave and come back when you are capable of doing so.”

“It’s not like Will owns Tony,” he snapped. “Tony is his own person. He can have sex with whoever he wants to, and so can I.”

“Do you really think that is what this is about?” I asked.

He swallowed hard. “There may be more to it than that.”

“Allow me to enlighten you as to how much more there is,” I said, in an uncharacteristically nasty way. He was sorely tempting even my patience, and it occurred to me that the annoyance I felt with him was not unlike the annoyance I’d felt with Robbie in the past.

Our eyes locked in a mental power struggle, and he finally seemed to realize the depths of my irritation with him, and I could feel him withdrawing his assholish attitude. “Okay,” he said, almost meekly.

“Some years ago, Bradley was just beginning a relationship with a young man named Jake,” I said.

“I heard about that,” he said, as if I were merely re-telling old tales.

“If you already know everything, I am wasting my time and yours,” I said.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he said.

I stood up. “What time do you think you will be able to put your self-absorption aside and discuss this topic civilly?” He said nothing. “Let me know, and I will make myself available.” I stood while he sat, and while I’m short, the difference in our statures seemed to make my words more powerful.

He looked down, his posture one of a person who was dejected, and when he looked up at me, his eyes told me that he was ready to listen. “I’m sorry. I’ll be fine now.”

“Excellent,” I said, and sat down. “As I was saying, we took a trip back to Claremont for the fourth of July. Sam was my partner, and I’m sure you recall that he is Tony’s father. He and I were having problems, but I ignored them, and allowed myself to think they were localized to just the two of us. They were not. They were impacting everyone in the family.” I got up and walked over to the small refrigerator in the room and grabbed a bottle of water for each of us.

“Thanks,” Matt said, when I handed him his.

“While we were in Claremont, Sam took it upon himself to go off into the woods with Jake and have sex with him. Bradley and Stef had chosen that time to also go for a walk in the woods, and witnessed Sam and Jake fucking.” I noticed how even now, that angered me to the point that my words were louder and more crass. “The next day, we were flying home, and Sam was berating me for leaving him to go spend time with someone else. At the time, I thought he was merely throwing an irrational tantrum, since I had not done anything beyond the bounds allowed by our relationship.”

“You were allowed to be with other people?”

“Certain people,” I qualified.

“Were you with someone else, and was that why he was mad?”

I shook my head. “I wasn’t with the other person sexually, but that wasn’t what really bothered Sam. He was bothered by the fact that I wasn’t with him. I wasn’t with him emotionally. I was detached.”

“I don’t get it.”

“We had grown distant, and I had blown him off, spending my time and energies on other things, like my career, or other people. Even platonic attention directed elsewhere was, to him, attention I was taking from him.”

“He sounds pretty demanding,” Matt noted.

“He was, and it had gotten worse, because the more obnoxious he would get about me ignoring him, the more I would ignore him,” I said. “While there were other issues, that was the thing that doomed our relationship.”

“The fact that you didn’t pay attention to him?”

“No, the fact that neither one of us was putting any effort into our relationship. It was like a house that is never maintained. Ultimately the weather and various other forces will wear it down and destroy it.”

“Wade told me that he quit the hockey team,” he said morosely. “That was one of the bonds we had, one of the things we did together.”

“It sounds like you have ignored his needs to the point that he is now ignoring what you need, and is planning to make use of his time spent on the ice to find some sort of solace elsewhere.”

“You think he’s with someone else?” he asked outraged.

I stared at him, challenging the complete hypocrisy that question exposed. “Attention is not always sexual. But it looks to me, at least from where I am sitting, that he is reaching out to you in this traumatic time, and you have turned your back on him and sought comfort in the arms of others. You are an idiot if you think he will tolerate that for long, and that he will not ultimately find someone to fill the emotional void you have left.”

He stared at me, as clarity seemed to flow through his veins as if it had been injected with a needle. “You think I’m losing him?”

“Yes,” I said simply. “But it is worse than that.”

“There’s nothing worse than that,” he said.

“If you lose Wade, and the rest of your family, that is worse,” I said.

“You all hate me?” he asked, truly horrified.

“If I hated you, I would not be having this conversation with you, and I would not be exposing my own unpleasant memories to you,” I said sincerely. I paused, to let him bring his mind back under control. “When we were in the plane on our return from Claremont, Brad called Sam on his own hypocrisy, on how Sam was accusing me of being unfaithful when it was Sam who was in the woods fucking Jake.”

Matt gave me a wry smile. “I bet that went over well.”

I smiled back. “It did not. I can still remember Bradley’s words. He was so angry, and so outraged. He asked if Sam was going to try and fuck every guy he brought home, and said he wasn’t willing to put up with that. He said it was completely unreasonable. That was when I realized how much my problems with Sam and our relationship had impacted my family. I’d thought they were isolated, but they were not. And Bradley, in the less-than-subtle way that he has, demanded that his home be a safe haven, where he didn’t have to worry about Sam hitting on men he brought home.”

“Was Brad really into Jake?” he asked.

“My understanding was that their relationship was in the initial stages, and since he’d just met Robbie in Claremont that weekend, I think his romantic mind had already moved on. But that was not his point. His point was that he should be able to feel comfortable bringing boyfriends home, and not worry about them being picked off by his relatives.”

“I didn’t do that with Tony,” he asserted.

I raised an eyebrow to challenge him, and then went on. “Sam was cornered by Brad’s words, and tried to intimidate him physically, but Brad stood firm. Sam was big and very strong, so that was brave of Brad, but he knew that his brothers would back him up, and they did.” He nodded. “But the coup de gras for all of us was when Isidore jumped in to defend Brad. She agreed with him completely. And that was the point when I knew that my relationship with Sam was truly over.”

“I can see some similarities between our situations, but they’re not the same,” Matt objected.

“They are not completely similar, that is true, but let us not lose sight of the basic issues, which are remarkably identical,” I said in my caustic tone, unwilling to put up with Matt’s avoidance of the core issue. “You knew that Will was involved with Tony, and that he was important to Will. Will told you in no uncertain terms that he expected you not to sleep with Tony.”

“Since he came out, Tony’s been sleeping with all kinds of guys,” he said.

“Has he slept with Darius? Has he slept with JJ?” I challenged. “Has he slept with Wade?”

“No,” Matt said.

“You said that Tony sleeps with everyone else on campus…” I began.

“I didn’t say he slept with everyone…” Matt argued.

“Do not mince words with me,” I snapped. “Your implication is that he sleeping with you is no different than sleeping with other men on campus. That means that you are no different to Will than the average Stanford student.”

“That’s not what it was like,” he said.

“Will demanded that you not sleep with Tony, and you were irritated because you didn’t think he had the right to tell you who you could and could not sleep with. That is not what this was about. Will was challenging you to act like the brother you’re supposed to be, and you failed. So now he will see you as just another person, and will treat you accordingly. To him, you have forfeited your place as a member of his family. While the rest of us do not think that, he does.”

“He said that to you?” Matt asked, stunned.

“He did not have to. I know him, and know how he thinks,” I said. “You have not gotten along that well with Will, and you two have had your clashes, so I am assuming that news that he has disowned you has not overly upset you.”

“That’s not true!” Matt objected.

“The facts suggest otherwise,” I said coldly. “But just as I had assumed my conflict with Sam was isolated and it was not, so too is your issue with Will. What happens when he stands up at dinner tonight and says he is uncomfortable living here because he is concerned that if he brings a new guy home, you will fuck him? What am I supposed to say to that?”

“Maybe you’re right,” he sulked. “Maybe I shouldn’t be here.”

“I never said that, and you are taking the easy way out, the coward’s way out,” I spat, then paused to get my anger under control. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but of all of us, Frank is having the toughest time grappling with the loss of Robbie. It is only you and Isidore who are keeping him afloat. You would abandon him?”

“No, but…”

I cut him off. “So when Will raises that issue, and throws down that ultimatum to me, who will defend you? I think it will be much like it was on the plane, where Bradley’s brothers rallied for him. Darius will be firmly behind Will. JJ loves you, and you are very important to him, so he will be conflicted. He will be torn between the two of you. That conflict will hurt him, and he is already wounded. It is unlikely that Isidore has changed her views, and even if she has, Bradley has not, and he will certainly give her clarity. So I will be faced with one of my grandsons demanding your banishment, and he will be backed up by everyone but Frank and possibly JJ. If I seem angry to you, it is because I am, because I am facing a major divide in my family, not just a rift between you and Will, all because you cannot keep your dick in your pants.”

He stared at me, stunned at how big a deal this was, and how that had escaped him completely. “I have fucked everything up.”

“I agree,” I said, unwilling to relent. His ego defenses were so high, that any inch I gave him, he’d use to escape the reality of his situation. “And you have put me in the situation of having to choose between two people I love, with major damage no matter which decision I make.”

“You have to back Will up,” he said morosely.

“I can make my own decisions, thank you very much,” I said with considerable animosity. “My question is what are you going to do about it?”

“It?” he asked.

“You have destroyed a relationship with one of your brothers, and damaged your bond with the others. While it is not my place to evaluate your relationship, I cannot help but think that if Wade quit the hockey team, he is relatively close to making significant changes in your status as a couple. How are you going to fix it?”

“I don’t know,” he said, and put his head in his hands. When he finally looked up from them, there were tears pouring down his face. “I miss him so much.” We both knew he was referring to Robbie.

“So you would push everyone else away, so you lose them too?”

He put his head back in his hands for a bit, but then looked up at me with a new resolve. “What do I do to fix things? Will you help me?”

And now he was where he needed to be, where I needed him to be. “Of course I will help you,” I said.

A soft knock at the door interrupted our conversation, and it was followed by Stef’s entry into the room. “I am sorry to interrupt, but it is almost time for dinner.”

“Thank you,” I said to him, and then turned back to Matt. “You have refused to go see a counselor since the attacks on 9-11. That is a mistake, one you must fix immediately.”

Stef smiled and walked over to Matt. “I have taken the liberty of arranging that for you.” He handed Matt a card with appointment information written on it. “You are scheduled with Dr. Sizemore tomorrow at 2:00.”

“But I have practice,” Matt whined. Stef and I both cringed, but I’d like to think I did a better job of hiding it. Whining was Robbie’s least attractive habit, and it was no more endearing when Matt did it.

“If that is more important, then you should do that,” I said.

“No,” he said, getting it.

“I am sure he will give you some concrete guidance on how to proceed. In the intervening nineteen hours, I would recommend that you attempt to at least begin repairing your relationships with Will and Wade,” I said.

He nodded and stood up. “Thanks for being so candid with me, JP. I get it now.”

“It was not an easy conversation, but you are well worth the effort,” I said, smiling at him. He took two steps forward and enveloped me in a big hug. I could feel his pain, his emotional anguish, as he did, and feel his tears wetting my shoulder. I could see Stef beyond him, shaking his head at the chaos Matt had brought upon his life. I hugged him back strongly, forcing myself to show affection in this physical way that was so important to so many members of my family.

He separated himself from me and made to leave but I stopped him. “There’s something else?” he asked nervously.

“I have been very vexed with you, and I have been disappointed in you, but I never stopped loving you,” I said. That brought on another hug, and more tears, but if I helped him, all these emotional outbursts were a small price to pay.

“I love you too, JP,” he said. “Thanks for the wake-up call.” I smiled at him, my only response, and watched as he walked out of my office, his posture not as cocky, but with a sense of resolve.

“You have not lost your touch with men,” Stef said.

“Neither have you,” I said. I took his hand, and escorted him toward the dining room. “This has the makings of a more memorable dinner.”

“It will be exciting. I hate to be bored,” Stef said. He was so good for me, such a good partner, but it had not been an easy trek for us to fit into those roles.

We walked into the dining room to find everyone else arriving and taking their seats. As was customary, I sat at one end of the table, while Isidore sat at the other. Arrayed to my left were Brad, Will, Wade, and Tiffany; while on my right sat Stef, Darius, JJ, Matt and Frank. “Happy Halloween,” I said as I sat down. The staff brought out the food, a relatively simple dinner for this holiday, then left us.

“I am disappointed to find none of you in costume,” Stef said. “I was hoping for scantily-clad gladiators, or perhaps superheroes wearing skin-tight costumes.”

“I can go change into something like that if you like,” Isidore said, making us chuckle.

“We’ll change after dinner,” Wade augmented. “What are you doing tonight?” He directed that question to Darius and JJ.

“I’m going to a party in Saratoga,” Darius said.

“I’m staying in,” JJ said. He acted like that’s what he wanted to do, but it was obvious that he was bored.

“No you’re not,” Will said. “You’re going with me, John, and Marie.”

“I am?” JJ challenged.

“You are,” Will asserted, but with a smile. “It’s not a costume party, so you can just go like you are.”

“Fine,” he said.

“I was going to the A-Ho party,” Matt said to Wade.

“Maybe I’ll see you there,” Wade answered curtly. His manner was abrupt enough to stop conversation, until Will changed the topic.

“I’m sorry I’ll miss your games this weekend,” Will said to Wade.

“I’m not playing,” Wade said simply. “I left the team.”

Everyone but Matt and I were shocked by that bombshell. “You’re not on the team?” Will asked him, expressing their collective surprise.

“I’m not,” he said. “I have enough on my plate, and I have to spend time applying to law school. Something had to give, and that was the thing that was the least important to me.” His eyes flashed to Matt when he said that, and the implication was that the lack of importance he attached to the game was synonymous with the lack of importance he was showing Matt.

Matt sighed, put down his fork and knife, and focused on Will, surprisingly enough. “I’m sorry that I slept with Tony. I didn’t understand why that was such a big deal to you, but I do now.” Those at the table who hadn’t known he’d done that looked amazed, and a bit nervous.

With most people, an apology like that directed toward Will would find a welcome reception, but this was a much bigger deal to him. Will didn’t say anything for a minute, while he finished chewing his food and presumably collected his thoughts. “You don’t like me, and I don’t like you. To me, the only reason you’re here is because you’re Wade’s boyfriend, until you manage to screw that up too. So as long as you stay out of my way, we’ll be just fine. But you do this again, you sleep with a guy I’m into, and it’s going to be ugly. Are we clear?” His tone had been cold, even, and unrelenting.

“That’s not true,” Matt objected.

“Well yeah, as a matter of fact, all of it is true,” Will said in a snarky way. “So it’s done.” Darius and JJ looked at Will then at each other, somewhat shocked because they’d expected a much bigger explosion from him, then Darius shrugged and they resumed eating. Matt got that he wasn’t going to make any more progress with Will at dinner, so he dropped the subject. Both he and Will had done what we’d asked them to. They’d backed down from this explosive situation, in the interest of family harmony, and seemingly agreed to just dislike each other. It wasn’t a satisfactory solution, but it was a satisfactory beginning.

I smiled at Stef, because I could read his mind, and he was almost disappointed at how anti-climactic the whole thing had been. He liked a little drama in his life. We had all just relaxed, settling into a casual dinner, when I heard a knife and fork clatter next to me. I looked up in time to see Brad, his eyes on fire, stare down the table at Frank.

“I could use a little help here,” Brad spat, looking squarely at Frank.

We were all completely surprised by that. I really didn’t expect Brad to be upset enough to lash out at anyone, and if he did, I would have expected it to have been at Matt. Everyone stopped eating and looked at Brad, then at Frank. “What?” Frank asked, confused. His eyes were dull, as he had that vacuous look that had permeated him since Robbie died.

“You shuffle around here, moping and pouting, while your family disintegrates around you. Isn’t it about time you showed some backbone?”

“I’m doing the best I can,” Frank growled. It was fascinating to see his eyes spark up a bit.

“Well your best isn’t very good. In fact, it’s not worth a damn,” Brad snapped. “So step up to the plate.”

“You’ve never lost a son,” Frank said, his voice full of anger and sadness. “You have no idea what this is like.”

“That’s a crock of shit,” Brad said, getting very close to my volume limit. It was funny that he instinctively knew that, and gave me a quick glance to assure me he would try to keep his voice under control. “You’re not the only one hurting. Everyone at this table is struggling to deal with losing people they loved. Don’t give me that crap where you try to tell me that your pain is bigger than ours. Don’t even try to tell me you have a corner on that market.”

“It is not easy for any of us,” Isidore said, trying to settle things down, and also trying to deflect Brad’s attack on Frank. It was a wasted effort.

“I have three sons who are doing one hell of a job in dealing with the loss of their mother, her partner, and one of their fathers. I watch how they’re handling this, and I’m filled with pride in them and their strength,” Brad said. “Have you helped them out at all? Have you reached out to them?”

“He would if we asked him to,” Darius said. Brad largely ignored him and continued on with his rant.

“I have a stepson who is careening out of control, and will listen to no one, not even his partner. You lean on him for support, but do you do anything to help him out?” Brad demanded. “You just going to watch him spiral off into the abyss?”

“Brad…” Isidore intervened, even as she looked at Frank in a worried way.

“And I have to step in to take care of your nephew and his wife, who don’t have a clue about the importance of a good education and what it takes and costs to get it, while you sit there on your ass whining about your loss!” Brad stood up and leaned into the table, toward Frank. “I have enough on my plate without doing your job too! It’s time for you to do some of the heavy lifting around here!”

That last gesture had crossed my line of decorum, so I cleared my throat, and that seemed to induce Brad to sit in his chair and calm down. But of all the surprises tonight, none of them were as shocking as Frank’s response. “What do you want me to do?” He asked that in a crisp, clear voice, like a man ready for action. It was as if his fog had cleared.

“I want you to help him,” Brad said, pointing at Matt, “to pull his head out of his ass, and teach him how to be a good partner and a good brother. And I want you to take over dealing with Wally and Clara before I have them kidnapped and shipped off to Siberia.” It was very difficult not to laugh at his last sentence. Brad had been the picture of courtesy in dealing with Wally and Clara, so it was funny to see how much they’d really annoyed him.

“Siberia?” Darius asked, and that made Will and JJ snicker.

“Yes,” Brad said. “I don’t go there. They’d be out of my way.” We all chuckled at that, appreciating the comic relief. But Frank wasn’t laughing, he was thinking, and when he was done, he took the floor.

“I’ll help you out, but you could have been nicer about it,” he said to Brad in his gruff way. Brad gave him a smarmy sideways nod to acknowledge that he was probably right, and then Frank turned to Matt. “I’m going to tell you how to fix your life, the one you’ve fucked up so badly.”

“Okay,” Matt said nervously.

“One, you quit the goddamn hockey team like Wade did. You’re not nineteen anymore, so quit acting like a college freshman. Being on that team does nothing but make you an asshole. It makes you think you’re hot stuff, and it fuels you to go out and sleep with anyone you can. You’re a man. Act like one. Your success is not measured in how many goals you score, or how many people you bed. It’s scored in how well you treat your partner and your family, and how you contribute to society. It’s time for you to grow up.” Frank’s eyes were steely, showing the same resolve I had. The rest of us were completely stunned by Frank’s newfound strength, and by his words.

“The team needs me,” Matt said feebly.

“Bullshit. They won’t have you around next year anyway. Time for them to figure things out now. It’s a club hockey team, for Christ’s sake. You’re going to trade everything for that? Are you?”

“No,” Matt said sheepishly.

“Men in our family have a problem with fidelity. It takes a lot of willpower to curb our wanderlust. In my case, that, combined with the right woman, was enough.” Frank gave Isidore a loving look as he said that. He pointed his finger at Matt for emphasis. “Quit being a slut. You need to grovel to Wade, and convince him you’re still worth having, then you need to sleep with him, and that’s it. Period. No more of this banging sophomores at parties. It’s done. Show that you can make a promise and a commitment and stick to it. Show that you can be a man. And if he’s not enough to make you happy, then have the decency to tell him, so he can find someone who can be a good partner.”

“That’s not it…” Matt objected. Frank ignored him.

“And you have three brothers, but you don’t treat them that way. You and I are going to spend some time on that, and you’re going to learn what that means. And in the end, that one,” he said, pointing at Will, “is going to appreciate that you are a good brother, and respect you as much as he does Darius.”

No one said anything; we all just stared at him, and then looked at each other.

“Thank you,” Brad said to Frank, and then we all finished our dinner.