Finding Alex - 13. Chapter 13

Sacha lay, staring at the ceiling. It was the same ceiling he’d been staring at for over a week, and it was no more interesting than it ever had been. The benefit of looking at the ceiling was that he was able to let his mind go completely blank. He liked it when his mind was blank and he was managing it more and more with every passing day.

In the week since James returned things had gone downhill sharply for Sacha. At first, it hadn’t been too bad but once James got in his stride, he found more and more little ways to torture him. James flaunted the photograph at every opportunity and kept reminding him that if he showed it to Frank Sacha would be lucky to escape without a beating and would certainly be thrown out on his ear. Maybe he should have checked that with Lacey but he’d been ordered not to speak to her and Sacha was nothing if not obedient.

It’s not as if Lacey hadn’t tried to talk to him. She’d spend hours trying to draw him out. Indeed, the only bright spots in the whole week were when he’d been with Lacey, and then with Luke too. He’d pretty much learned to swim after practicing every day and had been out on a horse once or twice. He wasn’t sure if he liked that. It was an awfully long way up, with an awfully long way to fall if the horse bucked. Although Lacey had assured him the best was yet to come and there was no feeling like flying across the countryside on the back of a horse, he hadn’t worked his way up to anything beyond a light canter, which scared him, so the jury was out on that one.

More than once, he’d stood on the edge of the balcony and wondered what it would feel like to take that extra step. More than once, he’d dreamed about flying. Sometimes on the back of a horse, but mostly on a long, long, long drop with nothing at the end but oblivion.

He’d never do it, of course. He was afraid of living, but even more afraid of dying, otherwise he’d have done it years ago. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t wanted to. He’d prayed for it sometimes, but he didn’t have the courage to do anything about it. It was easier just to lie here and practice being blank. He’d had a head start, after all. Quite often, when he was being abused in one way or another, he’d take himself out of the situation and find a place inside his head where he could lock himself away and be safe. That’s why he could stand so much punishment. Sometimes he’d stayed there for days if it hurt too much afterwards.

Once, he almost hadn’t come back. He’d been hurt so bad and been ill for so long it had been hard to ground himself, to communicate, to interact, to feel. He wished he could find that state again, and he would have if not for Lacey continually pulling him back. Didn’t she realise how miserable she was making him?

Sacha rarely left his room now. He was too afraid of bumping into James. It sometimes felt as if James waited for him at the bottom of the steps and followed him around. He always seemed to appear just when Sacha started to relax, with more demands, taunts and threats. If he could have sat here with the door locked the whole time he would have.

The psychiatrist had called to see him twice and he’d done his best to be as open and co operative as possible. They’d talked mostly about the sex and he really was beginning to see where he was going wrong. The psychiatrist said that the thing causing the problem was his lack of self respect; that he was still seeing himself as less than a person, more of a belonging, to be used by others. She was dead right there. The difficulty was – how was he going to stop feeling like property when he was still being used. Not in the same way, maybe, but he belonged to James now, of that there was no doubt and James kept reminding him of it in so many ways. Sacha was under no illusions that he would ever be free. There would always be a master and he would always be a slave and it didn’t matter what anyone said about ‘owning himself’, that was never going to be allowed to happen.

The doctor had never asked about James, or about why he hated leaving his room, or about why he was drifting further and further away from all that was real, so he’d never talked about it. He talked about things he could understand, like learning to swim and ride, recognising he had problems with boundaries, self image, self respect…all the self things. He could acknowledge it, discuss it, even understand it; he just couldn’t change it.

Lacey had tried hard to help, but he didn’t want to be helped. The more brightness she brought into his life, the harder it was to cope with the darkness, so he wanted to be left alone in the dark, sinking further and further into its peace.

He was actually feeling quite peaceful now, and let his eyes drift closed. They opened again when he heard the door open. He’d never got the hang of locking it and, besides, James had forbidden him to. Lacey always knocked, so knew it was James and shivered.

“Where are you, whore?”

Sacha sighed and so badly wanted to curl up under the blankets and hide. There was no point, though. James would find him. He always did. So, wearily, he dragged himself out of bed and padded over to the bedroom door. As he reached for the handle, the door flew open, almost knocking him off his feet.

“There you are. You really are a lazy little slut aren’t you? You’re always in bed.”

Sacha bit back the urge to apologise. “What do you want?”

“A bit more respect for a start,” James snapped and Sacha sighed. “I’ve got friends coming tonight. I’m going to bring them up here. I want you ready by six wearing your fancy stuff.”

“No. I’m not wearing that in front of your friends.”

“You’ll do what you’re told or you’ll be wearing it in front of Dad and he’ll be dropping you outside the gates in it.”

It was on the tip of Sacha’s tongue to say go ahead and tell him. He couldn’t really see how things could get much worse, and part of him suspected Frank wouldn’t throw him out anyway, but there was, as he’d discovered, a definite edge to Frank. It had never been directed at him, but he’d seen enough to make him wonder, and he didn’t want to find himself homeless right, not with Ryland still after him.

“Okay. Whatever you say. I’ll be ready at six.”

“There’s a good little slave. Make sure you look nice. My friends can’t wait to meet you.”

There was something about the way he said it that made Sacha’s heart flutter with fear. He was going be in for a long, bad night. He had a feeling James’ friends would be just like him and they wouldn’t be family. Sacha’s breath hitched and he bit his lip hard, trying to stop the scalding tears spilling from his burning eyes. He felt as if someone was tying his guts into knots. For a moment, he actually thought he was going to faint.

“What’s the matter?”

“N…nothing. I’ll be ready, James. Please go.”

“Sacha?”

Caught off guard by a surprising gentleness in James’ voice, Sacha looked up, to find James looking at him with a strange expression on his face. “What?”

“You don’t really think…? Hell, Sacha, you look awful. I didn’t mean…. I’m not a monster, Hell, we’re fifteen year old boys, Sacha, and none of us are gay. Well… Bucky might be but he’s not out so he’s not about to do anything gay in front of us. No one’s going to touch you. Did you really think we were going to…? Hell, why wouldn’t you? Look…we’re not, okay. We’re going to take the piss out of your clothes, maybe order you around a bit. I promised my friends a show but no one’s going to hurt you.”

Sacha bit his lip harder, unsure what to believe. James was so cruel, so spiteful, so hurtful. Was this just another mean trick? He looked sincere, but Sacha just couldn’t trust him. “Okay,” he said.

James stared at him for a while, then shook his head and turned away. Before he reached the door, he turned back again. “I don’t want to hurt you, Sacha, not really. I hate you, of course, but I…. I didn’t mean to make you look like…that. I won’t hurt you. Promise.”

When James had gone, Sacha slid down the wall, all strength in his legs gone. What was going on? He felt like he was spinning out of control. He didn’t know what to believe, what to do. He barely knew what was real anymore. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he hadn’t eaten a meal in a week. He’d been living off the odd snack here and there. On the rare occasions he went down to eat with the rest of the family, the food tasted like cardboard and made him choke. He couldn’t wait to get away.

Letting his head fall forward on his knees, Sacha hugged himself and rocked. He didn’t cry. There were no tears. He was too empty for tears.

At six o’clock Sacha sat on his bed, staring blankly at the wall. He was dressed in the black corset and seamed stockings, with the babydoll over the top. Although it didn’t hide much the babydoll was an extra layer of clothing and made him feel a shade less exposed and vulnerable. He’d showered and dressed automatically, and sat in front of the mirror for fifteen minutes, brushing his hair, without seeing his reflection. He didn’t want to see himself. He couldn’t bear to acknowledge what he saw.

For once, James knocked and Sacha got to his feet, his mind tightly locked. At least for now, he’d managed to find the safe place and had no intention of coming out for the rest of the night. Holding himself erect, Sacha stalked to the door in a cloud of perfume. His hair, carefully straightened and brushed until it gleamed like a sheet of molten metal, was a comforting weight on his shoulders.

There were five of them, including James. Sacha got an impression of expensive clothes, sharp cologne and size. The other four boys were all taller than James and so, of course, towered over Sacha. He refused to look at their faces but he could tell that at least one of them was built like the side of a barn.

“Bloody hell, James, you weren’t kidding were you? What the hell is it?”

“My brother. Just like I said. Pretty isn’t he? A pretty little whore.”

Sacha shot a look at James. His voice was as hard and cold as ever, as was his face, but there was a softness in his eyes that hadn’t been there before…wasn’t there?

“Oh boy yeah. Pretty as hell. Are you sure he’s not a girl? Come here, pretty boy, let’s take a look; check out your credentials.”

Before he could say or do anything, Sacha was grabbed around the waist and pulled into a crushing embrace. The boy was huge, a good six inches taller and three times as wide. His chest bulged with muscles and his hand, tangled in Sacha’s hair was as big as his head. The hand yanked his head back and a hot mouth crushed his as the other big hand groped between them. Sacha switched off. He should have known James was full of shit.

Closing his eyes, Sacha fell into the pit.

Other hands grabbed him and dragged them apart. He turned into the new embrace and waited. The new person didn’t manhandle him, or grope him, or yank his head back by the hair. All he did was hold him gently by the upper arms.

“Are you alright? Sacha isn’t it? Are you okay, Sacha?”

Surprised, Sacha hazarded a look and found himself looking into large, soft grey eyes. He blinked.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.” The word didn’t come out, so Sacha swallowed, licked his lips and tried again. “Yes.”

The boy nodded, then raised his eyes. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? He’s a person, not a possession. What were you planning? To pass him around like a blow up doll? Look at him. Look at him James; he’s a mess.”

As he spoke, the boy gently turned Sacha, so he was looking at James. He didn’t like the expression on James’ face, so he turned his face away. The kind boy, who was now behind him, wrapped his arms around him and held him gently.

“Don’t blow a gasket, Bucky, it was only a laugh.”

“Do you see him laughing? Do you see me laughing?”

“No.” James looked shamefaced.

“For God’s sake loosen up, Bucky. Don’t burst a blood vessel over that.”

“Sacha is not a ‘that’ not a thing. He’s a person you arseholes.” Bucky turned to Sacha again. “Go put some clothes on, then come back out. It’s okay.”

Sacha looked at James, who nodded briefly, then turned away. Ignoring the catcalls, Sacha fled to the bedroom and kicked off his shoes. He tore off the babydoll, suspender and stockings, then pulled on a pair of jeans and t-shirt, keeping on the panties, just because they felt nice.

When he was dressed, Sacha sat on the bed. Part of him wanted to go back out there, and part of him wanted to crawl under the bedding and stay there. A gentle tap on the door made him jump.

“Are you alright in there?”

“Yes.” Sacha realized almost immediately there was no way anyone would have heard him. He swallowed and tried again. “Come in.” His voice still wobbled but at least it was loud enough to be heard.

The door cracked open, the opened wider and someone slipped inside. At first, Sacha’s heart jumped. The thought of being trapped alone in his room by that huge boy terrified him. However, he quickly calmed when he realized it was the other boy, the one who had been nice to him.

“I’m sorry about what happened. They’re not usually so horrible. They get carried away sometimes. They’re kids, you know.”

“Th…they are?”

“May I sit down?”

“Y…yes.” Sacha drew up his legs, making room for the boy to sit down.

“My name’s Nikolas, Nik to my friends.”

“I…I thought they said it was…Bucky?”

Nik smiled. “It’s a nickname. My surname is Buckingham. Nikolas Buckingham.”

“Oh.”

“Ordinarily. I wouldn’t have been involved in something like this for the world but, from the way they were talking, I thought it would be better to have someone older, and rather more sensible along. They really are good kids. They just don’t understand.”

“And you do?”

“No, not really. How could I? But I do understand that you…that no one deserves to be treated like that. Besides, you seem nice.”

“How do you know? You haven’t even spoken to me.” Despite the situation, Sacha found a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. There was something about Nikolas Buckingham he liked.

“I don’t need to talk to you. I can tell everything I need to know by looking in your eyes. Besides, Lacey called me and enthused about you for half an hour, so I already feel I know you quite well.”

“Lacey? Called you? About me?”

“She was worried about you, and she thought James might be part of the problem. She asked me to keep an eye on things as far as I could, so when James came up with this ridiculous plan, I went along with it so I could stop it getting out of hand. I didn’t realize it had already got out of hand before we even got here.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, Sacha, it’s not okay. It’s never okay to treat someone like that.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Of course you do. You were almost in tears, and James is your brother. He’s bigger and stronger than you and he should be protecting you from things like this. Okay, you’re older but you’ve been through hell these last years and you deserve some taking care of. Lacey’s worried sick about you.”

“She is?”

“Yes, she is. She really cares for you, Sacha.”

“I…. I really care for her, too. Can I tell you a secret?”

Nik looked taken aback. “Um… I suppose.”

“Sometimes I pretend she’s my mother.”

Nik laughed, then sobered when he saw how serious Sacha was. “I think, after she gets over the shock, Lacey will be very honoured you feel that way.”

“She will?”

“Yes. I think you should talk to her.”

“About what?”

“About whatever James has been doing to you.”

Panic fluttered. “I…. I can’t. I can’t talk to her.”

“Why not?”

“James told me not to.”

Nik looked stunned. “You don’t have to do what James says.”

“Yes…yes I do. He has a photograph.” Sasha swallowed hard and bowed his head, hiding his face behind his hair.

“A photograph?” Nik prompted gently. “A photograph of what?”

“Of me,” Sacha whispered. “dressed like…like I was…tonight.”

“Okay. What did he say he was going to do with it?”

“Show it to Frank. He said…. He said Frank would beat me and throw me out. I…don’t mind the beating so much. I’m used to that, but I’m scared about being out there alone. He…I mean the man…my…Him. He’s waiting for me. I know he is. He tried to kill me once and he won’t stop. If…if Frank sends me away he’s going to get me. I know he will.”

Sacha had no idea why he was saying these things to Nik. He knew he shouldn’t. He was probably going to get into all kinds of trouble, but there was just something about Nik that made him easy to talk to, and it all just came tumbling out in a rush.

For a long moment, Nik was silent, and Sacha panicked. “Please, don’t tell him. Don’t tell Frank. Don’t tell Lacey. Oh God, don’t tell James.” Realizing what he’d done, Sacha hugged himself harder and rocked, tears of shame and terror rolling down his face. He moaned.

“It’s alright, Sacha. Nothing bad’s going to happen, I promise. I’ll make sure no one hurts you. I don’t believe for a single moment that Frank will throw you out, but if he does you won’t be out there alone, I swear it. You can come stay with me.” Nik smiled. “That is if Lacey doesn’t snatch you away first. Have you thought of that, Sacha? Lacey and Luke have their own place. If Frank threw you out of here do you really think she’d see you on the street?”

Sacha’s head was reeling. Could it be true? Would Lacey take him in if he had nowhere else to go? Would Nik. He was so confused. He felt sick. Who could he trust? He moaned again.

“They’ve done a real number on you haven’t they?” Nik said quietly. “I can see what Lacey’s worried about. Don’t be afraid, little one, please. I’m going to fix this. I’m going to make it right. I promise.”

“Why?”

“What?” Nikolas looked taken aback.

“Why are you doing this? Why do you care?”

“A lot of reasons. For one thing, Lacey is a good friend of mine and she’s very worried about you. I’d help you just because of that.” Sacha returned the smile he gave, and wiped his nose on the back of his hand. “The biggest reason though, now I’ve met you, is because I couldn’t sleep thinking that anything was putting that look on your face again.”

“What look?”

“The one you had when we came in. You looked dead on the inside. Resigned. Hopeless. No one should feel like that. No one. Not ever. And if I can do something about it, I damn well will.”

Sacha’s smile widened. “Thank you. I…like you.”

Nik looked slightly shocked. “Um…thank you. I like you too, Sacha. I’m looking forward to getting to know you. I hope one day we’ll be good friends.”

“Me too.”

“Do you want to back out there? I’ll look after you?”

“No,” Sacha said quickly. “Oh. Do I have to?”

“No. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“Thanks, I—”

“Is everything okay?”

Sacha jumped at the sound of James’ voice.

“Fine,” Nik said coldly. “Sacha and I are just getting to know each other. He told me you have a photograph.”

“Um…yeah.”

“Give me your phone.”

“Aw, come on Bucky. It was only a laugh.”

“I’m not laughing. Give me your phone.”

“I’m sorry I invited you in the first place.”

“You didn’t. I invited myself.”

Even as he was grumbling, James was fishing out his phone and he handed it to Nik with bad grace. Nik studied it for a while, did something, then handed it back to James, who scowled at him and at Sacha.

“You do realize that what you were doing is illegal right?”

“What?”

“It’s called blackmail, James, and it’s illegal.”

“It wasn’t blackmail. It was just….”

“A cruel joke.”

James dropped his head. “We’re going downstairs.”

“Good. Go find Lacey and send her up.”

“What did your last slave die of?”

“Disobeying me. Go get Lacey.”

Practically growling, James turned on his heel and stormed out, slamming the door.