Cards on the Table - 16. Chapter 16 House of Cards

Chapter 16

Was it a stare or a glare? Michael wasn’t sure, never having met the man, but it was formidable nonetheless, and he met it unflinchingly. This was the man who had hurt Kendall many times over, and as such, raised an ire within that caught even him by surprise. The look he returned to the tall, broad-shouldered man wasn’t hostile, but there was a hint of a challenge in it. It was Carson Dooley who looked away first, before he turned back into the kitchen.

The sound of running water disrupted the connection mother and son were enjoying as Agnes realized her husband was awake and up. “That’s your father. Don’t you let him run you out of here. This is your home and this is where you belong. You and Michael are welcome here as long as you want. Please don’t forget that.”

“I’ll give it a try, but I won’t take his crap.”

“I don’t expect you to, honey. We are done with that in this house.” That statement, said with conviction, took Kendall by surprise. Glancing at Michael and seeing the love and concern on his face filled him with something he had seldom, if ever, felt before under this roof… a determined strength.

“Kendall, you wanted to come see your sick father, so come see me,” Carson Dooley said from the kitchen. It wasn’t the booming voice he remembered, but there was still considerable power in it.

“There’s someone I want you to meet first.” Kendall stood beside Michael and reached for his hand, relishing the confidence the simple gesture gave him.

His father appeared at the kitchen doorway again. “I don’t need to meet him. I know who he is. I heard what you told your mother. Meet me in the den.” He took in the sight of their joined hands quickly before turning away.

“No.”

“No? I said meet me in the den. You’re the one who wanted to come here. Still having trouble doing as you’re told?”

Kendall burst out laughing at that. “Seriously. You’re still trying to order me around?" He uttered another scoff. "I’m not your whipping boy anymore. I came here to visit my sick father, but I'm not going to do this with you. Come on, Michael. Let's get you up and we’ll get going to the hotel. I’m sorry, Mom... I was willing to try, but he’s still the same jackass he's always been.” Beneath the calm, put-on facade, it wasn't hard to see he was distraught.

“You wait one minute, Kendall. Carson, get out here... right now!”

Kendall would never have imagined his mother capable of the tone of voice he was hearing. It dripped with anger and disgust, and something that could have been hate.

“Carson! I’m not going to ask you again. If you cause my son to leave this house, I’ll leave too!”

Carson Dooley walked out of the kitchen towards his wife, looking for all the world like he had been hit with a sledgehammer. “What the hell has gotten into you, Agnes? You’re my wife, for God’s sake. Don’t be so foolish, woman. It's Kendall's choice, not mine."

Agnes Dooley stared her husband coldly in the eye. “Do not call me woman and don’t you dare call me foolish for wanting my son back in my life. You drove him away and if you do it again, I’m gone! Sick or not, I will not stay here with someone who could repeat such a thing.”

Both Carson and Kendall appeared dumbfounded as Michael stood at his partner’s side lending his one-legged support. Without thinking, Kendall reached over to the wall for his crutches, and handed them to Michael, not taking his eyes off his parents the entire time.

“What do you want from me, Agnes?” Carson asked with eyes wide.

“I want you to fix what you should have fixed long ago. This is the first time we have seen our son in almost three years and he’s ready to leave... and I won’t have it. The last time he visited you made his life miserable, and he couldn’t wait to get away from us, his own parents. You’re a fool, Carson. Don’t tell me you don’t miss him in our lives because I know you do. You’re just as miserable as I am.”

Tears were running down her face with no spaces in between. Kendall reached for his mother’s hand as he watched her struggling to hold herself together. He felt her take a deep breath.

“Now for starters you shake this man’s hand and welcome him to our home. If you don’t do that, Kendall’s going to leave, and if that happens, so am I.” A determined look accompanied the explicit demand.

They all watched the inner struggle going on inside a man not used to being chastised. Any other time it would be fascinating to watch the play of emotions on his face, looking into his wife’s teary eyes as if gauging her seriousness. Agnes must have met his measure because Carson conceded defeat and turned towards Michael. “It’s nice to meet you… Michael, is it?”

“Yes, sir. Michael Aceto. I’m your son’s partner,” he said proudly, meeting the gaze of the older man directly. There was a slight wince visible in the man's eyes at that declaration. Their handshake was firmer than it needed to be, and may have contributed to another wince as Michael sent Carson a personal message.

“Yes, well… welcome to our home, Michael.” Glancing at his wife, he could see no approval as yet. Sighing, he looked at Kendall. Reaching out his hand, he welcomed his son home. This time when he looked at his wife, she looked happier, if somewhat brittle. “Kendall, would you mind coming into the den with me to talk? It’s more comfortable for me in there. Please?”

Please was not a word Kendall was used to hearing from his father, and truth be told, he felt like he was in some twilight zone after having seen his mother stand up to his father for the first time ever. He was awed at the change in dynamic that had just occurred before his eyes. “I’ll be in there in a minute. I want to talk to Michael first.” Carson glanced quickly over at Michael, and then quietly walked down the hallway to the den.

“Would you like some tea and cookies, Michael?” Agnes asked as she headed off to the kitchen, probably to compose herself and give them time alone.

“Yes please, that would be great.”

Kendall took away Michael’s crutches and enveloped him in a huge bear hug, holding him up and breathing in his calming scent as he stroked his strong back. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with all this. If you want, we can go? I can come back and talk to my dad later.”

“Hey, where is all this coming from? I’m right where I want to be, so don’t be an idiot. We can’t leave your mom now. Besides… I like her. She looks a lot like the man I love. Don’t you dare worry about me! Remember what we said on the way here?”

Kendall nodded against his neck. Pulling back, he looked into his eyes.

“The worst is over… they both know we’re partners, and your mom’s cool with it and your dad didn’t freak out. And even if he does, so what? Not to be morbid, but you need to talk to your dad, like now, not later. This is a chance to get some stuff settled between you two, and if I were you I would take it. Just remember he can’t hurt you anymore than he already has… and he can’t touch us. We’re a team... don't forget that.”

Kendall listened to every word like he was being fed a lifeline. “You are the most amazing guy. You always say the right things.”

“Well, like I've said, you bring out the best in me. We’ll do whatever you need us to do. I’m just telling you what I think, okay? You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to, but I want you to leave here happy, if that’s at all possible.”

“No, you’re right. I need to do this now. I might not get the chance again. He could be gone soon, and I don’t want any regrets. Thanks, big guy. I love you so fucking much. Now give me a kiss and sit back down.” Kendall saw his mother watching from the doorway as they kissed the tender kiss of lovers, and she was smiling.

“I love you, Michael.”

“I love you too.” One last glance back, and Kendall headed down the hallway to the den.

Michael’s concern couldn't be hidden as Agnes walked back in, carrying a tea service.

“This tea has been steeping for a while, the Scottish way,” she smiled. “If it’s too strong, you let me know.”

“I prefer my tea strong... I’m sure it’s fine.”

“You really love my son, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do. He's my life,” he smiled, enjoying being able to say those words to her.

“He loves you too... I know my boy. He looks at you the way I’ve always looked at Carson.” The lost look on her face relayed how hard this was on her. Her hands trembled as she picked up her teacup.

“He does love me, and I am a very lucky man. And Agnes… you did the right thing today.”

“I know. It was difficult, but it was the right thing. I want my family back and I want it to be better than it was. I might lose my husband, but I can’t lose my son, too.”

“You won’t lose your son. If you need us, we’ll be there for you.” Michael let her see the truth in his eyes, and watched her relax after her searching look.

Kendall entered the familiar den, seeing nothing much was different about his father’s personal space. The top of the old wooden file cabinet held the only photograph in the room, and it was of Kendall in his hockey uniform at the age of fourteen. That had been a good day. One of a handful of pleasant memories his dad was present in.

“Close the door, boy.” His father was seated on a tilt, and despite significant weight loss, he still managed to dwarf his favorite chair.

Kendall stared at the man, waiting expectantly.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Close the damn door.”

“Don’t call me boy, old man.” Kendall didn't move, and his demeanor was calm.

“Fine, Kendall, could you please come in and close the door? Is this the way it’s going to be… disrespecting your father? It’s bad enough your mother has lost her mind.”

Carson sounded disgusted with the way things were going in his own home, but Kendall couldn't have cared less. he sat on the old couch across from his father. There was familiarity to it, but things were different now. “You tell me how it's going to be. Respect is a two-way street, although that’s never been the case in this house. And I would say mom has found her ‘mind’. You’ve browbeaten her just like you’ve browbeaten me, and I think she's finally had enough... I know I have.”

“So, I’m always the bad guy, is that it?”

Kendall couldn't help but notice that despite the cancer, his father still looked and acted strong. He did feel some relief at that. “Pretty much, Dad, pretty much. It’s always been about what you want. We were never treated as your wife and son. We were there to do as you said, always. There was only ever one way in this house, and we both know whose that was. You’re a mean, miserable prick, Carson.” There was no joy in saying that, but Kendall wasn't going to pull any punches this time.

“A prick, am I? When did you get so tough?” That had hit Carson hard, and despite his attempt not to show it, Kendall was aware. “What did it matter what I wanted? You never listened! You just did what you wanted anyway, regardless of what I said. All I did was try to make you a man. That was my job as your father!”

“I never listened? I wasn’t allowed to do anything but listen—seen and not heard—isn’t that what you always said? If I was stupid enough to talk back to you, I got a backhand for it. I learned that really early, you bastard! As far as your job as a father goes, I think you got it all wrong. You were supposed to support me in what I wanted to do, not try to control every single part of my life.” Kendall was vibrating with a deep seated rage he had never let this far out before, at least not in front of this man.

Carson looked away. “Jesus. Was I really that bad?”

The angry tone had left Carson, to be replaced by a new emotion. Did Kendall detect shame? “Yes, Dad, you were that bad and I don’t see you ever changing. I spent most of my life trying to please you, trying to make you proud… and I’m done. Despite what you did to me, I like who I am and I like where I am in my life. I have a great career and I’m good at it, and I’m in love with someone who loves me back.” Kendall waited for a reaction to bringing up Michael, but none came.

“So, if you hate me so much, then why are you here? Why do you even want to be in the same room with me? It sounds like you have everything you need now... so why come back?”

Kendall looked down at his hands. He didn’t want to do this anymore; he didn’t want to be here, with this man who was his father in name only. He thought of Michael, sitting out in the living room with his mother, and he remembered he was doing this for both of them. It wasn’t about his dad… it was about the life he was building with the love of his life. “Michael, I came here because of Michael.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Michael again. Can we not talk about Michael?”

“Ah, so there it is. I wondered why you haven’t spewed your normal shit at me about my being in a relationship with a man. You’re just ignoring it, as if it doesn’t exist. No son of yours… and all that bullshit, right? If we don’t talk about it, then the great Carson Dooley doesn’t have to admit he has a gay son. Or as you would say… a fag, a pussy-boy, a sissy, a homo—I’ve heard them all from you before... many times.”

“Christ, Kendall, don’t put words in my mouth. That’s not fair. I’ve changed a lot. I just meant this was about you and me… not Michael. If you want to talk about him, go ahead and talk. I’ll listen. He’s the cop friend you used to mention, right?”

Kendall nodded after a half minute of staring into a face that had aged considerably.

“What does he have to do with you being here?”

Kendall hadn’t expected any sort of concession, or even self-control, from his father, and he was caught completely off guard by it. One thing he felt sure of was that his father hadn’t changed. Still, he was sitting there with an open face, and he had asked. “You asked me earlier, when I got so tough. It was when I met Michael, Dad. I was still that scared little boy who wasn’t allowed to show fear, when I went on to college.” Another hit to Carson, but Kendall didn't care. “Michael didn’t see what you saw in me.” Another one. “He was my best friend and he supported me completely. He’s always been proud of me and now that we’re partners, I want to fix the one thing that’s still wrong with me. You. At least, I wanted to try. He encouraged me to get past what’s happened and do the right thing… to come here and visit my father, who has cancer. If it wasn’t for him I’d still be in Ontario. I wanted to fix what’s wrong with us, but I want to do this for Michael and me, too. I love him, and I don't want to carry this crap around.”

It was silent for a while, each man obviously processing.

“Kendall? I think I need to come clean about something. You know how I always brag about your grandfather and what a great man and cop he was?”

“Yeah. I remember all the stories.” Kendall felt apathetic about the subject, but he was curious about where this was going.

“Yeah well, it was all bullshit. He was a mean-tempered drunk, and a miserable bastard when he was sober. I found out eventually that his reputation wasn’t very good as a cop either. I hated him, just the same way you hate me. I lied about him because I was ashamed, and he was my dad, so I built him up in my memories and wouldn’t let myself think about what an asshole he really was. When your grandmother died, he went from bad to worse. He was a tough man, and he was tough on me. He... I guess he was my role model as a father, and it's time I admit to you I’m just like him. I fucked up with you and I’ve known that for a long time now. Even worse is, I pushed you away from your mother, and I think she’s close to hating me too.”

Kendall had never seen his father so off-kilter before. He saw remorse there, but he couldn’t go to him. Harsh memories kept him rooted to his seat. Still, the revelation shocked him to his core. “I always wondered why you were the way you were with me. So you’re saying you were such a bastard… so hard on me, because of your own father?”

“I wasn’t as strong as you were, Son. I could never stand up to the man, not the way you stood up to me. Even when you took what I dished out, I knew you were just biding your time. I knew you were going to walk away from me and as hard as I fought you, I knew I couldn’t stop it.”

“Then why did you fight me at all? If you knew you weren’t going to win, why put our family through that? That’s just so fucked up.”

“That’s a question I’ve asked myself time and time again, especially when I would see the sadness in your mother over how much she missed you. I’m a fucked-up man, Kendall. I’m so much like my father and I’ve been too weak to fight it... wish I had been more like you. I never had the defiance in my eyes that you did. It used to piss me off and make me proud at the same time, and I’m glad you never turned out like me or your grandfather. If I make it through this cancer thing, I think I need to see a counselor. I'm pretty sure your mom and I are going to need some help... she deserves better.”

“It’s awfully hard to stand up to a scary father when you’re just a kid," Kendall uttered softly. Carson was looking downward, not meeting his eyes. "Did he… did he beat you?”

Carson gave him a sharp look, and Kendall expected him to revert to the same closed up man he'd always been, but he appeared to catch himself. Taking a deep breath, he continued. “Almost every week... usually over something I didn’t understand.” A big sigh accompanied the confession. “I wasn’t perfect, but I made sure not to do that to you. I know I gave you the belt a couple of times, but only when I thought you deserved it.”

“Yeah, well you were wrong about that. I didn’t deserve it… either time.”

“Hey, I never should have taken my belt to you, and I know that now, but as your dad I needed to punish you for lying. I was not going to tolerate that from my son.”

“I didn’t lie. The scratch on your car was done by Samuel from next door. That kid had balance problems and he couldn’t handle a bike. Everyone knew that except you, apparently. I told you I didn’t do it, but you didn’t believe me. What I said was the truth.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me he did it?”

“Because you never listened to me and you just would have punished me anyway for talking back. That was my childhood in a nutshell.” This latest blow hit Carson dead on. Bulls-eye, and Kendall felt no remorse for his words.

Carson's sigh filled the room. “I already said it... I’m a fuck-up. I had no clue how to be a father—my role model was a piece of shit—the fact is, you’re smarter than me. I'm just a dumb fucking cop, but not having you around, missing you, has made me realize something. I am proud of you, and I guess I always have been. I don’t expect you and me to be best friends, at least not right now, but would you please think about something? You assume you know how I feel, and that’s fair, but you gave your mother credit for changing… I heard you two out there. Can you try to give me the same credit? Maybe I don’t deserve it, but I’m asking anyway. You’re the only son I have... and I love you.”

Kendall would never in a million years have expected a request like this from his father. He was both shocked and skeptical. Carson was pretty straight-up as a rule, but it was hard to believe he had changed this much. Yet, wasn’t this what Kendall had wanted when he took the trip out here? He decided to push his father’s limits a little more.

“What about Michael? What about the fact that I’m gay? Doesn’t that freak Carson Dooley out?”

“If you’re asking me if I’m happy about it, I would tell you no. Gay people can have it tough. But I’m not freaked out about it.”

Kendall was dubious, and he didn't try to hide it.

“Do you want to know why I’m not?”

“I... yeah... your reaction hasn’t been what I expected. I figured you’d throw us both out and we’d go home knowing we at least tried. So yeah, I’d like to know why my homophobic father isn’t freaked out.”

“Well first of all, if I threw you out, your mother would throw me out.”

His grin was received but not returned. This was too serious to Kendall for him to see any humor in it.

“Do you remember my old partner, Delroy? He’s dead now. His son, that really tall kid, Evan… he was gay, and he ended up killing himself. Delroy was too hard on him because of the gay thing. He couldn’t accept it, and long story short, they’re both dead now. Delroy was a great partner, but he was fucked up bad after that, and he took the same wrong way out as his son. As sad as that is, that’s not the point. I learned a lot from his regret, and it made me look at things a little differently. The thing is, I have a new partner… well not so new, really. I’ve had my partner Dixon for two years now, and he’s taught me a lot. More like dragged me into the new century, truth be told. He‘s my partner, but he’s also my friend, and his husband is a good guy too.”

Kendall’s jaw dropped at his father's nonchalant disclosure.

“Those words you said I used, earlier… well, I don’t use them anymore. I’ve had the sensitivity training like all us cops have to go through, but it never took before. Now I have sensitivity training every day I work with Dixon… and I get it now. I’m not saying I want that for you, but if that’s who you are, then that’s who you are. At least you picked a cop. And a big fucker, too.” The wry little smile he showed did get a response from Kendall.

You could have heard a pin drop in the den at that moment. Carson’s partner was gay. The irony of it was not lost on Kendall. “So you’re telling me you’re okay with gay people now?”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m telling you, and I’m telling you that, because despite what you think of me, I can change. I see the doubt in your eyes, and with the way I was before, I can’t blame you for it. But, I’m telling you if you give me a chance to make it up to you, being an asshole of a father, you and Michael won’t be an issue. Old habits die hard, but they’re just habits. I’ll introduce you to Dixon, and you can ask him what he thinks of me… whether he thinks I’m still a homophobic prick. That’s what he used to call me.”

“This isn’t what I expected at all, Dad.”

“Yeah, you already said that. I know I have a lot to make up for, but I am getting really tired now. This isn’t what I was expecting either. I know you have a lot of anger... I see that now. I see a lot of things clearer now. I’m glad you came to see me. I didn’t want you to at first, and I think it’s because I was ashamed. Your mom was right about us both being miserable without you in our lives. That’s totally on me. I don’t want to die thinking… well, let me just say I think we need to fix this. That’s what I want. Now can you call your partner in here for a few minutes before I grab a much-needed nap?”

Somewhat overwhelmed, and still not sure what was going on, Kendall opened the door and called for Michael. The response was immediate as Michael practically flew down the hallway. “Slow down, Ace!”

“Are you okay?” Concerned eyes met his.

“I’m fine. No worries.” He felt him relax relax through his hands. “My dad wants to see you for a minute... us, I mean.”

“Okay, lead the way.”

Settled in front of Carson on the couch, the two men were touching from leg to shoulder, and holding hands tightly, as united as two people can be. Clear-eyed and steady, they both returned Carson’s scrutinizing gaze with ones of their own.

“Michael, I need to thank you first of all. Kendall tells me he’s here because of you, and I want you to know that whatever you did, I appreciate the chance I’ve had to see my son.”

“I didn’t do much, sir. It was Kendall’s decision to make. I just listened and supported him in it. But I accept your thanks and I will tell you that you are welcome.”

Carson was obviously searching for words, and a wet sheen was visible in his eyes. Lot of firsts today.

“What is it, Dad?”

“I need to ask a favor of both of you. I need to know someone will take care of Agnes if I don’t make it. You’re the one she’s going to need, Kendall. So that means you too, Michael. I know you have your own lives, but I hope you would include her in them as much as possible. I worry about how she will handle it when I’m gone. Sometimes she’s strong and sometimes she’s not.”

“Mr. Dooley, you don’t have to say anything else. We'll be there for your wife in every way possible. If things don’t work out for you, she will not be alone. Kendall and I don’t even need to discuss it. It’s a done deal, right, Babe?”

“Yes, Dad, it’s a done deal. You don’t have to worry about Mom at all.” Kendall met Michael's gaze, and he whispered, "Thank you, Sunshine."

Carson was watching them with interest and a small smile. “Okay, boys… sorry… men, I’m heading to bed. A few hours awake at a time is all I can handle these days.” He stopped at the door and turned to them. “Thank you, both. I hope you’re feeling better, Son, because this is the best I’ve felt in years. I hope you're staying here… for your mother’s sake. If you do, you better take the guest room, because there’s no way you two big guys are going to fit on that single bed in your old room.” And with that, he left, pulling the door closed behind him.

Kendall stared straight ahead. “I have a hard time believing what just happened. Nobody changes like that, do they?”

“That’s a good question. What little I saw seemed genuine to me. Did the talk go well?”

“Yeah, almost too well. That man who just left here is not the man I know. He just doesn’t fit what I remember. It was typical Dad to begin with and then this other guy showed up, and as much as I want to, I don’t trust it. I want that second guy to be my father, but this is the first time I’ve seen him, and I’m as confused as fuck.”

“Don’t overthink this. You have to trust what you saw and heard, even if it’s hard to believe. I think the man is facing his mortality and that is changing him, making him reach out. I know it’s difficult with your guys’ history, but you have to see it through.”

“I guess…. you’re right… it is hard. There’s a part of me that wants to hang on to the anger, and I don’t know why. It’s just so not what I expected to happen and I’m afraid to trust him. A part of me believes he meant everything he said, but maybe that’s because I want it so much?” Tears came from nowhere, and the turmoil he was experiencing, showed in those wet turquoise eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay to want this to be real. Don’t be afraid of it, okay?” Michael made the decision to tell him what he knew. “I talked to your mom,” he said softly, and saw he had Kendall’s undivided attention.

“What did she say?”

“She said she and your dad were having marriage troubles before he became ill. She was going to leave him and move to Ontario… to be near you. She was about to tell him, but then he got sick. The cancer is what made her stay. Babe, I think this is all real and you can trust it. Your dad isn’t just fighting for his life... he’s fighting for everything. Trust him on this. He needs you to do that. Your mom is not the same person either… not going by what I heard from her. Agnes Dooley is a force to be reckoned with and she’s not losing you again. That woman has been hurting for a long time and your father knows it. I think he saw today his cancer won’t stop your mom from following through on what she said. Fixing things with you is his only hope. Agnes told me he's been just as unhappy since he pushed you out of their lives. He pretends otherwise, but it doesn’t fool your mom.”

“Wow.”

“Maybe it wasn’t my place to tell you all this, but you looked like you needed to know.”

Kendall appeared overwhelmed, and Michael wrapped him up in a much needed embrace. “Holy fuck, Ace.”

“You know what that reminds me of? Are you sure this is the time to be getting dirty?”

“What?”

“You remember? The last time you said ‘holy fuck’, there were like three of them, and hearing it again is getting me horned up.”

Kendall’s laugh started low before suddenly bursting out of him. “Don’t you ever fucking change, Sunshine. You always give me exactly what I need.”

“Does that mean the sex is on?” That started Kendall laughing again.

“As soon as I can get you completely alone, count on it.”

“Does that door have a lock, Babe?”