Cards on the Table - 7. Chapter 7 Changing the Rules

Chapter 7

Michael trudged through the fresh snowfall to his truck. So preoccupied was he that he ended up ass over teakettle when he reached to open his door. Shit, that was embarrassing. He heard the couple next to him in his parking lot struggling to keep their laughter to a minimum. He found himself laughing along with them about the joys of the arrival of full-on winter. Brushing himself off and waving good bye, he threw his hockey bag into the back seat and jumped in. He could feel the effects of the abrupt fall in the slight twinge in his back and one of his knees. Great way to start off a day of physical exertion. Michael needed to stay calm and centered, and not just because of hockey. Kendall was his main concern. His whole week had been about making it to this day without doing something stupid. It felt like his life depended on the next few hours, and in a way it did. Okay, maybe he was being melodramatic, but until he knew where everything stood, he was not going to relax. He was optimistic but nervous about the coming talk.

Since Monday he had to force himself to be patient and keep his trust in the the man he knew. He was semi-successful until he thought of Moondoggie, and then fear would set in. So many times he picked up the phone to call Kendall, and then put it back down. Once, he threw it across the room, expecting it to smash against the wall as it left his hand. It was a good thing his throw was an erratic one, because it hit the back of the recliner instead, and slid unharmed to the seat. Finally, on Wednesday, when it became too much to take, he grabbed his keys and headed out.

His intent was to show up at Kendall's apartment and force the issue. He couldn't face another minute without him. Making it as far as his building, he didn't pull in. Parking on the side of the road, he contemplated the possibilities of his actions. He would, to a lesser degree, be putting Kendall in the same position he had on Monday. Maybe it would work this time, and that thought kept him teetering on the edge of indecision. But what if Kendall wasn't receptive? What if he resented the intrusion? What if he wasn't alone?

Michael, spurred on by this last thought, got out of his Chev and walked around the building to get a view of the parking lot. Sure enough, Moondoggie's white Jeep sat in visitor parking. Fuck. It was like a pail of ice cold water was poured over Michael as he stumbled through the slushy snow back to his truck. He told himself it didn't mean anything, and what they had was just friendship, but to no avail. The pangs of jealousy wouldn't be ignored. It all went back to faith; he had to have that in Kendall. He certainly couldn't barge in there now, so he started up the truck, battling with unwanted mental images trying to infiltrate his brain, and headed home.

Trying as hard as he could to keep a lid on his fears, he found he couldn't. He needed his mom. Settling down on the couch, he pushed two on his phone and waited for his mom to answer. It was almost always her that answered, his dad only when absolutely necessary. Sure enough, his mom picked up, sounding out of breath.

"Are you okay, Mom?"

"Bonnie boy! I've been waiting to hear from you. Yeah, I'm fine. You just rescued me from your father." Her words were followed by a giggle. "How are you, honey? Did you and Kendall talk?"

That opened the floodgates, and Michael told her everything, laying himself bare. Explaining what he did, and how Kendall had reacted, and about Moondoggie still being in the picture. There was nothing left to tell her when he finally stopped talking. It had all come out in a steady torrent of words. Colleen did what she always did, and just listened till he was emptied out. Cleansed. Her first question was about why he called Chet, Moondoggie. She laughed when he told her.

"Oh Michael, you have the same jealous streak as your father. This is something new for you."

He felt chagrined as he acknowledged the truth of that. Jealousy sucked. "So did I screw up?"

"No, you didn't screw up. There is no right or wrong way, but this is typical you. You probably should have picked your spot a little better, but when you left here Monday morning, I knew you wouldn't be able to put off talking to him. You're going to see him on Saturday, right?"

"Yeah, I'm going to try to talk to him in the morning if I can, before the tournament starts. I'm worried, though, because he could just walk away again. I don't know what to do if that happens, and I'm worried about screwing up again."

"Stop saying that. You did not screw up. You tried to do something and it didn't work. I'm not telling you I know exactly what Kendall is thinking or going through. But I can guess. He probably misses you just like you miss him, only he is more afraid than you are. Listen to me... he told you how he felt, but he has no idea how you feel. Honey, you just figured it out yourself. Every time he sees you, it's a reminder he doesn't want, or might not be able to handle. When you do get the chance to tell him, don't expect it to go any certain way. He may have a hard time believing it after the years you both danced around things. Who knows? Maybe he'll throw himself in your arms right away, but if he doesn't, then you, bonnie boy, give him room. You may have to work hard at convincing him what you feel is real. If he needs time, give it to him. It may take a while to sink in to that boy. Affairs of the heart can be tricky, complicated things. Once we convince ourselves of something the way Kendall has, the way you helped him to, it can be a really difficult notion to get past. The most important thing is that you know Kendall, and you have to trust him. Don't push him; just trust him."

"Do you think I should call him? Talk to him before Saturday? I really want to, but you're probably right about not pushing him." Michael knew he sounded pathetic, but he felt so unsure of everything.

"Oh, sweetie. I wish I could advise you what the right thing to do is, but I just don't know. I can see this is driving you crazy, and I'm not going to tell you not to, but I think it might be better to wait. From what you've told me, you gave him a bit of a shock. Showing up by surprise when you guys agreed not to see each other might be something he needs time with. When someone says they are fighting for their life... well, you can't take that lightly. I know you don't; I'm not saying that. What I am saying, and what I think he means, is that seeing you face to face takes him right back to a bad place, that place he was at a month ago. Which tells me he loves you as much now as he did then. How about this? You can't call him this late anyway. So why don't you sleep on it and decide what you should do after a good night's rest? Does that sound like a good idea?"

Michael was quiet for a moment as he thought about what his mother had said. Her belief Kendall still loved him the same as he always did calmed him considerably, and he always felt better after talking to her. "Yeah, you're right. I can't talk to him now because... Chet's there." God, he hated saying that name. "I'll sleep on it tonight, and decide tomorrow whether to call him or wait till Saturday. Thanks. You are the best mom in the whole world and I love you and Dad with all my heart. Tell him that for me, okay?"

"I will, honey. Call us as often as you need to. We love you too."

Michael woke up way earlier than he needed to on Thursday morning, blinking at the clock in the darkness, trying to read the numbers through sleep encrusted eyes. Five o'clock. Three hours before he needed to be in his patrol car keeping the streets of suburbia safe. Lying there thinking, he had that same strong urge to call Kendall. Was it the right thing to do? He mentally ran through all his mother had said the night before.

Sighing and yawning in quick succession, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat up. His mom was always right. Don't push. He knew that of his friend without his mom saying it, but every fiber of his being was screaming call him! Still not completely sure what he was going to do, he headed for a much needed piss.

All showered and dressed for the gym, Michael got ready to head out. He had pretty much decided he was going to make a quick call to Kendall at lunch and ask him if he wanted him to bring his hockey socks to the Arena on Saturday. It was a perfectly good reason to call, and he wouldn't be blindsiding him this time. Still, the decision was making him nervous as hell. He headed for the living room to grab his phone and be off.

Picking it up off the couch cushion, he saw the message light blinking. Pressing the screen button, he saw he had a missed call from 'Deuce', and he had a voicemail message. Shivering, as a chill went through him, he dropped his gym bag, keys, coat, and wallet, everything but the phone, on the floor. He was shocked, excited, and scared, all at the same time. He was also pissed he had left his phone on vibrate and hadn't brought it in the bedroom last night. He missed the fucking call! Punching in his voicemail code, he waited anxiously for the message, praying it wasn't just a beep and dead air. Relief hit him at the sound of the familiar voice.

"Hey Ace, It's me. Sorry to call so late. I, ah, I guess you're sleeping. I haven't been able to. So anyway, I wanted to say I'm sorry about Monday. It just hurts you know, and none of it's your fault. It's just like, I'm not very happy... with myself, not you. And I didn't expect to see you there, so... anyway, I was thinking maybe we could chat once in a while, like on the phone if you want, and maybe keep in touch that way. Or leave messages and stuff. I am going to get over this shit... I promise. Okay, so bye. Maybe I can sleep now. Bye."

Michael plopped down on the couch, and the tears came. Lots of them. When did he become a crier? He didn't know if it was from relief or just the sound of Kendall's beautiful deep voice. He now knew it had the ability to stir the deepest of feelings in him. He wanted, no, he needed that voice close to his ear, saying things he had never knew he wanted to hear before. He wanted Kendall to tell him he loved him, without it being an agonized confession. His tears turned to sobs as his needs turned to cravings. How could he have ever buried feelings like this? It was incomprehensible now. He called his voicemail again to hear that voice and think of the beautiful man it belonged to. He pushed repeat again and again as hope struggled to blossom. It wasn't the words that gave him the hope; it was the feelings coming through from that voice. He knew his friend still loved him. He just had to get him to see the possibilities for them.

Michael couldn't even remember his workout that morning. He only knew, from how his body felt, that it was full-tilt and brutal. It was all good. His mom had been right when she said not to push. Kendall had called him! He hadn't blown it after all. Even thinking about Moondoggie didn't kill the hope, the absolute fucking joy he was experiencing since that voicemail. He felt bad that Kendall was having trouble sleeping, though. That worried him. He'd just started his lunch break and he was staring at his phone, wondering if it was too soon to take Kendall up on his offer to keep in touch. He was feeling good and he didn't want to ruin anything. But, then again, Kendall had opened the lines of communication, so maybe he was expecting a response. He didn't have to pick up if he didn't want to. Before he could talk himself out of it, he pushed and held one, and the call went through.

Kendall was sequestered in his office, up to his eyeballs in paperwork, much of it scheduling. He was down four full-timers and three part-timers, and it was a logistical nightmare trying to cover every shift, without paying out too much overtime. To top it all off, the graffiti problem was escalating and they hadn't been able to provide the police with any suspects as yet. Kendall took all this personally. He was in the process of stewing when his phone rang. Michael. At first, he was tempted to let it go to voicemail, but he was tired of letting all this get the best of him. His friend deserved better and he needed to at least try a different way. "Hi Ace."

"Hey, Deuce, I hope I am not catching you at a bad time? If I am, I can call back." The trepidation in his voice made Kendall feel both sadness and guilt.

Kendall looked at the extensive mess on his overflowing desk. "No problem. I wasn't doing much. It's a quiet day. Listen, I hope I didn't wake you last night. I just wanted to let you know how bad I felt... you know, about stuff I said on Monday. I felt like such a dick afterwards. It wasn't fair to take my feelings out on you. I'm really sorry, man." It was a strange and familiar feeling, talking like this to Michael. Maybe he was always going to love this guy no matter what he did. Maybe it was a fight he couldn't ever win.

"Shit, please don't apologize. I feel bad enough as it is. You weren't a dick, man. I deserved worse than that. We had a deal and I broke it. Like usual, I was a dumb shit and I didn't think things through." There was silence for a bit. "Hey, you could at least disagree with the dumb shit part." Kendall laughed. Michael joined him, and went on. "If you meant what you said about keeping in touch, count me in. On your terms, though."

"I meant what I said. I want to stay in touch. It might be hard for me sometimes, but like I said, I am going to get to a better place. I'm slowly getting there." Kendall was lying about that. It was a balm to his soul, talking to Michael like this.

"Sounds good to me. I totally understand. Like I said... on your terms. Ah, Kendall, I do have a favor to ask, and it's really important. I know you want your space still, and I get that, but I really need to talk to you about something... like face to face, just you and me. Do you think we could do that? Maybe this weekend, after the tournament? Please? It's really, really important, for like, both of us."

Kendall was intrigued. The thought of what Michael was asking scared him, though. There was an intensity in that request that had old fears bubbling up. Being alone with the man who still ruled his heart would be tough, but he owed him this. It was obviously important, so Kendall swallowed down those fears for his old friend's sake.

"Sure, we can do that. I don't know about this weekend, though. Chet and I have already made plans to go visit some of his family. Maybe Monday night would be better. We could go for coffee or something." Kendall waited for a response, but it took a while to come.

"Okay, if it has to be Monday, then I guess I can wait until then." His words were nonchalant on the surface, but he couldn't hide the disappointment, and Kendall tuned right into it. He was letting Michael down in a really big way. He could sense it, and he felt more guilt.

"Nothing is written in stone about the timing, so let's play this weekend by ear. Maybe it could work out. Can we just do it that way? And if not, we'll make it Monday for sure."

"Okay, let's do that then. One more thing... do you want me to bring your extra socks for the tournament? They're clean. I could even drop them off tonight or tomorrow night."

The change in tone and the eagerness Kendall heard in the deep voice made him smile. He'd done the right thing and Micheal's spirits had lifted. It amazed him that even over the phone, with the distance he'd tried to put between them, their connection was as strong as ever. "It would be great if you could bring them Saturday... I went looking for new ones but they just have the polyester, and I'd prefer my knit ones. I know they're supposed to breathe better, but I still don't like them. Anyway, it looks like I might be covering a shift tonight, and tomorrow night is hockey practice, so Saturday works the best if you don't mind?"

"No, that works out fine. I have practice tomorrow night too. I guess I should let you go."

Kendall didn't say anything. He knew he was going to miss his voice, as soon as they hung up.

"Okay, Deuce, I am really glad we were able to talk. I've... ah, missed you."

"Same here. I'll see you Saturday... we might even have to play against one another."

"That would be a first, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it would. Bye, Michael."

"Bye, Kendall."

Michael couldn't help doing a fist pump after he hung up. There was a fundamental change in Kendall's mindset. It fanned the flames of Michael's already present hope even further. His turnaround about the possibility of a weekend talk meant he was going to try to put Michael first, just like he used too. Even without knowing how he really felt about him, Kendall was coming back around. That made his shift all the more meaningful. With no help from him, Kendall's attempt to defeat his own heart hadn't worked. Michael was surer than ever Kendall was still in love with him. Armed with a new certainty, he could handle anything thing that was thrown at him.

God, how he loved the guy. It hadn't been quite six days since he let those feelings out, but he knew now he had loved Kendall the night he had held him and nursed him back to health. As corny as it may be, he had come to believe in soulmates, and his soul was starving for its other half. Smirking to himself as he headed back to the patrol car, he couldn't care less that he was a sappy mess. He welcomed these new feelings and couldn't wait to share them with Kendall.

Kendall stared blankly out the window of his office as he allowed himself to bask in the presence of Michael. After he hung up the phone, all of his senses were alert and completely tuned into the man. Hearing his voice brought forth a steady stream of pictures, emotions, and scents that triggered a joy he hadn't felt for a very long time. It was an indulgence he had to let himself have. Michael was like that drink of cold water the thirsty craved, the only thing that could satisfy the fundamental need inside Kendall. He was everything Kendall would ever want, everything he would ever need, and even if he could never have him, he was done with shutting him out of his life.

Maybe eventually, he would be able to love another person, but for now Michael owned him, and he was exhausted from fighting it. As tough as the situation might be, it wasn't getting any better by cutting Michael out of it. So he wouldn't. It wouldn't be the same; he would have to keep some distance for sure, but he could be a part of Michael's life, and Michael could be part of his.

He had ended up laying his feelings bare to Chet when he'd come over to play cards on Wednesday night. Kendall started talking and the cards were soon forgotten. When he admitted to Chet that he felt really bad about how things were with Michael, and how badly he wanted to call him, his new friend had encouraged him. It was the push he needed. After Chet had left, it took Kendall two hours and a glass of wine before he worked up his nerve. It was the right thing to do and he slept well that night. It was his first good sleep in a month. A smile settled on Kendall's face as he reveled in the new understanding he and Michael had. He would no longer deprive himself completely of their friendship, and that was a good thing... the right thing.

Michael pulled into the Arena parking lot to be greeted by a big banner over the front entrance. 'Welcome ToThe 2011 Gwillumbury Cup Tournament Est. 1981 - 30 Years Of Tradition'. Eight teams, after qualifying, played sudden-death games until one team was left standing. They utilized two Arenas in close proximity to one another in order to fit in all the games, excepting the final, which would be held on Sunday at the Stouffville Arena. Michael was pleased his passion for the game was returning, and looked forward to being back on the ice in a tournament Kendall was participating in. Not seeing Black Beauty anywhere in the parking lot, he headed in to look for Coach and his teammates.

Walking down the hallway in back of the spectator stands, he was surprised to see Kendall come out of the visitors' dressing room and walk straight towards him. Kendall, upon noticing him, did a half-step to show his own surprise, but continued on. Kendall spoke first.

"Hi, Michael. Good to see you."

Michael could almost see a hint of shyness there. They had some work to do.

"So, it looks like we get to battle each other right away."

Michael gave him a quizzical look.

"In the game, I mean. We're first up at nine o'clock."

"Oh. Seriously?" Michael flashed him an impish smile. "This should be fun. Are you ready for an ass-kicking?"

Kendall rolled his eyes, and they both laughed at the thought of playing against one another. Boys will be boys. "Bring it on, Ace. You know Badgers rule."

"Yeah, they did until I left the team." That was a sobering thought for both of them, and Michael regretted his words instantly.

"Sorry about that. You shouldn't have had to make the switch. I've made a real mess of things." Lanny Dixon, Kendall's teammate walked by them at that moment, making kissing noises.

"I'll leave you two ladies alone." More kissing noises as he entered the dressing room. They both burst out laughing.

"Do you think there's a chance that guy will ever grow a brain?"

Kendall snorted in response. "At least you don't have to play with him anymore. He's all brawn, with nothing between those big ears." They were smiling again, so Lanny proved to be good for something.

"So, no more apologies... agreed?"

"Agreed. So where are my socks, hotshot?" Kendall only ever called him that when they were playing hockey. It was nice. Michael smirked at him, as he leaned over and rummaged through his hockey bag until he found the socks.

"There you go, roadrunner."

Kendall couldn't stop himself from taking in the view of that better than perfect ass when Michael was searching for his socks. He felt an instant reaction in his cock. Thank God, his coat was a longer one. Kendall felt heat in a couple of places now as he reacted to hearing Michael's hockey nickname for him. A small voice warned Kendall he was playing a dangerous game, but he chose to ignore it and let the warmth spread through him. In conceding the defeat of his initial approach to changing his life, it felt like he was gaining back a little control over it. Something that had eluded him for a long time. Maybe this would end up being the key to eventually moving on. Maybe he had tried way too hard to control things he had no power over.

"So, where did you park Beauty? I didn't see her out there... is she sick again?" He was back to razzing about who had the better truck, and Kendall was amused.

"No, she's as perfect as always. She's a Ford, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. That's why I asked. So where is the little darling?"

"She's at home. Chet dropped me off." You could almost feel the temperature drop in the already cold hallway as Michael's face went completely blank. Kendall was taken aback by the difference in the vibe he was getting from the man. His face showed nothing, but Kendall knew him so well. He was definitely upset. Crestfallen might be a better description. Kendall was about to ask him what was wrong, when Michael picked up his hockey bag and turned away.

"I better get going before Coach comes looking for me. See you on the ice, Deuce."

"Okay, hotshot. Good luck. You're gonna need it."

Michael turned half back around, and gave Kendall a weak smile. "Later, man. I'll go easy on you." And with that he was through the door of the Home dressing room. Kendall could hear some raucous greetings before the door closed.

Kendall entered the room farther down to some hoots and hollers from his own teammates. Everyone seemed in fine spirits, but Lanny started in right away. "Did you and your boyfriend have a nice talk? That's fraternizing with the enemy, you know." He looked so fucking smug that Kendall saw red.

"What the hell is your problem, Dixon? He's not my boyfriend or the enemy, but he is my friend, and he used to be your teammate. He sure saved your ass a bunch of times on the ice when you were a total fuck-up. So just lay off so we can concentrate on winning this thing." The rest of the team, listening to the exchange, cheered at Kendall's comeback. They were all used to Lanny being a dick.

Lanny looked pissed at the cheer as his limited brain cells went into overdrive. "This isn't about him saving my ass; it's about what he's doing to yours." Lanny looked like he thought he had just scored a hat-trick with his jibe. Everyone else looked curious.

"You're an inbred fucking idiot, Dixon. Michael's done nothing to my ass, but he might kick yours to kingdom come if you say that shit to his face. He gets more pussy in a month than you've gotten your whole life."

"That's not what Candace says. She says you two were all lovey-dovey at the pool hall, and the bastard stranded her to fend for herself while he took off after your sweet ass. She said you two had a lover's quarrel and both of you were crying like little babies. So did you guys kiss and make up?"

"If by Candace, you mean Candy... why the fuck would you listen to her? What happens between them is none of your business. Big deal. We had a falling out, but it was no lover's quarrel. I think the lover's quarrel was between them, asswipe, and you should mind your own fucking business."

"Candace is my business, you fucker. She's my fiancée, so watch your fucking mouth... and your boyfriend is gonna pay for what he did to her. That's a fucking promise, so maybe you wanna get a goodbye kiss in while you can."

The Coach, coming through the door, heard the gist of what was said, and proceeded to go apeshit on their ass about teamwork and counting on each other... the usual malarky neither man felt right then. Kendall was fuming at the threat Lanny had made towards Michael. As the coach droned on about their strategy of fore-checking and strong positional play, it suddenly occurred to him what he had seen in Michael. As soon as the coach left the room, Kendall stood up, glared at Dixon, and went out in the hallway to make a phone call.

Both teams had half the ice each for a ten minute warm-up. When Kendall saw his friend leaning against the boards on his side of the center-ice line, he skated over for his own breather. Michael watched him as he skated towards him. "So are you ready for this, roadrunner?"

"Yeah, I'm looking forward to handing you your ass on a platter." He grinned, but then became serious. "Listen, Michael, Lanny is out to wreck you today. Something about what you did to Candy, his fiancée... so watch your back, okay? You know what a dirty fucking player he can be. Don't show him your numbers or he'll try to run you through the boards.

"Candy and him? That's fucking hilarious! They deserve each other. OMG that's so funny. Thanks for the heads-up. Don't worry though. I can handle anything he tries to pull." Michael looked pensive after that.

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

Michael looked a little nervous, but nodded as he looked down like a little boy who had done something wrong.

"What happened in the hallway?" He didn't elaborate because they both knew what he was getting at. He didn't like how Michael looked a bit like a whipped puppy. It wasn't a look he had ever seen before... not on Michael.

"I'm sorry." Michael exhaled a huge sigh as he looked Kendall in the eye. "The truth is, I got jealous, and I know I had no right. I figured him dropping you off meant we weren't going to get a chance to talk this weekend, and it kinda bummed me out. So I was a jerk, because I said it was on your terms, and I meant what I said. I really do understand you have other plans and I'm sorry I shut down on you. It wasn't cool. Monday night is just fine with me, if we're still on... if that's okay with you? Again, I'm sorry."

"Michael, you broke our agreement."

"I'm sorry."

"You just did it again. We said no more apologies. I'm glad you were honest with me. I figured it was something like that, but I have to tell you Monday night no longer works for me."

"Okay, I understand." Michael looked away, and Kendall could actually feel the pain emanating from him.

"No, I don't think you do."

Michael looked back and into Kendall's face, clearly expecting the worst.

"I called Chet and told him not to pick me up. I told him there was a change of plans, and you and I were going to talk when we were done here for the day. You're going to have to drive me home, though."

As big a smile as he had ever seen broke out on Michael's face, and feeling good for having put it there, Kendall matched it with one of his own. Right on cue, the buzzer sounded to end the warm-up. Michael looked at Kendall with that breathtaking smile, and talking through it, he said, "Game on!"