Cards on the Table - 19. Chapter 19 Game of Chance

Cards on the Table

Chapter 19

It was early Thursday morning, and the family was gathered at Carson’s bedside waiting for the arrival of his oncologist, Dr. Bojani, a renowned specialist in bowel cancer. Carson had been at the hospital since yesterday at noon, undergoing tests and preparations for today’s left hemi-colectomy, an operation which would almost assuredly leave him with a permanent colostomy. After Dr. Bojani’s visit the previous day, where he went over the procedure step by step, and had Kendall’s dad sign all the medical permission forms, Carson’s valiant attempt at stoicism had ended. It proved too much for this tough-as-nails cop to take, and his precariously constructed walls collapsed in front of Kendall, Michael, and Agnes, bringing tears to all four of them.

Today, his tough façade was back in place as he tried to be upbeat; strong for his family’s sake. It was a revelation to him that he didn’t feel the shame for breaking down in front of them he normally would have. It was much easier for him to let people in, and he found satisfaction in knowing it was something his father never could or would have done.

Tuesday had been a good day for the newly united family. Breakfast had a whole different feel than the previous night’s dinner. Gone was the tension that came with trying to piece things back together; that had been accomplished. Michael and ‘pops’ got on like a house on fire, and Kendall was quite astonished to see his father’s sense of humor on display. He was, at times, wickedly funny. His dad had been more open and affectionate with Kendall than he’d ever been before. They even watched a movie together, although Carson fell asleep before the end. By silent agreement, no one mentioned his admittance to the hospital, scheduled for the next day. Kendall had a ton of questions, but he refrained from asking them out of consideration for his father’s need to have a reprieve from the reality of his cancer, at least temporarily. All in all, it had been one of the best days in memory for the Dooley family, despite the ugly elephant lurking at the edges of the room. There was no doubting, by anyone, that Michael was now an integral part of this family.

Lying in bed that night, Kendall finally let the tears flow as Michael held him in a comforting embrace, understanding his need to let it out. “I never thought I would let myself care this much about my dad again, Ace. The way he was today, let me remember all the little things I used to hold onto when things got bad. I don’t think I ever doubted he loved me. I just thought he was a miserable asshole who had to have everything his way. I can’t say I’ll forget about the past, but I understand it so much better now. I can’t believe how much this hurts. I’m really scared about what’s going to happen.”

“I know, Babe. He’s scared too, and you can feel it… we all can. That’s a tough thing to realize about a man when he doesn’t want you to know, and you have to pretend you don’t. But you did it. You held it together and you did great. Watching you two together today was awesome. You gave your dad exactly what he needed, and you can cry all you want now because I’ve got you. It’s just you and me here.”

So he did. Kendall ended up crying himself to sleep, in the strong loving arms of his partner. His last memory that night was of Michael holding him close and telling him how much he loved him. He woke up the next morning in the same reassuring embrace, ready to face whatever he had to in order to be there for his father. Michael hadn’t let go of him all night, and Kendall looked into blue eyes filled with tenderness.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime. I told you… I got you.”

Dr. Bojani showed up at 8am for a final check before surgery. He was accompanied by a man he identified as Dr. Chan, another specialist in bowel resections from a hospital in Vancouver. The family learned he would be assisting Dr. Bojani on Carson’s surgery. After checking his chart and asking Carson some general questions, the day really began.

When Carson was wheeled out of sight, Agnes disappeared inside herself as fears appeared to be overwhelming her. Michael and Kendall stuck close to either side of her, lending support until she slowly came around. Her detachment from the world around her had frightened Kendall, but Michael assured him she was strong and just needed some time to get control of those fears. Once she had come to grips and was able to function again, all their focus went to the clock, and the sound of swinging doors. Every time they heard the whoosh-whoosh, they reacted, but it was never for them. Time passed at a crawl; Kendall's mind kept drifting over memories of his father, wondering if he would ever get the chance to build more of them. The doctor had told them this was an extensive and tricky surgery because they wouldn’t know the full extent of the cancer until they opened their patient up. Michael could sense the pain-filled direction of Kendall’s mental journey through their entwined fingers, and every so often gave his hand a loving squeeze to remind him he was there for him. Kendall’s other hand was gently holding his mother’s and while he felt the occasional shudder go through her, she had regrouped… still anxious, but resigned and accepting of her husband's ordeal. It was all in the doctors’ hands. All three of them sent out their own silent prayers, in desperate hope that God would find the time watch over Carson Dooley.

At 11am, Dixon, in full police uniform, showed up. A pleasant looking man, he was the only one from Carson’s precinct who was aware of today’s surgery, respecting a request from Carson for it to be kept private. Kendall found himself interested in this gay friend of his father's, the one who had forced his dad to discard his antiquated attitudes about gay people. It was a distraction he needed as he stood up and introduced himself and Michael to Carson’s police partner, helping Michael stand so they could all shake hands. He watched the man with salt-and-pepper-colored hair give his mother a hug that was returned, and could see the genuine warmth between them.

“Thank you for coming. I knew you would find a way to be here.” It was nice to see a smile on Agnes’s face.

“I arranged for a split shift today, so I have a few hours. How’s he doing?”

“We don’t know anything yet… they took him away at eight, so he’s probably been in surgery for about two hours now, and we don’t know how long it will take.” Agnes lost a little composure as she spoke the words, so Kendall interjected.

“I have no idea of how much you know, Dixon, but the doctors said they wouldn’t know how long the operation would take until they actually got a good look at what needed to be done. We’ve been waiting for an update but none so far,” His voice cracked at that, and Michael pulled him in for a hug, stroking the back of Kendall’s head as the man melted into him.

“I know it seems like a long time, but it’s still early, Babe.”

There was no disguising Dixon’s interest in the sight in front of him. “I know this isn’t the right time, but are you guys together… like, a couple?”

Kendall looked at his father’s partner through tears and nodded. Michael’s answer was to pull Kendall closer as he leaned against the wall for better balance.

“Wow, I didn’t see that coming,” he chuckled. “Does Carson know about you two?”

Michael answered for Kendall, who was trying to pull himself back together. “Yeah, he does. We told him on Monday and he handled it really well. We were quite surprised at how unaffected he seemed to be by the whole thing. Kendall expected fireworks, but his dad was very cool about it.” He continued to keep Kendall close to him. “He didn’t throw us out, did he, Babe?” Michael’s words brought a little smile to Kendall’s face.

“No he didn’t. He gave you a lot of credit, Dixon, for changing his attitude.” Thanks to Michael’s support, Kendall had his emotions back under control. “He said you used to call him a homophobic prick.”

Dixon laughed. “He isn’t wrong. He was a tough nut to crack, but we got him there. That man has changed one hell of a lot since they first threw me in a car with him.” Dixon gave an amusing grimace at the memory. “Your dad’s a good guy, and a great friend. Even my husband likes him, and he doesn’t like too many people. He says your dad just needed to be whacked over the head a few times. He even threatened to do it himself.” Some tension broke and they all laughed… even Agnes who had been listening quietly as the men conversed. “I’m not surprised he took it okay. Did he tell you what happened with Delroy and his son?”

“Yeah, we had a long talk on Monday and that was one of the things we talked about. I remember Earl, Delroy’s son, from years ago.” Kendall was saddened at the thought. Michael had still not let go of him, and Kendall was thankful for his steady contact.

“It was a tragic thing, and your dad had a tough time handling it. He beat himself up for a long time, thinking he could've done something more, for Earl and for Delroy. It took a lot of talking to get through to your father, and make him see it was Delroy who'd made the mistakes. I’m still not sure your dad has totally let it go.” A quietness followed, as if they all suddenly remembered why they were there. “Why don’t you guys all sit down, and I’ll go for a coffee run? There’s a Starbucks in the main lobby, and I know I could use one.”

While Dixon was gone, they all sat in the privacy of the surgical waiting room, conversing quietly, just trying to kill time as they anxiously waited. The whoosh-whoosh of the swinging doors drew their attention to the doorway. Kendall and Agnes leapt up instantly when they saw Dr. Bojani standing there, with Michael close behind, his crutches barely slowing him.

“How is he, Doctor?” Agnes sounded so fearful, it twisted Kendall’s gut.

“Just relax, everyone,” Dr. Bojani looked calm and confident and that helped. “I just wanted to update you quickly on what we found. First of all, Carson is doing fine. He is handling the surgery well… all his vitals are strong and stable. I have some cautiously good news to tell you. The cancer appears to be contained within the wall of the bowel, somewhat into the muscle, but nowhere is there evidence of it advancing through it, so we are much more optimistic than when we started out. We will still remove the lymph nodes that could possibly be affected by their proximity to the cancer itself. The really good news as we see it so far, is that there appears to be enough healthy sigmoid colon remaining after we remove the cancer and a safe margin of healthy tissue, that we feel we can do a resection. Our previous concerns about the rectum were unfounded. We didn't see what we had expected to. It appears healthy and cancer-free so what we're looking at now is that we can safely rejoin what will be left of the descending colon to the remaining sigmoid colon.”

Kendall spoke up, confusion on his face. “What exactly does that mean?”

“What I’m saying is, Dr. Chan feels there will be no need for your father to have a colostomy bag, and I concur. Dr. Chan has had great success with rejoining the two ends of the bowel that are left after we remove the tumor, and not requiring a stoma, or opening in the abdominal wall. Things may change, but as of now we plan to proceed with the resection… there is a danger of leakage and infection but we feel it is minimal, and the right way to proceed. This way will avoid the need for a later operation. We'll watch closely for a few days and if we feel it’s necessary, we will then resort to a stoma. Are there any objections or concerns, Mrs. Dooley, about our new approach?”

Agnes looked a little overwhelmed by the question, so both Kendall and Michael gave her their opinions that what was proposed was the right thing. “You do whatever you think is right, Doctor. I know my husband would certainly be happy with this news.”

“Okay, then, that’s what we will attempt to do. As I said, things could change but I do expect it will be straightforward from here. If we have any trouble, your husband may end up with a temporary colostomy, and we would attempt the resection at a later date, but that would be a better outcome than we initially thought possible. We are ready to remove the tumor now, but it will be a while before Mr. Dooley will be out of surgery. Relax, people, this is all good news… I have to get back now, and as soon as we’re finished, you will be updated.” As he spun around and walked back to the swinging doors, three loud sighs could be heard. Kendall felt like he had been holding his breath for much of the doctor’s explanation.

Dixon returned to witness a three-way hug and quickly made it a four-way as he got the gist of what had happened from three people speaking at once, their relief and excitement evident at the news they’d been given. Kendall saw Dixon's valiant effort, but it was a losing battle, and after a bit of grimacing, he ended up joining them in their tears… they all ended up in silly laughter at the sight they must have been presenting to anyone walking by.

All Kendall could think about, was how happy his father would be to wake up to find he still had a working asshole, and that struck him as amusing. He couldn’t wait to see the look on his proud father’s face, when he learned his cancer appeared more contained than the doctors had thought and that he may have a chance at normal bowel function. He knew from what his mother had told him, it was the thing his father had the most trouble accepting; Kendall was thrilled because it looked like his father wouldn’t have to face the very thing he feared the most. As the Doctor said, things could change, but Kendall wasn’t going to let his mind go there unless it became necessary. He felt Michael’s crutch-free arm wrap around him from behind, and he leaned back into his personal pillar of strength, relishing the comfort it gifted to him. Without Michael, Kendall wouldn’t even have been here; he wouldn’t have the good feelings coursing through him about the family he thought was forever cut off from him. Turning around in that loving embrace, he hugged his man back for all he was worth. “Thank you. I love you so fucking much,” he whispered.

“I know, what’s not to love?” he flashed that sexy, lovable smirk that played with Kendall’s heart every time he witnessed it.

“Not a thing. You are one-hundred percent lovable,” he returned the smirk. “Did what Dr. Bojani told us sound as good to you as it did to me?” This was the little boy, Kendall, asking, and Michael did what he did best… prop his other half up.

“Yes, it did... absolutely. It sounded to me like his prognosis has changed to the best we could have ever hoped for. Carson may just be able to beat this thing, and when he wakes up and finds that everything is intact, he is going to be one happy man.” Michael leaned in and whispered in Kendall’s ear. “You can’t underestimate the importance of being able to take a good crap.” They both chuckled, causing Agnes and Dixon’s ears to perk up.

“What are you two giggling at?”

“Mom, we’re men… we don’t giggle,” Kendall acted indignant and Dixon laughed.

“You won’t say that if you ever meet my husband, and I would suggest you never say that in front of him,” Dixon said with a conspiratorial smile.

“Duly noted, and Mom, we were laughing at how happy dad will be that he can have his usual morning crap.”

Agnes tried to look disappointed in the conversation, but she failed, and ended up laughing at the thought. “The man does enjoy his bathroom time, doesn’t he?”

They all settled down with the coffees and over-sized muffins Dixon had fetched for them, much more relaxed than they had been. Conversation was subdued but pleasant, at least on the surface. There was still an element of trepidation in all of them that the outcome wouldn’t be what they hoped. The doctor had cautioned them.

It was almost 3pm before they saw the doctor again, this time joined by Dr. Chan. They were caught by surprise at their appearance, so used to the waiting had they become. This time they all rose slowly, as both doctors entered the room, no sense of urgency present in Dr. Bojani’s demeanor this time. They waited for him to speak.

“You can all relax now,” Dr. Bojani gave a tired smile. "Everything went very well. Mr. Dooley is in recovery now, and should be in the ICU in about an hour or so. We are pleased to tell you that we were able to do a successful resection and everything looks good. Dr. Chan and I both believe we removed all the cancer along with a good amount of healthy tissue to ensure he has the best possible outcome, but we still recommend the follow-up radiation and chemotherapy to eradicate any cancer cells that may be present. I must caution you that bowel cancer has a habit of coming back, so we must be diligent here. That is why, even though we feel we got it all, we are still suggesting the recommended protocols be followed. There's no room for complacency with bowel cancer. That said we are very pleased with how it presented and what we were able to accomplish. We will be monitoring Mr. Dooley very closely for the next few days; we have to be certain there is no leakage or infection at the site of rejoining, so you can expect his stay could be considerable, until we're certain there is no possibility of setbacks. Any questions?”

The four of them looked at one another. “When can we see him, Doctor Bojani?”

"Once he is transferred to ICU you will be allowed a short visit, Mrs. Dooley, but we'll be keeping him sedated for the next twelve to twenty-four hours so he may not be very responsive. You can go to the ICU waiting room and someone will come for you, once he's settled and we check him once again, okay?”

“Okay, Doctor… will my sons be able to see him too?”

“I will leave word that they can have a quick visit. We really want Mr. Dooley to sleep for the next while. It’s the best thing for him, right now.” Kendall, Michael, and Dixon shook hands with the doctors, thanking them profusely while Agnes hugged both doctors silently, gratitude visible in the tears of relief in her eyes. The doctors left an exhausted but deliriously happy group to sort themselves out. After hugs all round, Dixon excused himself to go back to work. It was plain to see how much he cared about Carson, and Kendall was thankful he got the chance to meet the man who had helped turn his father around. He felt he owed this man a lot… and Michael felt the same. They both told him so.

As Agnes came out of her husband’s room looking calm and much more relaxed, Kendall steeled himself for his turn. He hadn’t known what to expect when he was finally able to see his father, but he was surprised to see him looking so peaceful. They had brought him out from under the anaesthetic, but once they were sure his vitals were good and his recovery was where it should be, the drip was started to keep him sedated and pain-free. The sounds of the machines surrounding his father were not intrusive like he would have expected; instead they were oddly comforting. They were confirmation Carson was alive and being taken care of. It was okay to admit to himself now that Kendall had harbored a very real fear his father would not survive such a major operation. Standing there in his personal solitude, he felt unbidden tears spill from his eyes and slide down his worn-out face. They were tears of release as he let the relief wash over him. Stepping closer, he took his dad’s hand in his… and was startled to see his gray-blue eyes slowly open. It took a while for them to focus, but when they did, he attempted a very weak smile for his son. It was enough for Kendall.

“Don’t cry,” Carson managed to squeak out.

“I’m crying because I’m happy, Dad, and you’re not supposed to talk yet. Do you know how well everything turned out?”

Carson just blinked.

“You’re not going to die. They got it all, and you don’t have a colostomy bag… you can still take a crap, Dad.” Tears still fell as he watched the little smile reappear before Carson’s heavy eyes slid shut.

“I love you,” Kendall told him, but Carson was already out of it again. He stood there holding his hand for a few more minutes, just watching him breathe. Silently, he thanked a God he’d never paid much attention to, for giving him back his father, and asked him to please let him keep him.

The nurse sitting in the corner of the room cleared her throat, getting Kendall’s attention. She gave him a warm smile as she indicated it was time for him to leave. Kendall wasn’t ready to let go just yet, so he held up his hand in request for five more minutes, and she nodded a hesitant yes, after searching his tear-streaked face. He whispered a thank you as he pulled a chair close to the bed and sat down. He stared at his dad, enjoying the special intimacy of the moment before he laid his head down on the hand he held in his, letting his love for his father all the way out.