Cards on the Table - 4. Chapter 4 Up the Ante

Chapter 4

Kendall woke Sunday morning to the sound of driving rain on his bedroom window. Unlike the day before, he felt alert and rested. Gone was the listlessness and self-pity he'd been wallowing in. Yesterday had been an exercise in killing time. He didn't venture outside at all. He didn't even shower. He moped. He'd thought he had already exposed himself completely to Michael, so he wasn't prepared for the raw vulnerability that claimed him after he answered Michael's pointed question. 'When did he fall in love with him?' He didn't just answer it; he'd relived it.

Making a pot of coffee had been his answer for breakfast. For supper he'd had pizza delivered in the late afternoon. Without thinking, he went through the motions, and ordered pepperoni, mushroom and green pepper. He hated green pepper, but Michael loved it, and since Michael always ate the most, he'd always ordered it that way... and picked the bigger pieces off his slices. He felt really stupid when it arrived. He should have been angry at himself, but the fact was, he just couldn't find the energy to call up any strong emotion. At least he didn't cry.

But that was yesterday. He wouldn't be checking his phone all day today. He wouldn't be looking out the window, wishing for a navy blue Chevy Silverado to pull into visitor parking. He wasn't going to wonder what Michael had thought when he hung up on him like that. He wouldn't think about losing it all over again. He wouldn't be wondering what or how the man was doing. He wasn't going to stare at a blank television screen because all his DVD's were ones he and Michael had watched over and over again. And he wouldn't be ordering any fucking green pepper on a fucking pizza. No, he was going to get up, shower, shave, and get the hell out of here. He hadn't been to the gym since Thursday morning, so he wasn't going to miss another day, and was looking forward to a punishing, mind-numbing workout.

Getting out of bed with purpose, he headed naked to the bathroom. As he started his shaving ritual... hot steamy face cloth, lathering up, steamy face cloth again, and then more lather... he looked down to greet the penis staring up at him. "Hello, big fella... do you want something? What's it been? Three, four days?" Kendall could feel that familiar, heavy ache in his nuts demanding attention. Blue balls. Nothing like it. It felt good and bad at the same time; mostly bad. They were a reminder that you had nuts, and if you ignored them, they had ways of making you pay. "Be patient, buddy, gotta shave first."

Kendall started humming as he made short work of the two day old beard, feeling good about having a plan. It was the first time since Thursday he felt somewhat like himself, as if a blocked pressure valve had finally opened up. Stepping into the shower, he had two goals in mind... get clean, and relieve the ache, and not in that order. Gripping a cock that was showing its anticipation by jerking and throbbing before he even touched it, Kendall let out a moan, knowing this wasn't going to be any kind of marathon. He was already close. Five, six, seven strokes with one hand while he cradled his tender nuts with the other, he was halfway there. As much as he tried to fight it, it was inevitable that an image of Michael, this time naked in the shower at the gym... oh yeah, a rear view... insisted on taking over the part of his brain experiencing intense pleasure. Seven, eight, nine, ahhh ten more strokes, and he gripped below the big head as cum exploded everywhere, his cock pulsing with aftershock after aftershock. Fuck, that was quick. A few deep breaths later and he forced himself to push the erotic image away, using the handheld attachment to rinse off the cum on the shower walls. Man, did he need that. He couldn't deny the release was intense, and good, but it also felt like a chore he had to get out of the way. Somehow, he needed to replace those images, but so far, for as long as he could remember, they were the only ones that worked. If he was being honest, the idea of replacing those images of his best friend... ex best friend... scared the hell out of him.

Twenty minutes later he was headed out the door, gym bag over his shoulder, ready to get on with his life. Heading straight for the "Coffee Emporium", he pulled into the parking lot. It didn't feel right. Despite no chance of an awkward meeting, it still hit him as their place. Was he being stupid? He got out of Beauty and headed for the door. Stopping, he turned around and got back in his truck, annoyed yet pleased at himself, and drove out. Time to start new habits. McDonalds had coffee. He would give that a try.

He wasn't disappointed as he scarfed down a Bagel BLT, and sipped some pretty decent coffee, considering. It wasn't the Emporium's superior brew, but the fact he and Michael had never been here made it much more palatable. Hoping the Bagel would sit well during the workout he had planned, he headed out for the gym. Pulling up to "The Spectrum", he experienced the same feeling he had at the Emporium. This was ridiculous, he told himself. There were only so many decent gyms in the area. It was here, or a fuck of a long drive. Besides, his membership was paid till January. Kendall sat for a couple of minutes, sighed, and got out. He wondered where Michael's new gym was, and how much money he'd forfeited for changing. More guilt.

Entering through the front door, he was hit with that familiar, welcome smell of lemony disinfectant mixed with the smell of men working out. Clean but real, and a much nicer smell than the memory of his high school gym. He couldn't help looking around for his best friend, both relieved and disappointed he wasn't there. Still, this felt like home. They... he had been coming here for almost four years now. It was bright and well organized, even somewhat cheery. He swiped his card at the front desk as Sandy came around the corner.

"Hey, Kendall, I figured you'd be here soon. Michael with you?"

"Hey, Sandy. No, afraid not."

"How come? It's Sunday."

He froze up at the question, not knowing what to say. Sandy stared at him, waiting for an answer. They almost always came here together on Sunday mornings. It was a perfectly logical question from someone they both knew well, but it didn't make it any easier to answer. "He, uh... I think he changed gyms... he wanted to try somewhere new." It sounded awkward to his own ears, and he could feel his face turning beet red. He didn't want to lie, but he didn't want to talk about it either.

"Oh, wow. Really? That's too bad. He was such a great guy. I'm so sorry."

Sandy's embarrassment was proof she could read Kendall's discomfort. "It's okay, Sandy, he didn't die or anything." He gave her the best smile he could as he walked away and over to the men's locker room. Holy fuck, that was painful. Everyone knew them as, like, the dynamic duo. They'd even been referred to as Batman and Robin a few times by both employees and patrons.

Pushing the spring-loaded door open, he entered the locker room and headed towards his usual spot. He ignored the urge to pick a different one this time, and sat down in front of his normal bank of lockers. It was a little disconcerting to realize he was probably going to field questions about Michael's absence for a while. In for a penny, in for a pound went through his head. As unpleasant as it might be, he would just have to brave the storm as long as it lasted.

Thankfully it wasn't very busy yet. There were only a couple of guys here so far, and they were in the showers. Figuring it was prudent to hurry, he was changed and stuffing his clothes and bag in one of the lockers in a couple of minutes. He made sure he had the two required quarters before pulling out the key and pinning it to his white "Gym Shark" tank top.

Entering the gym proper, he saw he pretty much had the place to himself. There was a guy he sort of recognized, sitting at the bench press, obviously resting between sets. A couple of older guys were utilizing the universals... weekend warriors, Michael would call them. Kendall winced at how much the man invaded his thoughts. Four women were doing cardio at the far end, while one out of shape, brave soul was doing lat pull-downs behind his neck. Chances were, that was going to do some damage. Kendall pointed it out with a hand motion to the trainer working with the women. He was walking over to the guy as Kendall turned away.

"Hey, uh, Kendall isn't it?" The bench press guy was talking to him.

"Yeah, that's right. Do I know you?"

"Nope, you don't know me but I see you and your friend in here all the time. The black-haired guy... Michael, right?"

Dammit. Michael again. "Uh huh. So, did you need a spotter?"

"Good call." He smiled showing perfect white teeth. "That's exactly what I need. I think I'm going to need help with this last set... almost didn't get the last rep up. Do you mind?"

He couldn't help noticing this guy was smoking hot... and built. Not in Michael's league, but not too far off. He wasn't sure if he was okay with these thoughts entering his head.

"So, can you spot me or not?"

Kendall clued in that he hadn't answered the guy. "Shit, I'm sorry. I kind of zoned out there. No problem. Glad to help uh... ?"

"Chet... name's Chet. Nice to actually meet you, Kendall. I've been coming here for about a year now." He held out a big hand to him, and he shook it firmly. He felt a little embarrassed that he had never bothered to talk to this guy before, but Kendall seldom noticed anyone else when Michael was around. Not anymore, though.

"Nice to meet you too, Chet." He found himself staring into vivid green eyes. They seemed to shine as he smiled. He returned the smile and found himself thinking two things. Those were really nice eyes... and thank God they weren't blue.

After spotting for him, he went ahead with his stretching and warm up, the whole time aware of where the man was and what he was doing. Conflicted feelings were running through him. He got a vibe from the guy, but wasn't sure what it was. Every so often he could feel his gaze, which made him a little nervous. Or was it excited? He felt so out of his element, just thinking about even maybe being attracted to someone other than Michael. There was no doubt he was a good-looking man, maybe Kendall's age or a little older. His light brown hair was almost short enough to be military, and the stubble on his face accentuated the dimples on his cheeks and the one on his chin. You didn't have to be gay to recognize the guy's masculine appeal. Judging from his body, he spent a lot of time here.

Just like he'd promised himself, his workout was a brutal one, with almost no rest between sets. As he was getting ready for his third set on bench press, Chet showed up without asking to help him get in the last couple of reps. "Are you trying to kill yourself? That was a hell of a workout, even for you."

"Even for me?" He was breathing pretty heavy, but that comment confused him.

"Well, yeah. I mean you and your friend always work out pretty hard, but that seemed kind of extreme. You got some demons chasing you?"

Kendall had seen a concerned look like that many times, just on a different face. "I'm not done yet. And no, no demons... just some guilt for missing a few days." With that, he headed over to the preacher's bench to punish his biceps. That question had struck way too close to home.

"Okay. Well, if it's any consolation, you don't look like you've missed any time at all. If you still need a spotter, I'll stick around. Otherwise, I'm done." Okay, that was obvious flattery. He stood there until Kendall met his eyes.

"Thanks. This is my last set for the day. I'm pretty done in." The burn from the last couple of reps was excruciating, but it felt good. He looked away. He looked back.

"Okay, well, hopefully I'll be seeing you around. Maybe we can work out together sometime? If you want, I mean?" Those eyes seemed to be searching his face for something.

"Yeah, that would be cool. Working out alone can get boring. Nice meeting you, man, and thanks for your help."

"Back at ya. How about I give you my card in the locker room. You can call me and we'll set something up. You heading in soon?"

"Yup, I'll be right there." Kendall was surprised at how at ease he was now. Even the intense looks weren't bothering him. Any kind of nervousness was gone and he found himself intrigued by the guy. He even liked his voice. Kendall watched the man as he walked away and went through the locker room door. He wasn't sure what he was feeling exactly, but he was pretty sure Chet was interested in him. There was something in those vibrant eyes when he looked at Kendall, like he was trying to send him a message. If he was right and that was the case, he wasn't sure whether he wanted to receive it. Today was about moving on, though. He laid everything out for Michael so he could do just that. The only thing stopping him from doing it was himself. Deep in thought, he headed for the changing room.

The changing area was empty, but he could hear the shower running, indicating where Chet was. Kendall was uncertain whether to join him or clean up at home. Normally, he wouldn't think twice, so why now? He knew why, and he didn't like it. Chet was just a guy at the gym. Decision made, he stripped and headed for the showers. Leaving one shower-head between them, he went about his business. Squeezing out some of his body wash, he lathered up from head to toe, noticing Chet noticing him. Quick, subtle glances went back and force as they engaged in small talk about how good the hot water felt, how clean the gym was, and whether the rain was going to last.

Rinsing off, they were done at the same time, and returned to the changing area to get dressed, Kendall on one side and Chet on the other. The light conversation continued as they proceeded to get dressed, and the interaction got more relaxed. Kendall found himself really enjoying chatting with this guy, and it had little to do with how impressive Chet looked naked. He came across as easy going, friendly, and genuine. To be honest, he conducted himself a lot like Michael. In no time at all, they were fully dressed and standing face to face, discussing hockey and another season of probably futile hope for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Kendall was almost reluctant to leave and it was obvious the other man was feeling the same.

"So what do you say we grab a coffee before we go our separate ways?" Chet's question caught Kendall off guard, but it seemed right to agree with the idea.

"That sounds like a plan. Caffeine is good for encouraging muscle growth following a workout, or so I've been told."

Chet nodded in agreement.

"Anywhere in mind?"

"I've heard the same thing. Yeah, how about you follow me? It's not very far from here."

They walked out together, chatting like old friends, waving good bye to Sandy, who was across the room, wiping down equipment. Walking to their vehicles, tripping over each other's sentences and laughing, Chet stopped, unzipped a pocket of his gym bag, and pulled out a business card that he handed to Kendall. "Just in case I forget while I'm yammering your ear off."

Kendall laughed and took the card, sticking it in the top pocket of his over-shirt.

Chet continued over to a sweet-looking, white Jeep Cherokee with really nice wheels. "Follow me and try to keep up," he said with a grin.

That earned him a snort from Kendall as he climbed up into Beauty. Waiting for the man to get it in gear, he pulled the card out of his pocket to read 'Chet Little-Architectural Design'. Kendall laughed out loud at that, as he watched him back out of his parking space. There was nothing 'little' about Chet. Kendall actually blushed at that thought.

Five minutes later, Chet pulled into the Coffee Emporium, with Kendall close behind. He'd figured out where they were headed, but it was too late to back out. A shiver of dread went through him, which pissed him off. He was reacting like a little kid, afraid of the big bad boogie man, and that was just bullshit. His anger at himself helped him get out of the truck.

"Have you ever checked this place out?"

"Yeah, Michael and I used to come here a lot." His body was filled with tension, and Chet was an idiot if he couldn't see it.

"Oh good, so you know how great the coffee is, then."

Kendall was relieved his new friend wasn't commenting on the fact he was obviously struggling with something. "Yeah, it's the best. Their Kona blend is my favorite. They must do something right in Hawaii."

"Okay, let's go in. It's my treat. I might indulge in one of their cheese and bacon tea biscuits. I have a weakness for those, I'm ashamed to say."

"You are not alone. They melt in your mouth, with a little butter on them."

Standing at the counter, as Chet did the ordering for them, Kendall's eyes drifted over to his and Michael's favorite spot, and a feeling rose up in him that could only be described as guilt. He almost felt like he was cheating on Michael, which was really dumb-ass stupid. He turned his head back around to pull his focus from memories he didn't need to revisit. He had to keep in mind that his life was different now.

"Let's grab a seat. Do you want to fix up your coffee, first? I take mine black.

"No, I'm good, black for me too." He balked when Chet headed towards that corner. The man's response was to turn and raise his eyebrows in question.

"Do you mind if we sit over on this side?" Kendall asked, indicating the opposite end.

"No problem. The sun's out now, though, so I thought you might want to sit where it's sunnier."

"I'd rather not, if you don't mind."

Nodding agreement, he headed for the other side and stopped at a table. "How about here?"

Kendall felt stupid. When was this going to get easier? "This is great. Sorry about that." Kendall studied his buttered tea biscuit and avoided the stare directed at him.

"Kendall?" Chet waited for him to look up, compassion showing on his face. "Are you uncomfortable here? Bad memories or...?"

He groaned. "No. Good ones actually. Why do you ask?" Was he actually wanting this conversation?

Sighing, he met Kendall's gaze head on. "Look, ah... I like you. You seem like a really great guy, and I don't want to pry or overstep, so tell me to fuck off if you want too, but something's wrong and I think I have an idea what it is. If you don't mind me asking, did you and your friend have a falling out?"

Kendall did want to tell him to fuck off for a brief moment, but he didn't. This whole thing, no matter how hard he tried, was weighing him down. He made a decision. No more hiding. "I don't mind," he said, sighing quietly. Taking in a deep breath, he continued. "Not a falling out... but we're not really friends anymore. I told him we needed to stop hanging out together, and I'm feeling really bad about it."

"Okay, I know I am prying, but are you guys more than friends?"

The question was unexpected, and a little unnerving. In for a penny, in for a pound. He should make that his new mantra. "Ah, no, definitely not." Kendall hesitated before continuing. "Michael is straight." Outing himself was quickly becoming a habit.

"And you're not." Not a question.

"Nope."

"Me neither." They locked eyes in understanding and Kendall figured this wasn't so bad after all. Chet smiled and he returned it. "Does Michael know?"

"Yeah, I told him on Thursday... finally."

"Did he take it bad?"

"No, not at all... quite well, all things considered. He's an amazing guy and the best friend anyone could ask for."

"Then what's the problem. Why can't you be friends anymore if he took it well and has no problem with you being gay?"

"The thing is, it's complicated." Here we go again, he thought. "I'm in love with Michael and have been for a long time, and I need to get over him... and I can't do it when I see him all the time." When did he start pouring his heart out to relative strangers, and was that disappointment on the other man's face?

"Does Michael know that part... how you feel about him?"

"Yeah, he does. I confessed that on Thursday too." Double whammy.

"How did that go over? Did he freak out?"

Kendall was surprised at the question, like it was a foregone conclusion that he wouldn't be cool with Kendall's truth. It made him feel defensive of his best friend. "No, the opposite really. He took it really well and he's being very supportive. You don't know him. Michael is an amazing guy with this huge heart and he would do anything for me if I asked him. Even if I don't ask him," he mumbled.

"If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been out then?"

Kendall smirked, "Since Thursday evening. You are the second person to know... and I can hardly believe I told you... but I'm glad I did. Now you know the reason I didn't want to sit in that corner. That's where Michael and I always sat if it was available, and it just feels too soon, I guess." Kendall watched Chet give him an understanding nod. "So what about you? How long have you been out? Or are you?"

"Yeah, I am. Since I was twenty, so seven years now. It gets a lot easier as time goes by. I think we're lucky we live in the times we do. All in all, people are pretty accepting, you know?"

Kendall nodded, not really concerned with being accepted.

"So, I am guessing you don't have any gay friends?"

Kendall shook his head no.

"Do you want one? A hot, hunky one?"

Kendall burst out laughing. "Who said you were hot and hunky?"

Chet gave him an amusingly arrogant look. "Everyone."

Kendall snorted, rolling his eyes at the same time, and they both laughed.

He felt good when they left the Emporium. They had sat and talked about all kinds of things as one topic led to another, and one coffee led to two. Before they knew it, it was four in the afternoon and both needed to get going. They chatted a bit more in the parking lot like old friends, and then Chet punched Kendall's number into his phone with a promise to get in touch and plan something out. Kendall went to shake hands good bye, but Chet pulled him into a hug instead. It felt nice as he hugged back. It wasn't like a hug from Michael, but it was nice... and he'd be lying if he said his cock had no reaction.

Chet climbed into his Jeep, feeling good about the time he spent getting to know Kendall. God, the guy was gorgeous... seeing those turquoise eyes in sunlight for the first time was something he would never forget. And that big beautiful smile with those full, perfectly shaped lips was something he could get addicted to. The control he had to exert when Kendall joined him in the shower was tenuous at best. The man was a walking work of art, blessed in every way, and it took every mental trick he knew, not to get hard at the sight of him. Kendall needed a friend, and he wanted to be that for him, but he would be treading in dangerous waters. He would just have to put his feelings, and possibly his heart, to one side for now. The last thing the guy needed right now was pressure from him. He was a hurting unit, and he might be that way for a good long while. His love for Michael seemed to ooze out of his pores, and he was smart enough to know that at this point, there was no way he could compete with that. Friends it was... at least for now.

Kendall was experiencing a multitude of emotions as he stretched out on his couch. It had been an interesting day. He felt good about meeting Chet, but it unsettled him at the same time. He was obviously a great guy, sweet even, and there was no doubt Kendall responded to him physically. That was the problem, though. He had a hard time controlling his reactions in the shower, with a naked Chet present, and his body had reacted when they hugged. Emotionally, however, he just thought of him as a really great guy, and he felt guilty about that. The more they had talked, the more he could tell how the green-eyed man felt about him. He was into him in a big way and Kendall understood what it was like to have those kind of feelings.

He was so new to this that he went from thought to thought, gaining no clear perspective. Was he ready for sex with a man? A man that wasn't Michael? Was sex enough? Could he be somebody's fuck buddy? How did Chet look at these things? Was he looking for sex? For just sex? Would he accept just friendship? Did he have one night stands or one-week stands like Michael did? Did he fall in and out of love easily? Fuck; maybe he had a boyfriend. Maybe he just got out of a relationship. Hell, Kendall had never even kissed a guy. How many guys had Chet kissed? God Dammit, Kendall! Calm the fuck down!

Rising to make a sandwich, he mentally chastised himself for how complicated his thinking was getting. The bottom line was he had met somebody he could see being friends with. And the guy happened to be gay. But, he was a nice guy first and someone Kendall felt he could trust. That they had the gay thing in common was secondary. It didn't mean they should automatically start fucking or planning a wedding. Finding a new friend like Chet was a small step towards moving on, and that's all he wanted to accomplish today. Just move towards having a new life, one that didn't revolve around a man who couldn't love him the way he needed.

Maybe he'd found a new workout buddy. If that was the case, it would be enough. For now, anyway. If he could find a new friend then maybe he could find someone he could eventually love... someone who would love him back. That idea was something he could hold on to, something he could hope for. Optimism was creeping into his head and it wouldn't let him rule out Chet as a possibility down the road. Imagine that. He smiled, feeling better than he had in a long time. Maybe he'd done the right thing after all. Michael was still very much present in his mind, he wouldn't kid himself, but maybe, just maybe, he was turning a corner.

After a couple of hours of mindless television, he decided to make it an early night. Turning out the lights, he headed for bed. He'd just finished brushing his teeth when he heard the text alert from his phone. Expecting it might be Michael, he picked his phone up... it wasn't him. A text from Chet had arrived.

"Had a great time today... feel like I made a new friend."

"Same here. Thanks for the coffee - my turn next." He put his phone down and turned away, when the alert went off again.

"Deal." Kendall chuckled and went to bed.

Stretching out and yawning, he laid his head down on the pillow and closed very heavy eyes. Sleep was going to come easily tonight. His last thought was, 'I wonder what Michael did today?'