Cards on the Table - 18. Chapter 18 Shuffle

Cards on the Table

Chapter 18

It was almost 8pm when they pulled into the Dooley driveway. After calling Agnes at seven to let her know they planned on arriving at her suggested time, they were leisurely in getting ready. The nap was just what Kendall and Michael needed to recharge their happily depleted energies, both mental and physical. Waking up beside Michael was always a blissful, and often amusing experience for Kendall, and this evening had been no different.

Kendall had to smile at the erection lifting up the light sheet barely covering them. Michael, the horn-dog, was in the house. A little chuckle caused Michael to stir, immediately reaching for his partner while slumber still had a tenuous hold on him. Pulling Kendall closer, he murmured something unintelligible.

“What, Ace?”

Michael’s blue, blue eyes popped open. “What?”

“You said something, but I couldn’t make it out.”

Michael was semi-awake now. “I said I love you.” He closed those amazing eyes again.

“You are such a liar.” Kendall snuggled in against his hunky man.

“What? Why would you say such a thing, Babe?” Michael kissed the tip of Kendall’s nose after he turned to face his golden-haired lover. “You know I love you.”

“And I love you, but you have no idea what you said because you were still sleeping,” Kendall teased. Sliding his hand downward, he palmed the erection pointed at him. “Is this the same one you went to sleep with?”

“See, that just proves I was telling the truth. I must’ve been thinking about you if I’m hard.” Michael’s whine was so sexy when it was laced with the hoarseness of residual sleep.

“Nice save. Now I believe you,” he smirked. “So this has nothing to do with you needing to take a piss, then?” Kendall’s grip became a stroke.

Michael hesitated. “Well, I have to now, but that’s cause you mentioned .”

“Uh huh, right.” Kendall rolled his eyes and then kissed the big lovable guy with the big lovable hard-on. Squeezing his erection, Kendall said, “You can go pee now.”

Michael leapt from the bed with a big grin and Kendall laughed at how good his partner made him feel. He wouldn’t change a thing about what they had together.

The front door opened to reveal a happy, more rested looking Agnes, so transparent in her eagerness to see them again. Michael would guess she had some doubts about them returning this evening until she got the actual phone call from Kendall. Her confidence may be precarious still, but she would get there… Michael would make sure of it. Seeing her standing there, anxious for them to enter the house, he was struck again by how much Kendall resembled her. The unique turquoise, and the gold with the same reddish tinge in certain light, as well as the refined features Kendall carried so well… all originated with her. It was funny how he and Kendall both resembled their mothers so much. What they’d inherited from their fathers was their large stature, both sets of men being big-framed. With Agnes’ looks so similar to his partner’s, Michael knew she could very easily wrap him around her little finger. He found he already had a soft spot for the sweet and lovely woman. Any reservations he’d harbored before meeting her were gone.

The inside greeted them with welcome warmth and the delicious smell of baked lasagna, and what Michael assumed could only be the aroma of buttery garlic bread. His mouth watered from the anticipation, hunger clawing his stomach. In their need to connect they had neglected to eat. Michael waited his turn while Kendall received his kiss and hug. It was a beautiful thing to watch his partner gently hug his mother, knowing how much it meant to each of them. When it was time for him to hug Agnes, Kendall beamed at the sight.

“Where’s Dad? Is he up to having supper with us?” Kendall looked around for his father.

“Och, yes, Kendall; he can’t eat what we eat though. It’s soft foods only for him so the inflammation stays down. He told me to tell you he’ll be out shortly. Your dad’s awake but he’s been resting. He was up for a little while, earlier, and he seemed in pretty good spirits… at least, compared to the way he’s been lately.”

“Are you talking about me, Mother?” Carson was walking towards them from the hallway, his look indecipherable to Michael and Kendall.

“Yes, I was. Your son was asking about you. He wanted to know if you were up to joining us for supper.”

“Of course I’m up to it. I’m not an invalid for God’s sake.” His previously blank face was covered with a scowl that set warning bells off in Kendall’s mind, and he raised his eyebrows at the brusque attitude Carson was displaying.

“No one said you were, Dad.” The measured look he gave his father was resolute with his intention to match whatever was directed at him.

Carson sighed. “I’m sorry… that came out wrong. I’m, well, to tell you the truth, I’m having some pain and it’s making me grumpy, but I don’t want to take anything yet because the pills make it hard for me to carry on a conversation.” He looked genuinely contrite as the previous scowl disappeared.

Kendall softened at the thought of the pain his father was experiencing. He had heard and read enough to know cancer pain was extremely severe at times, and that thought drove away his own ready-to-pounce attitude. “Dad, please take something if you need to. We don’t expect you to entertain us or carry on a conversation if it’s hard on you.” The concern on Kendall’s face reached something inside Carson, and he wavered, embarrassed by the front he’d tried to put on.

“I will soon, don’t worry. I may not be the best company tonight, but I want to have a little time with you before I give in, okay?” He managed a small, almost nervous smile. “It’s been a long time since we sat down to dinner as a family in this house… or anywhere.” He visibly deflated at that statement, as if giving voice to the fact had struck him a mental blow. Kendall heard the long, faint sigh that escaped his father. “Let’s go sit in the dining room. Poor Michael is standing there on his crutches while we yap away.”

Agnes, looking relieved, headed out to the aroma-laden kitchen.

“I’m fine, Carson,” Michael held out his hand, the crutch balanced easily under his arm. “It’s good to see you again. I hope your rest was as good as ours was, sir.” He shot a quick smirk at Kendall, and watched his partner turn a little red.

Carson gripped his hand, relieved Michael wasn’t so forceful this time. There was no misunderstanding the message behind his previous handshake. He sure was a big strong fucker, Carson thought ruefully, pulling his this-time undamaged hand back.

Kendall was taken aback when his father held that same hand out to him, and he took it tentatively in his, unused to the respect it represented from Carson Dooley. Who was this guy?

“It’s good to have you home, Son. Thank you for staying, you and Michael both,” he directed a look at Michael, who returned it with a nod. “It means a lot to your mother and me.”

Whoever this guy was, he was certainly trying. Regaining his composure somewhat, Kendall went with the gesture his dad was making. “Thanks. It’s good to be here. You gave me a lot to think about in our talk today.” Their eyes met and held, each showing the other they were open to the changes they were attempting, the issues they were trying to get past.

Michael took it all in with no expression visible on his face to show how very pleased he was inside. He knew better than anyone in the house, including Kendall… this was something his other half desperately needed. Michael was here if he needed him, but this was mostly between Kendall and his father. Carson was full of surprises, and Michael was happy to see it, but he was still an unknown quantity. He just hoped Kendall could learn to trust the changes in the man, and that he was worthy of that trust.

It was very pleasant in the dining room, and Kendall allowed memories to roll over him of Sunday dinners, a family ritual that was usually quiet and reserved. That father, the one he knew so well, didn’t like much talk during meals, so it was a place Kendall used to find intimidating… a place to be careful in his behavior. Looking at it now, he realized he hadn’t ever noticed how pretty the room actually was. Everything in the room was warm and polished, showing loving care and attention, proof that his mother had tried to make them a nice home. The coldness he remembered as a child didn’t fit with this room. In fact, when Kendall thought about it, it didn’t fit with any of the house. Kendall finally allowed himself to see the same thing Michael saw when he first entered the house. A lot of his mother had gone into the making of a cheery home, despite the previous tyranny of her husband. Those memories were almost surreal when transposed over the man sitting here now.

Agnes had placed Kendall and Michael’s dinner settings beside one another, knowing instinctively they would want to be close together, while she and Carson would sit at each end of the gleaming red-mahogany table. Kendall was helping Michael get situated when Agnes came bustling into the room carrying a large bowl of salad, already mixed with her son’s favorite Catalina style dressing, a tangy one she made from scratch. They were instructed to help themselves as she went back out to retrieve a bowl of thick homemade pea soup for her husband. Michael was frustrated he couldn’t offer his help, but he could see Agnes was in her glory, as evidenced by the proud smile on her face when she brought in a pan of delicious looking lasagna. Kendall, though, did run out and grab the baskets of garlic bread, and was back before she could protest too much. They all settled in to eat after that, with Michael and Kendall exclaiming their pleasure at the perfection of the shallow pan lasagna, the crispiness of the edges indeed adding something extra to the rich flavor. This could compete with Colleen’s wondrous meatloaf, but neither one would ever tell her that.

Though nothing was being said about it, this was a watershed moment for the Dooley family as the simple act of breaking bread together served to initiate a process everyone at the table hoped would begin a healing. There were the usual pleasantries directed at Agnes about the meal, and in general about the weather, their flight in, and the woes of the Calgary Flames and Toronto Maple Leaf hockey teams. Serious issues were ignored at the beginning as they all acclimatized themselves to the interactions of a family once again. There was a difference this time, and that difference sat at the head of the table, engaging in the small talk with a discernible measure of enjoyment. Cop shop-talk with Michael, sitting nearest to Carson, sounded to Kendall like it was going well. It was apparent everyone, including his father, found it easy to relate to his partner. He was engaged in the entertainment of his mother as she had all kinds of questions for him. He and Michael both noted Carson’s interest in Kendall’s answers to his mother’s steady barrage of questions. As the meal wound down, Kendall became concerned when he saw the occasional fleeting winces, indicating pain, appear on his father’s face. Carson had only made it through about three-quarters of his soup.

“Is that all you’re going to eat, Dad?”

“Yes, I’m feeling pretty full now.” Carson noticed the concern on his son’s face. “It’s fine… eating small meals more often is easier on me and I still eat well, don’t I, Mother?” There was an audible strain in Carson’s voice.

“Yes, you do. You’ve done very well at eating enough to keep your strength up. He’s following doctor’s orders, Kendall.”

“What about the pain now? Are you okay?”

“God, don’t go sounding like your mother now,” Carson barked. “I don’t want to be reminded that I’m sick tonight, so just leave it be. I just want to enjoy a damn dinner.” He let out a frustrated sigh and looked away from everyone, studying the sideboard.

Kendall was a little surprised at the vehemence, but he persisted. “Is this you being grumpy from the pain? If it is please take something.” Kendall’s voice vibrated a little and Michael reached over, grabbing his hand and holding it.

Agnes saw Michael’s gesture as she watched the interaction taking place in front of her. Michael was fascinated, watching the ill man fight his irritation. Was it the cancer, or the old Carson rearing his ugly head? His thumb continually stroked Kendall’s hand as Kendall waited for a response. It was like Agnes was holding her breath, as if she was unsure which Carson would show up.

Carson’s eyes came back to the table, and he met those of Kendall’s. “Look, son, I appreciate your concern, and I’ll take something soon. I didn’t mean to snap at you. Old habits die hard, and I’ve got a lot of bad ones, thanks to my old man.” He really did look contrite, and the shame radiated from him. “I hate talking about the cancer. It’s hard sometimes and I get angry, and to tell you the truth, I start feeling sorry for myself, and that makes me mad as hell. You know I’m not good at talking about certain things, and this is one of them. I just want to forget I have it, but I can’t. I’m sorry.” Carson looked downward, fighting to hold in strong emotions; he fooled no one.

Kendall studied his father’s beaten demeanor, and recognized the effort Carson was putting into this battle for his family, and even for his life. “It’s all right... you don’t have to apologize… I appreciate you telling me how you’re feeling about it, and I understand you must be tired of dealing with it, but… I’m here for you. I’m going to see this through with you, we all are. I’m not going to go away. Michael and I are staying here as long as you need us.” He squeezed his partner’s hand and it was returned. “Can I get your pills for you, Dad?”

Carson first inclination was to turn down his son’s request and insist on getting his own pills, being typical of his often cantankerous nature, but he saw the look on Kendall’s face… a son’s face showing a need to help his dad in any way he could, and it brought back memories of the little boy he so adored. God, what a fool he’d been. Maybe he didn’t deserve it, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to turn that look down. “Sure, if you don’t mind… that would be great. They’re in the tallest bottle on my nightstand… I think I’ll need two of them, please.” The warmth the memories and the gesture bought to Carson’s eyes succeeded in bringing tears to his wife’s. She saw the struggle her husband had just won. Michael reached over and gave her hand a gentle squeeze after Kendall left for the medication.

Wiping away the tears, Agnes stared at her husband. “You’re doing good, my love.” It was an intimate moment Michael was privy to, but it didn’t make him the least bit uncomfortable. These were the people who’d made his Kendall, and they were his family now. Kendall was back in no time, handing the pills to his father, along with a glass of water. Michael was caught up in how such a simple act could be so beautifully poignant, and at that moment he could picture the love of his life as a little boy anxious to please his daddy. That thought brought him a little sadness for the young Kendall.

When Kendall sat back down, he immediately took Michael’s hand back in his, and settled in his chair in such a way that their shoulders were touching. The atmosphere in the cozy dining room had changed somehow, as if tension no one cared to acknowledge, had left. Kendall felt the beginning of an understanding between himself and Carson, one there was no need to talk about… a silent agreement confirming they were father and son again. It was fragile… it could be destroyed with a few wrong words, but it was there. A simple offer to help, and acceptance of that help, was the final piece in getting them to this point.

“So, Michael, what does your father do for a living?” Carson’s interest appeared genuine, his mood improved, as he waited for the pills to take effect.

“He, and a friend of his. own an auto parts store in Markham, Ontario. It’s a busy place in a well-populated area. He worked for General Motors for twenty-five years, and once he had his pension secured, he decided he wanted to be his own boss, and it’s been working out really well for him. He’s a lot more content with what he’s doing now, so we’re really happy for him, aren’t we, Babe?” Michael was pleased to see that calling Kendall ‘babe’ had no effect on Carson, and that told him a lot about his earlier declarations, and the truth of them. In his estimation, the acceptance of his and Kendall’s relationship wasn’t a sham.

“For sure, Pop’s a really good guy. I think you’d like him, Dad. He’s easygoing, and funny whenever he gets around to talking,” Kendall smirked at Michael. “He’s a solid, stand-up guy, someone you can always count on.”

Carson was quiet at that. Very quiet. He pretended to be interested in his soup as if stalling for time. “So you call him Pop, Kendall?” It was said in a very low tone, and there was a hint of hurt in the question. Kendall looked at Michael, and before he could respond, Agnes cleared her throat, causing them to turn their concerned attention to her.

Agnes had been quiet too. “Lad, what do you call Michael’s mom… Colleen is it?” there was no missing the trepidation she showed in asking the question, and Kendall felt trapped.

Kendall could feel both pair of eyes on him as he answered. “I call her mom now, Mom. She’s an amazing woman, and she has welcomed me into the family from the first time I met her. You would like her.” Kendall looked at Michael… he was at a loss for words as he realized the effect this information was having on his parents.

“I’m sure she’s a lovely woman, and I’m glad you could find someone who could be a mother to you since I wasn’t there for you for such a long time.” His mother’s attempt to be gracious and brave made Kendall feel terrible. Carson hadn’t said another word.

“It’s not like that, Mom… Dad. I wasn’t replacing you. I admit I was pretty hurt by what went down between us. I didn’t feel like I had a family anymore, so yeah, Colleen and Big Mike sort of filled that role. They treated me like another son, and I’m very thankful for that… but it wasn’t about replacing you. It was about moving on and being able to function after I was cut off from my own family.” Kendall watched his mother’s eyes fill up, and wanted to crawl under the table. This wasn’t the way he wanted things to go. It felt like all their efforts were coming unraveled. The truth sometimes hurts and this was one of those times.

Carson was still stone-faced. “Kendall, I don’t blame you… I blame me. I made a big mistake in trying to control you. I don’t even know why I got so angry in the first place… it was stupid. To be honest, I made a lot of mistakes, so I have to accept that you found people who could be the parents we weren’t. That falls on me and not your mother. I didn’t give her much of a choice in the matter.” Carson shook his head in self-disgust. “I thought I could force you to come around to my way of thinking. I was too stubborn to admit my way of thinking was wrong.” Carson clasped his head in his hands, looking ashamed and defeated.

Michael gave a concerned and loving look to his distressed partner, and without words, told him that he was going to talk, and the grip on his hand tightened.

“Agnes… Carson?” Both pairs of downcast eyes lifted to meet Michael’s. “My parents think the world of Kendall; they’re very pleased and supportive of him and me as a couple, but until recently they have just been friends to Kendall. Yes, they took him under their wing from the first time I took him home with me for a visit… they could see he was pretty wounded, and they did treat him like a son because that’s the way they are. It was only a week ago, when we officially became a committed couple, that they asked Kendall to call them mom and pop. It’s not about you or any problems there used to be between you and your son. It was about Kendall and I being partners… he became their son-in-law that day. That’s how my parents looked at it, and when Kendall agreed to call them mom and pop, it wasn’t about you two. It was about him and me, and our commitment. My parents feel like they have two sons now, and they want Kendall to see them as a second set of parents. They’re not trying to replace you two as his mom and dad. They’re supporting me, their son, in my choice of partner.”

Agnes and Carson looked at one another, turmoil and pain still evident on their faces. As parents, they were carrying one hell of a lot of guilt… guilt that was hard to let go of. “We understand, Michael… thank you for explaining it to us,” Agnes’s voice came out tremulous, though she tried valiantly to hide it. She looked at her son’s upset expression. “There is nothing wrong with you calling them mom and pop, Kendall, so don’t be thinking that. We were just caught by surprise and I guess we were being foolish to resent it for a little bit… I felt like we drove you to it,” she looked at her husband, “but we understand it better now. Thank you, Michael.” It came out as a whisper.

Michael could see they were only part-way there… the past was holding them back, and they were hurting at a difficult time for the family… his family now. Very aware of Kendall beside him, Michael made a decision. “Look, I get how you’re feeling. I don’t know how you feel about me. But you both have been respectful of how Kendall and I feel about one another, so I just want to say I would like it if I could call my partner’s parents the same thing he calls mine. I would love to call you mom, Agnes, and I would very much like to call you pop, Carson. That is if you guys want me to?”

Watching Agnes’s reaction was like seeing clouds parting, and the sun peeking out. A smile started slowly, and then seemed to explode across her face as it sunk in that Michael wanted to call her ‘mom’. She had let so much slip through her fingers in the past and almost lost her son because of her inability to act, and now here was this beautiful man, her son’s partner, wanting to include her in their lives in the most special way. “Oh, Michael, I would love it if you would call me mom. Is it something you really want to do or are you just trying to make me feel better?” She thought she knew the answer and the smile retreated, but never left her face; Kendall was awed by what Michael was doing… working his magic once again—for him—for them.

“It’s both, Agnes. I really want to call you mom, and I want to make you feel better,” he smiled that irresistible smile that tugged at her heart. “So do I get a hug, Mom?” he grinned.

Carson watched, almost stunned by what had just happened, as this man, new to their lives, held on to his teary-eyed wife, giving her something she deserved… a special kind of happiness. He was touched by a gesture that showed he and Agnes were being included in the lives of their son and his partner. Michael was too genuine to doubt his sincerity… what you saw was what you got with this guy… Kendall’s guy. He was surprised to learn they had only been a couple for a week, but looking at them, he could sense the depth of feeling that was there. Watching them together, he had no doubt they’d loved each other a long time, and if Michael wanted to call him pop, it was more than fine with him. He met his son’s eyes as he stood up, and he could tell there was uncertainty in Kendall as to how his father would react.

“I think it’s my turn now. Thank you for letting Agnes and I be part of your lives. Welcome to the family, Son.” All eyes were on Carson as Michael gently disengaged himself from Agnes and walked toward Carson. It was awkward but it was a hug that Carson had initiated, causing Kendall’s heart to stutter and leap.

“Thanks, Pop.” Michael smiled and Carson had to laugh at the strangeness of it. He had just gained himself another son. Michael laughed too as they both sat back down.

“Who are you?” Everyone turned their head to look at Kendall, and he blushed at what he had said aloud. “I’m sorry, Dad, I shouldn’t have said that.” The dumbfounded look on his face though, showed clearly what he was thinking.

“It’s okay. You have a right to think that way. You’re thinking you don’t know me and I don’t blame you. Michael’s your partner, so that does make him our son-in-law. I wouldn’t have looked at it that way three years ago, but everything has changed since then. The dad you knew is gone, or at least a big part of him is… I’m still a miserable bastard sometimes, but I’m working on it.” He smiled rather feebly. “I’d like to think it has nothing to do with the cancer, but to be honest, it does play a part in how I look at things now… but it’s not the only reason. Trust is a hard thing to earn back once you lose it, and I understand that. I’ve been worried my past mistakes would prevent us from being a part of your life… maybe I deserve that, but your mother doesn’t.” The signs of his tiredness had spread across Carson’s face, but he fought it.

Focusing his attention back to Michael, he looked him straight in the eye. “I’m honored that knowing what you know about me, about what a terrible father I’ve been, the errors I’ve made, you would still want to call me your pop. I want to thank you for that... I know you’re doing it for Kendall and that’s a good enough reason for me. I need your help though. I need you to help me convince my other son that I’m not that cold, narrow-minded bastard anymore because when I die, I want to know I made it up to my family for those mistakes… at least as many of them as I could. Will you help me?” Michael could only nod. Kendall wasn’t the only one stunned by the honest plea of a man searching for forgiveness. Michael finally understood the depth of Kendall’s confusion. This man sitting before him was nothing like the Carson Dooley who had steamrolled over Kendall for most of his life.

Kendall managed to tear his eyes from the scene before him to look over at his mother. She was as rapt as he was, and he could see her love for Carson shining in her eyes. Gone were the disgust and anger, bordering on hate, he had seen in her earlier that day. This was a woman who believed in her husband once more. The approval in her look was meant for Carson as she told him without words, they were in a good place again. Kendall watched his father take note of that look, and some of the haunted shadows in his face seemed to lift as he returned his wife’s silent message with a thankful one of his own. There was a lot at play here, more than just him and his dad; Kendall was so appreciative of what Michael had accomplished for his family. It was his explanation and gesture that had put them all back on the right track. Michael’s magic was put to good use once more, and the pride he felt in his man added to the emotions he was struggling to contain.

“I’m sorry, boys, but I have to bow out for the evening. Those pills are kicking my ass and demanding I sleep now, so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll see you two for breakfast in the morning.” Carson stood up and started to turn away, but he hesitated, looking back at his son. They watched him tentatively reach out a hand towards them. “Kendall, would you consider giving your father a hug? I could use one from you right about now, if you wouldn’t mind?”

The request touched Kendall more deeply than he would have thought possible. He got up and walked over to his father. Nothing was said. They just wrapped their arms around each other, and this hug surprisingly wasn’t awkward, because the love, though buried beneath the surface for a long time on Kendall’s part, was still very much there. It was a good hug between a father and a son, signifying their estrangement was over… both men knew it might be just in time. “Good night, Dad, I love you.”

“Kendall, my boy… I love you too. I always have. Thank you, and thank you, Michael, for what you’ve already done for our family. Good night, both of you.”

Michael’s, “Good night, Pop,” got him a tired but genuine smile from Carson.

“Agnes, any chance you would join me?”

Agnes was transfixed once again, as she’d watched the thing she wished for the most, finally come true. “Yes, I will, my dear, but I have to clean up first.”

“Oh no, Mom, Kendall and I will do that. I’m sure he still knows where everything goes. You head off to bed with Pop,” Michael’s power-wielding smile and calling her ‘Mom’ took away her initial inclination to argue, and she agreed to let them clean up without a fight. Her husband needed her.

“You lads take over the hall bathroom, okay? Your father and I never use it so just leave your stuff in there, and I’ll see you in the morning.”

After hugs goodnight, they watched her accompany an exhausted-looking Carson down the opposite hallway to their bedroom. They were hand in hand.

“How are you doing, Babe?”

Kendall’s answer was very direct as he attacked Michael’s mouth with his, leaving Michael both pleasantly off-balance, and breathless. “You are the most amazing man in the whole fucking world. What you did for my family tonight was incredible, and you did it just by being you. I love you so fucking much. You rescued all of us tonight… you always know the right thing to say and do; I shouldn’t be surprised, but you just keep blowing me away, over and over again. You’re my knight in shining armor, big guy.”

Michael’s self-satisfied expression was endearing. “I’m gonna get lucky again, aren’t I, Babe.”

Kendall laughed, “Yes you are, Sunshine… indeed you are.”