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Morningstar: The Malaise - 14. Chapter 14 Collars
Morningstar: The Malaise
Chapter 14
After another hug from the captivating Miss Sybil and a promise to visit again sometime in the future, Kellar was able to take his leave. Standing outside the door, his eyes swiveled to the man at the picnic table. Tobyn met them with troubled ones of his own. “How was your talk? Glad you listened to me?” A weak smile followed.
“It was… informative. You were so right about the lady being awesome.” He watched closely as the blond man rose from his seat and walked over to him. “Are you doing okay, buddy?”
“Yeah, sure. Why?” He looked away after speaking, and Kellar could see him swallow.
“I don’t know. You seem down or something. Did I do anything wrong?”
“No, of course not. I’m just in a weird mood. Whatever's going on with me, I’m pretty sure I disappointed the boys when I didn’t want to kick the ball around.”
“Why didn’t you? I thought you liked soccer?”
“I do and I… I have no idea. I’m feeling unsettled, so I just wanted to sit for a while and think.”
“Did it hurt?”
“Did what hurt?”
“Thinking.” Kellar laughed at the same time he dodged the punch aimed at his arm.
Tobyn laughed too. “Unfortunately, I must admit it did a little.” His laughter soon dwindled to nothing.
“Do you want to let me in on what’s got you unsettled?” Was this more proof of what he and Miss Sybil suspected?
“I would, but I don’t even know myself. Just a little bit of everything. My brain keeps going in circles and I can’t seem to focus. Anyway, don’t worry about it. Come on, let’s go get my truck so we can check out the marina. You’re going to love it.”
Kellar knew avoidance when he saw it. This was all going to turn out to be one hell of a kick in the teeth. “I’m sure I will, but what about the kids? I thought I was healing Dane’s tonsils and checking out the rest of them.”
“You are. Dane and Mace are rounding the others up and getting their parents’ permission. Everyone’s heard of what you did by now so it’s just a formality. They’re going to meet us at our place in a couple of hours. Is that all right with you?”
Our place? It sure had a nice ring to it, even if it wasn’t accurate. “Sure.” They walked a little further along the quiet road before he decided to speak again. “Can I ask you something?”
Tobyn looked wary as he responded. “I guess.”
There was no missing his reluctance to talk, but Kellar was trying to piece things together so he forged ahead anyway. “When you were first talking to the boys, when I was alone with Miss Sybil, you looked upset. I was just wondering if you were worried about the kids? I could, ah, see you through the window.”
Tobyn’s eyes darted towards him and then away, but the question was initially met with silence.
He was beginning to regret pushing when Tobyn finally cleared his throat and answered.
“No, I wasn’t worried once you told me Dane’s tonsils were no big deal. I’m not even sure what was wrong. Like I said, I was just feeling out of sorts. I think I’m letting the magnitude of what’s happening to the pack get to me.” He cleared his throat one more time, and now he sounded nervous. “And then there’s you feeling the need to leave, and I guess maybe I’m still processing that. I’m only bringing it up because you asked. I told you I understand, and I do, and I respect your decision. I’m feeling better now, so no worries. I'm chill now.”
“Good to hear. Sorry for pestering you, but I don’t like seeing someone ‘out of sorts.’ It brings out the healer in me.” He grinned, and Tobyn matched it.
“You didn’t pester me, and I’m fine… you can take that healer’s hat of yours off, okay, doc?”
“Consider it removed.” Kellar had found out more of what he’d been searching for, but he wasn’t sure how it helped him. In the end, knowing could just pile on more pain.
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Tobyn watched the big man walk ahead of him as they neared the rear of the truck and for a split second, unseen, he let his guard down. Running a hand over his face, he swallowed. Kellar’s questions poked the dragon a little more, and he had to face how not saying what was on his mind was frustrating the hell out of him. The subtle acknowledgements he’d given with regards to his feelings fell far short of what he struggled to hold back. He knew exactly what had been bothering him. He was crushing on the big man in the worst way and it seemed to grow by the minute… hell… by the second.
It was wearing on him to be around someone who made his palms sweat and his heart race, but he was finding it even harder not to be near him. He’d felt the loss the minute he left him with Sybil. Walking toward the boys and away from Kellar had caused all his emotions to churn. The fact was, he was a fucking mess.
How in hell could he accept being gay when he had a family life planned out with Tilly? They’d spoken of it in general terms for years and time was closing in on them. His responsibility had to be to the pack, and ultimately its survival. And yet, images of him and Kellar entwined, making love, refused to go away. Christ, it was all so fucking complicated, and as much as he wanted to open up and discuss how he felt, he knew it would be unfair to the big-hearted man. I have these massive feelings for you, but… arghhh.
He dreaded Kellar leaving, yet at the same time he expected things would get easier… hopefully for both of them. Being apart might turn out to be for the best. Just letting that thought come to the surface caused something to wither within, but at some point he had to believe the healer would return. Hopefully, they’d have a better handle on all these feelings by then. Tobyn refused to entertain the notion they couldn’t have a friendship. Separation had to be temporary.
He’d always planned to carry out his mission alone so that was what he would do. Someone, somewhere, would have answers, and he was determined to find them. In the meantime he could handle this. It was a situation he’d never envisioned for himself, but Kellar had already done great things for Morningstar and now he’d made the choice to leave. Tobyn needed to accept it… and he would. He'd put up a good front for his friend because he owed him that. He was the reason for his impending departure, after all. The pack would have a healer a few hours away, and that was so much more than they had two days ago. Releasing a deep but muted sigh before he opened the driver’s side door, he put on his game face and climbed in.
The hardest part was when Kellar looked at him. He saw interest and devotion in those eyes every time. He also saw glimpses of the poorly-concealed pain, at least to him, and it devastated him to be the one causing it. Knowing he was crushing on him just as strongly, and that he was attainable, made it excruciating to stay the course. The big man was doing it right now as they drove down his road. Oh, he tried to conceal it, but Tobyn knew. There was this connection between them that made it impossible to hide much of anything. He was fast becoming a believer in love at first sight, and that was a train of thought he couldn’t dwell on. But, it was love he felt, wasn’t it? Yeah. Fuck. Sometimes, life really sucked.
“So, did you get all you needed from Miss Sybil?”
“I’d say I learned more than I thought I would. Finding out there is a healer bloodline was mind-blowing, but the more I learn, the more questions I have.”
“Such as? Maybe I can help answer some of them.”
Kellar glanced over with an amused expression as Tobyn turned on the road to the marina. “Were-wolf movies?”
He welcomed the chance to laugh. “What the hell do you want to know about those god-awful things?”
“How they came to be, I guess. Was there any basis for them? Like, did any of us ever go on blood-thirsty rampages as wolves?”
“God, no. Is that a serious question?”
Kellar chuckled. “No, not really. Miss Sybil told me about the hunters of our kind, so I guess my real question is whether you think it’s the way humans would see shifters if they learned we actually existed? Would they consider us crazed beasts who would tear them apart and eat them, or turn them into monsters?”
It was clear to Tobyn the inquisitive healer part of Kellar was engaged. “I’m not entirely sure. It’s a good question, though. I could be wrong but I think it would be the end of us if the human race did find out. Maybe the majority would be fine, but there would always be those who saw us as aberrations and try to wipe us out. From what I understand, those hunter groups looked at us as vermin who needed to be exterminated. It was their mission and they used religion to justify our persecution and slaughter. We were supposed agents of the devil or some ridiculous shit like that.”
“Humans have a habit of doing that, don’t they? Using religion as a reason to be cruel. You talk like they’re part of the past. Do you think these hunters still exist?”
“Honestly, I would like to believe they are no longer out there, but that would be putting my head in the sand. All I know is we should always be on our guard. I don’t think they’re the scourge they once were, but I could be wrong. We’ve had shifters disappear without a trace over the years, and Esther’s murder was deliberate. Whoever killed her knew what they were doing. I know Fendral was always looking for some scent he'd detected from that day.”
“I can’t imagine the man’s pain. Sybil told me quite a bit about earth mates.”
Tobyn grimaced, and blew out a long breath. It was a sore subject for most shifters. “I think it’s good they’re a thing of the past. I don’t believe it’s beneficial to be so tied to another person.”
“Why?” Kellar’s head had snapped toward him, and now he was watching him intently.
“Well... because… look at where Fendral is now. He was such a strong man, yet he wolfed out after losing Esther. He tried to fight it for a while, but Mom says it became impossible for him to bear the grief. I feel terrible for what he’s gone through, but worst of all is he deserted the pack. Losing his earth mate destroyed both him and us.”
He couldn’t help his bitterness showing through, and it made him a little embarrassed to be talking about such a great man that way, but he had to be honest. “I don’t blame him at all… but it would have been better for him and for all of us if he hadn’t found Esther... I mean as a mate. It would have been better to have found her as a wife. He could have recovered from losing her then. With mates, you really can’t.”
His voice dropped to an almost murmur. “Maybe the earth mother did us a favor by taking them away.” He shivered after the words left his mouth, and he wasn’t sure of the reason. “And his kids never should have left on wild goose chases. Where did that get them?” He looked at his friend for a response, but he’d gone quiet and his gaze had turned away. Why did he feel like he’d gone too far? “Anyway, there’s only one thing those movies were even remotely close on.”
Kellar turned somber eyes back towards Tobyn without actually meeting his. “What was that?”
“Silver bullets. I don’t know how… it must be a coincidence, but silver does affect us.”
“You’re kidding right? Silver bullets?”
“Just about the silver part. Any bullet can kill us, but silver can prevent us from shifting.”
“You’re pulling my leg!” Kellar became instantly more animated, and half-turned in his seat.
“No,” Tobyn said, amused at Kellar’s reaction. “Seriously. It’s not a problem because shifters don’t wear jewelry for obvious reasons… rings and chains fall off or get broke… same with earrings and other piercings… but if you ever wore a silver necklace and didn’t remove it, you wouldn’t be able to change.”
“Holy shit. I never knew that. I wonder why it has that effect. Are you sure you’re not playing with me?”
Tobyn chuckled. “I swear to the great mother that it’s true. I recall listening to some of the old stories, and the worst ones told of wealthy lords who kept families collared with silver so they couldn’t change. They’d unlock those on the husbands and fathers so they could hunt game while they kept their families within the walls of their strongholds. We were nothing more than tools for them, and that was the life for most packs back then. Miss Sybil told me once about rebellions that happened where many of us were murdered attempting to escape, but sometimes enough made it to remote areas in small groups. They... we... were isolated, but we were free, and we lived that way for a few hundred years. Hunters, though, kept coming after us, picking us off in great numbers whenever they found a pack, so once ‘the new world’ opened up, many shifters made the trip. Apparently some great leader rallied the different packs to join and fight back, and make a better life in the Americas. I’m missing a lot of the story, but the end result was a mass exodus from Europe and the British Isles centuries ago. I’m sure there’s a lot more to it… we’re talking about the span of centuries here… but that’s all I remember. We really miss having a keeper. She would have been able to tell our history in great detail, but she died a long time ago.”
“Fuck! That’s incredible. There’s so much I have no clue about… this stuff needs to be written down by someone.”
“Yeah… but, we can’t. It’s too dangerous.”
“Not if it was written like fiction; a printed up and bound make-believe book. It’s all going to get lost without keepers. You wouldn’t know any of this if not for Sybil, and she’s a seer. Am I right?”
Tobyn had never looked at it in such a way before. “Yes, you are and I see your point. There’s a lot even I don’t know and that’s wrong. We can’t afford to lose our histories. I’m going to talk to Mom about this. The pack should reconsider how we look at everything now that all the old ways are disappearing.”
At his response, Kellar turned away again, and Tobyn was enveloped in a feeling from the man he couldn’t quite describe. Resignation, maybe, and sadness? Why the sudden change in mood? What had he said? The one fact that couldn’t be ignored was neither of them were even remotely happy. The sooner this was resolved, the better, no matter how much it was going to hurt.
“We’re here, doc. What do you think?” Kellar turned and smiled, and Tobyn understood he was putting on his best face. He would do the same.
“The lake is beautiful, man. I had no idea it was so freaking huge. It looks a little rough out there, though.”
“Yeah, it’s choppy today. I like it best when it’s calm and looks like a sheet of glass. It doesn’t happen often, though.” Small talk was good.
“Jeez, there’s a ton of people around, and I can count at least ten boats from here.”
“There are a lot more out on the lake system you can’t see. It’s a madhouse all summer long, and in winter there’s a lot of ice-fishing going on. We have forty huts we rent out. It’s damn good income for Morningstar. I work here whenever I can, and the thing I like most is a lot of our business is comprised of regulars who show up year after year.” More small talk, but it was working, and Tobyn started to relax for the first time since he’d walked out of Miss Sybil’s house.
They left the truck and strode toward the docks. Tobyn laughed when Kellar ran to stick his hand in the water; it was such a kid-like thing to do. He showed him the ins and outs of the business while they toured, introducing him to the shifters on site, and enjoying the reaction they had to the big man. He really was larger than life. It was such a pleasure to see how people were drawn to him as they made their way around the marina. Tobyn was reminded of the Pied Piper story he’d read as a kid.
Eventually they meandered up to the large campground, greeting the occasional happy, contented client. Kellar had relaxed as well, and the walk was again peaceful. “So, what do you think?” Tobyn asked.
“I think the pack has created a little bit of paradise here. The lake is amazing, and I like how all these campsites are secluded from one another. At the marina, I noticed some of the workers are tired, but I saw no serious health problems outside of inflamed joints in a few of the older ones.”
“Do you ever take time off from being a healer?”
“It’s who….”
“… I am,” Tobyn finished for him, and they both chuckled.
“I guess I’ve said that before, huh?”
“Yes, you have. You’re a pretty special person, Kellar Haylan.”
“Yeah?"
Tobyn nodded.
"Well, thanks… so are you, my friend. I… I love that you always put the pack ahead of yourself. I guess we’re not all that different. Like you said earlier... we both have to do whatever we feel we need to.” He stuck those large hands in his pockets and started to walk at a quicker pace, as if he was trying to escape the moment.
Fuck. So much for being relaxed. Tobyn was once again a storm of emotions as they made their way back to the truck. Fuck.
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