The Journal of Chris Williams - 8. Journal 8

Journal entry 11:

I’ve kind of held off writing more about my past experiences at Parker Valley since my breakdown. It’s been three weeks of learning to live with it. While I’m feeling better, a part of me is scared of getting too close to some things I still haven’t told anyone. I know I’ll eventually get to them or at least I hope I do. I’m trying to get back into this since there’s so much I need to come to terms with. About the only way I don’t evade questions from Doc is by writing things down.

I learned a valuable lesson after mouthing off to my old beta. He got to hear what a useless and worthless has-been he was. I voiced several other obnoxious opinions about him and the pack council in the process. I don’t think I left a single member of the leadership out of my tirade. This was all while thinking I had a free pass to do as I pleased. More precisely, doing as Michael ordered. All because I was the best friend of the alpha’s son. I thought the interrogation into the attack on Ethan was a joke. Because of who I was with, it never occurred to me anything would be done. Besides, it was dealing with a human latched onto a wolf. Why would I listen to anything a mere beta has to say when I’m taking my orders from the future alpha?

Everything seemed so clear at the time and my loyalty was to Michael. In some perverted way, it was also by extension to Alpha Stockdale and the pack itself. If Michael gave me an order that contradicted his dad, it was the same to me as if the alpha had given it. At least that was my thinking at the time. What I didn’t consider was I really viewed Michael as my alpha. so the pack’s true leader didn’t factor in after all. I always thought I believed strongly in the pack. It turned out my loyalty was to the sub pack I was in and not to the larger one as a whole. It never occurred to me that I created a conflict for myself as I began to serve two alphas I thought of as one. That worthless beta proved his wolf’s strength the way he pushed me into a rage before letting me know I would likely die beside my friend for our crimes.

Reality has a way of turning around and giving you a very well deserved kick in the gut and ass. When you have to look into your parents’ faces as you wait to hear if you’ll receive a death sentence or have to accept exile is not easy. Learning you and your friend are not actually untouchable stings, but that’s minor compared to the damage I caused. This didn’t just affect me, but the guys I was with, Ethan, Aiden, my parents, and the families of those who were with me on the bridge. I needed to fall hard to begin to face what I’d become. And I only just started to as I left Parker Valley for good.

I thought it was all fun and games at the time. First it was going after Aiden and his mate while they jogged. And later when we tried to jump Ethan on the bridge. He wasn’t a lycan. He was only a human who shacked up with a wolf. That seemed disgusting enough to me. Being young and never putting much stock in those stories they teach us about true mates, I didn’t consider it was even possibly true for them. I don’t think it would have mattered if I believed it to be true. On top of that, Aiden had always been a thorn in Michael’s side. Most likely because Aiden wouldn’t blindly follow him and definitely wasn’t intimidated by him.

Aiden had never really been my friend, but in retrospect, that was likely because of my long association with Michael. When we were young pups, we all played some at school and were sort of friends. But he and Michael always seemed to have some type of rivalry going. Once things got to where Aiden could win pretty much every competition or challenge, any chance of friendship with him ended if I wanted to hang around with my best friend. I can still remember Michael saying, “You can be friends with him or me, not both. Trust me, you don’t want to lose me as your friend.” Aiden was always one of the cool guys. I wanted to play whatever game he did at school and be on his team. But I stuck with the person I felt closer to. Plus, I had Mom encouraging me to hang out with a good boy like Michael instead of that troublemaker Aiden.

Looking into my mom’s eyes post trial and sentencing was hard for both of us. She knew I planned to rape and kill someone. Simply because it was the mate of my friend’s biggest rival to becoming Alpha. The look in her eyes actually got me to open mine to what I’d become. I’m thankful there wasn’t a mirror around me, because I don’t think I could have beared to see the monster staring back at me. Even my wolf wanted to hide in disgrace and found a dark corner of my mind to cower in. The look Mom had on her face was one of disbelief, disappointment, horror, and I’m sure guilt over encouraging me to stay with Michael. There was also some of what can only be described as a mother’s love. But it was overshadowed by everything else. She never said it, but I’m sure she asked herself many times since my capture where she went wrong raising me. How she could have overlooked what I’d become.

One of my biggest moments of realization was seeing Mom and Dad after the trial. Or maybe it was our goodbyes the morning my exile went into effect. I do know the biggest was when I had my blowup with Michael while on the road. I truly saw for the first time the only thing that mattered to him was him. It didn’t matter who he used, what he said, or who was hurt in the process as long as he got what he wanted. That not only made me angry, but scared the fuck out of me for the first time. He didn’t seem to care if his actions got me killed or not.

In accepting exile, we had to drive directly to Columbia River Pack. We could stop to eat, sleep, get gas, or use the head along the way. We had to check in with any pack we passed through along the way. The ankle monitor would alert someone if I took a road that wasn’t preapproved for me to be on. We had to call the tracking company at each stop and say what we were doing and why we stopped. If there was a traffic issue, and I sat in one location too long I got a call asking what the problem was. Even with all this arranged, instead of following our orders Michael asked me to go camping with him at our first stop. He mentioned cutting off the ankle monitors and tossing them in the trash. “What the fuck can they do about it? You and I are a pack now and don’t owe them anything.”

The papers I signed before leaving Parker Valley were very specific. We couldn’t deviated from our assigned route. If we violated what we agreed to or didn’t meet every single term, I would be hunted down for execution. Michael signed the same documents, and they told us copies were going to the Council and Columbia River. Everyone knew what I said I’d do and for my mom I was damned sure going to follow it.

Michael called me a coward for willingly following the terms his father dictated to us. He felt if we were exiled, once we left Parker Valley we could do whatever we wanted since we no longer answered to anyone or any pack. Technically, he might have been right; we weren’t members of a pack and Parker Valley couldn’t officially order us around beyond our ban from the territory. But we still fell under the authority of the Lycan Council, didn’t we? I guess that could be a grey area, but I’m pretty sure I still live under their laws and not outside them.

Regardless of anything he said from that point on, I’d had enough and wasn’t listening anymore. I spent fifteen years of my life standing by him. Letting him bully and use me even if at times I didn’t realize he was doing it. Telling me what a great friend I was and how I was going to be his beta someday. The next moment telling me I was useless if I questioned anything and didn’t do what he wanted. Years of doing thing that degraded me or those around me. Sometimes pushing me to the point of wishing I could go feral and run away to hide my shame. All those years of torturing and abusing friends and strangers all for his enjoyment. And I admit for my enjoyment once I’d gotten conditioned to accept it. It felt so good throwing that punch. To feel my knuckles as they impacted his face and hearing his nose break as the force of my fist knocked him off his feet. It was great to see him fall back several feet and land on his ass with his face bloody. Knowing I’d caused it was exhilarating. My only regret is I only punched him the one time. I wish I’d beat him to a bloody pulp like we were going to do to Ethan. Until I hit him, I never knew I had been holding so much resentment towards him. It all came to the surface in that once moment when my fist tried to force its way through his face.

As I told him at the time, we should have been executed for our crimes, but somehow we had been given a second chance and a new home. Who takes in exiles? Especially exiles where one is the son of an alpha and the other is his best friend. Two young guys who were convicted of attacking a human, disrespecting an alpha, and ignoring the orders of said alpha among other things. We had committed high crimes against the pack and the Lycan Council and managed to live. We should have been considered threats to all lycan for how we acted. After the sadness and fear in my mom’s eyes, I wanted to make a change in my life. I needed to make a change in my life. I couldn’t put her through that again, and I couldn’t keep acting the way I had been, both for her and for myself. I know change is a slow process. I’ve figured that out already. I am changing and I can see a difference already. However much time it takes, I’m in this for the long haul.

I’m probably just rambling at this point, but Doc, you did say to just write things down as they come to me. To not think about it so much as to let it flow freely. Same as you tell me in our sessions.