Ian's Heart - 6. Chapter 6 - Ian

“I know that guy from somewhere,” I whispered to myself as I watched the man walk away. He looked familiar like I know him or have met him previously. It was cute the way he bumbled his words saying something about strawberries after we knocked into each other. The guy turned to look at me once more before he disappeared into the crowd. I should have got his name or bought him a coffee or something. Oh well, wouldn’t matter anyway, but I should have seized the opportunity to meet someone new. At least Paddy would have known I was listening to what he’d said to me, about trying to date again.

What I should have done is pay more attention to where I was walking, I really do need to find out what’s going on with my stomach and chest. That’s why I bumped into that guy, too busy worrying about my gut. The guy was a wall, I bounced off of him like a tennis ball off a racket. He was tall, broad shouldered, stocky, masculine and gorgeous to boot. It was sweet of him to apologize and offer to replace anything that had been ruined, and thank God, he stopped me from falling on my ass, that would have been totally embarrassing. You just know one of my students would have popped up out of thin air at that moment to get a photo.

I rechecked my vegetables, just in case I had to replace any damaged pieces, but they all appeared unharmed. I walked to my car, checking the crowd to see if I could see the guy again. I could at least offer to buy him a coffee for his kindness. At least then I’d be able to suss out whether he was gay or not. I’d also like to find out where I know him from, it’s going to bug me now. I hate that, it’s as annoying as getting a song stuck in your head, and you only know the few lines of the chorus.

I don’t know what made me notice or even think of it, but the Christmas decorations everywhere. I haven’t had a real Christmas in a lot of years. Sure I’d go to Mom and Dad’s get something to eat and then go home and hide for the rest of the holiday. I should make sure it’s a real Christmas this year because I guarantee Paddy’s never actually experienced a real loving one. I pulled into the outlet mall, where there would always be a Christmas pop up shop. And sure enough, there was. As well as a family run tree lot next to it. My veggies would be fine in the trunk because it’s so cold outside.

I’ll leave the tree, for when Pat is with me. It’s a tradition we can start together shopping for our tree a week before Christmas. I went into the decoration store and sought after all the Christmas ornaments and baubles for the tree. God, so many flipping choices now. Not like when were kids. I young guy about sixteen asked if I needed help.

“Absolutely, thank you,” I said in desperation, “Can you tell me what your favorite decorations or Christmas things are. My son is about your age, and it’s our first Christmas together. I really wouldn’t know where to start,” I said looking around the shop, it’s ridiculous how much to Christmas there is.

Do people actually go this overboard with Christmas? Of course, they do, I loved everything about Christmas as a kid. Mom would go outlandishly overboard, I remember coming into the house after school, and it would smell like cinnamon and fresh baked cookies or cake not to mention Mom’s fresh homemade shortbread. The kitchen stocked with all sorts of foods and snacks that weren’t afforded during the year. There would be decorations on every free surface, green, red and gold parading proudly around the house, tinsel, and wreaths on doors. The trip we would all take together to pick out a real tree, Mom and Dad arguing where the best place to put it, then arguing as they set it up. We would decorate it together, listening to Christmas carols by Bing Crosby and the rest of the crooners from their time, while drinking some kind of hot drink Mom would make. The excitement and anticipation permeating the air for the big day's arrival to see what Chris Cringle had left for us.

“Uh, sure. Are you getting a tree?” he asked.

“Yes, I’ll wait, and my son and I will pick one out together,” I answered.

“We’ll start there,” the boy said as he indicated for me to follow him, “what type of kid is your son, is he messy, neat, maybe introvert or an extrovert? Do you think he would appreciate a color explosion, or do you think he’d appreciate a symmetry of coordinated colors.” He was good for a young salesman.

“He’s quiet, pretty clean, especially for an artist. He’s a fabulous artist.” I said proudly.

“I think you might want to go with symmetry, of two colors, and one to accent bringing the entourage together. Like red and green, with a tiny bit of gold. It will give a nice homely feel of a traditional Christmas if you like. Or depending on your taste, you could always do something different and maybe go with blue and silver with white accents, it’s a more modern take on Christmas colors. Let me show you the displays set up if there’s one you like we can find the tree ornaments for you to set it up.” The young kid smiled and again directed me to follow him.

<>-<>-<>

The door to our apartment sprang open as I approached, there in the threshold was my son grinning at me while I struggled with all my shopping. Pat grabbed one handful of them to help, making my load lighter. I grinned back at him, my heart swelled at the sight of him. I hadn’t realized how much I missed him since he left for the cabin on Friday, for Will’s birthday.

“Thank you, did you have a good time?” I asked as we walked past his bedroom to the living room. Where Pat dumped all the shopping bags on the couch.

“Yeah, it was fun. Will’s older cousins came from Florida, they have the cutest son Dad, he’s four, or turning four, he’s smart for a kid his age and what you would call mouthy,” Paddy laughed, I smiled so wide at his enthusiasm. It brings me endless joy when I get to see him light up and excited about things. “We had a snowball fight and built a snowman. Oh, and we had a great dinner for Will’s birthday. That was incredible. Oh my God, Dad, I’m not sure if you knew that Will and Liam went on a road trip?” Paddy said questioning me.

“Yeah, I think they went just before I met them,” I answered thinking on it. I’m pretty sure it’s why I had to give Will all that work to do that he missed, “I think that’s when they drove Liam’s father’s Mustang back home after he passed away.”

“It was,” Paddy squeaked, “Anyway, Liam put together a slide show from their trip. Liam’s photo’s Dad, you have to see them. He’s so talented…” I ooh’d and ah’d in all the right places grinning as Paddy told me all the details of their weekend. While he was rambling Pat unpacked the bags. When he finished his stories, he screwed up his face, Paddy asked “Geez Dad, did you rob Santa?” then laughed.

I looked at the everything he’d pulled out, “I might have gone a little overboard,” holding my finger and thumb close together giving the measurement oversight.

“A bit, but why?” he asked seriously.

My heart sunk, I never really gave a thought to how he would feel about Christmas. That was a little thoughtless of me, “Well, I haven’t enjoyed or had a chance for a decent Christmas since James got sick. I wasn’t sure what your experiences were with the holiday, and I thought we could start our own traditions together. Sorry, Pat, it was thoughtless of me not to consider how you felt about Christmas. I saw one of those pop-up Christmas places, remembered how much I loved Christmas when I was young and wanted to share that with you.” I was a little crestfallen by the look on his face, “I’ll pack these away, and we can try another year when you are ready.” I gathered up the Christmas decorations and stashed them in the bottom of my wardrobe for now. I’ll find a better place for them later. I feel so selfish being upset that he doesn’t want a Christmas.

I went into my bathroom and washed my face and freshened up. I went back to the living room, Pat was in the kitchen starting on dinner. He’s so confident in the kitchen, guess that comes from having to make meals for himself and others. I’d rather he’d learned to cook because he liked the skill or idea of making meals, not out of necessity. I plastered a smile on my face and stood next to him and bumped his hip with mine and smiled, “Put me to work, what can I do to help?” I asked.

Pat shook his head as if to say “nothing,” I saw a tear roll down his cheek, “Hey, hey, what’s the matter?”

“I didn’t mean to upset you. I just, I don’t, I haven’t… I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings Dad, I’m so sorry,” he apologized, and another tear fell from his eye, landing on the cutting board.

I took the knife he was holding and put it on the side safely, then gathered him in the best comforting hug I could, “You didn’t upset me, and you haven’t hurt my feelings, Sweetheart.” I said quietly in his ear, “Your feelings on the matter are valid, as I’m sure are your reasons. Yes, it would be nice to have a family Christmas, but it’s not our year, love. Not a big deal I promise, Uncle Bill has invited us to spend the day with them anyway.”

I pulled back and looked him in the eye, wiping his tears away, “Come on sunshine, I’m sorry if I made you feel like you’d upset me, but I promise you haven’t. Maybe one day when you’re comfortable enough, you’ll tell me what bothers you about it, what experiences you’ve had. But there’s no pressure. You feel how you feel about it, and if nothing else, I want you to assure me you’ll never let anyone tell you how to feel. I meant what I said; your feelings are valid.” I kissed his forehead and pulled him in for a hug.

“I’m so sorry Dad, I wish… I don’t know what I wish. I don’t want to make you unhappy, you’ve done so much for me, I feel selfish.” Pat cried into my shoulder.

God, I’m such a horrible shit, I have to do better by him. Not everything is about me, and I need him to see that it’s not a big deal. I’m the parent, my job is to help, love and protect him. To ensure his happiness, he shouldn’t have to be concerned with mine. My issues are mine, I’m a full grown adult, damn it.

“Shh! Come now sweet boy, you are the least selfish person I know. I was the thoughtless one not you. You’ve become so confident lately, sometimes it’s hard to reconcile the scared young boy who came to live with me, with the strong young man you’re becoming. It’s my job as your Dad to ensure your happiness not the other way around.” I said rubbing his back to give him some comfort.

Poor Pat, my heart breaks every time I discover something new his upbringing has taken away from him. He had a little cry in my arms. Once he settled, and pulled himself together, Paddy asked “Okay, old man, do you think you could manage to put a pot of water on the stove to boil without burning down the kitchen?” Pat smiled at me, almost back to his usual self. I know it was a show for me, but I let him own it so he would feel better.

“Sassy mouth, little shit. I’ve managed this far in my life, so what are we having?” I chortled rolling my eyes.

“Fettuccini with veggie marinara,” he said smiling.

“Ugh! Again! We have that all the time,” I whined like a teenager and stamped my foot, crossing my arms.

“It’s good for you, you’ll thank me one day, now get on with it.” Pat pointed the knife to the stove, laughing. He’d tried to put on the authoritative voice of a father.

<>-<>-<>

I can’t believe it’s Sunday again, “Come on Pat, we’re going to be late for brunch, and we still have to pick up Sasha,” I called out. My phone dinged with a message, I checked it. Crap, it’s Mom again, for me to call her. She’s been ringing all week but I haven’t had the heart to call her back yet. I just know she’s going to want us home for Christmas. And with the way Pat feels about the holiday, I’m not sure it’s going to be a good idea. This past week flew by. I caught Paddy standing outside my room a couple of times, contemplating something, but would change his mind and walk away. I thought about asking what was wrong but stopped myself. I want him to come to me, I’ll leave it a little longer and see if he comes to me before I force him to talk.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” he sassed me, “Well are we going or not?” he called from the front door.

“Finally,” I huffed.

“Who pissed in your Cheerio’s?” Pat asked as we pulled up out front of Sasha’s place.

“Nobody, it’s nothing.” I sighed, “Sorry it’s not you,”

“Then what is it?” Pat asked forcefully.

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter. Go get your girl, because now we are late.” I said waving his question off.

“Alright,” Pat scoffed as he exited the car to pick Sasha up like a gentleman.

Everywhere I went this week, my stomach and chest did their dance. I’d finally gone to the doctors who sent me for a bunch of tests but couldn’t see me until Tuesday night for the results. I’ve been going out of my mind with worry about what they might be. To add insult to injury, I’d come across the guy who bumped into me at the farmer’s market a couple times. Thankfully, I managed to dodge him each time, my heart fluttered the second I saw him. That’s too scary for me to deal with, I don’t even know the guy, I don’t even know his name. It hasn’t stopped me from thinking about him, every minute of the day. Looking back, each time I saw him, I would go home and stare at the photo of me and James, I did it without concious thought. It’s weird, it’s not like the guy was anything like James. I found it unsettling.

Pat came back to the car with Sasha in hand and opened the door for her, and she climbed in next to me, then he climbed in the back seat and buckled up.

I smiled, “Hello Sasha, Sweetheart how are you?”

“I’m good thanks, Uncle Ian, what about yourself?” Sasha said beaming her pretty smile in my direction.

I went to say something and Pat beat me to it, “He’s pissy today, that’s how he is,”

Viewing Paddy in the rearview mirror, he was looking out the window, his face contorted into… I don’t know what that look is. But it’s not a happy face. When we got to Bill’s, I sent Sasha ahead and stopped Pat from going inside.

“Pat, I’m sorry I’ve been in a terrible mood today. I’ve got some stuff on my mind, and I shouldn’t have taken out on you.” I told him.

“It’s okay Dad,” he huffed, “you could tell me, and maybe I can help,”

“You’re a sweet, sweet boy. But it’s nothing to concern yourself with, I’ll cheer up and do better.” I said with a nervous smile.

“You’re allowed off days Dad, but I don’t like it when you’re upset,” Pat stated firmly. I hugged him quickly.

“I’m so very proud of you Pat, you are a very good person, and an even better young man.” Pat’s face turned pink as he went inside the house.

<>-<>-<>

Tuesday night I walked out of the doctor's office with my results of my tests giving me the all clear. They couldn’t find anything wrong, I’m taking that as good news. I’m going to go home to my son and cook him his favorite meal, then I’m going to have a nice soak in the tub, with a glass of wine while I read a trashy magazine and relax. I nodded at the steering wheel as if it agreed with me and headed home.

I opened the door to our apartment, and all the lights were off, except for flickering from the living room. Pat must be watching television. Making my up the hall, I could hear music softly playing, it was Michael Bublé’s Christmas album. Once I reached the living room, there was a tree, a beautiful bushy six footer, decorated perfectly, the lights flashing, the music playing, decorations placed around the room. It was very festive, and it made me feel like it was Christmas. I put my hand over my mouth in shock, tears fell from my eyes. Pat was standing next to the tree, smiling warmly at me with watery eyes.

“What, when, how… Did you do all of this Pat? Why? I told you it could wait, Sweetheart.” More tears fell.

Pat walked toward me and took my hand, while he spoke, “Will and Liam, well everyone was telling me to pull my head out of my ass. That I would regret not doing Christmas with you, they made me see that I should be excited not scared of the holiday,” he waved his hand around the room, “this is our first Christmas together as a family, and we only get one of those. Liam, Will, and Ollie drove me to get the tree from the lot and helped me get it up here. I hope you don’t mind, but I went into your wardrobe and got the decorations you bought.”

“I don’t mind at all Sweetheart, I can’t believe you did all of this. I’m so happy,” I said with more tears falling, “You’re a remarkable kid, you know that. Thank you, thank you so much for this. It really does mean the world to me, you letting me show you a good holiday,” I remarked pulling him into a tight, comforting hug, “I love you,” I muttered in his ear.

“That’s why I did it, you were right about me letting the past go, but sometimes it’s hard. But it can’t hurt to start here. I love you too, Dad,” Paddy said, “Oooh come see what else I got,” Pat retook my hand and pulled me into the kitchen. I laughed out loud, looking around the room. He’d replaced all of the usual nick knacks in the kitchen with Christmassy ones right down to the spoon rest and including the curtains. “It’s perfect Paddy, it really is, and thank you for giving me the chance to share this with you. It was always my favorite time of holiday growing up.”

“And…” he shifted on his feet nervously.

“And… what?” I asked.

“Grandma rang,” Pat said with a smirk, my stomach dropped, crap I still haven’t rang her back yet. “Does she usually have a potty mouth? Because she’s always so sweet to me on the phone.” Oh Christ on a cracker, I’ve poked the bear.

I pulled a face to portray fear at Pat, “Not usually no, but if she gets riled up, Mom could make a sailor cringe. Did she say anything that made sense?” I asked worriedly. It takes a lot for Mom to get riled up enough to curse, I wonder what I’d done, or not done as the case maybe.

“I wrote it down for you because I think you might ground me for actually saying those words out loud.” Pat said smugly handing me a note in his handwriting and singing, “Somebodies in trouble,”

Get your fucking ass, into fucking gear and bring your-fucking-self,
And my beautiful Grandchild,
to cold fucking New England for fucking Christmas.
Or I will kick your receiving fucking organ
ALL THE WAY TO OREGON!

“Shit!” I exclaimed. Paddy stood there laughing at me.