Noah and Jordan - 30. Chapter Thirty

*** NOAH ***

It is through hardship that we find courage.
Through fear, we find strength.
Through sorrow, we learn of humanity.
It is through adversity that we learn who truly loves us.

It’s time to see if true, unconditional love actually exists.

On the table is one of my most cherished possessions. It’s a token of who I am and who, for so long, I wanted to be. It’s a glimpse of a time when I was happy, a portrait of what my life could have been. Framed in the photo is the man I still to this day love. It’s the picture Jordan gave me on Valentine’s Day. On the back he wrote ‘Forever Yours’. Now from a priceless memory it may turn into the match that burns everything that I hold dear.

“Care to explain what this is?” my mom asks, the distain clear in her voice.

Her disdain will not shake my resolve.

“It’s a picture of me with my former boyfriend,” I reply in a surprisingly calm voice.

It’s done. The match is lit. Now I wait to see what burns.

“Your boyfriend?” she blurts out in shock, her face twisted with disgust. “Don’t say such stupid things.”

“It’s the truth. We dated for several months.”

My mother cringes. My dad’s face is stern, his eyes fixed on me.

“Are you out of your mind?” my mom yells.

Her words hit me straight in the heart. I knew this was coming, but I’m still not entirely prepared for it. How can one truly prepare for such hate?

“No, I’m not. I ... I like guys ... I’m gay.” I’m surprised at how easily the words leave my lips. The same words that for months I’ve struggled to accept, I now say with relative ease.

“Don’t say such wretched things! You’re not … no,” she says.

“I am.” Again, my voice is calm and collected, steady, easy.

“You’re just confused. I told you not to hang around those types of people. They’ve corrupted your mind. This is not who you are. We can fix this. You just need to repent and pray to God.”

My father still hasn’t said a word.

“This is the way God made me.”

I can see the burning rage in her eyes. “Don’t say such foolish things and use the Lord’s name with such disregard! God did not make you this way. This is a choice! And you are not going to choose this awful path!”

It’s like all that love that she had for me over the years is gone. It is clouded by her ignorance.

“I didn’t choose to feel this way,” I say looking up at them, my voice not as steady anymore. “The choice I made was to try and be straight, to try and pretend to be someone I’m not. The choice I made was to put your happiness in front of mine. That’s why I broke up with Jordan. Even though he was the best thing that ever happened in my life. I let him go. I let it all go. Because I knew you would never accept me for who I am.

“I came back here because I wanted so badly to be straight.” The emotion is rising in my voice. “You don’t know how hard I tried. I gave it my all. It messed with my head, took me down dark paths in my mind. It made me question my own self-worth, my sanity … whether it was worth it to still be alive,” I am now almost at the point of tears. “But it didn’t work. I was miserable. I AM miserable. I didn’t choose to be gay. It’s who I am.”

There it is, my soul, bare on the table for the world to see. If they truly love me, they’ll support me.

“This is only a phase. With prayer and support you’ll get through this,” she says.

Instead of support she stabs me with a knife.

“I can’t change who I am,” I say desperately holding back tears. I need to stay strong.

“You’ll have to,” she says. “This is sinful. It’s disgusting. Homosexuals go to hell, Noah!” My mom is hysterical. “What are our friends and our family going to say? We won’t be able to show our faces anywhere anymore!”

“Why does it matter what others think? Society is never happy for anyone else —”

My mom cuts me off: “But we have to live in society —”

I cut her off: “Shouldn’t your son’s happiness be above all that? I foolishly thought that was what mattered …”

“Clearly, I failed you as a mother. I just didn’t give you enough love and support. This is my fault. It’s my fault you’re this way,” she says acting all dramatic.

“It’s no one’s fault, Mom. You didn’t fail me,” I say in a calm voice. “This is just who I am.”

“Maybe you can talk some sense into your child,” my mom says looking at my dad.

“What do you want me to say? I can’t say I’m happy with all this. It isn’t what I wanted for you. You’ve disappointed me, Noah. Think about your future. Don’t you want to get married, and have children? This isn’t the lifestyle you want. All you need is to find a good girl and you’ll get all of this nonsense out of your head,” my dad says.

You are the true disappointment, I think to myself.

“You’re not going back to the city and that school,” my mom adds. “You’re staying here. And from now on you’re coming with me every week to church. You will repent. You will clean your soul. We will ask for guidance and God will help us. We will get you the best therapist there is.”

I need to be strong. “And what happens if I don’t change?”

“You WILL change,” my mom says.

“But what if I don’t? What if I don’t want to change?” I ask again.

“You’ll have to. We won’t support this type of disgusting, deviant, sinful behaviour,” my mom adds. Before I know it, she has the picture in her hands. She tears it into two.

“No!” I yell stretching out my hand to stop her. But I’m not fast enough. She shreds it into pieces.

“I will not have a fag living in my house. Either you change, or you’re dead to us.” She throws the shredded pieces onto the table, gets up and walks out.

My dad gets up slowly from his chair. “Think about your future, and your family. This isn’t just about you. We can help you get through this. We’re on your side. The choice is yours.” He walks out as well.

Unconditional love doesn’t exist.

*** JORDAN ***

I haven’t felt this way in a long, long time. Sure, I’ve seen many cute guys. I’ve flirted with a few at clubs and bars, and a few have flirted back. But when I saw him sitting at the bar with a group of friends my heart skipped a beat. I looked back instantly. There was just something about him, something different. The first thing I noticed was his smile, and the dimples on his face. He looked smart in his suit and tie, with his somewhat long hair slicked to the side. I couldn’t help but stare at him. (Okay, I think I have a weakness for guys in suits and ties).

I saw him the other night at a gay bar. I went with one of my straight friends. Over the past few weeks I’ve started telling more people that I’m gay. I haven’t gone around proclaiming it to everyone, prancing in the streets; I’m not that kind of guy either. Well, I have once pranced in the streets, but that’s a whole different story. But if it comes up, or someone asks about my dating life, then I tell them. It pretty much spread from there rather quickly; people like to gossip. It felt liberating telling the first few people, my secret out into the world. Most didn’t even bat an eye, or care, they were just surprised. It was just another fact thrown into the mix. One friend seemed a bit uncomfortable, but that’s his problem, not mine.

Anyway, so there I was at this bar with my friend when I noticed him. I couldn’t help but look back and when I did, I noticed he too was staring at me. Our eyes met and he smiled. I smiled. I felt like a love-struck teenager! I was excited and nervous. When my friend got up to use the washroom, I noticed the guy look my way. He smiled at me again, and I smiled back. There was no harm in trying, right? He walked over to my table. I was giddy with excitement. Play it cool Jordan, I told myself.

“May I?” he asked pointing towards the chair.

“Of course,” I said.

“I wanted to get a better look at those beautiful eyes.”

I remember blushing and saying “Thanks.”

“I’m Brody.”

“Jordan.”

“It’s nice to meet you. I haven’t seen you here before.”

“It’s my first time here,” I said.

“Ah, makes sense. I’m pretty sure I would have noticed you before.”

“Do you come here often?”

“Occasionally. I live close by, so I come sometimes to grab a drink after work.”

“What do you do?” He doesn’t look that old. Seems like he very well could still be in university.

“I’m one of those soulless bankers,” he laughed.

“I’m sure bankers have souls too. Somewhere, deep, deep, deep down inside,” I said with a smile.

He just looked at me and grinned. “Saving the world through bonds and securities, your everyday hero, that’s me. What do you do?”

“I’m a student. I just finished my second year of university.”

“Ah, the student life. I miss it. But not the part where you have to pay so much in tuition! What are you studying?”

“Life sciences.”

“Nice. Plan to be a doctor one day?”

“I hope so,” I said.

“Well, see there is the true hero.”

“Perhaps, unless I just go after money and become a plastic surgeon.”

“I’m sure they do good work too, it can’t just be all boob jobs.”

“Hey …” my friend said coming back to the table. It was such terrible timing. Brody was sitting in his seat.

“I’m in your seat, how rude of me,” he said getting up. “Well then Jordan, I should get back to my friends. It was nice meeting you.”

I didn’t want him to leave, but I didn’t want to come off desperate either. “It was nice meeting you too.”

He was about to leave, but then stopped. “I’ll be back here tomorrow night around seven. Perhaps I’ll see you again.”

“I work tomorrow night,” I said. Shit. Stupid work, I thought.

“The night after?”

“That could work.”

And with that he walked back to his group. He stayed for a while. We kept making eye contact and smiling. I only spoke with him for a few minutes, but that was enough to draw me in. Before he left, he sent a drink my way. It came with a napkin that had a message and a phone number: ‘I believe in fate, but just in case.’

I believe in fate too, but why take the chance? I’m on my way to the bar now. I’m really hoping he’s there.

*** NOAH ***

Like the fragments of the picture lying before me, I am torn. My life shattered, the pieces discarded carelessly. Like them, I feel worthless.

I knew the conversation with my parents wouldn’t go well, but a small part of me still held on to a bit of hope. Hope they could get past their disgust, and show even the slightest sign of love. After all, I am their son. A son who has always been there for them. Who destroyed his own happiness for them. But no. They couldn’t get past the hate in their hearts. It’s as if I transformed into a monster. A deviant, sinful monster. One not to be loved, but destroyed.

Never in my life have I felt so lost. Never so unloved.

I gather the pieces of the picture into a pile. Through my tears I try to put them back together, but it’s no use. The picture is beyond repair. Like my life, it is in ruins. I collect the pieces and put them into my pocket. I can’t throw them away; they are not worthless to me. They are the only remaining physical link I have to Jordan.

With what little strength I have I make my way to my bedroom. I grab a bag and stuff it with whatever I can find. I can’t stay here any longer; I need to get out of this house. I feel like the walls will close in on me. That I will suffocate from all of the hate. I don’t want to be somewhere I’m clearly not welcome. I can’t be the person my parents want me to be. I can’t be that son. No amount of therapy or church will change who I am. I can’t subject myself to that. I can’t let them do it. If they love me, if they truly love me, they will have to accept me for who I am. If not, then they’re not the ones abandoning me; it will be me who kicks them out of my life. If there is no space for me in this house, then there is no space for them in my heart either.

When my bag is packed, I run down the stairs. I quickly put on my shoes. I’d rather leave without making a scene. I’m just about to open the door when I hear my father’s voice.

“Where are you going?” he asks standing in the stairs.

“I’m leaving. You made it very clear there’s no space in this house for me anymore.” I’m no longer just upset. Now, I'm also angry.

“Noah, don’t be irrational. We need to talk about this,” he says.

“I’m not being irrational. For once in my life I think I’m finally making sense. There’s nothing left to talk about. Either you accept me for who I am, or I’m walking out of that door. And I'm never coming back.”

“Where are you even going to go?” he asks.

“I’ll figure it out.” I actually have no idea where I’m going. “That’s not your concern.”

“Let him leave,” my mom’s shrill voice echoes through the hallway. She’s standing upstairs by the railing. “Maybe then he’ll realize just how much we’ve done for him, and just how ungrateful he is. Maybe then he’ll learn to respect his parents when he is kicked around on the streets.”

“I’m ungrateful?” I ask. I know I shouldn’t argue, that there is no point, but I can’t just let her live in her fantasy world. “I’ve done everything you’ve ever asked me to do. EVERYTHING. I always put you guys first. I’ve always been respectful. I cook, I clean, I help out as much as I can. I’ve done everything a son is supposed to do, and more. I don’t know what more I could possibly even do!”

“And we’ve done everything we could as parents,” she yells back. “This house, your tuition, the clothes on your back. And this is how you repay us? This is what we get in return? A son who doesn’t care at all about his parents!”

“I chased away the only person that matters to me because of you! I don’t need your money. I don’t need this house, these clothes. I don’t need anything from you. You can keep it all. I’ll figure it out on my own. As you said, I’m dead to you now. Maybe I will just go kill myself. I’m sure that will make you happy.”

And with that I storm out of the door before either my mom or dad can respond.

*** JORDAN ***

I’m relieved when I see Brody sitting at the bar. He’s in the exact same spot I saw him last night. But this time, much to my delight, he’s alone.

“Hi,” I say walking up to him. “This spot taken?”

“Hey. You made it.”

“I was just in the neighbourhood and thought I’d drop by,” I say.

“I’m glad you did,” he says with a smile. Damn those dimples are sexy!

“Your friends aren’t with you tonight?” I ask sitting down across from him.

“No, I thought I would fly solo tonight. I see you decided to do the same.”

“I did.”

Brody insists on grabbing drinks for both of us. We move over to a booth. I figure he’ll sit down across from me. Nope. He sits down beside me.

“So Jordan, tell me about yourself. Who is the guy behind those beautiful eyes?”

I laugh. “Me? I’m pretty ordinary. I’m in school and I hope to be a doctor, like I said the other day. I’m off for a few months so I decided to come back home. I work at a medical clinic during the day, and a restaurant at night, so I can make some money for school. Other than that, I play volleyball on the school team … and um, yeah, just your average, boring guy. What about you?”

“You don’t sound boring at all. I’m an investment banker. I’ve been working ever since I graduated, which was about four years ago. I’m a bit older than you are. I’m 26. In my spare time, not that I get much, they really do make you work hard at those banks, I love to go to the gym, travel, and I love to ride my bike.”

“And pick up guys at a bar,” I add.

“Ha, yep, got me there. I’m not a shy guy, but I’m also not really good at all of this. I sort of surprised myself the other day. At first, I thought you were way out of my league, but then I saw you look back and thought, perhaps I have a shot. I figured what’s the worst that can happen? You either reject me out right, or you’re not gay but just like to stare, which I figured was probably not the case. Or you have a boyfriend and I end up with a broken nose. So yeah, the risk was minimal.”

“I’m glad you took the chance. And for the record, I’m single.”

“Well, that’s good news. I do like my nose.”

“It’s a very nice nose. What about you? Is there someone special in your life?” I’m pretty sure he’s single, otherwise why would he go through all this trouble. But no harm in asking.

“Nope. I am free as a bird.”

We talk for hours. He has a great sense of humour. He is carefree, easygoing, and goofy. He is confident, but not cocky. Best of all, he is out to the world. Everyone knows. It’s not a secret. He is comfortable in his own skin. And boy does he have a great smile.

I’m surprised when I realize we’ve talked well into the night. Truth be told, I’m a bit drunk. And very horny. Sitting here all night, talking to this handsome guy has got my engines going. I would love to feel his body, but I know that would be moving way too fast.

“Shit, it’s late,” I say. “I’m sorry I kept you out so late on a work night.”

“It was worth staying up.”

We walk out together. “Which way are you headed?”

“Just down over there. My condo isn’t far from here.”

“I would love to live downtown.”

“You’re in the suburbs?”

“Yeah. The bus only takes about half an hour or so. But I’ll probably just take an Uber.”

“You’re more than welcome to crash at my place …”

Fuck. My dick really wants to take him up on that offer, but unfortunately my brain is working. “Perhaps next time.”

“Absolutely. I’m glad you happened to be walking by the bar tonight,” he says.

“So am I.”

“Perhaps you’ll walk by again soon?” he asks. “Maybe, if I’m not being too forward, you’ll walk by on Friday night? But maybe not a bar but a nice restaurant of your choosing?” He seems a bit nervous, which makes him look even hotter.

“I think that’s possible.”

“I look forward to it,” he says.

“So do I.”

“You have my number. Don’t be a stranger.”

“I won’t. See you Friday.” We look at each other for a second. Oh, what the heck. I lean forward and give him a soft kiss on the lips. I don’t care that there are others nearby. I’m out. Screw them. “Bye, Brody.”

He leans back with a huge smile on his face. “Good night, Jordan.”

I notice a few people stare at us. Whatever.

*** NOAH ***

I walk for hours. In a daze, my legs take me whichever way the wind blows. I know I need to figure out a plan, figure out where I should go, but I can’t think. My brain is dead. Everything is clouded. Nothing makes sense. Defeated, I sit down on a park bench and cry. I don’t know how long the tears flow. But I just let it all out, all of the pain and anger that has been building inside of my soul for all of the years.

All my life, I tried to be the dutiful son. The best I possibly could be. Time and time again, I went out of my way to make them happy, to make them proud. And time and time again, both told me just how much they loved me. But it was all a lie. They only loved me conditionally. They only loved the fake Noah, the one that conformed to their dreams. Not the true me. The true Noah they rejected. Blinded by their hate, their ignorance, like a piece of worthless trash, they tossed me to the side. Discarded. Never to be seen again.

And for that, I will never forgive them.

——— 

The first thing I feel is pain, radiating through my back. Shit. This is uncomfortable. Slowly, as I wake up, I get a sense of my surroundings. I came here last night. I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go.

I take out my phone from my bag to look at the time. It’s only five in the morning. That’s when I notice the never-ending list of missed calls from Jenn and my brother. My phone was on silent, and in my bag, so I never realized someone was calling.

I also have a bunch of messages. Jenn asking her to call her immediately. My brother saying the same. Asking me not to do anything stupid, that he is worried. I start to go through the messages when my phone starts to ring. It’s Jenn.

“Hey, Jenn,” I say answering the phone.

“Noah! Finally! I’ve called you like a million times! Where the hell have you been?” she yells. “Why weren’t you answering your phone? What the hell is going? I was worried sick!”

“Slow down,” I say. My head is killing. I can’t handle all that noise at once. “I’m fine, Jenn. I just turned my phone off. There is nothing to worry about.”

“Tell that to your brother. He called me last night in a panic asking if I had heard from you. I said no. When I asked him why, he wouldn’t say. He just kept saying if I hear from you, ask you to call him immediately. Clearly, something is going on.”

My brother called her last night? My parents must have told him something. As for Jenn, she is my only ally. She deserves to know the truth. “I came out to my parents last night.”

“You what? Really? That’s great … I’m … but something tells me it didn’t go so great.”

“It didn’t …”

“What did they say?”

It’s hard to get the words out. “They … they rejected me.”

“I’m so sorry, Noah.”

I tell her a bit about the conversation, and the vile words used by my mom. “She said she wouldn’t allow a fag to live in her house, and that if I didn’t change then I was dead to them.”

“Fuck, that’s awful. Fuck! How can your mom say such awful things? She’s a fucking bitch. Sorry, I know she’s your mom, but, fuck! I … I can’t imagine what you must be going through.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do …” I say on the verge of tears again. “I knew they’d be angry but this … it’s ...”

“I just want to reach over and hug you right now,” she says. “Listen to me. It doesn’t matter what they say Noah, you are an amazing person who is loved and deserves to be loved. I love you, and I will always love you no matter what. You will always have me in your life.”

“Thank you,” I say.

“Where are you right now? Where did you spend the night?”

“I’m at the airport. I didn’t know where else to go. I figured a guy sleeping on chairs with his bag wouldn’t seem suspicious here. I’m just waiting for the counter to open and I'm going to buy a ticket and go back to school. I know I sublet my place, but I’ll find somewhere else to live. I can’t stay here anymore.” I regret subletting my place now. Though, I’d rather not go back to that apartment either.

“Come here,” she says. “I’ll pay for your ticket. You can stay with my parents and me until you figure out your next steps. My parents won’t mind.”

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You’re not asking me. I’m telling you. Either you come here, or I will find wherever you are and bring you back here,” she says.

Hearing how much she cares is what I need right now. I need to know someone out there isn’t ashamed of me. I’m about to respond when my phone beeps.

“My brother’s calling …” I say.

“Does he know?”

“I don’t know.”

“Answer it,” she says.

“I can’t handle another rejection, Jenn,” I say. If my parents told him and he too abandons me, I don’t know what I’ll do.

“He seemed really worried last night. He cares about you,” she says.

“Ok. Hang on.” I switch to the other line. Here we go. “Hello?”

“NOAH! Oh, thank God! I’ve been trying to call you all night. Where are you? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine I —”

“Why weren’t you answering your phone?” he cuts me off.

“It was in my bag and —”

“Dude, you almost gave me a heart attack. I thought you did something to yourself. Where are you? I’ve been trying to find you all night.” He sounds extremely worried.

“I’m at the airport,” I say. What would I do to myself?

“What are you doing at the airport? How did you even get there?”

“I walked,” I say.

“You walked! Isn't that like a four or five hour walk?”

“It is,” I say. I did it last night. It is a long walk. “Where are you?”

“I’m at parent’s place. Dad called me last night. He said you had a big fight and left. He told me you threatened to kill yourself.”

Oh, that’s why he’s worried. Does he know the truth though?

“So, I came down last night to find you. I’ve been looking for you for hours!” he adds.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know …” I actually do feel bad.

“Stay where you are, I’m coming to get you,” he says.

“I’m not going back there,” I say.

“Look, just come home, talk to parents.”

“No. I’m not going back there.”

He doesn’t answer right away. “Fine, then come home with me. And then we’ll go from there. Okay?”

I don't know. I don't know what to do. "I'm ..."

"I'm not taking no for an answer," he says. "You're coming with me."

“Okay,” I say. I don't have the energy to argue.

“Do you need anything? Clothes or?”

“I grabbed a few things last night.”

“I’ll pack a few more things. I’ll be there in half an hour. Don’t leave!”

“I won’t. See you in a bit.”

I switch back to the other line. “Hello?” I say to Jenn.

“Hey, what did your brother say?”

I recap my conversation for Jenn. “But I don’t know if he knows that I’m gay …” I add.

“He might. And if he does and is still coming down to get you, that’s a good sign,” she says. “He loves you, Noah.”

It is. If he knows the truth and still cares, it is a good sign.

We continue to talk for a while. Jenn won’t let me go until my brother arrives. She’s worried I may decide to run away.

“So, what made you decide to tell them? We spoke the other day and you didn’t mention anything,” she asks.

“My mom found the picture of Jordan and me, you know, the one he gave me on Valentine’s Day.”

“Oh, so she found out on her own.”

“Sort of, but not really.”

“What does that mean?” she asks.

“I put the picture on my desk.”

“By accident or on purpose?”

“On purpose. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I just … yesterday I was walking home and I thought … maybe it would just be easier to end it all … to just let go …”

“Oh God, Noah, why didn’t you call me?”

“I don’t know. Obviously, I didn’t go through with it … but … that’s when I realized I can’t live this double life anymore. But I also knew that I … that I didn’t have the strength to face her myself. So, I left it up to fate. My mom was going to do laundry. I told her I’d throw in my clothes after. But I know her. I knew she’d just go into my room. And so, I left the picture on the table. I figured if she was meant to know she’d find it ... and if she wasn’t, then she wouldn’t. I left it in God’s hands. She found it like ten or so minutes later.”

“That was really brave of you.”

“Or stupid,” I respond.

“You made the right choice. Look, I know right now it may seem like the world is ending, but it’s not. For the first time in your life, you’ll finally be able to be your true self. And in time, I know, you’ll be happy. Just remember, you’re not alone. You still have me. You probably still have your brother. There are many people who love you. Seeing how fast your mom found the picture, I think that’s a sign from the world that you made the right call.”

“Perhaps it is.”

We talk until my brother arrives. Now let’s see how he reacts.