Bloodlines - 47. Chapter 47

February 27, 1999

I sat there holding his hand, watching him drift in and out of consciousness. It was so sad and depressing to see this guy that was so healthy only two weeks ago lying here like a zombie. Today was Saturday, and I knew we'd be getting lots of visitors. I kind of resented that. It was as if Matt and I were fighting this together and now there would be all of these people interrupting that, taking energy he would need to fight whatever it was that had him in its grip. And energy he could spend with me. I realized how incredibly selfish that was and got pissed at myself for letting this thing override my manners. The thought of visitors prompted me to look around the room to make sure it was tidy, and then I sneered at myself. I was so anal-retentive I couldn't mess things up even if I wanted to.

Still, I was right about a surge of visitors. The hubbub started almost right after that with the arrival of Brad and Robbie. Robbie was a mess; he was really not dealing with this well at all. “How is he?” he demanded frantically as he hurriedly sat on the other side of the bed and grabbed Matt's other hand. His collar was crooked and I longed to reach over and straighten it.

“Not good. And we still don't know why,” I said simply.

“I'm sure Jack will let us know as soon as he figures it out,” Brad said confidently.

“I keep wondering if there isn't something more we could be doing for him,” Robbie lamented.

“He's in the best hospital, and he's got an excellent doctor who is motivated not just by oath, but by love as well,” Brad said. “How are you doing?” he asked me.

“I'm fine.” I didn't really know what else to say.

“You want to take a break, we'll keep an eye on him for you,” Brad offered.

“You trying to tell me that I need a shower?” I asked, smiling. Robbie gave me a dirty look. Evidently, I was supposed to be morbid and miserable, and any mirth was a sign of disrespect.

“You catch on pretty quick,” Brad said. I headed back to Lag and went through the motions, taking a shower, and putting my dirty clothes in my laundry bag. I hung up my towel and combed my hair, putting gel in and combing it forward as I always did. Then I put everything away, just where it belonged. I liked being organized. It took a while to do it, to make sure things were where they were supposed to be, but I decided that I saved a lot more energy that way as opposed to always trying to find something. I grabbed some food at the nasty cafeteria then headed right back to the hospital. I couldn't stand to be away from Matt for long. I'd fallen in love with him, totally and completely, but that really didn't surprise me. Everything I did, I gave it 110%. It was part of my upbringing, what it meant to be a Danfield. Never slack off, never just try. Winning was the only thing that counted. I kept trying to distance myself from my heritage and family, they'd fucked me up so badly, but I found that some of these tenets just wouldn't go away.

I walked into Matt's room to find Jack, Stef, and JP hovering over Matt's bed on one side, with Robbie and Brad on the other. JP moved aside thoughtfully and let me have my place back by Matt's side. “You're here just in time,” JP said. “Jack came in to brief us.” I looked at him, wondering if we'd actually get answers instead of the same lame-ass statement: ‘we need to wait for the tests to get back.’

“Thanks for waiting for me,” I said, being polite. “What did you find out?” I asked Jack.

“We found out quite a bit. His HIV Western Blot test came back negative,” he said, looking at me. “Yours did too.” Somehow, the relief from knowing that neither one of us had HIV seemed hollow. I lodged it in my brain for processing later, but I said nothing. He watched me for a reaction, but when he didn't get one, he continued. “The syphilis test was negative too. But the test for mono came back positive.”

People called medicine a science. It seemed to me that it was just as much intuition and luck. “That was a really good idea for you to retest him then,” I said, making Jack feel good about taking the right course of action. “So that's what's been causing all of this?” I asked. “Mono?” I didn't think that mono was that big of a debilitation.

“It has, at least in the beginning. Mono is an infection of the antibody-producing B-Lymphocytes; well known for producing all kinds of weird antibodies to everything. In fact, it's those antibodies that form the basis of the standard monospot test. The production of those antibodies explains the false positive HIV and syphilis test.” Jack was speaking in a very medical language, yet strangely enough, what he was saying made perfect sense.

“So the problem is mono. I don't remember anyone ever getting this sick from mono,” Robbie pointed out helpfully. Then I saw the look on Jack's face and knew that it was worse than that, much worse.

“Well, there's another problem,” Jack said somberly. “His kidney and liver functions are deteriorating quickly. We're planning to start dialysis tomorrow for the kidneys, but the liver is a different problem.”

“If you need to do the transplant, I'm ready whenever you need me to be,” Robbie said, more than willing to put his life on the line for his son. My heart went out to this guy who was so devoted to Matt, even though his collar was still crooked.

“I know that whatever you can do, you will do,” Jack said. “This isn't the time for that. For one thing, he's too weak. Dialysis should substitute for it just fine anyway.”

“You did a really good job of educating us about this,” I told Jack. Being polite was part of me, a habit. “If I recall correctly, dialysis will only solve the problems caused by kidney failure. What about the liver?” I asked.

“I'm worried about hepatorenal syndrome. He doesn't have it yet, as far as I can tell, but the way his liver is acting we could be seeing the early signs,” Jack said.

“So what does that mean?” Stef asked, speaking for the first time.

“It's a rapid deterioration of kidney function in combination with deterioration of the liver function,” Jack said. “He doesn't have it yet,” he reiterated. “We have to wait and see. The next four or five days will be crucial.”

'Crucial' was a pretty strong word. “When you say ‘crucial’, what do you mean?” I asked.

“If he develops hepatorenal syndrome, there's a chance he won't make it,” Jack said. He hurried on to reassure us and calm us before we all went apeshit. “We're not there yet, and even though he's weak, he's still functioning well enough. But for these next few days he'll be in the danger zone,” Jack said.

“What are the chances that he won't make it?” JP asked. It was almost bloodless, the way he asked, but I'd gotten to know him well enough to realize that was him being stressed. He got calm and factual when faced with a crisis.

“If he gets hepatorenal syndrome, the odds of survival are about 50/50. But he's not there yet, so don't panic,” Jack said. I looked down at Matt, at his handsome face, and even though I'd dreaded this news, even though I'd braced myself, the impact was too hard. I tried to control my emotions, but it was impossible. I felt tears forming in my eyes and felt them fall down my cheeks, oblivious to the other people around me. I wanted to be alone with him, to tell him stupid shit like how I couldn't go on without him, and to ask him to live, beg him to live, as if he weren't trying as hard as he could anyway.

There was a hand on my shoulder, and I looked to see Jack next to me. “I know this isn't very scientific, but I think he'll make it. It's just my instincts, but I really do.” As I was nodding at him, unconvinced, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and excused myself quickly to go answer it. The hospital had let me keep my phone with me and on, provided it was in pager mode. I saw the caller-id and forced the worry about Matt from my mind. I'd need it; I'd need to be at my peak level to deal with this new menace. As soon as I got outside and away from the restrictions, I returned the call.

“Hello Mother,” I said. I briefly wondered why I even bothered to call her back, but then again, not returning a phone call, that would just sit there and bother me for days.

“Wade, how good to hear your voice. I just called to check up on you,” she said. She rarely called to check up on me. There must be some ulterior motive, I thought cynically.

“That's not like you Mother,” I said. “You rarely call just to see how I'm doing. What do you want?” As polite as I was with everyone else, I found it impossible to be even mildly courteous to her. They knew they were braving a firestorm when they called me. My father was too big of a pussy to even try it.

“I heard that Matt is in the hospital. I'm very sorry. How is he?” she asked, smooth as silk.

“He's not doing well,” I told her. I felt my guard dropping, and knew that there was no one more dangerous to be vulnerable with than my mother. “They're not sure if he'll make it.”

“I'm so sorry to hear that,” she said, sounding remarkably sincere.

“Pardon me for being surprised,” I said rudely. Since when did she give a shit about me and my friends?

“That's really not fair Wade. I told you both when I left that if he makes you happy, then I'm happy as well. He really seems to care for you,” she said. She was either being sympathetic, a true rarity, or she was probing my wound, trying to make it hurt more.

“I'm sorry if you think I'm being unfair,” I said, which was the equivalent of saying, “fuck you.”

“He told me that if anything happened to him he'd release the tape. We clearly have had nothing to do with this illness. I'm assuming he won't do that,” she said. And that was the reason for her call, the reason for her concern. She didn't give a shit about me; she didn't give a shit about Matt. She just cared about her own power.

“I should have realized that would be paramount on your mind, Mother,” I said cynically. “Your concern for him was really surprising until I realized you had a more selfish motive.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone as she worked to control her anger. “I wonder if we will ever be able to have a normal relationship,” she asked, although it was less a question than an observation.

“Well, my shrink tells me that the reason I can't forgive you for all this crap is because you haven't said you're sorry. I told him that based on that, we'd better work on helping me deal with being unable to forgive you,” I told her bitterly.

“What do you want from me Wade? You want me to tell you that I'm sorry your father treated you so badly? I am truly sorry for that. You want me to tell you that I feel bad for not discovering what was wrong and stopping it? I'm sorry for that too. Whatever the transgression, just tell me,” she said. A less sincere apology would be difficult to imagine.

“If you were sincere, it might mean something. You know, the one thing I always wanted from you was impossible for you to give me. I've learned to just live without it, and I'm going to just leave it that way,” I snapped at her.

“What is this thing you wanted from me?” she asked coldly.

“I wanted you to love me,” I told her. She didn't say anything, and the pause became uncomfortably long until I ended it. “I have to go check on Matt, Mother.” Then I closed the phone. Somehow, dealing with her, letting her piss me off, cleared my mind. I looked into Matt's room, saw them all crowded around him, and found that I had no desire to walk back into that scene. There was one call I'd been dreading, that I'd been putting off, hoping I wouldn't have to make it, but I knew that I'd have to bite the bullet. I'd been unable to be polite to my parents; maybe I'd fare better with Matt's. I walked back outside and pulled up the number I'd gotten from Matt's cell phone and dialed it.

“Carrswold residence,” came a voice at the other end. It must be the maid. She didn't sound very cheerful. Working for Matt's parents probably wasn't a cakewalk.

“I'm calling for Dr. or Mrs. Carrswold,” I told her politely. So far so good.

“May I tell them who's calling?” she asked.

“Wade Danfield,” I enunciated clearly. I wondered if they'd remember who I was, if they'd remember the article in the Daily that Matt sent them. She excused herself to go tell them I was on the phone, and came back shortly.

“They are both busy right now. Can I take a message?” she asked.

I'd kind of expected that, so it didn't piss me off as much as it might have. “I'm sorry, but I really do need to talk to them right now. It's very urgent. Please tell them it's about their son, about Matt.”

“I'll tell them. Please hang on,” she said. I worked to keep myself from getting pissed off at these people who had rejected Matt and caused him so much pain, and who were too busy to talk to me when they knew it had to be about Matt.

“Hello,” said a male voice.

“Dr. Carrswold?” I asked.

“Yes. What can I do for you?” he asked tersely.

“I'm sorry to interrupt your Saturday, but Matt is in the hospital,” I said. “I thought you would want to know.” I wanted to ask him if he even gave a shit.

“What's wrong with him?” he asked, and there was a distinct note of concern in his voice.

“He's been really sick for the past week, and they've spent that time trying to isolate what has made him so ill. Today they finally figured out that he has mono,” I said. “Unfortunately, it's not like a normal case of mono. It's causing some pretty bad complications.”

“What kind of complications?” he asked.

“His kidneys and his liver are not functioning very well,” I said. “They've been getting progressively worse. They're worried that he'll develop hepatorenal syndrome.” I didn't know if he knew what that was or not, so I tried to think of a way to explain it without embarrassing him. “I'd never heard of it until now, but apparently when the kidneys and the liver stop functioning at the same time; it could cause some pretty severe problems. The bottom line is that if he does develop this syndrome, there's only a fifty percent chance that he'll survive.”

“He might die?” he asked, really horrified. The shock of that had ripped the veneer off, giving me an idea of how much he still cared about Matt. I found myself feeling jealous of Matt's parents, even though they treated him like shit. At least, at the core, they loved him. My parents didn't; probably never did, and probably never would.

“If he develops hepatorenal syndrome, it is a possibility,” I said coolly, then paused to internally think about how much I sounded like JP when I said that.

“I'd like to talk to him,” he said anxiously.

“If that were possible, I'd try to help you do that, but he isn't very coherent,” I said. “He drifts in and out of consciousness, and even when he's awake, he's not very lucid. That, and the hospital rules prohibit me from taking my cell phone into his room.” I was starting to talk like Jack. Too much time in the fucking hospital.

“I see. I'm extremely irritated that no one told me about this earlier,” he groused. I'd done so well up until then. I was really proud of myself for being polite and courteous when I really didn't like this man. But intimating that somehow the rest of us were responsible for the fact he didn't talk to his son just pissed me off. I felt my controls letting go, slipping away one by one, until I was angry and I could no longer contain it.

“Maybe no one bothered to call you because you all but cut Matt off, and you waited until the worst time to do it. Maybe no one called you because you're too busy sitting on your pedestal, casting down judgments, instead of thinking about Matt. Maybe if we thought you gave a shit, we would have called you earlier,” I said rudely. I could almost see him recoiling through the phone.

“Matt has made his own choices,” he said stubbornly.

“That certainly is true, Dr. Carrswold, and you've made yours. I wonder how you're going to feel if Matt doesn't make it, and you have to live the rest of your life knowing that he died thinking that you didn't love him. And when the time comes and you're standing at the Pearly Gates, I wonder how you're going to explain how you had the right to do that to him, and why you felt like you were fit to judge him. I wonder if Jesus would have acted like you did. You'll have to ask him about that, if they let you in” I spat.

“We will all have to face judgment day,” he said quietly.

“Well, Matt's been lucky enough to do that here on earth with you and your wife as the judge and jury, so he should pretty much have that covered. As for me, I won't ever have to,” I said.

“Yes you will,” he asserted.

“No, I won't. I don't believe there is a heaven or a hell, but even if I did, if people like you are populating heaven, I'd rather be in hell.” I paused to collect myself. I'd let my emotions get way out of control. Even though he deserved it, I was venting my frustration with my own parents at him. That was unfair and rude at a core level, so I got a grip on myself. But getting control of myself and feeling bad about going off on him were entirely different things. I didn't feel bad about what I said, and I didn't have any regrets. He deserved it, all of it. “In any event,” I said coldly, “I've told you what's going on. If you want to check up on him, feel free to call the hospital.”

“And for that, I am appreciative,” he said. Then he hung up the phone. I sighed and went in to see Matt, ignoring everyone else and pretending like it was just the two of us in the room. They must have seen the redness still in my face from the anger at Matt's parents and mine, and they seemed to sense that I wanted to be alone with Matt for a minute. That they obliged me was truly a magnanimous gesture on their part.

I saw his eyes flutter open, so I stood up to look down at him. He smiled a little bit, and that made my heart flutter. He was happy to see me. I knew he would be, our bond had gotten so strong so fast it was pretty scary, but very beautiful. “You're here,” he wheezed.

“Of course I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. They know what's wrong with you.” He looked at me, trying to get the energy to focus, but unable to say anything. “You have mono. Your HIV and syphilis tests are negative, and so are mine. But your kidneys and your liver are fucked up.” I knew I'd have to be terse, because he wouldn't be with me for long. “You have to preserve your strength. The next few days will be the critical time.”

“I love you,” he said weakly.

“I love you too,” I said. Then he drifted back to sleep and I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, trying not to cry again. I sat next to him and talked quietly into his ear. “You made me love you when I didn't want to. Then you jumped in and saved my life. You can't leave me now,” I pleaded. “You can't. You have to wake up and spend your life with me. That's how it has to be.” His hand fluttered in mine. Maybe he heard me. Even if he didn't, he had to feel my sincerity and my love.

February 28, 1999

I was heading back to the hospital, and I was tired and frustrated. I had my system worked out when it was basically just Matt and I. I could be there when he was coherent, and when he was resting, I could do my homework. But having all of these people around was ruining my routine. I knew I was being selfish, but I liked order in my life, and there was none to be had at the hospital. Then they'd come in with machines and started dialysis. That took a lot of shit to set up, so it seemed like a good time for me to head back to Lag and take a shower.

I got back and strolled into his room, expecting to find the family there, but instead there was only one guy. I'd recognize that blond hair anywhere. I walked up and put my hand on Cody's shoulder.

“Hey,” he said, giving me a warm smile. “He doesn't look too good.”

“He's fighting quite a battle inside there,” I said. I knew I sounded like I was in my 40's, but I couldn't help it. “Now he's on dialysis.”

“You think he knows I'm here?” he asked.

“I think so. He's been worse today, kind of like he's hallucinating, but I think he knows what's going on out here.” I walked over to Matt's other side, the one with the IV, and took his hand. They'd started dialysis and he had these tubes sticking out of his chest with blood flowing through them. His blood. It freaked me out, but I kept it under control.

I looked across at Cody, and I could see the love he had for Matt plainly on his face. Only it wasn't a threat to me, to our love. It wasn't a threat at all. He didn't have the same expression that I did when I looked at Matt and when Matt looked at me. His look was one of deep caring. I'd been really jealous when Matt had gone to LA to spend time with him, and I'd even felt jealous when we'd been with him together. But now, seeing his look, I understood him. I understood them. He looked over at me knowingly, smiled, and nodded. I wouldn't be jealous of them again, if I had the chance, I thought ruefully.

I was enjoying being there with him, with both of us doing everything to boost up this man who was important to both of us in different ways, when I saw Cody tense up. He got a really pissed off expression on his face, and since he was facing the door, we must have a new visitor. I turned around and saw a couple walk in, looking distraught.

The woman walked up to me and held out her hand. “You must be Wade. I recognize you from your picture. I'm Amanda Carrswold and this is my husband Edward.” These were Matt's parents. And they were here? I hid my shock and put my game face on.

“It's nice to meet you Mrs. Carrswold. I only wish it were under better circumstances,” I said politely, shaking her hand. “I'm sure Matt would appreciate you making the trip out here to see him.”

“I'm sorry for being so rude to you on the phone yesterday,” Dr. Carrswold said, extending his hand. “This hasn't been an easy time for any of us.”

I shook his hand and gave him my smile, the same one I used to charm Washington dowagers. “Please don't think anything more about it. I've been here day and night for the past week, and it gets a little overwhelming.” He smiled at me to say thank you. “You came out here to see Matt. Here, you can take my place,” I said, moving aside.

“I'm sure he'd rather see you than me,” his father said glumly.

“I'm not so sure about that. I really love him, and he loves me. But I think you being here is very important to him. Having you two hate him has been an open wound for him,” I said as pleasantly as I could. Cody and I backed away and let them sit next to Matt.

“We don't hate him, we never hated him. We just wanted to put pressure on him to get him to change,” Mrs. Carrswold said.

“Didn't really work too well,” Cody observed dryly. They ignored him, but the tension started to increase exponentially.

“Cody, would you give JP a call and let him know that the Carrswolds stopped in? I'm sure he'd like to know that,” I said. Cody recognized that I'd taken charge and I was dismissing him, and the Carrswolds seemed nervous at the mention of JP's name. Cody nodded and stalked out of the room.

“I, uh, I'm confused. Are you and Matt still together?” his father asked.

I smiled. He was trying to figure out which one of us was Matt's boyfriend, Cody or me. “We're very much together. Matt and Cody are good friends. Cody is very protective of him, as you saw.”

“This is all very strange for me. I never thought I'd be having a conversation with my son's boyfriend,” Dr. Carrswold said, trying to joke about it.

“You don't approve of me?” I teased. “You know, I've never had that problem before. That's the one good thing that comes from having a senator for a father.” They smiled, almost laughed at that. “I'll give you some time alone with Matt.”

“No, please. You don't have to leave,” his mother said as she sat next to him and took his hand. “Matt, it's Mummy. Can you hear me?” I saw his eyes flutter open. The poor guy, he probably thought he was hallucinating.

“Mummy?” he asked weakly. Tears flowed down her face.

“I'm here Matt. I'm here for you,” she said, almost a sob. His eyes shifted over to his father.

“Dad. You're here too. You came to see me!” It was really too much for them, to see their son, the son they'd treated like shit, respond to them, to be so happy to see them. He grinned, as much as he could, then drifted off again.

“Can he still hear us?” she asked me. I nodded, although I wasn't sure how true that was. “Matt, I'm so sorry about how we've treated you. I truly am. You have to get well so I can tell you that I love you. You just have to.”

“That goes for me too,” Dr. Carrswold said. “I love you Matt. No matter whom you sleep with, I'll still love you.”

I knew they were interacting with Matt, but since they'd asked me to stay, I felt that gave me the right to ask a question. “So what made you change your mind?”

They looked at each other, as if trying to decide who should answer the question. “There were a couple of things that opened our eyes,” he said. “The first one is actually your responsibility. I've always identified with your father politically. When you came out with such a splash, he didn't react like we did. He seemed to take it in stride, and recognize that you were his son, regardless of your orientation.”

I nodded, digesting that statement. It almost made me laugh, to think that my father's hypocrisy and my attempts to punish him had somehow reverberated out and had an impact on other intolerant bigots. “It wasn't easy for him either,' I said supportively. “What was the other factor?”

“We met with our minister,” Mrs. Carrswold said. “We're Episcopalians.” Of course. Just like my parents.

“He's new to our church, but we both like him and respect him, so we thought we'd seek his guidance. He told us almost the same thing that you told me on the phone yesterday,” Dr. Carrswold said. “Only he was a little more polite about it.” He smiled to tell me he was teasing me.

“I really am sorry about that,” I told him. “I usually have much better manners.”

“No, Wade, you were right to say what you said. If you wouldn't have called, we would have stayed in our world, stubborn and lonely. And Matt would be here, and he wouldn't know that we still love him,” he said. “Our minister told us that we had to do what God does, that we have to love Matt unconditionally. He reminded us that it's not our place to judge him.”

“I wish some of my father's followers would look at things so rationally,” I said bitterly.

Dr. Carrswold didn't really seem to hear me. “He went through those verses in the bible, the ones that we'd been told were so damning of homosexuality. Funny, I was so hard on Frank, Frank Hayes, and the minister said the same things he did. He pointed out that the references were so vague and convoluted, it was easy to draw any number of conclusions from them.” He got a really pissed off look on his face. “I feel like I've been misled by the church for all these years. It makes me question everything they say.”

“Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater,” Mrs. Carrswold said.

“There's nothing wrong with asking questions,” he told her firmly. “Blind obedience and adherence to doctrine isn't noble, it's stupid.” A nurse came in to check on Matt and interrupted the conversation. We watched as she checked his vital signs and took yet another vial of blood. He'd be weak even if he weren’t sick just from all the blood they took.

I wasn't really keeping track of time, I was just standing there with the Carrswolds while they looked hopefully at their son. The nurse left, but there was another bustle at the door. I turned to see JP, Stef, Brad, and Robbie standing there. I was a little nervous about that: it seemed kind of like overkill to mob the Carrswolds. This part of the scene had nothing to do with me. They got up to go talk to JP, and I took my seat next to Matt. He was really out of it. He tried to open his eyes and I just watched them roll around in their sockets with no direction, then he went back to sleep.

I pretended to focus on him while I was paying attention to the drama at the other end of the room.

“I'm glad you came out to see Matt,” JP said cordially, but with that cold edge to his voice. The rest of the group said nothing; they just stared at the Carrswolds. It wasn't a very friendly look either.

“I'm glad I'm getting the chance to see you again,” Dr. Carrswold said to JP. “To see all of you.” They looked at him, truly puzzled. “I want to apologize for how we acted at Thanksgiving. You opened your home and your family up to us, and we insulted you in front of everyone. You've been here for Matt even when we haven't.”

“We mean that, we really do,” Mrs. Carrswold said. “And not just for you, JP, but for the rest of you.” She walked up to Robbie and put her hand on his arm. “You especially. You offer to give my son part of your body, and we turn around and say such hateful things to you.”

“We are all guilty of making mistakes in our lives,” JP said soothingly. “Only the smartest people recognize them and try to rectify them.”

“I expected you to be gracious, JP. It's how you are,” Dr. Carrswold said. Then he looked at Stef and Brad. “You two are a little more hot-headed, but I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive us as well.”

There was silence for a moment, and I fought back the laughter inside, at seeing Brad and Stef grapple with being called hotheads. Robbie lost the battle first, and then JP, laughing at the two of them, while Brad and Stef looked at each other first, then glared at their partners. Brad was the one who got his wits back first. “Let's call it righteous indignation,” he said with a smile. “I think it is best if we put that all behind us. We need to be friendly if we're going to help Matt fight this thing.”

They turned to look over at us, and I looked away, not wanting to get caught blatantly eavesdropping. Matt's eyes fluttered, like he was trying to wake up.

“Just rest Matt. Be strong and get well,” I said softly into his ear. “You are so loved. Even your parents flew all the way out from Cleveland to tell you that.”

His eyes opened and his sight cleared briefly. “That was real?” He must have thought he was hallucinating.

“Yeah, it was real. Seems they've reconsidered their position on fags,” I teased, whispering in his ear. He zoned out again, and I looked over at them. Then they all filed back in the room and just stared at Matt until it got weird. I retreated over to ‘my’ bed and started doing some of my homework, trying to ignore their drama, and hoping they didn't wear Matt out too badly.

March 1, 1999

It had been a very long day. I'd gone to class, almost relieved to get out of the hospital. Not that I wanted to be away from Matt, but with everyone there it was awfully crowded, and a little too intense. I was worried that it was too stressful for Matt, but then again, these were all people he loved, so they should give him strength. They didn't give me strength, just the opposite. They sapped my energy. So I'd gone to class, spent some time studying, then headed back to the hospital.

I walked up to the room to find his parents sitting on one side, with Robbie and Brad on the other. I paused in the doorway to see if they were getting along, and they seemed to be, so I went ahead and walked in.

“Wade,” said his mother. “Come sit over here.” It was really sweet the way she yielded her place next to Matt to me. I walked up and took his hand. It felt clammy, and he looked worse than he had this morning. I forced myself to perk up, and to not give up hope, but it was getting harder and harder. It was as if I was watching him slowly fade away before my very eyes, and there was nothing I could do about it.

His eyes fluttered open and he looked out at me, his glazed look so sad until he recognized me and got a little animated. This was why I was here, to make sure he knew I loved him and to try and give him a reason to fight. “Hey,” I said gently. I instinctively leaned in to kiss him softly, forgetting that his parents were in the room. I looked sideways at them but they didn't seem bothered at all. I made a mental note not to blow him in front of them nonetheless, and that almost made me laugh. He faded back out just as quickly, so I sat there next to his bed like I had for so many days before.

Jack came in to give us an update, but I knew from the look on his face that it wouldn't be good news. “The dialysis has reduced his edema,” he said. I looked at his skin and seemed to notice that for the first time. He had grown a little swollen looking, but that puffiness was now gone. His skin was still yellowish though. “His liver enzymes are still climbing, and that's the dangerous thing right now. We're hoping those come under control.” He didn't bother to mention what would happen if they didn't. We already knew what the result would be.

I stayed in the background, periodically walking up to hold his hand and tell him that I was there and that I loved him. Other than that, I sat on my bed and did my work just like I had since he'd been admitted to this fucking place. It was hard to maintain my veneer of calm and politeness in the face of all this, but I was working at it, managing as best I could. I took a break and went out to get something for dinner, some real food. I'd managed to avoid having company. I was really tired of being around people; I just wanted some solace and some time for myself. But even that didn't make me happy, and I found that I spent most of my time in the restaurant organizing the sugar and sweetener packets so they all faced the same way.

Then I got back and they were all there again. It was really getting a little overwhelming, so much that I thought about leaving and going back to Lag, but I knew that of all these people Matt would want me here the most. If it were me, I'd want him here, and there was an ingrained sense of duty, another Danfield trait, that made me stick around. Finally, as evening dragged on, they started to leave, couple by couple.

After they had all gone, I scooted my bed over next to his and just crashed there next to Matt, watching him as he slept. He was doing worse than ever, and I began to wonder if he'd make it. I'd thought about it, thought about him dying as a concept, but never really thought it would happen. I sort of ruled that out as a possibility. Yet looking at him, so weak and so fragile, I began to wonder. His fever was still high, his liver and kidney functions were still getting worse, and he was almost completely out of it now. And when he was awake, he was hallucinating, so it was impossible to have any kind of verbal interaction with him. I leaned over and kissed him gently on the lips. Before, I usually felt some sort of response, but not this time.

“Hey,” a voice said. It was Cody. For some reason I didn't equate him with the rest of them. Maybe because he had been Matt's lover, or maybe because he understood me.

“What are you doing here so late?” I asked him pleasantly.

“I have to fly back tonight,” he said. “You have a minute?”

“Sure,” I said. “What do you want?” He motioned me to follow him and he led me into the bathroom.

“I want you to jack off,” he said.

“What?” What was he talking about? Was he losing it too?

“I want you to jack off. Well, actually I wanted to do it for you, but I didn't want to hit on you while Matt is in such bad shape.” I just stood there, frozen at his weird request. I felt him move up behind me and wrap his arms around me. It felt so good to be held again. His hands dropped down to my crotch and I was hard in no time. He unzipped my pants, took out my dick, and started stroking it.

“Mmm,” I heard myself say as I leaned back into him and let his hands work their magic. It had been a while since I'd blown, so I was pretty keyed up. I didn't last long. “I'm gonna cum,” I said urgently. He held his other hand near the end of my dick to catch my load, presumably so it didn't fly all over the floor.

“Yeah, that's it baby. Shoot that load,” he said in his sultry, masculine voice. That sent me over the edge. I bit back a cry as I blasted my first shot into his palm, then another, and another, and another, until I had emptied my balls into the palm of his hand. “Good job,” he cooed. He walked out of the bathroom with my load still in his hand. I zipped up my pants and followed him.

“What are you doing?” I demanded.

He walked up to Matt and dipped his index finger into my cum and then put it in Matt's mouth. “I'm reminding him what's waiting for him out here when he gets well.” I tried not to laugh but I couldn't. I was almost hysterical, watching Cody dip his finger into the pool of my cum in his hand and then let it drip into Matt's mouth. He didn't put all that much in, there was still a lot left in his palm. Then he looked at me, straight in the eyes, held up his palm, licked my cum off and swallowed it. It was probably the sexiest fucking thing I'd seen.

I just stood there, staring at him, and he laughed. He got up, walked over to me, gave me a nice kiss on the lips, and left. I just shook my head, chuckling, and wondering if Matt would recognize the taste.