Catering With Benefits (3) - An Appetite for More - 41. Five Stages

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Thomas had heard there are five stages of grief that start with denial and work through to acceptance. However it wasn’t working that way for him. Over the next week he felt all five stages at some time, but not in order. They came and went randomly. His fantasies, he accepted as denial, then he would snap out of the fantasy and feel depressed by reality. During the many phone calls he had to make there was a feeling of acceptance while he got on with the job at hand. Bargaining, he used as a way of suppressing the anger when thoughts of Jared’s infidelity wormed their way into his brain. This happened after Justin confessed to their sexual relationship. His bargain was that if you can do it then I wasn’t the evil one when I did it.

Then, each day, he would experience all the stages again, jumbled into a different order. There was anger when he found out Jared’s will left everything to his parents. There was depression when he realised he would have to move out of the house where he still felt Jared’s presence. Then acceptance again when he advised more friends and colleagues about Jared’s death in the professional manner he always used, to conduct business. But every night denial would creep into his bedroom and urge him to feel the presence of his partner sleeping beside him.

After a week he wondered if he would ever be able to get off the constant roller coaster of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. He felt it would have been better to follow the recommended course from denial to acceptance, but it was totally out of his control. That was what scared Thomas the most, a situation that was out of his control. He had experienced this loss of control once before, when Jared threw him out of the house after his night with Craig and Justin. Then he struck a bargain with himself; if I got over it before, then I’ll do it again. But, that didn’t last long when the reality of Jared never returning to him sent him into depression for a few days.

He thought work might help distract him but neither Jonathan nor Virginia would hear of him coming back until he was completely recovered. Although he remained on the payroll, he realised, there really wasn’t a job to go back to and that sent him into depression again. It wasn’t the money that bothered him or the effort of looking for another job. It was the feeling of not being needed and not being able to contribute in a meaningful way. Until he met Jared, work had been his life. Now they were both gone.

Another week passed by and finally Jared’s body was released by the coroner. His parents arranged the funeral, without asking for his input, and anger visited him again.

They had always accepted his sexuality and his relationship with Thomas, but despite all this they still saw it as their responsibility to make the funeral arrangements and invite Thomas.

Thomas, in turn, invited all Jared’s friends and colleagues and the closure of the imminent final goodbye brought about acceptance; for one day only.

The police sent Jared’s possessions, to his home address. Thomas was at first thrilled to receive these few personal items as reminders of his lover. He put on one of the shirts, inhaled the familiar smell of Jared and for a moment they were together again. The screen of Jared’s phone was smashed, so he turned it on and put it on charge to see if it still worked. He then laid his phone next to Jared’s and pushed them closer till they were touching. Next he opened the wallet, removed all the contents and laid them out, forming a display on the bed. Among the scattered personal objects were two photo IDs of Jared looking back at Thomas. He stared at these for a few minutes, then closed his eyes and allowed himself to fall face down on the contents of Jared’s wallet. Once again the familiar aroma brought Jared closer and his shirt became his arms wrapped around Thomas. At the bottom of Jared’s backpack, he found his snake nipple rings. Later in the day, Thomas placed Jared’s toothbrush back in his glass in the bathroom together with his half used tube of toothpaste, just in case.

These little actions seemed perfectly normal to Thomas, though he was not sure what they would achieve. It just felt good to do it. Over the next few days almost every object in the house became a symbol of Jared’s presence. These everyday objects like, the big red sofa, the remote control for the TV, that Jared always took possession of, and a hundred other small objects all once touched by Jared were taking on the power of relics in Thomas’ mind, today. The following day they were just reminders of Jared’s absence. The day after, they became potent symbols of the fact that Jared would never use them again. The coffee machine was purchased by Jared before Thomas moved in and was clearly his, so Thomas decided to take possession and assert his authority over this inanimate object, by making two coffees before he left for the funeral. A flat white for himself and a long black for Jared.

While enjoying his coffee a phone beeped. When Thomas went to collect the message he noticed it was Jared’s phone. It was a message from Dr. Winston’s office, reminding him of his appointment tomorrow. He had no idea why Jared had an appointment so he rang the number and asked what Dr, Winston’s speciality was. The receptionist advised that Dr. Winston was a psychiatrist and told him if he wanted to make an appointment he would need a referral from a GP. Thomas thanked her for her help, but said that was not necessary.

He then went back to the text message and replied ‘Unable to make tomorrow’s appointment, due to the need to attend a funeral. Please reschedule me for same time next week. Regards, Jared Haynes.’

Later in the day he received confirmation of the appointment.

***

Before the ceremony, Thomas introduced himself to Jared’s adoptive parents, who introduced themselves as Don and Shirley. They invited him to sit with them, which helped him get over some of the disappointment of not being asked to help with the funeral arrangements. But despite their kindness, he still felt he was being treated as an honoured guest, rather than a family member.

The ceremony, held at the crematorium chapel, was brief, conducted by a civil celebrant and attended by Jared’s family, current friends and some old army mates. On his coffin were a photograph, his old army slouch hat and his SAS beret. During the ceremony a representative from the Department of Defence added his service awards.

All the attention to the army part of Jared’s life was foreign to Thomas, who felt there was more to Jared than his army career. Had he been asked to contribute, he would like to have added a rainbow flag, an object from his pain studio and a set of dumbbells or his snake nipple rings, to represent Jared’s more recent life.

At the end of the ceremony, the coffin was mechanically lowered. Thomas presumed that represented burial and returning to the earth. It was then conveyed into the darkness and the care of the cremation staff.

Thomas stood up first and went in search of his friends. Andy and Dean stepped into the aisle as he reached their row and walked either side of him, arms over his shoulders, for their exit. Outside the chapel they were joined by Virginia, Jonathan, Desmond, Craig, Edward, Romel and Juanito, who surrounded Thomas like a comforting protective shield against the cold outside world. At that moment he felt he had reached acceptance and his grieving journey might be at an end.

***

At the function after the funeral, Shirley said “I wish we had met earlier, you might have told us more about Jared’s work than he did, and about his half brother. Is he here today?”

“No.”

“That seems odd. The way Jared spoke about him I thought they had become very close.”

“Oh... they were as close as any brothers can be.”

“Then do you know why he is not here today?”

“Um...he’s...unwell...and grieving of course. Got the flu, I think and didn’t want to spread it around. That’s it.”

“Sorry to hear that, perhaps we can meet him another time.”

“But there is someone else here you may like to meet; Jared’s birth mother.”

“I would love to meet her. It seems Jared kept various parts of his life in separate boxes. So many people here today that I don’t know. Who are that couple that arrived in a Rolls Royce. Don’t seem like the type of people Jared would know?”

“Oh, they are or were Jared’s employers and mine too. The Prices are wonderful people.”

“Could you introduce us to Jared’s mother?”

“I haven’t met her myself, but give me a minute, there is someone else here that will introduce you.”

Thomas found Craig, and was in a bit of a fluster. “Hi Craig, thanks for coming, I need your help.”

“Sure, what can I do?”

“Jared’s parents have not met so many people here, that he should have introduced to his parents. They’re asking about Justin, so I told them he’s sick. Then I opened my big mouth and said his birth mother is here, but I’ve never met here either. Can you do me a big favour and introduce them to her.”

“Happy to, when you introduce me to them.”

“Great, I’ll do that, then I’ll leave you with them, I’ve got to talk to Virginia and Jonathan before she meets them. I’m pretty sure he never told them why he was originally employed there.”

“Ok, I get it.”

Thomas introduced Craig to the Haynes, who in turn took them to meet Julia, while Thomas talked to the Prices.

“Virginia and Jonathan, thank you so much for coming today, I appreciate it and I know Jared would want you here.”

“Of course, we came for both Jared and you. Are you holding up?” asked Virginia.

“Yes, I’m coping. Some days are worse than others.”

“Well you know where we are and you’ve still got a key, so don’t be a stranger.”

“Of course not, but I need your help now.”

“Anything.” said Virginia “That’s why we’re here. What can we do?”

“Jared’s adoptive parents want to meet you and are curious about what work he used to do. Do you understand me?”

“There’s nothing to understand really. Jared was our gym manager, my personal trainer and driver. What else is there to know?” replied Jonathan.

“Thank you so much for that. Would you like to meet them now?”

“Yes, but they seem to be deep in conversation with a woman that I don’t know. Should we interrupt?”

“Perhaps you’re right, they’re speaking to his birth mother, Julia. Maybe we’ll leave it until they ask.”

Thomas was so busy handling introductions and managing the various parts of Jared’s life that he had not revealed to his family, that he forgot all about his own grieving for the day. Towards the end of the function he suddenly felt he needed some support and asked Virginia, if he could stay at Crystalline for the night.

“Thomas you will always have a home at Crystalline. Even after all the changes we are making to our lives the room will always be yours.” replied Jonathan.

Virginia than added “Thank you Jonathan, I couldn’t have put it better myself.” Then to Thomas “And I will add that Mallacoota will be your holiday home, whenever you wish to come.”

“Thank you both.”

“Our pleasure. I’ll call Lachlan to come over, if he’s not working, and I’ll get cook, oh I mean Mrs Cook, to prepare dinner for us.”

“Jonathan, that’s the first time you’ve ever called her Mrs Cook.” said Virginia.

“I always thought we called her cook, because that is what she does. So when Lachlan admonished me for not knowing her name, I asked. Turns out it is really her name, Geraldine Cook. Who would have thought?”

“I think I’m going to like this Lachlan of yours.”

“Good then you’ll meet him tonight.”

***

It wasn’t the form of bargaining he expected to engage in, but after the reception, Jared’s parents told him they wanted to make him an offer. Don said they thought it unfair that they should get all of Jared’s estate. They offered to gift him half the house if he wanted it and if they could agree on a value for him to buy the other half.

He was almost in denial that this was happening. He wondered why two people he had not even met before would be so generous. When he asked them, Shirley replied. “Thomas we loved Jared as much as any parents can love their only child. We always sought to raise him to be successful and happy. As a child and adolescent growing up he was always happy. He was successful at school, sports, university and in his career with the army. Then towards the end of his army career he faltered and seemed to lose direction for a year. That suddenly stopped when he met you. Although we never met before, we knew from the way Jared spoke about you and the change in his attitude to life that it was you who made him happy.”

“And we would be less than good parents if we didn’t recognise that in a tangible way. Giving you the opportunity to have Jared’s home, that we know he loved, is the best way we can see of perpetuating our memories of him and his love for you.” added his father.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Yes, would be a good start, son.”

“Of course, yes, wonderful and very generous of you. I didn’t know he spoke that much about me to you.”

“He didn’t speak about much else when he visited, that is until he found his half brother, then he took top billing.”

“Yes, they did become very close, very quickly.”

“Yes, it’s such a shame he couldn’t be here today.”

“I’m sure he wanted to be.” Thomas lied.

“Now, there is no hurry to do the formal transfer of the house ownership and certainly no reason for you to move out. It will take a few months for probate and then we can negotiate the rest. We want to assure you it will all be in your time. Do not rush things for us.” concluded Don.