Brian: Taking Courage - 3. Four Years Ago

"You going to the porno club, tonight?"

Brian looked at Gordon, shook his head and rolled his eyes, "Not a chance. All those girls with plastic tits and ugly blokes with stupidly big dicks. Not my scene. Besides, if I watch a porn film, I want to get my dick out and have a wank, and I'm certainly not going to do that with any of that lot around."

Brian and Gordon had started working for the Emir about the same time, both doing basic security duties, and had discovered that not only did they both have an Army background, but that Gordon lived not far from Brian back in the UK. Not that Gordon was from the area, his place was simply near where his parents had retired; that way, they could keep an eye on the flat when it was rented out. But the commonality provided a way in. They had both found the camp life rather wearing. Brian had been used to Army life where there was usually the chance of a local pub or something, perhaps even more. But here, there was nothing. The country was virtually tea-total, free time was effectively restricted to the camp because there was little for them beyond. No wonder the guys all saved money, there was fuck all to spend it on.

Gordon and Brian had got into the habit of going for walks, sometimes with a Scots bloke called Davey. Davey was into all things wildlife, and so noticed a lot more than Gordon and Brian did in the bleak, dry landscape that passed for countryside. They'd walk, talk about what they could see, about what they'd heard on the news, about sport (the camp did get Sky Sports by satellite, so that was something). Today, however, it was just Gordon and Brian on the walk.

Gordon pulled up short and looked over at Brian, "I agree with you wholeheartedly", he gave a rather cheeky grin, "thing is, your objection, is it a general one to having a wank with others present, or does it depend on the people?", and Gordon cocked his head on one side.

Brian could easily have said no, it wasn't something he did. But that would be lying and besides, he liked Gordon, so he smiled back, "Well, it does depend on the people."

"Like those present?"

Brian's eyes opened wider at Gordon's directness, he was used to shady dealings and circumlocutions when it came to hook-ups with guys, "Those present would do very nicely."

"So", and Gordon rubbed a hand across his groin, "you up a bit of fun?"

"Here?"

Gordon looked round in an exaggerated manner, "Well, I don't see anyone else" and he pushed his shorts down a little.

"Are we really doing this?"

Gordon wobbled his head from side to side, "Well, judging by the bulge there, I reckon someone's eager."

And Brian had to admit that he was eager and curious. He'd not had sex in months, but out here? Gordon pushed his shorts down some more, the guy wasn't wearing underwear and his belly and pubes seemed to be completely smooth. Brian took a step forward.

It was only a quick wank, nothing more, but Brian enjoyed having someone else's hand on his dick, even handling another guy's dick. Cleaned up, Gordon turned to him, and still with that wry smile, asked the sucker question.

"Is your girlfriend cool with you playing around with guys behind her back?"

Brian was somewhat taken aback, "Well, I thought..."

Gordon was still smiling, "Look, I'm good for a bit of fun, but I don't want to get into something that you'll regret later", he shrugged, "which means I'll regret it later as well. So what's it to be? A one-off quickie and no hard feelings?"

"Well, you know how it is with girlfriends when you're away."

"But the thing is, I see it slightly differently as I'm gay."

Brian stared, "Wow, I've never had anyone say that to me before."

"Never met a gay soldier?"

"Ah, didn't say that. But never been close enough to any blokes to talk about it."

"And your girlfriend?"

"She's ... Oh, I see. Well she's not quite my girlfriend at the moment, we're on a bit of a break."

Gordon simply stared and added an interrogatory mmm?

"We split up. She's got another bloke, had another bloke, but she's single now and", Brian shrugged, "I keep sort of hoping."

"If she's having fun then there's no reason why you shouldn't."

"Sort of."

"And you didn't do things with guys before?"

Brian was starting to feel a bit cornered, "I thought we were going to have a bit of fun, not an inquisition?"

"Well, I like to know what I'm getting into. OK?"

"Why me?"

"Honestly?", Brian simply nodded. Gordon enumerated things on his fingers, "Because you're cute, because you don't seem to bull-shit, because from what you were telling Davey that girlfriend of yours is leading you on, but mainly because all you've done when we've been on walks is stare at my crotch. Now, I know I'm decently endowed", Gordon smiled, "but I'm not that big. I figured you were interested?" Brian nodded but didn't say anything. "I'd rather you say it out loud."

"Yes, I'm interested." He paused, "Thing is, I've never done it openly before."

Gordon blinked at him, "What fucking century are we in, remind me?"

"Well, back home I never knew any gay guys and in the Army…", Brian shrugged, "And I'm supposed to be straight."

"Says who?"

"I've got a girlfriend, had a girlfriend, whatever. Got a ten-year-old son."

"Look, mate. The one doesn't preclude the other, you can have both. Some guys do, they make it work. I presume your girlfriend, if she lets you back, wouldn't be keen on you seeing blokes on the side?"

Brian laughed, "No bloody way!"

"Right, so here's what we'll do. On Friday, after mess, I plan to play a new film, one of a group I brought back last trip home. My own private stash."

"Porn?"

Gordon grinned, "Mainly. I've a selection, to suit a range of tastes. If you come over, then we can watch together, but we both get naked and do the nasty. Together. If you don't come, then no hard feelings and we can be mates and nothing more. OK?"

"OK. What sort of film?"

Gordon laughed and shook his head, "I've a couple of bisexual threesomes, two men and one woman, a few ordinary gay ones and a few scenes where it's straight sex but made for gay men."

"More dicks than tits?"

"Yep."

"Sounds good. Yes. I'll be over, and yes we can do the nasty."

"You done stuff before?"

"A bit. Not a lot. Thing is, there's stuff I'm not comfortable doing."

"Because I'm a guy?"

"No, because of Deirdre. Last time I was home we did stuff together."

"Bloody hell, mate. Are you and her on or not?"

"Not sure. She dumped me straight after. Again."

"Stringing you along, giving you just enough?"

"I know, I'm an idiot but… Well… Toby. I want to stay close to him."

"Your son?"

"Yeah."

"So, not doing stuff?"

"No kissing, I won't go down on you, and I won't fuck you."

"I can go down on you?", Brian nodded, "and fuck you?", Brian's eyes widened but he nodded. "What about rimming?"

"I've never done that, and you certainly wouldn't catch Deirdre doing something like that. So OK. Thing is. I've never done anal."

"Is that a problem, you don't like it?"

"No, never had chance", Brian shifted and looked uncomfortable, "I've never actually done it in a bed."

"Just in cottages?"

"And behind barrack blocks."

"Bloody hell man, what century? I can see we've got to educate you. Come on."

---

"Can I ask you a question?"

Brian and Gordon were lying on Gordon's bed, there was a film playing on Gordon's laptop, sound off - the man seemed to have a constant supply of porn films. This one was an arty one, so there were erect dicks, but the lighting was moody and there was an element of drama and plot. Both men were naked, and Brian had his hand on Gordon's shaved crotch.

"Can't guarantee to answer but ask away."

"Why do you shave your bits?"

"Well, the answer I usually give is that I'm not hairy and pubes seem pointless."

"And the real answer?"

"Because I like it, because I keep hoping that I'll meet a guy who shaves as well."

"It turns you on?"

"Not so much the shaving, though guys do get off on that, but the smoothness and seeing it without hair. Can't really explain, just something. Why, it turn you off?"

"Quite the opposite", and Brian grinned.

Gordon turned to him; the bloke looked so cute. Brian was big and burly, but there was something about him; Gordon wanted to kiss him and take care of him. But that wasn't allowed. So, he got down to what was allowed, and swallowed Brian's not insubstantial dick whole, then Gordon scooted down and lifted Brian's legs up.

Brian had never felt anything like it, the first time Gordon had rimmed him. The idea of a guy willingly sticking his tongue up someone's shithole seemed weird, until Brian actually felt it. Then the first time he'd done it to Gordon, Brian had almost exploded. It was weird, yes, but hot too. And something entirely alien, far different to the way sex with Deirdre had been. The same when Gordon entered him, and Brian loved it, the feeling of Gordon inside him. It also left him confused, and angry sometimes. Gordon got pissed off at Brian's list of do's and don'ts, and Brian got angry at the feelings that being with Gordon engendered. Confusion and more. He couldn't be gay, could he?

---

"You want the long story?"

Brian looked at Gordon enquiringly, they were having a drink in the mess. It wasn't bad, really, a modern bar though alcohol was either absent or strictly limited, but there were plenty of facilities including a huge TV, which was popular for sport, pool tables and even a library. A decent amount of cash had been spent on creating a more than decent club-house for them. Meals in the adjacent dining room were copious and better standard than Army cuisine. But after a while, it palled, turned into same-old, same-old. The round-the-clock nature of their duties meant that you never knew quite who would be around and who was catching some kip. Unless there was something like a major sporting event, guys would make their own entertainments. This evening it was quiet, just a few blokes playing cards and that was it. Gordon and Brian were alone in their corner.

"About?"

"Shaving and stuff. It's sort of personal, but I'd prefer if you knew properly."

Brian thought this was getting heavy, but he nodded.

"My Dad's younger brother worked for some sort of big financial firm; his job took him all over, so we'd only see him in chunks, when he was in Britain. He was a bit younger than Dad and very different. Mum and Dad were all about freedom, going off on travels in a camper van in the countryside, wild camping, that sort of thing. Holidays with them were always the same. But with my uncle, he'd take me away, and I never knew what we'd get up to, but he seemed to know how to entertain a teenager. He was gay, but there was never any fuss about that, it was just a fact of life.

"Anyroad, one Summer when I was turned 15, we made an expedition somewhere. I forget where, it was only a day trip, nothing particularly exotic, but things didn't work out, places were closed. Uncle improvised and suggested a swim, and well we ended up skinny dipping in an old mill pond that he knew of. I'd never done anything like it before, and it was great fun. Thing was, I learned a bit more about Uncle that day too. He was going commando, which I thought was supremely cool and rather rude. And he was shaved, completely. I'd never seen anyone like that and, well I found it interesting."

"You and he, you know, have sex?"

"Not at all, it was completely innocent. I just got a good eyeful. I decided that I fancied doing it and just before he left, plucked up the courage to mention it. He was completely open, that's one thing he and Dad had in common, you could ask them anything. Explained how you'd do it, and talked about going commando and how he now did it all the time. I was entranced. I shaved everything off and spent the rest of the Summer like that, as well as not bothering with underwear."

"Didn't your Mum notice?"

Gordon smiled and shook his head, "Thing about Mum, about both of them, was that the nitty gritty of looking after a child didn't interest them. That, and feeling that children should learn to express themselves and experiment." He shrugged, "So, by the time I was 15 I'd learned that if I wanted to be certain of having clean clothes for the morning, then I had to organise it myself. Think that's why the Army appealed, having a structure in life. So, anyway, no. Mother never noticed. And when I went back to school, I continued."

"What, no pubes and no underwear?"

Gordon smiled, "Yep. Caused a bit of a sensation. Until some other boy did something stupid and became the next thing to be talked about. No-one joined me in going commando, but a few started shaving bits and trimming down there. Now, we had one sports class where we went in to get undressed as guys in the year above were getting dressed, so they'd get to see us. There was one posh guy, Ralph, who lived in an expensive house and hung around with the other posh boys. He was attractive, but I'd never dream of making a move."

"Were you out at school?"

"Bloody Hell, no. A few mates knew, and we'd sort of experiment at parties though the odd blow job was as far as it went. And most of those guys were just curious. And the school didn't actually approve, there was a sort of moral code. I didn't really realise completely till we fell foul of it, but that's to get a bit ahead of myself. Anyroad, this Ralph came up to me in the playground and quietly said that he thought my new look was real cool. I stared at him and, well, something clicked. He suggested that maybe I could come over to his place one day after school, as he had it to himself till around 7pm when his Mum and Dad got back home. I was tempted, but also wary, thought about the traps I might fall into. Uncle had talked about being upfront with people when dealing with them, saying you were interested or not, and stuff, so I told him I might but how could I trust him. Anyroad, upshot was that I met him behind the sports block the next day. This was dodgy enough, quiet enough to be a place where you could get a beating, but I figured I'd risk that."

"And?"

"It wasn't a beating. He kissed me. First time a bloke had kissed me properly, we didn't do that sort of thing with my mates. And I could feel his dick was hard, and he felt mine. Afterwards, he said, 'That satisfy you?' and I nodded. He grinned. And we arranged to meet up."

"And?"

Gordon grinned, "He lived in a really fancy house, that was a far cry from our ramshackle place."

"Why was yours ramshackle?"

Gordon pulled a face, "Because Mum and Dad got it dirt cheap, and it needed doing up. There were outbuildings which became studios for both of them, but it took years. I was out of the Army by the time they'd got round to the kitchen. It looks great now, but life was like that. Dad was more interested in his work."

"He was an artist?"

"Yeah, they both are. Mum painted, and managed Dad, doing the paperwork and that, whilst Dad made jewellery and painted bigger stuff that got exhibited but didn't always make money."

"Christ, it's different to me, living on a farm, or rather ex-farm. Grandad sold it when I was tiny so all I really remember is the house, which is where Mum still lives. What happened with Ralph?"

Gordon gave a grin, "We had a great time. Started seeing each other regularly. On the sly, like. He was just a mate, at least that's what we told everybody. Except Mum and Dad."

"Why, what happened with them?"

"He came round to our place. Door on my bedroom never really shut properly and well, Mum saw us."

"And?"

"They liked him, though he was a good influence. Suggested that next time, he stay. In my bed."

"You mean, like, they encouraged you to have sex with another boy?"

Gordon grinned, "Finding my own path. As long as we were decent and discreet, all was fine."

"But?"

"Well, the problems happened at school. Oh, we didn't do anything, we were cautious but…", he shrugged, "We got called into the headmaster's office. Warned. Such close relationships were not part of the school's ethos, such things were immoral. That sort of rubbish."

"What happened?"

"Mum and Dad steamed in", he shook his head, "Christ, I'd never seen anything like it. They turned up the next day, unannounced, after school finished. Demanded an interview with the headmaster. I suppose I should explain, Mum and Dad were", he shrugged, "are, ex-hippies. Freedom and all that. But there is a political element too, despising business and things seen as right-wing. None of that really impinged on life at home, but they were also very anti-religion and the moral stuff the headmaster came out with was too far for them."

"How come you ended up at the school in the first place?"

"It was a good school; it was near home. But turned out, it wasn't a good school for me. Too academic."

"So?"

"Here, let me show you a picture. It was taken only a few years ago, but they look and dress pretty much the same." Gordon pulled up his phone and Brian saw a middle-aged couple, she with a mass of shoulder length frizzy gray hair, he with it unfashionably long, also gray, with a big beard. She was wearing open toed flat sandals and a floaty dress that could almost have been made from multi-coloured handkerchiefs, he was wearing a baggy corduroy suit. She was relaxing against him, and the two looked characterful and friendly. Just not the parents of an Army boy.

"They were seen as nice, rather fey, arty and a bit odd. Would turn up to parents day and ask all sorts of strange questions. But this was the other side to them, the one that went out on protest marches when they were in their twenties. Scared the life out of the headmaster."

"And..."

"I didn't go back. I was kept off school for the rest of the term, supposed to be doing stuff teachers set, but no-one checked. Come January, I went to another school, this one was far more to my taste, less academic, it had an ATC and Army Cadets. Mum and Dad didn't approve of that, but I loved it."

"And the gay thing?"

"That was the odd thing, the new school didn't turn a hair. I was open. Only problem was that Ralph freaked out, went one firmly back into the closet; so deep that he started appearing with a girlfriend."

"You see him now?"

"Bloody hell no. Don't see any of that crowd."

"Maybe you should?"

Gordon pulled a face.

"What happened to your Uncle?"

"Real shit-show, there. He was somewhere in the Middle-East on business. Supposedly everything was quiet and there were no problems. He got shot when a gunman ran riot."

"Shit, that sucks."

"Yeah. He'd always lived in hotels and rented flats but had bought a flat back home as an investment. It was let and managed. Well, I inherited it. Plus a small annuity to help with the maintenance. And it was fully paid up, mortgage free."

"Jammy bugger."

"Yeah, so I have a flat to go back to. On the one hand, Mum and Dad regarded Unc's investment in the flat as an example of filthy capitalism and Dad can go on at length about the iniquities of private landlords", then he grinned, "but on the other hand, they are happy I have my own place and they've been helping keep an eye on it when I rented it out."