Rocked To The Core - 5. Like a Lost Puppy, and Figuring Things Out

Thursday June 8 - In Bryson's mind

After I left Chik-Fil-A, I turned a few times into the direction I thought my place was. Nothing looked familiar. Well, the restaurant wasn't too far from home, it has to be around here somewhere. After wandering around for about an hour, I'm completely lost. I can't even put the address into my phone because I don't remember it. How could I not remember the address? I didn't just move in, there was old food in the refrigerator. Wait. Do I have a license? Yes. Not Bryson Burlington, but Jeremy Berger? Can't worry about that now. OK, put in that address. Searching... Not found? What the fuck? Maybe just the street? Damn. Do I have a bogus address on my license? And it says I am Jeremy. Does that look like me? Yeah, I guess so. Oh, thank God, a bus stop. I need to rest. I need to think.

I wrack my brains for another ten minutes or so, not being able to figure things out. I'm so frustrated, I can't even think. Oh, great; I'm sobbing. Just what I need now. What'd that guy say? 'When I realize I don't know what's going on, he's D-A in my contacts.' Shit. Do I trust someone who broke into my place? He had my keys and obviously knew me as this Jeremy fellow. OK, take a breath. D-A. With a fucking heart? Do I love this guy? How gay! Damn, what choice do I have? I don't know anybody else. The phone on the other end rings.

"Thank God, Jeremy. Do you remember me now?"

In amongst the sniffles and the occasional sob...

"No. But I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I went to get something to eat and couldn't figure out how to get home. I'm sorry to bother you, but I don't remember anyone else. Just the lady who called and asked if I was coming to dinner."

"It's no bother. Calm down and tell me what you're near."

"Um, I'm at a corner, in a bus stop. I don't see a street sign, but there's a Mobil station across one street, a medical complex across the other street. On the opposite side, it looks like a bar. Danny's, Donny's?"

"OK. I know where you are. Don't move. I've already talked to the doctor who treated you for your head injury and you need to go back to the hospital. I should be there in less than 10 minutes."

"I won't go anywhere else. Thanks so much."

"No worries. I'm on my way. Bye."

"B..."

I guess he really is on his way. I can't believe I lost my memory. And he said I lost it after some accident? So, twice? Yes, if he'd been with me most of the last three days. What do I do if it doesn't come back? How do I live? After a few more minutes of waiting and worrying, an SUV pulls up.

"Hi Bryson, get in."

Off to the hospital I go. Once again, I suppose.

Switching back over into Derek

We get to the hospital and walk in through the emergency room. I explain the situation to the triage nurse and she has us take a seat in the waiting area. She can't help but notice the bandages on Jeremy's head and apparently bumps up his priority, because it isn't a long wait at all. We go into the back, she sets him up in a room, and we wait again. Another person comes in to check if all his information is the same. We say it is. I had to help him out there. Back to the waiting game. Finally, someone who looks like a doctor comes in.

"I see you have some memory loss. I'm Dr. Ann Crichton, yes, like the author. I took a look at your records before coming in. I think the first thing we need to do is get another CT scan, see if anything changed since you left earlier. Are you experiencing any pain?"

"Just a dull, throbbing headache."

"On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst pain you've ever felt?"

"I guess five."

"All over, or is it centralized?"

"All over, but it's worse in the back, on my left, near the top."

"That's where the fracture is. Did you suffer any other injuries since you left earlier? No matter how minor you think it may have been? Any dizziness?"

"Since I don't know when I was here last, I only remember things since I woke up from a nap, I don't think so. No dizziness."

"Do you remember anything from further back?"

"I thought I remembered my name, but everything indicates I'm someone else. Jeremy Berger."

"That's on your ID, so we'll go with that for now. Anything else? Somewhere you used to live? Brothers or sisters? Other family?"

"No. Nothing. Is this permanent?"

"Permanent amnesia is quite rare. We'll see what the CT scan shows first. With a head injury like yours, inflammation is not uncommon. That can be treated pharmacologically, the memory often returns after the swelling recedes."

"OK."

"And here's your ride to radiology. Can you stand and get into the chair, or do we need to move the entire bed? Either is OK."

"I can stand."

But upon trying that, it was pretty apparent he couldn't.

"Whoa. There's the dizziness you asked about."

"OK, just lie back."

Jeremy is taken away to get further checked out. The orderly brings him back about twenty minutes later. We wait again, this time for almost an hour, before somebody else shows up.

"Good evening Mr. Berger. I'm Doctor Jerome. Head of neurology here. It seems you're an interesting story. Can you summarize what happened to you?"

"I woke up from a nap and wasn't who I thought I was."

The doctor chuckles.

"Sorry about that. I see. Who is this?"

"I'm his friend, Derek Arriens."

"Do you know more about what's happened to him?"

I recount everything I know about, from the accident on Tuesday until bringing him in again. Just then, his tablet dings.

"That'll be your scan results. Do you wish privacy Jeremy, or can your friend listen in?"

"He can stay."

"OK. Your initial injury caused a hairline fracture and a concussion. There is a new bruise in front of your left temple. Says here you don't remember bumping your head. Is that correct?"

"Right. I don't remember that."

"Apparently you hit your head pretty badly on a solid, rounded object. Anything in your home that may have caused that?"

"I don't know."

"Derek?"

"His nightstands have rounded edges. I suppose he hit one of them getting into or out of bed."

"That would be it, since the second occurrence of memory loss was noticed after you woke from a nap. You definitely have some increased inflammation, swelling, that is putting pressure on your brain. I believe we should start with a drug regimen to see if we can get the swelling down without surgery. We'll admit you, start a treatment plan, and see how things go in the next 48 to 72 hours. If the swelling doesn't abate significantly, we'll have to consider surgery to reduce the swelling. I truly hope we can avoid that. I'm not one to ever make cutting the first choice. Get some rest tonight and I'll see you in the morning."

"Thank you doctor Jerome."

"You don't have to stay, Derek. All that's going to happen tonight is they move me and I sleep."

I want to leave, and I want to stay, but he's right, nothing's going to happen.

"OK, you're apparently in good hands. I'll see you in the morning."

"Yep, goodnight. And thanks again for coming to my rescue."

"You're welcome. Hopefully it won't need to happen again. 'Nite."

Friday June 9

I go back in the morning, again, in uniform. Hey, if it works to get me in any time of day, I'm using it. Jeremy's still asleep, so I head to the nurse's station to ask what they know.

"And you are?"

"Derek Arriens. I'm his friend, but he has nobody else in the area that he remembers. Technically, he doesn't remember me, but I've been helping him out. I just want to know if there's been any change."

"Nothing yet. Dr. Jerome has another CT scan scheduled this afternoon. He'll have had three doses of dexamethasone by lunchtime. Ideally, there will be at least a little reduction of inflammation."

"Thanks. I suppose a lot of waiting is going to be expected."

"Yes, unfortunately. But Dr. Jerome prefers not to operate unless it's absolutely necessary. Your friend is in good hands."

"Thanks again."

I head back to Jeremy's room to sit and wait. I call Dennis and give him an update and tell him I'll be taking the next three days as vacation days. He's OK with that. One of the older guys on the squad just had another child, so he appreciates the overtime. Older from my perspective, I think he's like 30. I'm playing a game on my phone when Jeremy wakes up.

"Derek. You're here?"

"No place I'd rather be. Well, I'd rather be sitting in a movie theater with you or something like that. But if you're here, I'm here. Maybe I'll sleep in the other bed. Hehe."

"I know you're joking, but if I'm sleeping, there's no reason for you to be here. You've done so much for me already."

"Yeah, but I'm going to keep doing whatever I can to help you recover."

"Thanks. Can I ask some questions?"

"Sure."

"I noticed your contact has a heart. Is there some special meaning to that?"

"Deja vu."

"Huh?"

"You asked that before you lost your memory again."

"Oh. Sorry."

"No worries. Before the accident, and you lost your memory of the past two years or so, we were boyfriends. We made that icon for both of us to use."

"I'm gay?"

Oh. Fuck. Well, I guess that was to be expected since he doesn't remember anything from before when he woke up after yesterday's nap. But, shit, that is very upsetting.

"Um, well, yeah. I guess I'd have to say you were. If you don't get your memory back, that may no longer be the case."

"Damn. This is all so fucked up. How long were we boyfriends?"

Ouch, that 'were' in there hurt.

"We met almost a year and a half ago, got to be friends, and started going out a couple months later."

"OK. I guess I can understand that. If I was or am gay, you're a pretty good-looking guy, I got lucky catching you."

"Hehe. Yeah, we were both lucky."

"Oh, God. This must be tearing you up inside, me not remembering anything about you, or us."

"It's been difficult, for sure."

"Well, if I don't get my memory back, and I do turn out gay. I'll go out with you again."

"We'll see. I don't want you to make a commitment based on just the fact that we were together. If it works out that way, awesome. But I'm not going to force you into anything."

As painful as that will be.

He asked a little about his past, did he have a job, etc. But mostly we talked about the general area, what's here, where we liked to go. Mostly safe things. I could tell it bothered him that I was going through this, so he tried to keep the subjects neutral. After a while, the volunteers started passing out lunch, so I ran down to the cafeteria and got a burger, fries, and a soda to bring back up to eat with him. Funny; it may be the only kind of burger I ever get again. I may be limited to cheeseburgers, not Jeremy Bergers.

After lunch, they came and took him for his CT scan. The radiologist said the doctor would come by later to discuss the results. Yippee, more waiting. It wasn't until almost 4 before Dr. Jerome appeared.

"Sorry it took so long for me to get here. We had another emergency. Anyway, I have some good news. The swelling has come down some. Not a lot, but I was quite worried that it would get worse, so even a little progress is good."

"That's great. What about my memory?"

"Still have to play the waiting game there. There is still a significant amount of inflammation, but the pressure on your brain has been reduced a little. But it's a good sign. Today's reading is very close to your first scan. As more reduction occurs, you may start getting things back. Unfortunately, there's no way of knowing how much or how long it will take. But the swelling reducing is definitely a step in the right direction. Other questions?"

"No, I guess not. I just hate being like this."

"Patience, young man. Time is your best friend right now. You're young. Waiting is hard, I know, but I think the prospect of your memory returning is good. I'll see you again tomorrow afternoon, after your next scan."

"Thanks Doctor... I appreciate you spending the day with me, Derek, but I'm kind of tired. If you want to stay, I won't stop you, but there's no point. Go home, have dinner with your family, assuming you don't live alone. I'm not going anywhere."

"Yeah. I need a break too. We're both under a lot of stress. OK, you rest up and I'll see you again in the morning."

"OK, bye."

I get home, dinner's not ready yet, but I need to talk this whole thing through with someone. Family is too close and will probably just tell me everything will be OK, anyway. It's been a couple weeks since I talked to Brenda, probably close to a month since I've seen her. She won't sugar-coat anything.

"Hello?"

"Hi Brenda. It's Derek."

"Oh, hey Derek. I know it's cliche, but I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently. How are things going?"

"Maybe I've been sending out negative vibes or something. Actually, it's not been going well. I need someone to talk to and family just won't cut it."

"What about Jeremy?"

"It's about Jeremy."

"Trouble in paradise?"

"Kind of. I was hoping even though it's Friday, maybe we could go somewhere and talk for a while?"

"I'm meeting some friends later, but not until 9:00. Buy me pizza?"

"Definitely. A small price to pay for a favor."

"Great. Give me about fifteen minutes?"

"Sure, I'll pick you up then."

"Great."

Brenda only lives about two minutes away, so I don't have to hurry.

"Hey mom. I hate to bail at the last minute, but this situation with Jeremy has got me out of sorts. I'm going to grab some pizza with Brenda, so I'll miss dinner."

"That's fine, Derek. I've seen how upset you've been this week. Brenda's always been a good friend. I know you've listened to her problems a number of times. Don't worry about it. Say hi for me."

"Thanks, will do."

I head to the bathroom to freshen up a bit. I haven't really been too concerned with hygiene lately. No reason to stink Brenda out, though. I showered this morning, but sitting with Jeremy all day, while I'm happy to do it, is pretty stressful. At the appointed time, I walk up to Brenda's door and ring the bell. She greets me with a hug and kiss. She's the only female I'll kiss on the lips, but it's always just a peck. We tried more in our early teens, but there was no magic. That's pretty much how I discovered I was gay.

"Hey stranger."

"No stranger than you."

"So, pizza first or talk first?"

"Pizza, if you don't mind. And mom says hi."

"No problem, you're the one who wants to talk."

"I can lay the groundwork over pizza, but the details will need to be in a quiet, private place."

"Hmmm. Coming over to the other side and you want to test the waters with me?"

"No."

My tone obviously told her our usual banter wasn't helpful. I was only planning on being serious.

"OK. Sorry. Not a joking matter."

"It's OK."

We headed to the pizza place, split a pie, half peppers and olives, half sausage and pepperoni. How anybody can eat pizza with any kind of vegetable topping is beyond me. But, to each their own. I did make sure none of her veggies strayed onto my half before taking a bite. Fortunately, the restaurant was pretty empty, and we were able to get a corner table with nobody nearby.

"So, Jeremy had an accident at work on Tuesday. He's mostly OK. He has a hairline skull fracture and has a concussion."

"Oh, no. What happened?"

"The house he was working at had the roof cave in. Apparently, a carpenter knocked down a wall he wasn't supposed to."

"That doesn't sound good."

"No. His boss died; his head was pretty much crushed. He landed on top of Jeremy and took the brunt of the impact."

"How is Jeremy taking it?"

"That's part of the problem. He doesn't remember anything."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing before he woke up from a nap yesterday. Initially, he'd forgotten everything since his dad kicked him out. He must have smacked his head either lying down for that nap or getting up from it. That blew away all memory before that point."

"I'm getting it. So, he doesn't remember anything about you."

"Right. Although enough has happened since that time and I have told him we were boyfriends. He didn't even realize he was gay."

"Oh, no. How did you take that?"

"As well as I'd take a Mike Tyson punch. But on the outside, maybe just a flinch and frown. I don't know what I'm going to do if he never regains his memory. He's the first guy I'd ever had serious feelings for, the first guy I ever loved. Maybe we can stay friends, but you know as well as anybody does how a guy, gay or straight, responds to 'let's just be friends.' It just sucks."

"What is the possibility of him regaining his memories?"

"They can't say at this time. When the swelling in his brain goes away, the memories may come back. But they can't know for sure. I'm trying to stay strong to help him through this, but the prospect of it being over is tearing me up inside."

"OK. HEY! Snap out of it! It's like you're wondering if you're going to survive WW III. You're worrying about something that may never happen. How long did the doctors say before they knew more?"

"If the swelling continues to go down, another 24 to 48 hours. If it doesn't, he may need surgery to relieve the pressure."

"OK. This isn't going to be easy for you to do, but you have to put all those negative thoughts out of your mind. Innocent until proven guilty, recovered until proven otherwise. Your Jeremy is on vacation, and he'll be back in a day or two. However, you want to think about it being a positive outcome is what you have to do. Stop with the pessimism. I know you're a 'glass is almost empty' kind of guy, never really approaching even half-full. But for your own sanity, you need to come up from the depths of pessimistic darkness. Come into the light."

"I knew you wouldn't sugar-coat it, and go all 'don't worry, it'll be OK' on me. That's why I couldn't talk to my family about this. You're challenging me to believe it will all be OK. Not to wallow in self-pity. Mom and dad would never say snap out of it. Thanks."

"You're welcome. As payment, you need to take me somewhere and fuck me!"

"Whaaaat? No way."

"Good. Jeremy still has the right guy, whether he remembers it or not. If not, I'm sure you'll make him fall back in love with you."

Next Up - "Which Jeremy Wakes up on Saturday?"