As They Say - (Revised) - 23. Entry 31

28th May 1991:

Great news... and it's a great start to this diary entry, but I said what the hell? I might as well tell the journal anyway. You're my like best friend, I guess. Well, you know, you get to know all my secrets just because I can't tell Carl all these gay things I'm feeling. So, I might as well put it here.

Great, I'm talking to a book again.

Okay, anyway, let's just get on with it. My aunt Stephanie had a baby boy at 4:30 in the morning. I didn't get to meet with Ross today. I would've so much more enjoyed being with Ross today, but then again, I can't not show up for the new family member. Couldn't she just keep her legs closed for an extra day or something? I would've been able to possibly tell Ross how I feel about him, but now anything that I've built up feels like it's come tumbling down like a pile of bricks.

I only got back about an hour ago from the hospital. Mam wanted to stay the entire day just to see this newborn baby. I mean, what's so interesting about it? Yeah, a new human has been born. What's so wonderful about that? There are thousands of births a day. Why should that one be any more exciting?

Okay, that sounds a little harsh; I'm not like that. I don't want to be like that. I'm not trying to be mean here or anything. I just got so worked up from last night after I went to bed. I was ready to say something to Ross. Even if it wasn't like, ‘hey, I love you, Ross’, or I caved and told him something entirely different, which was entirely off the concept.

I guess that would've been great too. I shouldn't be taking my frustration out on a baby; that's a new sort of low. He was cute— the baby though not Ross.

Ugh... Though Ross is lovely too.

But I'm talking about the baby. He was this chubby little wreak of happiness. His skin looked so raw. Why was he so red looking; did he overcook in the oven? And most of the time, he was just sleeping, so I didn't even get to see him awake. On top of that, Aunt Stephanie was a little exhausted and a bit grouchy. Yeah, I'd be probably a bit cranky if I pushed that thing out of me too…

I don't know how I'll feel about tomorrow. After last night, I started to feel like I could do it, like standing in front of my mirror. I was practically telling myself that I could just go down there first thing in the morning, knock on his door, and when Ross opened up, I'd tell him that I love him. And then Ross would probably be quiet, and then my heart would be like a stereo in my chest, beating like a beat-up clunker of a machine. Even the thought of it right now is making my knees go weak, and I'm sitting down... sigh. Now that I think of it... what if I blurted that out to his grandmother? Yikes.

Anyway, so Stephanie named the boy Brandon. Which is a cool name, I guess. Maybe next time I go see the little dude, he will be awake. I'm going to try and get some sleep. I was up late last night after doing my thing. I couldn't help myself; I had some impure thoughts about Ross. I was doing it, and then he popped into my head, and then one thing led to another, and then I started using my spit on my hands as a lubricant, and then things got a little carried away. I began to slur and whisper his name; I guess I wished that Ross was here in the room with me.

When I came, I felt terrible for even using Ross like that. Anyway, I should go now before my Mam says I'm too loud or something. Loud as in making a racket from cleaning or shit, not jerking off. Okay, good, at least I cleared that up.

Good night,

Adam