As They Say - (Revised) - 29. Entry 37

Yesterday was WOW… I mean, I sat across from Ross at a table in the local park after buying the ice cream. Ross was so graceful, so appreciative that it made me feel warm inside; it still does. I thought I didn't have any butterflies left to contend with, but they are a new constant problem. Butterflies occasionally jump back into my life, immediately churning like they always do, making me feel queasy. Every time Ross puckered his lips, drew his head down towards the straw, and started sucking made him alluring: in a sexual way, I guess.

Above all, I couldn't help but appreciate his ecstatic aura emanating from him. Ross is so dreamy, the way he casually lifts his chin ever so elegantly to answer me. The way he brushes his hair from his forehead and the way he carelessly holds himself as an individual is sensual, in a way.

I enjoyed our time together yesterday and the fact that we're talking again. I was beginning to feel bad for ignoring him. I wasn't intentionally ignoring Ross. I... I didn't know what to say to him. Although, when I held his hand yesterday, it was... WOW.

You probably want to know what happened today? Well, my Mam got the entire house up early this morning so that we could see Aunt Stephanie and little Brandon. I got to see him awake today; he just lay on his back, and he was so out of it. I don't know, but he seemed comfortable and happy. Brandon squirmed about, waving his hands around above his body, absorbing everything like a sponge.

Did I look like an alien?

You know, like all those horror movies where they wake up abducted on a slab? It was like everything was entirely new to Brandon, which, I guess it is. I think you could call it childlike wonder; well, that is what all the adults usually call it. Brandon's big soft hazel eyes had been passed down the family line. Brandon looked a lot like Stephanie; I even got to hold him. I was a little scared he was going to cry or get sick on me... or in the worst-case scenario, I'd drop him. I didn't though, and Brandon started giggling when I gently rocked him back and forth in my arms. I enjoyed it; it was sweet to be able to hold him. I don't know why I was annoyed when he was born, but I take it all back because I like him now.

This was only in the morning, mind you. When we got back after lunch, I knocked in for Ross. To my shock and surprise, his grandmother said that he wasn't there; she said that another boy with dark brown hair knocked for him and he went out. I talked for a moment with his grandmother; the only person I know who has dark hair is Carl. So I went back next door, got my bike, and cycled to Carl's, hoping he'd be there. I peddled up the Maher's crumbling driveway, which could do with new paving, but this is not what this diary entry is about. I rang the doorbell, and his mam answered. She was friendly, as she usually is.

Ms. Maher was like, “Oh heyya Adam. How are you today?”

I just gave her an energetic reply, "I'm all right, thanks. Carl here?"

Ms. Maher turned and yelled up the stairs, but Carl didn't answer. Following her third call, she decided to just head up the stairs herself, and when she came back down, I knew the answer from the look on her face.

Ms. Maher said, "No, Adam, he's not here."

I felt a little sad and a little confused. I didn't know what to do or where I'd start looking. It felt a bit weird to me. Why would Carl take a sudden interest in Ross? Ross has been here more than a month, now Carl has suddenly started inviting Ross out.

Why hadn't I been notified of this?

Giving Carl's mother a doleful expression, I said, "Okay, thanks."

With that, I headed back down the driveway with my bike wheeling under my arm. Earlier, I must have been dumbfounded even to imagine such a thing were possible. Instead of going home, I just decided to go on a cycle. If I ran into Ross and Carl, I ran into them. If I didn't, well, I guessed I'd see Ross the following day.

I went to town, cut through back roads, and crossed the large cabbage field on the outskirts. Before I knew it, I was back in Ballyoran. I checked out the sweet shop. They weren't there; I even went as far as asking the shopkeeper if they'd seen Carl, though they hadn't. Feeling a little glum at this point, I headed to the basketball courts around the school. I went to the GAA grounds to see if any of the boys were hanging out there. To my surprise, I found Eli and the rest of the gang, but no Ross or Carl. I wanted to leave, but Eli was begging me to stay. I would've preferred to keep looking for Ross, but I couldn't exactly say no to Eli. So instead, I hung around for a game of basketball, and I split. I asked Eli if he had seen either of them; he said the same thing as the shopkeeper— no, he didn't.

I flew by the church; it was as empty as all the other spots I had been to. On my way back, I took the loop out of town. I stopped off at the O'Neill's field to see if they were there. I mean, the last time Ross miraculously vanished, he was there, but no. The last place that came to mind was the castle.

I was a little annoyed, even peeved; where the fuck were they?

I could've just followed the loop road and went back home, though I took the turn for the castle and made my way out toward it. I dismounted my bike, placed it against the tree at the bottom of the trail, and began walking up. When I got to the turn in the path, two bikes were on the ground beside a large rock. Sure enough, one of the bikes was mine.

I knew Ross was there. The first thing my mind jumped to was, what were they doing out here? I steadily made my way up toward the castle, scouring the area for the boys. My hope began to dwindle; I thought something was up, or maybe they were doing something that I wasn't supposed to see. I guess that is wishful thinking because when I turned the corner where the castle meets the lakefront, the two of them were standing there tossing stones off into the lake. Ross and Carl were skimming the small rocks across the surface of the water. Both of them were more or less egging each other on to see who was better. I felt relief that nothing was going on, not that I was expecting something to be going on. Imagine that, my best friend kissing the only boy I've ever liked. I'm not even sure Carl is gay, so I don't know what brought me to that conclusion.

So I watched for a couple of moments; nothing inappropriate was happening. Boldly, I called out to them. Of course, they were alarmed at first, but then they noticed it was me and welcomed me. When Carl said that he and Ross had knocked earlier on, I felt a sense of relief and happiness run through me.

Carl asked where I was all day, and they explained where they had been all day. They had been in town; they had gone to the arts and craft store because Ross wanted the buy a notebook. Then after that, they went to the sweetshop and then came here. It was cool getting to hang out with Carl and Ross both at the same time. Yeah, it's nice when the whole group hangs out, but today felt different because the two of them were together. It was terrifying but not horrific at the same time. As the day went on, we decided to part ways.

Ross and I had been secretly giving each other knowing glances all day. It felt intriguing and exciting all at the same time because the two of us shared a secret that Carl didn't know.

Well, at least I don't think he does.

After we split, Ross and I walked back to my house. When we were about halfway there, Ross asked out of nowhere, “Do you want to have a sleepover?"

All I could do was smile, and I think Ross took the smile as my answer. So that's where I am right now. I'm in my house at the moment, grabbing a couple of pillows and my pyjamas. And of course, I'm writing inside of you... my diary. I hope tonight goes well. I feel apprehensive; I'm not as nervous as I was the first time I met Ross, which is a good thing, I suppose. I've taken long enough; I should get back to Ross. If I don't, then he'll probably guess I'm not coming. I don't want that to happen.

Wish me luck.

Adam