As They Say - (Revised) - 31. Entry 39

5th June 1991:

I can't help it, okay. Yesterday was... I don't think I have any words to describe how yesterday occurred. It was pretty neat that I got to.... you know, kiss Ross on the cheek. Though at the same time I feel a little annoyed at myself that I couldn't kiss him on the mouth; I still am fuming. I'm kind of glad that I didn't; what would have happened if he wasn't ready for that sort of thing, or if Ross doesn't like me entirely that way? Maybe that's the best thing. I should give him time, but then again, when I think logically about it, it seems like he's been trying to get my attention all long.

I'm really grateful for it, honest. I don't know why I'm so blind, but I hope Ross knows that I can see it now. I'm still nervous, and I know I'm still a bit of a coward, but I'm going to try and meet him halfway. Well, I met him halfway yesterday and look how awesome yesterday played out.

We made pancakes—undercooked pancakes— they were all shrivelled and gooey looking.

When we began to eat them, they weren't as bad as I was expecting them to be. Still, it comes nowhere close to the quality of Mam’s pancakes.

I didn't sleep all that much last night; I was afraid to fall asleep in case what had happened between me and Ross had been a stupid, horrible dream. I just lay staring up at the ceiling, replaying the image in my head of the contact. How my lips pressed up against his cheek, his soft skin, his warm breath. When I leaned in closer for that kiss, I got Ross's body odour; now that I think about it, I'm subconsciously sniffing for it. It's not weird at all; I promise it's just the smell was so lovely.

It's entirely him and only him.

I've never come across another fragrance like it. It's not like some of my friends’ odours. From Emma, you smell the comforter that her mother washes her clothes— it stinks like pheromone ambrosia. It is a very floral, gentle touch on the senses. Though for Ross, his is different. It's so sweet, boyish-like.

If that is even a thing, 'boyish-like.'

Ross smells like jellies or sweets— gummy bears that’s it.

Sigh... He's perfect in every way imaginable; his handsome wide-eyed expression always seems to capture my interest, no matter what gaze or sullen glance he's holding.

I said I wouldn't touch myself thinking of him, but I let my guard down again. I don't know what's wrong with me. Earlier this morning, when I had my morning wood, I began to stroke myself. I tried stopping at first before I got into the rhythm of things. I tried thinking of a couple boys from school. I even tried thinking of girls. Once I did think of girls, however, I began to lose interest. I was starting to go flaccid downstairs, but since I was already in the mood to do it, I started thinking of boys I knew who are hot. First, I thought of Neil Patrick Harris, the infamous Doogie Howser, from Doogie Howser, M.D., but then my mind jumped to Eli at the lake.

I enjoyed the vision a little too much. How Eli's legs were perfectly sculpted all the way up to his ass. Then as I got to his ass in my little-perverted vision, Carl popped into my head. He was the last person I wanted to think about, and I did not want to do it to him. So, I tried going back to Eli so that I wouldn't feel as guilty doing it. I was working myself into a frenzy; I was getting there, and the sensations were terrific. I was breathing shallow and everything; my heart was racing in my chest, and I was beginning to let out soft moans.

Shit, I hope my Mam never hears any of that, now that I think of it.

Then out of nowhere, Ross just popped into my mind. And because I was so far along already in my masturbation procedure, I was so turned on; I just kept going. It felt so good at the time that when I came, I thought I was going to pass out. As I lay there for a couple of minutes to regain my composure, I felt dirty or sick. I felt ashamed, though it didn't last long because I drifted off, in and out of consciousness, for about 20 minutes.

When I woke, I was groggy. The sound of a knock at the door startled me. When I sat up in bed, I realised it was Ross. Panicking is an understatement; I grabbed my T-shirt off the ground and wiped the remnants of my cum that was nearly dried on my chest and stomach, and covered myself up. I gave him the all-clear, and Ross came in with a burst of energy. He was glowing; his smile was so enchanting.

Ross came in and was like, "Hey Adam, come on, let's get up. I have a surprise.”

I was intrigued by what the surprise was. So I asked Ross if I could get dressed, and he left the room. I threw on what I could find, and then I invited him back in. When I asked Ross what the surprise was, he just gave me a coy smirk.

Ross said, "Then it wouldn't be much of a surprise now, would it?"

I just gave him the smirk back; I felt a bit of the mischievous aura coming from him begin to brew in me. I wish I showered this morning, but that didn't work out— not enough time. I washed with a facecloth; it was quick but mildly effective.

By the time I got down the stairs, Ross had already taken out both of our bikes. I was really curious about the surprise, and it was like everything had changed overnight. Ross suited this new person entirely. I felt a little bit bashful, surprised even. I felt like everything was moving at a lightyear speed.

I didn't ask many questions because who would?

It was evident that Ross had been up early this morning, and he planned what we were going to do today, and it made him adorable. Ross had this look in his eyes; they weren't sad or happy. His eyes were a bit glassy, but it was like that sort of look you give to someone when you're proud of them.

Yeah, that's it.

Mam offers the same look when I come home with an excellent report card. Though, I didn't think what Ross had planned would've been that nice. Hell, I've been living here all my life, and I've never found anything like this previously. I knew every curve and dip in these lands, but foolishly I didn't. Ross brought me out by the O'Neill's field on the outskirts of town. We tracked through one of the back fields— which I have no idea who owns it.

As we walked across the bawn, Ross began to playful nudge against me. Ross pushed me; I shoved back. It wasn't out of anger anything; it was a lively game. The rivalry grew stronger between us with each equal and opposite reaction. Eventually, it got to a point where the two of us were running, and we were both trying to outdo each other.

The boys and I never walked so far away from Ballyoran; our Mams wouldn't let us. I knew the general area, but I didn't know who owned what; to me, it was another field among many.

Eventually, we came to another slope with a big antenna atop a hill. If you guessed it already, we climbed to the top of it. Ross told me to go first because he wanted me to be the first one to see it. And I did; I've never been so fearful in all my life. I clung to every rung of the ladder all the way up. All I could see was my hands on the bars, the metal framing for the structure, and nothing but green in every direction. I was terrified to look up or down.

While climbing, I continued telling myself, just keep going, don't be a pussy.

Halfway to the top, my wrists began to give out because I was gripping onto the rails with a death grip. The higher I climbed, the colder my hands got. You know when metal is cold; yeah, well, it made my hands even colder. I was climbing for about a good five minutes, maybe.

I'm not too sure how long.

I kept contemplating whether I was going to make it to the top. Eventually, I did. When I scaled to the final platform, my legs were like jelly. I didn't want to look down; I didn't want to look anywhere. I just totally freaked. Ross climbed up a second later behind me. He was so animated, so excited to show me what he had found. Though at this point, I didn't want to move. But we were securely trapped, I guess you could say on the top of this giant radio antenna or whatever you call it from the fence encompassing the canopy.

I assumed that love has driven me mental.

"Hey, check this out," Ross suggested.

I think Ross worked out how I felt after saying it because I was too afraid to move. Ross glanced over at me and chuckled. When he saw that I wasn't moving, he marched over to me and hunkered down beside me.

"Are you afraid of heights?" Ross asked sincerely.

I stuttered back, "No, course not."

I didn't sound all that convincing. Ross just chuckled and said, "Right, so you’re cool that we’re about twenty stories up?"

As if I needed to be reminded of how high I was. If the hill was about five stories high, then the antenna was about another ten stories. All I had was this sickening feeling in my stomach—the breeze, the breeze, yeah, that was a scary thought. I locked my eyes onto Ross, and his eyes were wide with curiosity. His face was so blissful. Mine, I guess, looked a little bit white. But pushing the sickening feeling in my gut to the side, I tried straightening up.

I said, "Eh... Just not used to being this high. Actually... I'm not good, but if you like it, I'm willing to give it a try."

I felt like I was on the verge of tears, and my chest was feeling one hell of a pressure sitting on it. You know what Ross did? Ross etched his eyes directly at mine, then he moved back alluringly and suggestive. Letting out his hand Ross held his arm for me to grab on to and hold.

"Come see this; I can see your house from here," Ross added.

Petrified, I scurried along on my hands and knees all the way over to where Ross was standing. I wanted to take his hand, but nothing in the world would get me to stand up. Ross chuckled to himself, and I felt a bit hurt and humiliated, but it didn't upset me because I was too panicked about the height to really care. Grabbing the railing encircling the tower, I glanced between the gaps in the framing and saw the remnants of my house. I saw the entire town; I could make out Carl's home in the distance too. The view was phenomenal; I could see the lake and my school. I could see everything for miles; this was better than any tree could ever provide. In all my years, I have never even known this existed. I'm rather happy I know now that it exists. Not that I'd climb it ever again; well, at least I don't think I will.

I just replied with amazement, "Yeah, I can see it. Look, I can see the lake and my church."

Ross didn't say anything. He just glanced down at me when I looked up at him. When I gazed back out, Ross hunkered down to my level. I felt his hand on my back, and I glanced across at him. The expression on his face wasn't a smile anymore; it was like a longing gaze he was giving me. All I could contemplate was the rush of the wind hitting my ears. Ross's hair would blow around when a gust of wind caught his locks. I targeted his lovely eyes, and suddenly I didn't feel afraid anymore.

I must've been shaking, and Ross picked up on my uneasiness. Everything was so intense that I lost all track of time, and I brought my lips to Ross's. I kissed him; I actually kissed him on the mouth. His lips are so soft and puffy. They were just the right amount of moist, and they contained a delicate touch of boyish charm.

It didn't end there; after I broke the kiss, we went back for another one. Only this time, the two of us got back into it. It wasn't a simple two-second kiss, no. Instead, this kiss lasted for about 15-20 seconds, and all I could think about while I was sucking Ross's face is: am I doing it right? I've never really done this before, so I'm not sure if I did it correctly. My heart was racing; I felt so free and alive, but eventually, we broke the kiss.

The two of us just coyly grinned at each other after what we had done. Ross plopped down and rested against the fencing, and he slid across to me. Ross got all bashful, then shy before he started laughing. I start laughing too—at his cuteness. All I could do was smile. I guarantee I looked maniacal; because the smile on my face was probably so goddamn wide. Grinning from ear to ear with how goddamn happy I was, and I'm still exuberant right now. Is this right? Am I supposed to feel all funny and tingly inside for hours?

We just sat there for a few minutes and recomposed ourselves.

Ross said, "Adam, can I tell you something?"

I glanced up from my lap and smiled at him, "You can tell me anything," I said.

Ross simply grinned that dreamy expression; however, he looked a little distracted, like he had something on his mind. I figured something was up.

I asked, "What is it?"

Ross swooped his head low and then said, “I’m gay.”

I took a moment to think of a viable response. I just giggled and said, "No shit..."

The two of us just erupted into a bit of laugher; actually, I mean the type where your throat tickles and your side hurts. Ross looked away at me, being all nervous, and glancing at his legs. I can't explain why I get so giggly around Ross.

"So it doesn't bother you?” Ross urged.

I gave him a deadpan expression and cracked a gentle smile. Arching my eyebrows, I said, "Naw… We just kissed. Besides, guess I am too."

Ross picked at the loose, chipped paint on the floor of the tower platform. Drawn to the backs of his hands, I noticed how dirty and bruised they were; it really showed how much adventure is inside Ross. It was like he was appraising himself for getting something off his chest, and on top of that, that I accepted it.

Not much else was said, and we went back to scoping out land references before bolting from the lovely view. I'll never forget it or climb the tower again. It is too high for my liking. The descent back down was another funny story. I was half frightened that this would be the time I'd die, but I somehow managed to get all the way back to the ground.

I climbed below Ross. I didn't want to put him in danger in case I accidentally slipped. If I had fallen, I'd rather die on impact than be stuck in a wheelchair like Isaac Newton... No, wait... that doesn't sound right—no shit, Sherlock. I'm thinking of that professor, Hawkings.

You get the drift though, I wouldn't want to be around to live in misery. But let’s get away from this depressing talk.

When I reached the ground, I was legitimately shaking. I wasn't shaking about the height I had just dared to climb and got away with it; I was just so pumped with my adrenaline. I even fell to the ground and worshiped it.

For the rest of the day, Ross and I just sat there on the hillside before heading back. I challenged him to a game of cards; he won the first and second game. I won the fourth, the fifth, and the sixth round. So, I don't think I qualify as a loser anymore when it comes to cards. After all, I have a pretty good teacher. I need to think of something unique next time I take Ross out; he must've been looking around for that place for ages. I wonder how he found out about it; maybe I should ask him. I can arrange some sort of date, like bring him out to the lake or something like that. We'd have a lovely meal, which I'll have prepared for him… like a picnic. Just minus the flowers because, of course, he's a boy. Or does that sound crummy? Hmm...

Well, I should be going; it's been a long day. I have some planning to do.

Night,

Adam