A Decision for Jarren - 19. Chapter 19

The next day the physical therapist was in early. Jarren managed to walk out to the nurse’s desk and back using the walker and didn’t have any bouts with dizziness. Definitely an improvement. His therapist told him that he should be OK to have his catheter removed so he could go back to using the bathroom the normal way instead of peeing in a bag. Jarren was relieved. The catheter didn’t hurt, most of the time he didn’t even remember it was there, but every once in awhile it felt like he had to pee really bad and then all of a sudden didn’t. It was weird.

Jarren’s head still ached, but it was more of a dull roar instead of a constant throbbing that had plagued him since he woke up from the accident. Sudden movement still produced a stab of an icicle slicing through his head so he tried not to do that.

Dr. Mayfield did his rounds and was pleased with how he was progressing. Another MRI was scheduled for the next day. Kaitlyn was on the day shift again and she came in to remove his catheter. Not a sensation he ever wanted to experience again. She checked his stitches, then asked if how he was doing pain wise. He informed her that his pain level was holding steady at a level 6. He still had flashes of level 8 or 9, but she said that was to be expected. Mazen and his Mom came right before lunch and Mom had a bag with a few pairs of comfy sweatpants and t-shirts. He managed to wash up in the bathroom with Mazen’s help and just a little embarrassment. He wished he could take a shower, he’d have to remember to ask the doctor when he saw him again. He was grateful for the normal clothes. Those hospital johnny’s were a pain in the ass, they constantly got twisted around and he had ended up flashing his backside more than once. No thanks.

Jarren was able to take several short walks, still using a walker, but not having to rely on it so much, and having someone walk with him, usually Mazen. Every once in a while a wave of vertigo would hit him and he was glad to have the walker to hang on to. He kept pestering Kaitlyn every time he saw her to go see Nash again. She was too busy and had to placate him by calling the ICU for updates. Each time he was told that Nash was stable and doing alright. He was hoping that Renee would have time to take him up again when she came on shift.

He spent most of the day in a cycle of sleeping, taking short walks, then sleeping again. His appetite was slowly returning and he managed to eat most of the meals they brought him. He knew he would need the nutrition in order to heal properly and he would do whatever it took to get the hell out of the hospital as soon as he could. He now understood why his Dad had been such a grouch during his hospital stay. His Mom and Mazen stayed and kept him company until dinner time.

Renee was back again for the night shift and before he could say a word she told him, “My break isn’t until nine o’clock. I’ll have you know I had to bribe my friend up in ICU tonight with a bottle of wine, but she’ll let me bring you up for thirty minutes, so not a peep out of you, got it?”

Jarren smiled and nodded. Renee just shook her head as she took a new set of vitals and recorded them on her laptop.

That evening, true to her word, Renee wheeled him back up to see Nash. This time Jarren was able to stand up on his own and plant a sweet kiss on Nash’s lips. God, he missed that.

Nash gave him a small smile and let out a soft sigh. Jarren’s forehead furrowed at the lackluster response he had gotten from Nash. He settled back into his chair and reached over and gripped Nash’s hand. He was relieved when Nash squeezed his hand back. He figured Nash was just trying to deal with what had happened to him and just needed Jarren to be there. They didn’t say much for the entire half hour. Nash had merely nodded briefly when Jarren asked if he was alright. Just being able to see and touch Nash gave Jarren a sense of calmness that he had been needing. He hoped that his presence did the same for Nash. All too soon Renee was back and Jarren saw Nash’s eyes close as he exited the room.

Jarren asked Renee to stop at the nurse’s station. Nash’s nurse was on the phone so he waited until she was done. “How’s Nash doing? He seems down. Is he OK?” he asked her when she looked up. He didn’t miss the quick look she gave Renee before answering him.

“Physically Nash is doing well. Mentally, we’re keeping an eye on him. It’s not uncommon for amputees to get depressed and it looks like the reality is hitting Nash pretty hard. Try not to worry, we’re watching him closely and his doctors are very aware of what’s going on. I’m hopeful that things will improve when he gets off the ICU and into a regular room. They may do that tomorrow once they run some more tests and get the results.” she informed him.

“Can he be moved to my room? I’m the only one in there.” Jarren inquired.

“I don’t know. He’s an orthopedic case and you’re neuro, but I’ll leave a note on the chart and address it with his doctor when he does rounds. A familiar face might help him deal with his emotions.” she replied.

“Thank you” he told her before Renee wheeled him over to the elevator for the ride back to his room. He thought about what Nash’s nurse had told him. He couldn’t help but worry. The last time that Nash had to deal with such an emotional upheaval was when his daughter died. He had felt so overwhelmed that he had uprooted himself abruptly to flee the constant reminders of what he had lost. Jarren was worried that history might repeat itself. He couldn’t lose Nash, not after he had finally found happiness.

Jarren slept fitfully that night, his sleep peppered with disconcerting dreams that he could only recall bits and pieces of. He still had to endure frequent neuro checks and that further interrupted what little sleep he got. He spent most of the night tossing and turning and by the time morning broke he was cranky and irritable. His head hurt and he knew that stress was a huge part of that, but he couldn’t stop worrying. Dr. Mayfield was concerned that his pain was increasing and pushed up the time that his MRI was scheduled.

Once again Jarren was brought down to the imaging room and had to endure the annoying drone and constant hum of the machine as it mapped the damage to his brain. Dr. Mayfield wasn’t smiling when he came in to Jarren’s room a few hours later. His mom and Mazen were there, having arrived just a few minutes prior.

“Jarren, I’m a little concerned. Your new MRI showed no change from the one before and your blood pressure has been elevated since last night. The nurses have told me what’s been going on with your boyfriend. I understand that you’re worried, but Jarren, I think it’s affecting your recovery. Your BP isn’t dangerously high, but it is higher than the readings we were getting prior to last night and it’s higher than where I want it to be. That may be contributing to the swelling that is persisting. I need to consult with Nash’s doctor. I’ve been told he’s ready to step down to a regular unit and I’m not sure if putting you together is a good idea. It may stress you out more. But then again it may calm you down. I need to talk with Dr. Bryant and get his take on things as it relates to Nash’s condition. I’ll let you know as soon as we have things figured out. In the meantime I’m going to add some medication to your orders that should help even out your blood pressure and if that doesn’t work we may need to consider an anti-anxiety medication as well.” he told him.

Jarren took a deep breath and let it out slowly and agreed to abide by their decision. He could see his Mom shooting the stink eye at him from the other side of the room. Even Mazen looked worried. Fuck. This was not how he wanted things to go. He hoped that they would agree to moving Nash in with him. He knew that as long as he could see him he would feel better. It was the constant worry that was his undoing.

John called to check on him and wanted to know if Liam could visit. Jarren felt bad but he didn’t think it was a good idea right now. Maddie called as well and asked if he needed anything. He thanked her and asked her to let all the kids know that they were OK and not to worry. She assured him she would and told him to get better soon and to tell Nash the same. Danny had sent a text to let Jarren know that he had heard what happened and sent healing wishes. Andre had called the day before and assured him that he would take care of the plantation project until he could find a replacement for them and not to worry.

Mom and Mazen hung around until close to dinner time. They left, telling Jarren that they were going to call it an early night and they would see him tomorrow. Jarren couldn't blame them for wanting to leave. He wasn't much in the way of company right now.

After the dinner trays had been collected Jarren could hear activity out in the hallway. His face lit up when he saw Nash being rolled in on his bed. He wished he could say that Nash looked as equally excited, but all he got was a small, rather grim smile. Jarren knew it was forced. He didn’t let it show that it bothered him. He was happy to be in the same room.

Once they had Nash settled and the room cleared out, Jarren carefully slid out of bed and carefully walked the short distance between the beds. He perched on the edge and leaned down to kiss Nash properly. Again, he was disappointed when Nash barely reciprocated.

Pulling back from those lips that he knew so well Jarren looked at Nash and said “Talk to me Nash. I’m worried.”

Nash wouldn’t look at him directly. Instead he looked away as he replied, “Jarren, I don’t want you to have to deal with me like this. I’m not whole anymore. My fucking foot is gone! You deserve so much better. You didn’t sign up for this and I don’t want you to be stuck with me. Leave me alone Jarren. Get yourself better then get the hell out of here. Go back home to your family. Enjoy them while you still have them. I don’t need you.”

Jarren felt like a knife had been thrust into his chest. He was hurt. Then he got pissed. Really, really pissed. Still perched on the edge of Nash’s bed he demanded, “Look at me Nash.” Nash still stared at the darkened window. Jarren persisted. “Look. At. Me.” Nash’s eyes slowly dragged themselves around to look at Jarren’s.

Jarren continued, his voice gutteral and rough, “Get this through your fucking thick skull. I. Don’t. Care. If. Your. Foot. Is. Gone!” Jarren’s voice rose with each word. “Don’t you dare look away.” he ordered as Nash tried to avert his gaze. Jarren was now beyond pissed and when he got pissed there was no stopping him and he was on a roll. His voice lowered and he practically growled, “You’re a thick, pig headed, selfish bastard and stupid too if you really think I’m going to leave you. I believe that I told you when this relationship started that I was signing up for as long as it takes. Guess what? It’s nowhere near fucking over! I didn’t fucking fall in love with your foot, asshole!” He watched as Nash’s eyes widened at his convoluted declaration. Jarren didn’t even realize that he had just told Nash that he loved him. He was too pissed to censor his words and they just tumbled out. Still ranting he continued “Is your opinion of me so low that you think I’d abandon you when things got tough? Guess again! I’m in this for the long haul and I thought you were too. How dare you tell me to go home? YOU ARE MY HOME!” he practically shouted. Jarren pulled in a ragged breath and calming his tone he went on, “You, Nash. You are my home. All I want is a life with you. I don’t care where it is and I don’t care if you’re missing a foot. You will learn to walk without it. We will learn to deal with it together. I mean it, I’ll never give up on you. So go ahead and ignore me, but I’ll be here. Every damn day. When I get discharged, I’ll still be here. Every. Damn. Day. Push me away all you want, but know this, I’m way more fucking stubborn than you. So take that and shove it up your self-centered ass.”

Jarren pushed himself off the bed and shuffled over to his own, leaving Nash to process his tirade. Still pissed off he pulled the curtain between the beds with a hard yank, knowing he was about to break. He needed a few moments to calm himself. ‘Shit,’ he thought as he realized he had just told Nash that he loved him in the most fucked up way. No wonder Nash wanted nothing to do with him. His Mom would insist on lessons in tactfulness if she had heard the way he talked to Nash. Definitely not how you treated someone you loved.

Jarren laid on his bed trying to will away the pounding drum cadence that his skull was currently performing. He felt like his brain was auditioning for solo drummer in a punk rock band. He knew he needed to calm down or else they would probably move Nash or him to a different room. As much as he was pissed at the man, he still didn’t want to be away from him. Several long minutes passed and gradually the pounding drums in Jarren’s head backed off to a manageable thumping. He could hear the sound of Nash shifting on his bed and thought he heard a soft sob. It took great effort not to get up and throw back the curtain between the beds and go comfort the love of his life, but Jarren stayed put.

Time seemed to be suspended and after what seemed like days, but in reality was roughly fifteen or twenty extremely long minutes, he heard a soft “Jarren?” coming from the other side of the curtain. Taking a steadying breath, Jarren once more got up, pulled the curtain back and stood on the side of Nash’s bed.

Nash looked defeated and lost. Jarren imagined that this is how he must have looked when he lost Julia. His heart squeezed painfully and he shook slightly, not wanting to hear Nash tell him to fuck off.

Instead of hearing ‘fuck off’, Jarren heard a softly uttered “I’m sorry.” He slid down to rest on the side of the bed again. His legs wouldn’t hold him up. The relief was so great that Jarren started to shake, the adrenaline that had built up now rushing through his bloodstream. He felt Nash’s strong arms gather him close and he pulled his legs up on the bed as Nash shifted over to make room. Nash held him as they both cried tears of relief and got it all out of their systems.

When the tears had finally tapered off Jarren felt Nash wipe the wetness from his face. He turned his head toward Nash and listened as he finally spoke.

Nash started, “Jarren, I’m so sorry I hurt you. You have every right to be pissed at me. I’m pretty pissed at myself. I don’t handle adversity very well. After everything that happened with Julia and Kyle and my parents, I wasn’t sure if I could ever open myself up to anyone again. Then you came along and pretty much broke down the barriers I had created for myself. I had convinced myself that I wasn’t allowed to find love again. Yet, I found myself head over heels from pretty much the moment I met you. I tried to ignore it but there was no way. Just being near you those first couple of weeks had me so off balance emotionally that I couldn’t think straight. Superbowl night? As soon as I tasted you I was lost. Then when your brother called reality hit me and that’s why I pushed you away. I wasn’t ready. It took you being gone for two weeks to make me realize that I had fallen in love with you. I still didn’t believe it, and then when I unloaded all my baggage on you and you didn’t show me the door, I knew then that there was no turning back.”

Nash hugged him closer, drawing strength and continued “I should have told you sooner. I almost did several times. I just chickened out. Then this accident happened and it destroyed my self confidence. Jarren, I’m not whole any more and I’m not sure what to do. I didn’t want to burden you. I didn’t think you should have to be stuck with a cripple as a boyfriend.”

Jarren started to protest, but Nash shushed him, “I know, the word cripple is politically incorrect. ‘Disabled’,” he offered, using finger air quotes. “But I feel crippled, and not just because of my foot. My mind feels crippled. It’s the only word that really describes how I feel. I don’t care if it offends anyone. It’s just the way it is for me. When I told you about Julia I left out the part where my parents had me put on a 72 hour psychiatric hold. They told the police I was suicidal. It wasn’t true, but I was so lost in my grief, I just let it happen. Luckily the doctor that I was assigned to could see that as well. He helped me come to terms, somewhat, with losing Juju, but I never followed up with his recommendation to see a therapist on a regular basis. I probably should have, but instead I ran. I needed to get far away from my parents just as much as I needed to be away from the place that constantly reminded me of Julia. Dr. Bryant wanted me to see a therapist and I told him to shove it. But now I’m thinking it might be a good idea. I don’t want to hurt you again. I love you Jarren. Forgive me?” Nash asked.

“I love you too,” Jarren replied as he shifted so that his head was level with Nash. This time when their lips met Nash was a willing participant, even taking the lead. He claimed the sweet taste of Jarren like a dying man in the desert claims the cool water of an oasis. They savored the taste of each other, neither wanting to pull away. They both started getting aroused and just as things started to get a little uncomfortable they heard someone clearing their throat.

Reluctantly they pulled apart and looking toward the door they saw Renee standing there with a knowing smirk. “I’ll give you two a few minutes to settle down. I need a reliable set of vitals from both of you. I’ll come back in a bit so you can let your pulses go back to normal. Mine too.” she laughed as she turned away.

Both men blushed and Jarren stood up and hung onto his walker as he adjusted himself in the loose sweatpants that hid absolutely nothing. He made his way back to his own bed and by the time Renee returned they were both in a more relaxed state.

They were able to sleep well that night, their slumber only interrupted by the annoying checks that the nursing staff was required to do. Jarren was in a much better frame of mind when Dr. Mayfield stopped in on his rounds. The doctor was pleased with the improvement in Jarren’s blood pressure readings. Pleased enough that he said he would order another MRI for the following day and if there was improvement he might discharge him the day after.

Dr. Bryant came in as Dr. Mayfield was finishing up and he too was pleased with Nash’s progress. He immediately wrote a referral on Nash’s chart for a psychologist to come and see him later that day when Nash indicated that he would like to talk to someone.
Jarren’s pain medication had been decreased and he was tolerating it well. He still had a persistent headache and Dr. Mayfield told him that he would most likely be dealing with headaches off and on for quite a while. Jarren was told to prepare himself for the possibility that he may have to deal with headaches much more frequently that he did before the accident. Jarren had seen the images of his brain that the MRI created and he had been a little grossed out at the sight of a large dark area that was a bruise on the sensitive tissue. It was no wonder his head hurt.

After breakfast Jarren went over to sit with Nash again and cuddled up next to him. He was finally thinking clearly again and remembered to warn Nash, “My Mom and brother have been here since Saturday. I’m sure they’ll be strolling in soon. They both know about you and Mom is looking forward to meeting you. Mazen is a good guy. Just don’t tell him I said so. They’re going to love you. I don’t want you to feel self-conscious about your foot. It doesn’t define who you are. Don’t give it that kind of power OK? You’re going to come out of this stronger than ever. I just know it. We’re going to be stronger than ever. I love you.”

Nash kissed the top of his head telling him “How do you know exactly what to say? I love you too.”

It wasn’t long after their exchange that said mother and brother showed up. Jarren’s Mom went into full on mother hen mode as soon as she was introduced. It was just her way. She fussed over Nash and made a list of items that she insisted he needed. She wrote down his size and told him that she and Mazen would go shopping for some more comfortable clothes after lunch and bring them when they returned after dinner. Nash tried to tell her not to bother, but she wouldn’t listen. Mazen got in trouble for laughing when Jarren started mocking their Mom behind her back, mimicking her hand motions. Her family was of Italian descent and none of them could communicate without using their hands. It was like they were mute without them.

John called again and asked if they were up for visitors. Liam was driving him crazy. Jarren consulted Nash and they decided they were both presentable enough that they wouldn’t scare the poor kid. Jarren’s face was still black and blue on one side, but the edges were slowly fading to an ugly greenish yellow. Nash had no excuse for not letting a kid with double above the knee amputations see him in his current state. John said they would stop by briefly when Liam got out of school.

Right before lunch the psychologist came in and Jarren excused himself to take a short walk down the hall to give them some privacy. His Mom and Mazen walked with him and they sat in the small lounge area designated for families until the doctor was through speaking with Nash. Nash agreed to short, daily sessions while he was in the hospital. Mom and Mazen got Jarren back to his room and then left to go get lunch and do some shopping for Nash. Jarren knew he owed his brother big time. Shopping with Mom was the one thing all the boys in the family avoided at all costs. It would take hours. Mazen was a trooper.

Jarren and Nash heard Liam before they saw him. The chatterbox was going a mile a minute and practically skidded to a stop as he wheeled into their room at just under lightspeed.

“JARREN! NASH!” was the shout that they, and most likely the whole floor heard. A harried looking John finally made it into the room, panting from being out of breath. A twelve year old in a wheelchair is more than capable of outrunning a forty year old slightly out of shape man. You can bet on that.

“Liam!” John admonished. “You had better calm yourself down right now young man or we are leaving.”

A red blush crept up the poor kid’s neck and spread along his cheeks at the stern reprimand. Jarren had to hide a smile and he saw Nash holding back as well. Damn, he loved that boy’s enthusiasm!

“We missed you too Liam.” Nash told him as he leaned over to hug the overexcited youngster. Jarren did the same, giving him an extra squeeze. Jarren and Nash gave John and Liam a brief account of what they remembered and what they were told had happened. By unspoken agreement they left out the scary stuff. Liam had been through enough of his own trauma and neither of them wanted to trigger any bad memories for him.

They spent a good half hour catching up on what was happening in Liam’s world plus a little gossip from the farm. They were interrupted when Kaitlyn came in and announced she had to change the dressing on Nash’s leg.

“Can I watch?” asked Liam. “It won’t gross me out. It’s not like I haven’t seen it before. I just never saw anyone else’s. Please?”

Jarren saw Nash hesitate. John spoke up and said “I can step outside if you’d like.”

Nash looked at Jarren and drew strength from the loving gaze reflected back at him. Making up his mind he announced, “No, you can both stay. I need to get used to other people seeing it anyway.”

Kaitlyn asked if he was sure and he said “Yes.”

Kaitlyn rolled her supply cart into the room and drew the curtain on the far side of Jarren’s bed closed so that the view to the hallway was blocked. Liam wheeled himself right up alongside Nash’s bed to get the best view. Jarren retreated to his own bed and John backed up out of the way and rested his back along the wall next to the window.

Jarren saw Nash bite his lower lip as Kaitlyn unravelled the bandages covering the stump of his left leg and the incision along the end. The end was still swollen and the skin was still rather red. A raised line of scar tissue scored its way across the end, held together with surgical staples.

As soon as it was uncovered Liam blurted out “Holy shit! It looks like a penis!”

Three seconds. That was the amount of complete and utter silence that hung in the air before John yelled “LIAM!!” at the same time that Nash and Jarren burst into uncontrollable laughter. Liam giggled uncontrollably as well and Kaitlyn managed to hang on for another few seconds before she too broke down. John gave up and joined in. Nash had tears dripping down his cheeks. Liam was absolutely right. The end of his leg did look like a giant penis. Every time he glanced down the laughter bubbled up once more.

It was several minutes before the five of them were able to control themselves. Jarren felt so much lighter and he could tell that Nash did too. Laughter like that was cathartic. It wiped away all of the negativity that had been hovering over them since the accident.

When Liam started giggling again Kaitlyn put her foot down. “Knock it off, young man. I need to get this done and I can’t do that if you keep laughing at the penis stump.”

Of course that set them all off once again. They were laughing so much that one of the other nurses came in to see what was so funny and soon her laughter was added to the mix.

Somehow Kaitlyn and the other nurse were able to get the stump cleaned up and a new dressing in place. As Kaitlyn rolled her supply cart and hazmat bag with the soiled bandages out of the room she remarked, “I will never be able to look at a stump the same way ever again. Thanks guys!”

When all was quiet again, John told Liam it was time to go. He needed to get homework done and it was almost dinner time. Liam knew better than to protest if he wanted to be able to visit again. Both Jarren and Nash got huge hugs from the boy.

Not long after they left, dinner was brought in and shortly after that Mom and Mazen returned with the promised clothes and toiletries for Nash. Nash admitted that he felt a lot better wearing regular clothes. Mazen cracked up when they told him about what Liam said when he saw the stump. Even Mom couldn’t hold back.

“I have so got to meet this kid.” Mazen remarked.

“No way,” said Jarren. “He’s corrupted enough as it is. You’ll ruin him.”

The two bantered and teased each other back and forth about who was a worse role model until finally their Mom put a stop to it.

“Let’s go Mazen. Leave Jarren alone. He needs to rest so he can have better results on his MRI tomorrow and go home.” she said.

They said goodnight and headed back to the hotel. After they left Jarren thought about what his Mom had said about going home. He hoped she didn’t think that he was going back to Massachusetts. He meant it when he told Nash that he was his home. His current dilemma was that he suspected that Dr. Mayfield would only discharge him if he had someone to look after him for a while. Nash wasn’t getting discharged for another couple of weeks and Jarren couldn’t stand the thought of not being near him. Nash’s little bungalow only had one bedroom, there wasn’t much room for a guest, especially long term. It was something that he would have to figure out and come up with a solution for and soon.