A Decision for Jarren - 9. Chapter 9

“I’m ready.” Jarren told Nash. Jarren had told Nash his deepest insecurity and Nash was still here, getting ready to bare his soul. Jarren settled back against the couch cushion and waited for Nash to start.

Nash took a calming breath and began “I guess I should go over the basics. I grew up in Washington state near Spokane. My brother Knox is three years older than me. We have an OK relationship, just not really close. Growing up our interests were different. Knox was sort of that geeky, science loving kid who’s a genius in math and physics and has book smarts out the wahzoo, but not a lot of common sense. I did alright in school, not valedictorian like Knox, but I held my own with mostly A’s and B’s. I liked sports, but I wasn’t the gung ho jock type. I played to have fun. Soccer in the fall, basketball in winter and of course baseball in the spring. I was one of those kids who kinda skated through high school somewhere in the middle of the totem pole. Average. That is probably the best way to describe me. I always wanted to be a cop and after I graduated I applied to the police academy, took the test and made it into the training program run by the county. Two years of classroom and on the job training and I was an officer.”

Jarren could picture Nash in a cop’s uniform. Pretty damn hot. That’s what he thought. Certainly not average either.

Nash continued, “When I was twenty I needed a change of scenery. Senior year of high school my parents had “discovered the Lord” and were not so subtly “encouraging” me to repent my deviant ways. I had come out on my own terms when I graduated. They weren’t exactly happy with my “choice” of lifestyle. I dated a few guys, but nothing serious. So, when a recruiter came along looking for cops to transfer to the Seattle area I jumped right in. I loved it. The city is vibrant and beautiful even though it rains too damn much. I had been there six months or so and the department I was in was a suburb several miles out from downtown.

They had a program similar to what hospitals have when they rotate their residents through different departments like ortho, oncology, labor and delivery, that kind of thing. We rotated every three months. I had already done a stint with the traffic division and narcotics. Narcotics sucked, nasty shit let me tell you. So I was a few weeks into my third rotation. It was with homicide. Now the homicide cops get called out whenever there is a suspicious death. I was partnered with one of the more seasoned veterans. Trevor had been working homicide for over twenty years. He thought he had seen it all.

We get a call one morning that had come in from the beat division. These are the guys who patrol a specific area every day and respond to everything that comes in. They assess and then will call in another division if necessary. They had initially responded to a domestic disturbance call. Someone had been beaten up. When they got there it was a whole other story.”

Nash paused a moment to gather himself before going on. “A fourteen year old boy had been severely beaten by his stepfather. The kid’s fourteen year old girlfriend had found him. Jesus Christ Jarren, I never could imagine the absolute horror that this poor kid endured. His back had been ripped open and torn to shreds. The fucker had used a bullwhip with a steel tip. On a fucking fourteen year old kid!. Who the fuck does that?!”

Jarren was frozen in place, his heart tapping out a staccato beat in his chest, goosebumps raised on his arms, as Nash pulled himself together and continued. “Come to find out we not only had a kid that was barely hanging on, the stepfather was upstairs dead in his bedroom. That’s why we were called. Trevor was a seasoned detective and he was shaken by what he saw. The girl told us that she came over to check on her friend because she had been gone all weekend and was worried when he didn’t answer the phone. She found him in the basement all torn up. She said she went upstairs to see if the stepfather was still around and heard a shot right before she got to his door. When she peeked in she said she saw him lying there with the gun next to him. Trevor and I went up to check it out. Jarren, I’m telling you this from my gut, if that ashhole shot himself then I’m a monkey’s uncle. Trevor and I just looked at each other. We never said a word. He wrote up the report and I didn't question it. It was ruled a suicide."

Jarren still hadn’t said a word. He couldn’t. He felt like his vocal cords were frozen. He could only nod as Nash still kept going.

“When we went back downstairs the girl was sitting on the couch shaking like a leaf. I sat with her and just held her until her mom could get there from her work. She shook so hard that it made me shake too. She wasn’t sobbing, but the tears just flowed down her face. Not one sound came out of her. I will never forget those silent tears. She was on the edge of a breakdown and I just hung onto her for dear life. I just wanted to keep her grounded. Before they wheeled the boy out, his girlfriend went over to the paramedics and told them that they had better take damn good care of him or else. She was like a mama bear protecting her cub.”

Nash hesitated a moment and then went on “Occasionally I still have nightmares about that case. I wake up in a panic sometimes. I’ve always wondered what happened to those poor kids. I found out that the boy’s mother had died and he had no other relatives. I know that he survived his surgeries, but that’s it. I quit the force a couple of months later. That one case affected me too much, I just couldn’t get past it. Trevor ended up taking an early retirement. I think he couldn’t handle it either.”

When Nash paused to gather his wits, Jarren finally found his voice “Would it be easier if you knew what happened to those two kids? The one who was ripped apart and the girl?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’d like to know if they’re OK. But I don’t think I could handle it if it turns out they’re drug addicts or in a mental hospital or worse.” Nash replied.

Jarren pulled out his phone and pulled up a picture. He handed his phone to Nash and said “That’s my friend Lex and his tattoo that his husband did on his back.”

Nash looked at the picture not knowing why Jarren was showing it to him. He had to admit it was incredible. It was actually a picture of a picture. The tattoo started at the top of the man’s back and showed a dark night sky filled with stars, planets and distant nebulas. It hovered over a nightscape of snow capped distant mountains and a huge full moon rose over the horizon. The entire lower back was an underwater panorama of a bright coral reef, colorful fish weaving in and out of the backdrop. The focal point was a manta ray that took up a good portion of the lower back, its tail whipping across the man’s ass before ending along the top portion of his thigh. The picture looked like it had been done in 3D, The stars and planets seemed brighter, the jagged mountain tops were beautifully defined. The fish seemed to swim right off the reef and he could actually picture the tail whipping through the water.

“It’s gorgeous, but why are you showing me? Nash asked.

“My friend Lex grew up right outside of Seattle. His mom died when he was twelve. His stepfather was granted custody. He had mental issues that he had never told his new wife about. He tortured and whipped his stepson one weekend. He used a steel tipped bullwhip. Sound familiar?” Jarren asked. Before Nash could answer he continued. “His best friend Cassie has been in his life since they were four. She was the one who found him and she was the one who had “discovered” the suicide. Lex did have issues for a while. Mazen and I met him when his motorcycle broke down. That’s also when he met Ian. Ian did the tattoo. They fell in love and just got married this past October. Cassie is now Mazen’s fiancee. That is one girl you do NOT have to worry about. She’s still like a mama bear protecting its cub, especially when it comes to Lex, but she includes everyone who is close to her. She’s a hot ticket. So you see, their story has a happy ending.”

Nash looked at the picture a little more closely. If he increased the details he could just about make out where the ridges of scars had been transformed. The manta’s tail was actually a raised scar that had scored itself across the man’s backside. He was floored.

Jarren had one more thing to say. “He’s the reason I’m here Nash, he’s the one who asked me if you were worth it.”

Nash was grateful. It was one of those weird moments in life where an event comes full circle. Never in a million years would he have ever imagined that the kid who he had seen lying in a pool of blood and barely hanging onto life would be the reason why he was about to take another chance at his own happiness.

“I need another beer. Do you want one? That was only the first bag. There’s more I need to unload.” Nash told him.

Jarren told him he could use a beer as well. He had a feeling that Nash was just getting started.

Nash looked like he had needed the short break. Jarren sat on the couch and waited for him to come back with the beers. He noticed that Nash’s was already half gone when he handed Jarren his. Jarren gave him a few minutes after he settled back onto the couch.

Nash once again took a deep breath and revealed “Not long after I quit the force I found work with a general contracting company. The foreman was related to Trevor, his brother-in-law, I think. I started out doing mostly grunt work and managed to learn a lot in a short amount of time. I found that I enjoyed it. I eventually focused on getting my electrician’s license.

I had been working construction for a couple of years when I met Kyle. He was interning with the architectural company we had been hired by to build a new warehouse. I thought he was pretty amazing. We hit it off and started dating. Things moved really fast. Kyle was a lot of fun, he was also pretty wild at the time. He liked to party and he was also on the kinky side. Now, don’t get judgemental, but I didn’t mind some of the things he was into. It was mostly light bondage and role play kind of stuff, nothing too weird. He was also bisexual. One of his fantasies was to have a three-way with a woman. Now keep in mind that we had only been dating for about a month. I pretty much blindly agreed. He was hard to say no to.”

Nash looked at Jarren and Jarren gave him a reassuring smile and squeezed his knee.

“Kyle decided to throw a little party, he invited a small group of his more open minded friends. Booze flowed freely and out came the pot as well. I occasionally smoked it but I was never really into it. I have a feeling that Kyle roofied me because I really don’t remember much of that night. I have images of Kyle naked as well as a female. When I woke up the next morning I was in bed with Kyle and a naked girl and a massive headache. I was 22 and supposedly in love so it didn’t bother me. Afterward Kyle was so much more attentive. Things were great between us. He didn’t pressure me for another threesome, he seemed content with just the two of us. A couple of months after that party the girl, Kristi, showed up on our doorstep saying she was pregnant and one of us was the father.”

Nash paused and finished off the rest of his beer. Jarren could see the stress lining his face. He leaned over and gave him a soft kiss and caressed the side of his face with one hand. “Go on,” Jarren encouraged.

Nash did as he was told and went on. “We were surprised, needless to say. However, Kyle surprised me with how excited he was. Kristi wanted money for an abortion and instead Kyle pulled me aside and told me he wanted to raise the baby with me instead. I have to admit, it scared the shit out of me, but at the same time something clicked and I realized I wanted it. So we managed to convince Kristi to have the baby and we would raise him or her. It took her awhile, especially when she realized she’d have to cut out the alcohol and recreational drugs but she finally agreed. Kyle sold me on the belief that we were in love and we were about to start a family.”

"We moved in together and told our families. My parents weren’t thrilled I was living with a man, but my mom was looking forward to a grandbaby. I believe that she thought that because I could have possibly fathered a child, I couldn’t really be gay. The day that Kristi went into labor was both the scariest and the most wonderful day of my life. She had a little scare when her labor stalled. They were considering a C-section and then all of a sudden everything moved at lightning speed. Kristi went from being stuck at seven centimeters to being fully dilated and pushing in a matter of a few minutes. Julia Beatrix entered this world on July 13, 2009. It was love at first sight. She was absolutely beautiful. We had agreed to do a paternity test, but I knew just by looking at her she was mine. The test only confirmed it.”

Nash now had tears shimmering in his eyes as he thought of his daughter. Jarren scooted closer and threw an arm over his shoulder and pulled Nash into the comfort of his embrace.

“She had all ten fingers and all ten toes. I called her my JuJubee. We got all the paperwork signed and two days after her arrival we took her home. She was such a good baby. We were lucky. We had heard all sorts of horror stories about colicky babies and none of that happened. By the time she was ten weeks old she was sleeping six to eight hours at night. Kyle and I took paternity leave. He had the first six weeks, I had the next. When she was three months old, I made arrangements to work three twelve hour shifts for three days. Kyle didn’t have the flexibility I had, but with me only working Friday through Sunday it meant we only needed daycare one day, on Fridays. We were able to hire my co-worker’s sister. Laura was a college student and didn’t have classes on Fridays. It worked out well.”

“Julia was thriving until she was about nine months old. Because I was with her more I was the one who noticed that she was slowing down in her development. I took her to the pediatrician and he was great, he didn’t brush me off as a nervous new parent. He listened to everything that I had noticed. He ran a bunch of tests but they all came back just fine. It wasn’t until I noticed that her eyes would spasm every so often that he ordered a CAT scan. There was something in those results that concerned him so she was sent for an MRI. We found out that Julia had several tumors in her brain. One of them was near the optic nerve and that was affecting her eyes. Kyle and I were in shock. No parent should be told that their baby needed brain surgery. My mom came to help out while we dealt with this. Looking back, that was probably the biggest mistake I made, was letting her come.”

"You see, Mommy Dearest was a manipulative bitch. She had backed off on shoving her religious shit down my throat because she knew I’d cut her off completely and she’d never see Julia again. She got to Kyle though. She stayed to “help out” for four months. The entire time she had gone behind my back and ended up brainwashing Kyle into drinking her tainted Kool-Aid. I was too focused on JuJu to notice what was happening. At first it was subtle, Mom saying a prayer at dinner and then asking Kyle to pray with her when I put Julia to bed or before taking her to an appointment. Next thing I know Kyle’s going to church with my mom. Now remember, her church condemns homosexuality. At first he said he was just going to appease her and I bought it, hook, line and sinker. Just after Julia turned one and Mom was getting ready to go back home the baby had a setback. She started having small seizures, so back to the doctor we go. Did you know that there are specialized pediatric neurologists? Yeah, there shouldn’t be a need for a pediatric neurologist. There just shouldn’t.”

Nash was having difficulty keeping his emotions in and Jarren could see his anguish reflected in his face. “Do you need another break?” he asked.

Nash shook his head. “No, I need to get this out. It’s just so painful. Kyle and I went to several appointments and took turns comforting Julia through a barrage of more tests. The final results were devastating. JuJu had cancer. There were several more small tumors and at least half of them were inoperable. The doctors couldn’t give us any kind of prognosis other that they would have to monitor her closely. Her life was completely dependent on how and when these tumors decided to grow. They had no way of knowing if she had one week or ten years left.”

Kyle started to pressure me to have Julia baptized. I balked because I knew it was my mom who had planted this idea in his head. Kyle had been sucked in by her belief in her God. All I could see was that an innocent baby was struggling to live. What kind of God allows that? I wasn’t raised going to church and attending bible school every week. My parents didn’t find religion until I was almost gone from the house. I don’t share their beliefs and I never will.”

“Not long after this latest diagnosis I had to kick my mom out. She was pressuring me relentlessly and she wanted to be left alone with Julia. No way was that ever going to happen. I’m sure she had a priest or minister or whatever on speed dial just waiting for her chance to baptize my child against my wishes. My dad called everyday too. I stopped answering his calls and deleted the messages without listening to them. Kyle was almost as bad. We were arguing everyday. It finally came to a head one afternoon when we had just gotten back from yet another appointment with the oncologist. Now keep in mind, Julia was my biological child, Kyle had no legal claim to her. We had discussed him adopting her but never got a chance because she got sick.”

“So here he was, advocating for baptism, when he knew damn well that I don't believe in god. I asked him if he loved me. He said of course he did. When I told him that I loved him too, do you know what he said to me? He said “That’s not possible Nash. If you don’t believe in God’s love then you’re not able to love.”

Jarren looked at him with disbelief. WTF?

Nash continued. "I sort of freaked out at that point and said to him, ‘So you’re telling me that if I don’t believe in some higher power that has the final say over who gets cancer and who doesn’t. Who allows a tiny baby to suffer seizures and possibly go blind? An unknown, invisible entity that gets to dictate who gets to feel love and who doesn’t? You say that if I don’t buy into your belief then I can’t love you or that beautiful little girl sleeping in her crib? Is that what you really think?”

"He answered yes. I screamed at him to get the fuck out. There was no going back. He had fallen into my mother’s trap and there was no way out for him. In a heartbeat, I lost the man that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He shredded every bit of love my heart had ever felt for him. When you said you weren’t a religious type I was glad. I don’t believe in any god and that’s usually a deal breaker for a lot of guys.”

Jarren wiped away the tears that had fallen down Nash’s face and told him, “I did tell you I’m not a religious person. Growing up we did the whole going to church on Christmas and Easter thing, went to funeral masses and weddings and such, but it was never pushed on any of us. My parents let us decide for ourselves. The only one who goes to church with any regularity is Kelsey. Her husband was raised Catholic. I think she just goes through the motions though. I don’t really believe there’s a ‘God’ either. Is there some kind of omniscient being that controls everything? I doubt it. I think God is the adult version of Santa Claus. Be good and Santa brings you toys, be bad and you get coal. Be good and God lets you into heaven. Be bad and you go to Hell. It makes for nice stories, but in the end is make believe. So much of human behavior is based on the reward and punishment system. Why should religious beliefs be any different? But I’m with you 100%, I don’t want any part of a religion that dictates how I should feel and who I can love. Being told you’re incapable of feeling love because you don’t believe in God? I call bullshit. I can see the love you have for your Julia in your eyes. It’s never gone away and it never will. What did you do next?”

“I cut him out of my life completely. I told the doctors that he wasn’t allowed any information regarding Julia’s condition. I found a small two bedroom apartment and left everything at Kyle’s place, except my stuff and the baby’s. I took a job working overnight shifts, four nights, ten hours. I made an arrangement with Laura, free room and board if she could watch Julia when I had to work. The baby slept through the night and I had her crib in my room. Laura was a trooper and a definite lifesaver. Other than my job I spent every minute I could with my little girl. She stabilized for a long while. We made it to her second birthday and then to her third. She was reaching milestones, just later than other babies her age. She learned to walk when she was 16 months. The first time she ever said Dada it melted my heart. She was 14 months old for that. She was such a happy, beautiful girl, always smiling and giggling. We were happy. “

“Not long after she turned three she started to stutter. That was something new. At this point we had checkups every three months. The last scans had shown that everything was still the same. Her next appointment wasn’t for a month so I brought her in. The new scans showed several tumors had grown. We got another six months. That was it. Six months of watching a vibrant, laughing little girl deteriorate so quickly it took my breath away. It seemed like everyday was another step backwards when she should have been taking steps forward. She had to be hospitalized the last few weeks because she was in so much pain.”

At this point Jarren was holding onto Nash tightly trying to control his own emotions. He couldn’t imagine the agony of watching your child fade away. His own eyes were clouded with unshed tears, his heart aching for the broken man shaking in his arms.

Nash’s voice was soft as he told Jarren of Julia’s last few days. “She was out of it most of the time. They had her on some serious painkillers. They called me at two o’clock in the morning and told me I needed to come right away. I was never so scared in all of my life. When I got back to the hospital that I had only left a few hours before, she looked so fragile. Her breathing was really slow. I just held her and held her. She loved this silly song, the one that goes ‘There’s a hole in the bucket dear Liza, dear Liza’, I sang that to her over and over.” Nash’s voice was cracking and his tears flowed freely.” It got to the point where I just couldn’t sing anymore. I was crying too much. Then she sighed one last time and was so still, so, so still. She died in my arms and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. It was January 21, 2013.”

‘Oh shit’ Jarren thought. That must have been the day he had been so upset at work. It made sense. No wonder he had yelled at their client. Jarren just held him tighter.

Nash, to his credit, held it together well. He had cried an ocean’s worth of tears and now it was pure sadness that overcame him whenever he let himself remember all of the events that had happened a lifetime ago. Pain was such a complex thing. There was physical pain, an injury that shoots through nerve endings, telling the brain that something hurts. Physical pain was fleeting most of the time, even chronic pain could be managed. Emotional pain? How do you measure the pain of losing a child? How do you handle the grief, the anger, the overwhelming sorrow? There was no magic pill that could dull that pain, only stop gap measures that left a person emotionless for a while. Once those drugs were out of your system the emotions washed over you again and again. The pain of losing a child never went away. People just learned to manage it.

When Jarren felt Nash relax slightly he asked “How did you come to be in this area?”

Nash pulled back so he could look at Jarren and answered “I needed a change. One of the guys that I worked with was from this area and knew Andre. He gave me his info and I called and then next thing I know, I’m in my truck, packed with only the bare necessities and here I am. Been here almost six years now. It’s a nice enough area and I like my job, Andre’s a good boss. Jarren, I’m sorry I unloaded all this on you. I told myself after Kyle that I wouldn’t let myself get involved in a relationship again. But you, there’s just something about you that I can’t shake. No matter how hard I try, my mind just keeps centering on you. So I knew that if I wanted to let whatever it is between us have a chance, you had to know. I just hope I haven’t scared you away from wanting it too. This, whatever it is.”

Jarren didn’t hesitate to answer. “You haven’t scared me at all. As a matter of fact you just reinforced the fact that you’re worth it to me. You’re the reason I can now admit that I’m gay and I’m happy that I am. You suffered an unimaginable loss that will be with you for the rest of your life. I just hope that maybe, just maybe I can help you find a way to move forward. I’d like a chance to prove to you that I’m worth it. I want to see where this will lead us. I’ll tell you what. I’ll sign on for this for however long I need to. We take it one day at a time. What do you say?”

Nash didn’t say anything else at first. He merely took Jarren and pulled him closer sealing their lips together once again. Their tongues danced together, exploring, tasting. Nash pushed Jarren back against the couch and half covered his body with his own. Jarren’s hands entwined themselves in the wavy, soft locks and held Nash’s head in place. Jarren felt his heart hammering in his chest and he could hear the blood roaring through his veins as they explored each other’s mouths.

Nash backed off first. He was breathing quickly and looked at Jarren and told him “I say OK and I also say I want you. Every inch. I need you.”

Jarren, his wits hanging on by a mere thread replied “Nash, your emotions are running so high right now. I don’t know if sex is the best idea.”

Nash sat up and pulled Jarren up to a standing position. His face was merely a fraction of an inch away and he growled “Sex with you is exactly what I need right now.” His eyes were heated with desire and he added a soft “Please.”

Jarren nearly melted. He didn’t have to say anything. He just allowed Nash to lead him down the short hall to his bedroom.