Mike Finds Himself - 5. Mike Comes Out To Himself

It had been three months since his cousin’s funeral. Following his resolve to change his life and hopefully ward off an early death like his cousin’s, Mike had made many significant lifestyle changes. By strictly following a healthy diet he had lost 20 (9.1 kg) pounds with a goal of 55 (25.0 kg). He had given up cigarettes and limited himself to more than one beer a day. Actually he now rarely drank beer. In the past month he had only had two when at social events. He had joined a fitness center and exercised daily. And he had made a new friend. Jim, the young cute co-worker inspired him. Most days they had healthy lunches together. While Mike was not positive, he thought Jim was gay. Signs that he was gay included he had exposed himself in the bathroom, (innocently or not?) lived with his buddy from college and had never mentioned any kind of relationship or even friendship with a woman.

Mike could not get a recurring thought out of his mind. While exercising at the fitness center he had time to think, especially when he used the elliptical machine for half an hour most days. Why was he frequently thinking about men? He remembered that at the ages of twelve to fourteen the best part of jacking off with his cousin was watching George’s dick. In the past months he had enjoyed checking out his neighbor Dale. The day he helped him move a table off the deck he remembered the wet from sweat tank top that revealed each nipple, the bulge in the shorts that indicated a mighty piece and the firm ass with a line of sweat running down the crack. He remember the day he pissed next to Jim. He could not resist peaking as Jim pissed at the next urinal followed by pulling the skin of his uncut dick back, then gently squeezing out the last drop followed by shaking off anything that might remain and finally pulling the skin back over the head as he tucked it into his pants. He was ashamed to remember walking in on his 18 year old son jerking off. Why did he today remember the details of his son’s hard dick? The episodes here at the fitness center in the shower and sauna were etched in his mind. As he worked out why was he checking out men but not women? He could recollect almost every dick that he had seen here at the fitness center. As he looked around he could visualize the dick of the fifty something hairy guy off to his left using a bicep machine. He had seen it in the locker room and remembered that it was cut, neither long or short with a small head. The dick bent to the left and he had small tight balls. Although he had not seen this ordinary looking guy for two weeks he remained those details. Why did he even have such thoughts? Meanwhile the woman on the machine next to the hairy guy hairy had big boobs. Although he had seen her most days this was the first time he noticed her body.

As Mike continued on the elliptic machine he considered his sex life, or actually the absence of one. Jerking off with his cousin over thirty years ago he remembered as being intense concerning his feelings. When his cousin announced when he was 16 and Mike 14 that when boys got older they no longer messed around with each other as they grew into manhood and pursued girls Mike was devastated that his cousin had stopped their fun times together. After that Mike continued to jerk off but with no emotional feeling, just a cumming and then it was over. Gradually he did it less often. Through high school and college he had no interest in sex and seldom pleasured himself. When he met Maggie it was her idea that they marry. He was a virgin to the opposite sex and assumed she was also. They did it on their honeymoon but not often after. It was her desire to have children that basically forced him to perform. It had been years since they had fucked.

Through the years he remembered enjoying checking out guys such as his neighbor. That was all it was, looking. When he jerked off maybe once a month he thought about some guy he had seen. That was the extent of his sex life. When he was with a group of guys someone frequently made a sexual comment about either a woman or the hope of getting laid. Why did he not have such thoughts?

Suddenly with his desire to improve his life the dormant erotic thoughts were released. But these thoughts only related to men. The day he had watched the guy jerk off and cum in the shower here at the fitness center had aroused him like he had not felt in years. After his shower he had gone to a stall in the men’s room and played with his dick that had gotten half hard. He so wanted to cum like that guy did but it just did not happen. Not wanting to fail having a successful jerkoff he added masturbation to his self-improvement routine. He would play with his dick every day. Within a week of this new routine he was able to get hard and within another week was cumming. The fact that he had given up smoking, most alcohol and was exercising probably helped his dick revive. Between the exercise and loss of 20 pounds most of his beer belly was gone or had tightened. With less fat in the crotch area his dick was less buried. He looked forward to losing all 55 pounds and hopefully have the dick he remember when he was in his twenties. He remembered that as a teenager he noted during gym showers that he was equal or better than most guys in the cock area. Actually, he know looked forward to holding his dick in his fist and moving up and down. He wished another guy would show off for him in the showers. Hopefully, this time he would be able to join in.

This new life with his dick did not answer his big question. Why do I look at and have erotic feelings about guys and not women? Am I GAY? A Homosexual? He wanted an answer. There was no one he could talk to. Possibly Jim but he was not sure he was willing to share his soul with the young man. Besides there was the possibility Jim was straight and would be repulsed by such a conversation. Then he had a bright idea, if I can research lawn care on the internet, why not sex? However, he could not use the home computer if anyone was home. It was located in an alcove just off the kitchen. His wife used it daily. Her profession as a real estate agent required her to constantly check her email and updates on real estate sites. She also frequently read and posted on Facebook. He did not have a Facebook account and did not know Maggie’s username or password. He decided he should start using the home computer.

At lunch he discussed computer use with Jim. While he used the computer on his desk constantly he had never used it personally. He never used the computer at home except to order stuff on Amazon or Walmart.com. When he explained his lack of computer use Jim laughed as he said, “You mean you never looked at porn?” Then Jim suggested he start his home use by playing games such as solitaire and subscribe to a newspaper, possibly The New York Times. He explained that he scanned the Times every day.

Mike then had a plan. He would begin playing solitaire and read the Times. The family would get use to his being on the computer. Then when he was home alone or no one was within eyeshot he would research gay life.

Mike began using the home computer every day. In the evening after Maggie checked her email, real estate activity and Facebook posts Mike would skim the New York Times and play a couple games of solitaire. He soon found Spider Solitaire to be addictive. One evening he finally felt safe searching gay material. Maggie was at her monthly book club meeting, Daughter Kathy was at the mall buying cloths and supplies for her return to the university the following week– or that was what she said she was doing and son Pete was in his room with the door closed. Mike hoped he was enjoying life.

Sitting at the home computer Mike first selected ‘New Incognito Window’ so no one would be able to trace his search history. He then started a game of Spider. He had the solitaire game available so he could switch to the game with one click if anyone entered the kitchen. He then did a search ‘am I a gay man’. He was amazed at the amount of information that was available. One of the most informative and enlightening sites had a booklet from an Australian organization. The 45 page booklet ‘Out Late –A Guide for Older Men Coming Out’ discussed all aspects of gay life including topics Mike had never considered. ‘The Where can I meet other guys?’ section described: Bars and nightclubs, dance parties, beats (Cruising areas with information on how to cruise as well as the dangers), saunas, backrooms, sex clubs, and the internet. Another section described Sex and Gay Men including: foreplay and masturbation (wanking), mutual masturbation, oral sex, rimming (shocking to Mike), anal sex (also shocking to Mike). The last section of the pamphlet had a glossary with detailed discussions of many gay related terms. Note: The web address of this booklet is at the end of this chapter.

By the end of the evening Mike realized he had been gay all his life. As he considered this self-discovery over the next few days he became aware that for at least the previous 25 years he had been in self-denial about his orientation. Along with this self-denial he had stifled sexual thoughts.

Mike certainly had a lot to think about at the fitness center while on the elliptic.

The following Sunday afternoon while Maggie was with real estate clients and Pete and Kathy were out doing whatever teenagers do Mike again had private use of the computer. This time he decided to check out porn. He had seen porn mentioned frequently but was not sure what to expect. When Jim laughed as he said, “You mean you never looked at porn?” earlier when he had discussed his little use of the computer Mike did not want to admit he was somewhat bewildered. Once again he went incognito to search the web. He enter ‘gay porn’ as his search. The amount of sites was amazing. He looked at pictures and watched videos. Other than masturbation and sucking almost everything he saw was new to him. He was fascinated by the concept of ‘docking’. As he watched a guy with a long flaccid foreskin engulf a cut guy like himself he himself got hard. Taking his dick out, he jerked as the two onscreen dickheads kissed under the skin. He shot probably the most intense load of his life as one of the guys on the screen came and cum dripped out of the docking.

Mike found numerous other sites and from then on was on the computer daily if possible. If no one was at home he jerked off while checking porn. If someone was home he went to the bathroom for a quickie.

While Mike enjoyed the porn he realized that to have a satisfactory lifestyle he needed to have social activity with healthy people. When he shared his thoughts about joining a hiking group that he had read about in the newspaper Jim was supportive. When Mike stated he was concerned that he might embarrass himself as he had not hiked since he was as teenager Jim had a suggestion. He and his roommate frequently took weekend hikes. Jim suggested he accompany them on Saturday. Mike thanked Jim for the offer and told him he would check the family schedule and get back to him. The next morning as soon as he arrived at the office Mike went to Jim’s work space and told him the family calendar was open and he would gladly go. Mid-morning Jim stopped by Mike’s work area, “It’s a warm day. Let’s have our lunch at one of the outside tables.” Then he whispered, “I have something I want to discuss with you.”

Mike could not imagine what his friend wanted to talk about. At noon he retrieved his home made lunch from the break room refrigerator. There were three picnic tables in the grassy area behind the building. Jim was sitting at the most secluded one. Mike sat down and his friend began, “Mike, before we do our hike this weekend I need to tell you something. I told you that my college roommate and I share an apartment. Actually we share more than just real estate. I met Rob in my sophomore year. We became friends and then really good friends. He is my soulmate. I love him. If you do not want to spend the Saturday morning with two guys in such a relationship I understand.”

Mike was quiet for a moment. This only confirmed what he had assumed. He decided to make lite of the situation. “I will hike with you and Rob on Saturday on one condition.” He paused as Jim got a disturbed look on his face. “When the big day happens you invite me to your wedding. I have no problem with your lifestyle. Men are born to be who they are. I look forward to meeting Rob.”

With a smile Jim thanked Mike for the support. They then discussed the plans for Saturday. Jim assured Mike that the hike would not be strenuous.

As planned they met at the parking area where the trail crossed the road. Mike was not surprised that Rob was as handsome as Jim. The two were a perfectly matched pair. Since the trail was narrow they mostly walked in single file. As the others lead Mike was always second or third in the line. His only quandary as they hiked was, ‘which one of these hotties (a term he had learned on the web) had the cutest ass. He chastised himself for imagining each ass being fucked.

After hiking about 30 minutes Rob suggested they take a break. Jim said, “Excuse me while I get rid of my morning coffee”. He walked a short distance into the forest and turned his back. Rob followed and the two were soon pissing side by side. Mike walked in a different direction for his relief.

Rob suggested they sit on a log, rehydrate with water and rest a couple of minutes. Mike assumed the rest was for his benefit as they had been on the trail only thirty minutes.

Mike spoke, “Jim and Rob, I want to thank you for a delightful experience. I really needed a break from my normal routine. There is something that I have had on my mind recently and wanted to discuss it with someone. I believe I have found the perfect guys to share my concerns.”