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Dodger

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So here’s what’s new.

 

I’ve got a dog. A golden doodle or is it a labradoodle, I’m not sure, but my sister told me that it was big and hard and she must have known that I wouldn’t turn that down.

 

I wasn’t looking for a pet, but he was looking for a home to destroy and I just happened to have one available. The alternative for this poor creature was the pound but like the fool that I am, I didn’t ask why. My sister; love her, talked me into it but forgot to mention to me that he was very hairy, very young and not yet housetrained. It’s a familiar pattern; most of the males that enter her house are the same way, but when I pointed this out, I knew exactly what to expect and although our little battles have become much tamer over the years, I rarely win.

 

She has far too much sensitive info on me to ever be vulnerable; it’s enough to put Edward Snowdon in the shade, so I have to be careful about what I say. I’m only joking, of course, I’ve been a good boy and she loves me. She told me so. Once. At the end of a hen night that she doesn’t remember and I definitely shouldn’t have been invited too. Come on, it was a night out, I was bored and there were male strippers, although I didn’t know that or I would’ve worn my glasses.

 

Whatever, I’m easy going and I look at it as a valuable lesson learned. Never go out on the razzle with your sister or any other member of your immediate family, and if you do, stay the f**k away from tequila and anyone who plays the bongos and goes by the name of Stardust! It’s a dangerous combination, and although admittedly rare, it’s designed specifically to trip-up complete idiots such as yours truly. Luckily, I regained my sense of morality—or survival instinct kicked in—and I was able to give Stardust the slip long before he could show me his proud collection of Vietnam War memorabilia. My sister doesn’t believe me though, and the fact that he still sends me the occasional text adds some credibility to her well-worn jibes. I don’t reply to them, but I know that I will never be able to sit through another re-run of ‘Full Metal Jacket’ without thinking about this dude.

 

I got sidetracked; this wasn’t the reason why I decided—in one of my all too frequent moments of insanity—to give a home to this crazed animal, who was able to pull off one of the greatest impersonations of all time. For the fifteen minutes that it took to drive him from my sister’s house to mine, he successfully masqueraded as a playful, cute, quiet, adorable little puppy, the type that you see on television adverts. I was ready to find him an agent and rake in the dosh, but those dollar signs quickly disappeared along with the sofa and almost anything else that he could fit his vice-like jaws around.

 

I’ve always been a sucker for puppy dog eyes and partial to a little playful biting every now and then, but this guy was soon taking lumps out of me the size of golf balls. My sister said it would be therapeutic, good company for me while I recovered from a recent health issue, but my stress level went through the roof and my clean orderly life fell apart. She could have given me an alligator instead; at least I would have been better prepared.

 

Now, let's make this clear. I would never hurt the little guy or mistreat him in any way. I am way too scared of him to attempt anything that foolish. It’s been a challenge though, and one that I have now begrudgingly accepted if only to prove the family wrong. They think that I’m a drama queen and maybe there is a little truth in that sweeping statement, but walking around my house in the morning can be like strolling through a minefield and taking him out for a walk is traumatic at best.

 

I’m no stranger to dog collars, but anyone who gets that excited at the prospect of being attached to a leash and paraded around the neighbourhood isn’t exactly stable in my book. I was told by a helpful buddy of mine, who doesn’t really know me that well, that a cute dog is a babe magnet and it’s true, but it depends on which side of the road you choose to walk down. He didn’t get my vague metaphor, but he was right, and now I’m fairly certain that I’m being stalked by the lady a few doors along from me. She has a golden retriever and when my dog takes me for a walk, I always seem to bump into her. They’re both females and overly friendly, and it’s got to the stage where I’m checking to see if the coast is clear before setting foot outside and choosing increasingly odd hours to exercise my hound. So far, it hasn’t worked and she’s managed to collar me more times than not. She’s even caught me hiding behind the recycling, or rather my dog gave me away. He doesn’t exactly help by trying to jump her pouch at every opportunity, even though it happens to be twice his age and three times his size. It’s embarrassing but as flattering as it is, if her owner thinks that I’m going to try to follow his example in any way, then she’s definitely barking up the wrong tree.

 

Who knows, maybe there’s a nice fit, good-looking, masculine, dog owner in the neighbourhood who’s up for a little playful biting, and doesn’t mind being jumped on, licked and drooled over occasionally, plus whatever the dog does to him.

 

In the meantime, it’s just me and my dog and despite all my misgivings, moans and the fact that he has single-handedly destroyed my life, he’s become my best friend, and I truly love him to bits. My rapid evolution into a responsible pet owner—the type that I would always ridicule in my younger years—has somewhat surprised my family. I guess that they never saw me in this role, and neither did I. The only thing that they don’t understand is why I called him ‘Stardust’. My overly protective older sister thinks she knows, but she would never tell anyone anyway.

 

They say that dogs look like their owners or vice versa, but honestly, I can only wish I was that cute! Take a look at the pictures below.

Banjo2.jpg

Banjo.jpg

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Dodger, this was absolutely hysterical! You are one funny dude! :) You have such a good sense of humor, I couldn't stop laughing!

 

I just didn't understand the note in italics. What do you mean she's not your real sister, and no one is named Stardust?

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11 minutes ago, Lisa said:

Dodger, this was absolutely hysterical! You are one funny dude! :) You have such a good sense of humor, I couldn't stop laughing!

 

I just didn't understand the note in italics. What do you mean she's not your real sister, and no one is named Stardust?

 

Thanks, Lisa. I'm glad you enjoyed it. You're right, the bottom line is a bit misleading and I may have to edit or remove it before my sister sees it. She is actually my sister by adoption but was originally my first cousin, if that makes any sense. I was adopted by my uncle who is her dad. The dog's real name is Banjo, although I didn't name him. I'm rambling again sorry, but thank you so much for reading and taking an interest.   

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Yeah, I would take that out because your sister may get upset if she sees it.  For all intents and purposes,she is your sister. :)

 

Banjo is an adorable name! I wouldn't change it because he's used to that name, and you don't want to confuse him. Is he neutered yet? How old is he? Once he's past his puppy stage (and already neutered), he should calm down a bit. lol

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I agree with Lisa, it was hilarious. Perhaps you have missed your vocation - should have been a stand up comic - well it's not too late. Can't wait for more adventures with Stardust/Banjo and that poor guy who got trapped into taking him in - oh, that's you! 😂

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Get some dog training, Petsmart and Petco both offer classes. You need to teach him to walk on the leash before he gets bigger. Cute story, reminded me of bringing Dixie home and the trouble we're having with training Blitze

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Very funny and interesting read, I agree get some training and fast. They learn a lot faster when they are younger. The Labrador part of him will love the training. :)

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58 minutes ago, Mark92 said:

Very funny and interesting read, I agree get some training and fast. They learn a lot faster when they are younger. The Labrador part of him will love the training. :)

 

The poodle part will need a nice cut and blow dry at your local poodle parlour 🐩

 

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7 hours ago, William King said:

I agree with Lisa, it was hilarious. Perhaps you have missed your vocation - should have been a stand up comic - well it's not too late. Can't wait for more adventures with Stardust/Banjo and that poor guy who got trapped into taking him in - oh, that's you! 😂

 

Thanks, William, I really appreciate your comment. I'm nowhere near confident enough to have ever tried my hand at stand-up comedy. Those people amaze me; I don't know how they do it. It's got to be a lot easier sitting on your own in front of a computer than standing in front of thousands of people expecting you to make them laugh. I would be lucky to get out alive. All credit to those people. I'll keep you updated with Banjo's progress and my attempt at becoming a pet owner. 

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On 2017-05-29 at 0:20 AM, Lisa said:

Yeah, I would take that out because your sister may get upset if she sees it.  For all intents and purposes,she is your sister. :)

 

Banjo is an adorable name! I wouldn't change it because he's used to that name, and you don't want to confuse him. Is he neutered yet? How old is he? Once he's past his puppy stage (and already neutered), he should calm down a bit. lol

 

You're right. I will keep the name (Banjo). It kind of suits him anyway. He's only 5 months old and not neutered yet, but he's already doubled in size from the photos that I posted. Not sure how long they remain puppies though or when they stop growing?

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Hi Dodger,

Great story and a good looking dog.  It is a bit of an old wives tale, but look at his paws and think how big he needs to be to look right with those paws.  Large breed dogs often have very big paws as puppys.  Keep the name and get him a buddy and name him Guitar and then you can have a duet...........  Yea I know, BAD  :P.  You will have a friend that only needs love to be your best buddy forever.  Praise to you for rescuing him.

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On 2017-05-30 at 11:41 PM, Lisa said:

Dodger, Wenmale's right; look at Banjo's paws. That should give you some idea on how big he'll get. :) I believe they stop growing at about a year, maybe a little after.

 

I found this link on Google:

 

http://goldendoodles.com/care/growth_chart.htm

 

And this:

 

http://dogtime.com/dog-breeds/goldendoodle#/slide/1

 

 

 

Thank you so much for the links, Lisa. Very helpful sites, especially the growth charts. I think that he's going to be a big dog! He seems to have had a good reception here and completely unaware of course, that he has become a mini-celebrity on a gay website.

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If you can find it, Grannick's Bitter Apple might help with the chewing.  My first Labrador puppy was a chewer.  I ended up spraying this stuff on furniture, clothes in the laundry basket & myself.  The only thing he would still chew after it was treated were my smelly running shoes.

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Funny and lovely entry. I wonder if you have to go for dog training though, like most dogs Banjo probably has you training well underway. We are between dogs right now, ours died a year ago. It takes time for me to be ready for another pet as they are each distinct and not replaceable. We should start soon because a young puppy is still a couple of years away from being a dog - cute, loveable, playful, troublesome - yes, but not a dog. 

 

About the chewing,here is my 2 cents, and it is worth exactly that - puppies often chew when teeth are coming in so it is sometimes easier to direct their chewing to acceptable items - sticks, toys rather than trying to suppress it altogether.  Good luck

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This entry had me howling! Your sarcasm and wit are a breath of fresh air... on topic, I hope Banjo is settling down for his daddy.

Edited by BlindAmbition
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Oh i hope you enjoy your poodle cross as much as we did ours. He was a wonderful dog, bright and funny and waaay to smart for us. Ripley was easy to train but i think he was better at it. We behaved ourselves very well.

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6 hours ago, Mikiesboy said:

Oh i hope you enjoy your poodle cross as much as we did ours. He was a wonderful dog, bright and funny and waaay to smart for us. Ripley was easy to train but i think he was better at it. We behaved ourselves very well.

 

Yeah, they're smart dogs. He's certainly got the better of me, although that's probably not that difficult to do. I might need to improve my fitness a little to keep up with him though. Thanks for reading Tim.

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