So I had a good time last night, and I'm going to write all about it (in another entry), but first I want to talk about a...well I guess "sad" thought I had in my head for some reason when I woke up. More of a "what could have been" thought.

It's funny what's in your head when you wake up. Every now and then I wake up with songs stuck in my head (having a song stuck in my head has never particularly bothered me so it's all good). Sometimes other random feelings or thoughts. Well today for some reason I woke up thinking about my best friend growing up.

Well I guess I should explain that when I was a kid I had several "best friends", but he was probably my best "best friend" for several years. Cody was his name (yeah same name as the waiter I mentioned in an earlier entry. I've always liked the name, maybe I'm more inclined to like guys with the name. Possibly even because of him...anyway). We were really close through junior high and high school. In 6th grade we were friends. In 7th grade we were really good friends. In 8th grade he was definitely my best friend. He was probably the first person, whom I wasn't related to, that I (almost) completely trusted. In 7th and 8th grade I had a crush on him. No two ways about that. In fact I imagine that's why we became friends. Oh I had lots of friends I wasn't attracted to, and we clicked pretty well so maybe it would have happened anyway, but truthfully I imagine that had something to do with it. Anyway by the end of 8th grade I'd mostly gotten over those feelings...mostly. It was weird, I mean obviously it's hard to tell and your perception is going to be distorted if you're attracted to someone, but I often felt like maybe, just MAYBE he felt the same way. Of course I later decided that was just wishful thinking.

A few odd things happened though. Like the fact that he tried to seduce me the summer between 8th and 9th grade (well I'm sure we wouldn't have "gone all the way", but he had some messing around in mind). I have no doubt that's what he was trying to do, and even then I knew that's what he was trying to do. BUT I didn't go for it, more like jumped up and changed the subject. I think he was hurt, definitely mad and embarrassed. I was just...freaked out. I hadn't really sorted out my sexuality, but I knew he could get me into "trouble" . I dunno on the one hand maybe I was trying to deny my feelings. But I also remember thinking something along the lines of, "no, this'll mean more to me than it will to you". That was the only time anything overt ever happened. I chalked it up to the whole "teenagers experimenting thing". I still do think that, I really do, it's just that now I wonder a bit. He always treated me differently than the rest of our friends. Better. More thoughtfully, more protectively. Still I always thought it was because we were close. It probably was. One time in my junior year of high school I was telling my friend Philip about an argument we'd had the night before. I told him all about how it started when I picked him up, progressed over dinner, and culminated on the way home. When I finished he just looked at me and laughed and said, "Geez, it sounds like you guys are dating".

Anyway looking back today with more clarity and perspective, I just couldn't help but wonder a bit. If I had to guess I'd still guess that he was straight. It's just that if he isn't....MAN, did I blow it! Actually I honestly wasn't particularly attracted to him once we got into high school. I no longer had those kinds of feelings for him, and he really was "in the friend zone". But who knows how things could have been different? It could have been good, REALLY good,... theoretically