If your S.O cheated...

[AFriendlyFace]

Hi everyone,

 

So this is something I've been curious about for a long time. Often I hear and see this sort of thing and sometimes it's not a big deal, the person figures their partner's feelings must just be different toward that gender, or that it "doesn't really count" or something like that. Other times it much worse and the other person feels more threatened and hurt, more betrayed.

 

For me it wouldn't matter. I'm very firm on fidelity in my relationships and either way I'm pretty sure I'd show the person the door. However, I really don't think the gender of who they were screwing around with would make a difference. The only things I can imagine that might make it worse or better would be the specific person they did it with. Obviously I'd be much more hurt if it were with someone I cared about and trusted myself. I might feel a little less hurt if it were an ex-lover or something. Like I said, either way I'd expect to kick them out (fortunately I've never been cheated on so this is all just hypothetical as far as I'm concerned), but I really don't think it would matter.

 

I understand from talking to friends that often these feelings arise because the cheated on person feels like it's somehow a reflection on them. I don't think this is how I would feel. I'd pretty much assume that if my boyfriend were screwing around he's the messed up prick, not me, and the relationship would end because I would no longer feel able to trust him.

 

However, if I tried to imagine thinking about it in terms of myself versus him, then I suppose I would feel better if it were a girl. That would imply to me that he simply had some exploring he needed to do, or some confused feelings, or just plain a desire for something I couldn't give him (and I wouldn't feel inadequate about that because it would be something too fundamental). From this point of view I definitely think I'd feel worse if he were cheating on me with another guy. However, I like I said above I really don't think I would feel like this in the first place. His cheating would be about him not me. Unless I really was being grossly negligent in our relationship I don't think I would see it as a reflection on me at all, and even if I did conclude that it happened because he felt unsatisfied I think I would still feel as though it were his responsibility to talk to me about that before it got to the point of screwing around.

 

Anyway, that's just my perspective on things from my point of view. I'm not saying that people that cheat are fundamentally messed up or untrustworthy, just that I would have trouble once again trusting someone who cheated on me. Also, I get that for different relationships it's not a big deal at all, and I think that's fine. It's all about how the people involved define their relationships.

 

Anyway, I've long been curious to get a general consensus on this because it seems like something which people vary on so much! Also would you feel more or less guilty if you cheated with someone of the "atypical gender"? Again I don't think it would matter to me.

 

Take care all and have a great day!

Kevin

Edited November 28, 2007 by AFriendlyFace

[Graeme]

I voted that it wouldn't make any difference, because the question was asking about me.

 

However, from what I know it CAN make a huge difference in a heterosexual relationship if that is also the first inclination that the other person is bi-sexual or gay. The person is hit with the double-whammy of an unfaithful partner AND learning something they hadn't expected about their partner. This is a huge shock -- much more than just learning about a "traditional" affair.

 

If I was voting for my wife, I would have picked "much worse with the atypical gender". She had enough of a shock simply learning I'm gay. If she had found out because I'd had a gay affair... I honestly don't know what would have been the result.

[Benji]

...........Although I'm 100% not worried this will ever happen, I voted it wouldn't make a difference.

[NaperVic]

, I'm not sure what atypical means (the definition)...but basically...

 

I'm pretty particular that I only date gay guys, so if my S.O. cheated on me with a chick, I wouldn't feel so bad compared to them cheating on me with a dude.

 

If my BF cheated on me with a chick, then I'm assume the problem was 'them' and not me...Their inner heterosexual has come out of the closet and they are only following their heart. They were never really gay and I couldn't ever see myself dating a bi-dude.

 

If my BF cheated on me with a dude, I'd be pissed. Public displays of anger pissed. Dishes hurled, bitch slaps tossed, insults yelled.

 

My Ex and I broke up because he was 'cheating' on me with another guy. Not physical cheating in that they did the 'JSMITH whatever', but he mentally cheated on me by having a mental relationship with another dude.

 

Because it wasn't physical cheating, it was harder to define and I couldn't point to one event, but lets just say that the mental cheating over a one year period led to some ugliness.

 

We're friends now (and he's not dating that Dude anymore), but there's no way I would get back together with him cause he's a cheater.

 

Anywhooo, thanks for setting up this forum

[rknapp]

My opinion shouldn't matter since I've never dated someone before... but I voted for it not mattering. Honestly, the magnitude of infidelity is the same no matter how it is performed. It might be a shock to me if my gay boyfriend played doctor with a woman, or if my straight girlfriend did the horizontal tango with another woman, but I'd be pissed just the same. I wouldn't throw a fit like Vic would, but I would certainly make it a point to never see that person, or the other offending party, ever again (or likely until they came running back to me in tears and apologized, but, like Vic, I wouldn't take their cheating ass back).

[C James]

I voted "No difference" becuase to me, cheating is cheating.

 

the 'JSMITH whatever'

 

Vic, I think you've coined a new euphemism!

 

However, Joe hasn't, that I know of, said what he meant by "whatever", so one could assume it meant "changing the oil on a car" or "Playing Backgammon" etc.

[TalonRider]

I voted no. It hurts no matter the gender of the other person. My ex started dating a girl he worked with. I knew something was up when he started running around with her and her twin sister. Trust me when I say it got quite ugly between us for awhile. I can say that he and I remain friends to this day.

 

Jan

[Menzoberranzen]

If my BF cheated on me with a dude, I'd be pissed. Public displays of anger pissed. Dishes hurled, bitch slaps tossed, insults yelled.

 

It's the only decent way to be pissed.

 

I don't think I'd care more one way or the other - they are still going to be on the wrong ends of one of my rare fits of anger It's hard to say really since I've never had the pleasure of walking in with an S.O. and a woman. Interesting question, though.

 

Menzo

PS

 

I'm assume the problem was 'them' and not me.

 

I just always assume the problem is them

[Ieshwar]

*sigh* Yes, it will be the same. I'll be depressed and angry!

 

This is an issue that rose between me and Rohun. I told him that fidelity means sticking just to one. Man or woman! But he said no! :wacko: He's kinda bi, supposedly, and thinks that loving a guy is different from loving a woman. So if you do one, you can do the other at the same time. In fcat, he even said that tomorrow, if his parents want him to marry, he will (witha bride of course) and will have a guy too. But that guy will be the true love.

 

I definitely not agree here and that's what I told him.

 

Btw, was this relelvant or I just blabbered?

 

Ieshwar

[Menzoberranzen]

*sigh* Yes, it will be the same. I'll be depressed and angry!

 

This is an issue that rose between me and Rohun. I told him that fidelity means sticking just to one. Man or woman! But he said no! :wacko: He's kinda bi, supposedly, and thinks that loving a guy is different from loving a woman. So if you do one, you can do the other at the same time. In fcat, he even said that tomorrow, if his parents want him to marry, he will (witha bride of course) and will have a guy too. But that guy will be the true love.

 

I definitely not agree here and that's what I told him.

 

Btw, was this relelvant or I just blabbered?

 

Ieshwar

 

That's what I call trying to have your cake and eat it too.

 

And it was very relevant

[Graeme]

...he even said that tomorrow, if his parents want him to marry, he will (witha bride of course) and will have a guy too. But that guy will be the true love.

Very relevant

 

I agree with you, Ieshwar, but you have to allow for the context. He's in a culture where a heterosexual marriage is expected and homosexuality is frowned upon (if not worse). As such, people will tend to compartmentalise the two and treat them as something different. It happens all over the world.

 

One of the books that my wife's counsellor suggested when my wife was struggling with the news that I'm gay is a book by Australian journalist Sue Joseph titled She's my wife. He's just sex. This compartmentalisation comes over clear in this book where the men clearly distinguish between the love for their wives/girlfriends, and the gay sex they have. Rohun is just reversing the situation.

 

On a personal note, I found the book very disturbing because I could relate so strongly to the men in the book. I could understand what they were thinking and why, because I had had similar thoughts though I hadn't acted on them.

 

I don't approve of what Rohun said he would do, but I understand it. I hope it never comes to that, though.

 

Graeme

 

PS: If anyone in Australia is interested in getting the book listed above it is a lot cheaper directly from the publisher, the Australian Centre for Independent Journalism

[Ieshwar]

I understand too. In fact, his case is worse than mine. His parents are very religious and much orthodox, unlike mine. So I can see his view. But I will never share my love. That's what I told him.

 

Ieshwar

[shadowgod]

Wouldn't matter what so ever. A cheater is still a cheater...

 

Look at it this way:

 

If you caught your significant other buggering a goat would it really matter what sex the goat was?

 

I doubt it, of course it would matter if it was your goat I guess... but other than that...

 

and I just made you all think about CJ didnt I?

 

[JamesSavik]

For me if my same sex SO cheated with a woman, I wouldn't know what to think.

 

It would be over- period, end of story.

 

It would indicate to me that he doesn't know who he is and I don't have time to wait 5 years while he figures out that he really likes fish.

[AFriendlyFace]

This is an issue that rose between me and Rohun. I told him that fidelity means sticking just to one. Man or woman! But he said no! :wacko: He's kinda bi, supposedly, and thinks that loving a guy is different from loving a woman. So if you do one, you can do the other at the same time. In fcat, he even said that tomorrow, if his parents want him to marry, he will (witha bride of course) and will have a guy too. But that guy will be the true love.

 

I definitely not agree here and that's what I told him.

Oh my gosh, Ieshwar! I'm so sorry, It's really none of my business, but I'm really upset for you

 

I understand too. In fact, his case is worse than mine. His parents are very religious and much orthodox, unlike mine. So I can see his view. But I will never share my love. That's what I told him.

Good! I think you're right to stick to your guns!

 

Sorry if I'm being nosy,

 

Take care and have a great day

Kevin

[Ieshwar]

No worries dude! If I didn't want anyone to talk, I wouldn't have posted this here at the first place.

 

Ieshwar

[Benji]

Wouldn't matter what so ever. A cheater is still a cheater...

 

Look at it this way:

 

If you caught your significant other buggering a goat would it really matter what sex the goat was?

 

I doubt it, of course it would matter if it was your goat I guess... but other than that...

 

and I just made you all think about CJ didnt I?

 

 

 

..............Nicely put Shadowg_d, but was there another goat you had in mind?

[AFriendlyFace]

Well I must say I'm surprised at how many people feel as I do and wouldn't differentiate between the two! I was for sure thinking that there were going to more "It would be much worse" and at least a few "It wouldn't be as bad" (based on the reasoning that Ieshwar and Graeme discussed).

 

-Kevin

[Masked Monkey]

Ok, there are really 2 things at play here (goes into proposal mode)

1. Do you care WHO/WHAT/WHERE/WHY your SO cheats?
   
2. How do you define "cheating"?
   

I hazard to guess that most people would have serious issues with an SO who "cheats", the real issue is how you define cheating. Some (str8) people don't think that having casual (not leading to an LTR) sex with someone with the same parts is "cheating", but then that is their relationship and not mine. My *cough*bitch of a*cough* wife believed that masturbating or looking at porn was "cheating" ( but then again she is psycho, and I seemed to put up with psycho for way to long for my own good).

 

:king: Dr. Mr. Snow "Snoopy" Dog

[rknapp]

No worries dude! If I didn't want anyone to talk, I wouldn't have posted this here at the first place.

 

Ieshwar

Anyone who worries about Kevvers being nosy clearly hasn't met the boy lmfao.

 

Ok, there are really 2 things at play here (goes into proposal mode)

1. Do you care WHO/WHAT/WHERE/WHY your SO cheats?
   
2. How do you define "cheating"?
   

I hazard to guess that most people would have serious issues with an SO who "cheats", the real issue is how you define cheating. Some (str8) people don't think that having casual (not leading to an LTR) sex with someone with the same parts is "cheating", but then that is their relationship and not mine. My *cough*bitch of a*cough* wife believed that masturbating or looking at porn was "cheating" ( but then again she is psycho, and I seemed to put up with psycho for way to long for my own good).

 

:king: Dr. Mr. Snow "Snoopy" Dog

I am a witness to the psycho! I remember a conversation once with Doc when she was on one of her tirades and was about to break the door to his office down...

[Masked Monkey]

I am a witness to the psycho! I remember a conversation once with Doc when she was on one of her tirades and was about to break the door to his office down...

 

ugh

 

Would have rather that nobody had to be talking to me when that happend.

[Jason Rimbaud]

I voted that it didn't really matter. And it doesn't.

 

Basically because I don't believe that any human can stay monogamous forever. Even if it's only a "mental cheat", sooner or later it happens to everyone at one time or another. And when that happens, it's up to each individual to decide how to deal with it. Though more than likely, the other person never finds outs, especially if it's just a mental cheat.

 

Jason R.

 

Definition of Mental Cheat: Entering into a non-sexual relationship with another person for the reason of intimate intellectual stimulation. Though this behavior, if given the time to flourish, will become a sexual relationship.

[JamesSavik]

If your boyfriend ever cheated on you with a woman, or better yet ran off and married one, you might find it as appalling as I do.

 

He had the nerve to be surprised when I wouldn't f*** him because he was married.

 

I don't do Bi. Never, ever, ever.

[NaperVic]

Definition of Mental Cheat: Entering into a non-sexual relationship with another person for the reason of intimate intellectual stimulation. Though this behavior, if given the time to flourish, will become a sexual relationship.

 

So very true. It might start innocently enough, but given enough time, it could develop into something more.

 

If you see your current S.O. doing this, stop it all costs. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

 

Vic 'Who's still bitter about the little sh*t homewrecker'

[Graeme]

I voted that it didn't really matter. And it doesn't.

For all real purposes, you're right -- it doesn't matter. As has been said, cheating is cheating. The example I gave where it is worse is one that is probably not applicable to anyone on this board, as it involves not only cheating but still hiding in the closet, too.

 

Definition of Mental Cheat: Entering into a non-sexual relationship with another person for the reason of intimate intellectual stimulation. Though this behavior, if given the time to flourish, will become a sexual relationship.

So very true. It might start innocently enough, but given enough time, it could develop into something more.

 

If you see your current S.O. doing this, stop it all costs. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

And now I say you shouldn't make blanket statements

 

I can say this because, by this definition, I'm a mental cheat. The thing is my wife knows what I'm doing and lets me. My wife and my best online friend's boyfriend are both just glad that there's a very large ocean between me and my best online friend.

 

Seriously, the relationship I have with my friend COULD have become sexual if both of lived in the same country and we were both single. However, circumstances meant that it's a purely platonic relationship, but a lot closer than just "friends". We both understand and acknowledge the risks, but both of us have very strong commitments to our current relationships. Our relationship is more that of gay brothers than anything sexual.

 

However, I also know of a marriage that broke up because of an online relationship. She left her husband and flew across the country to be with her online boyfriend, so it is definitely a risk. As with most of these things a lot depends on whether the relationship is being done secretly or openly. In my case we're very open with both of our S.O.'s and while neither really understand it, they can accept it (possibly because of that awfully big ocean....)