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First To The Sun by C James

Graeme

By Graeme
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AFriendlyFace Journeyman Scribe

AFriendlyFace

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First To The Sun

by C James

**Spoilers**

 

I loved this story!! :lmao:

 

It was absolutely hilarious! I'm deeply impressed that CJ was able to maintain the style and effectiveness of the joke for so long and finally drive it home in an uproarious crescendo!

 

I'm a big fan of humorous pieces and this one was sensational! I it is my hope that CJ is only moistening his chops for lots more juicy mastication!

 

Way to go, CJ! :D

 

-Kevin

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wildone Master Scribe

wildone

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Great story CJ :worship:

 

From the opening line:

 

 

Dawn began, as it so often does, in the east on that troubled day.

 

I was saying to myself, what day doesn't it begin in the east and knew I was in for a great laugh and story.

 

Needless to say, I was not disappointed.

 

The innuendo was amazing and right on cue.

 

Having the General and the Janitor was great.

 

Maybe more stories need to be written under the influence of .....

 

Thanks CJ

Edited by wildone
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MikeL Journeyman Scribe

MikeL

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Wicked wording, CJ. Very good tongue-in-cheek phrasing. I have a soft spot for humor at the expense of the humorless.

 

Is the janitor's position considered an internship?

 

I also like the new word you used, ignobility...very creative and appropriate.

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TalonRider Journeyman Scribe

TalonRider

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This was a delightful story to work on with CJ. It had me in stitches. It might surprise you to hear what he had been doing before he wrote it, then again, it might not.

 

I think he's found the way to lighten the mood of a story.

 

Good job CJ. :worship:

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C James Master Scribe

C James

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Wow, thanks!!!

 

I have to admit, I was nervous about this one... For one thing, as Talonrider alludes to, I was drunk when i wrote it. :lol:

 

I'd been at a neighbor's birthday party, and had far too many tequila shots. I staggered home, and was about to send Graeme an e-mail, saying I was sorry, but I didn't have a story. (I was the one who suggested the theme for this anthology). This was after the document submission deadline, but before the HTML deadline. Somehow, I had an idea, related to a smart-ass e-mail I sent quite some time ago, and started typing. It took me an hour or two (When drunk, I have no sense of time) though I did go over it once sober, and polished it up (it badly needed it).

 

Thanks to an incredibly fast response from my team, I made the deadline. (and Graeme came up with the blurb: "Pro is to Con as Congress is to Progress".)

 

BTW, the filename for this story, when my team got it, was "dont drink and write". :lol:

 

CJ :)

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Meeko Journeyman Scribe

Meeko

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Wow, thanks!!!

 

I have to admit, I was nervous about this one... For one thing, as Talonrider alludes to, I was drunk when i wrote it. :lol:

 

I'd been at a neighbor's birthday party, and had far too many tequila shots. I staggered home, and was about to send Graeme an e-mail, saying I was sorry, but I didn't have a story. (I was the one who suggested the theme for this anthology). This was after the document submission deadline, but before the HTML deadline. Somehow, I had an idea, related to a smart-ass e-mail I sent quite some time ago, and started typing. It took me an hour or two (When drunk, I have no sense of time) though I did go over it once sober, and polished it up (it badly needed it).

 

Thanks to an incredibly fast response from my team, I made the deadline. (and Graeme came up with the blurb: "Pro is to Con as Congress is to Progress".)

 

BTW, the filename for this story, when my team got it, was "dont drink and write". :lol:

 

CJ :)

 

 

Wasn't there another story that you claimed to have written while drunk? I must say Cliff James, at this rate I may have to buy you some liquor and send it over. Not that your writing is better when your drunk, but more differen't, still great don't get me wrong, but different...

 

None The Less, WRITE MORE!

 

-Mike

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C James Master Scribe

C James

Posted
Posted
Wasn't there another story that you claimed to have written while drunk? I must say Cliff James, at this rate I may have to buy you some liquor and send it over. Not that your writing is better when your drunk, but more differen't, still great don't get me wrong, but different...

 

None The Less, WRITE MORE!

 

-Mike

 

Yep, the other "drunk writing" was "Three for Jake" (the first 3/4 of it, anyway), also a result of too much tequila. :)

 

"First to the Sun" was written while drunk, but the idea stemmed from an e-mail I wrote months before, where I explained, in somewhat technical terms, how such a mission would work.

 

I'll post that e-mail here.

 

I'm looking at solar activity reports today... Solar activity is still very low, and the solar minimum (between 11 year solar cycles) is about three years late.

 

I think this could be serious, and needs investigating!

 

Fortunately, there is an answer! The United States Congress!

 

Congress has a love of fact-finding expeditions at taxpayer expense; they seem to find the Carribean and the French Riviera to be areas very rich in facts that need to be found. Hot climates in particular seem to draw their attention.

 

Therefor, I propose that Congress should be sent on a fact-finding mission, to determine what, exactly, is going on with the sun.

 

This is not as far-fetched as it sounds. We have the technology; all it takes is the will.

 

The answer, in this case, is Cryogenic suspension. Normally, it is true that we don't known how to resuscitate someone who has been frozen, but in this case, with careful planning and a unique set of circumstances, that problem would not occur.

 

Congress, all 535 members (the Senate should go as well) can be placed in cryogenic suspension. They can then, with a minimum of insulation, be loaded into Space Shuttle orbiter cargo bays. Given the fact that they can be stacked like cordwood, and that the Shuttle can lift about 45,000 pounds to ISS orbit, many members can be carried skywards with each launch. If we assume an average weight of 300 pounds per congresscritter, that's 150 on each shuttle launch. Four launches would suffice to transport all of congress to the Space Station.

 

A fifth launch, carrying a solar-powered Ion drive (similar to the one on the NASA Deep Space 1 probe, only larger) plus reaction mass . Congress could be stacked in the Space Station, and the heating turned off to maintain them in cryogenic suspension. The space station crew would return to earth in that final shuttle after installing the ion drive.

 

Ion drives produce a small amount of thrust but for very long periods of time. Once the shuttle had undocked, the Ion drive would be switched on, increasing the station's velocity (and thus raising it's orbit) gradually. It would take about three weeks to riase the station orbit to beyond geyosynchronus altitude, and another week to raise it further, to 100,000 miles. That would be a very long orbit, about a week in length.

 

Once the Moon was in an ideal location in it's own orbit, approximately between the earth and the sun, the Ion drive would fire again, propelling the space station on a last loop around the earth, and then into a trans-lunar trajectory.

 

The moon would be used as a gravity handle, much in the same way that planetary flybys are used to provide a gravitational speed assist to deep space probes. however, in this case, the space station would pass low over the lunar mountains, coming within five miles of the surface, on the side of the moon which was facing in the direction of earth's orbital motion. In this case, the slingshot effect would propell the space station in the opposite direction of earth's orbital motion. The imparted velicity would be sufficient to completely null out the earth's 67,000 mph orbital velocity, bringing the space station to a comparative standstill relative to the sun.

 

Solar gravity at that distance is weak. The sun is over 300,000 times more massive than the earth, but it's about 94 million miles away. So, at earth's orbital altitude, the acceleration rate of solar gravity is only about .019 feet per second, or .0006 g. However, it is constant, and the space station would continue pick up speed with every passing second. Also, the closer it got to the sun, the greater the sun's gravitation pull on it would become.

 

The Space station, moving ever faster, would reach to sun's corona in about 65 days, and would be traveling at over 150,000 miles per hour.

This velocity is important, because the Space Station could not long remain intact in the sun's corona (outer atmosphere). Only it's enormous speed would get it to the sun's surface before the corona's heat could destroy it.

 

The sun is, amongst other things, rather hot. Around 11,000 degrees F at the photosphere (the visible surface). That temperature would be more than sufficient to very quickly thaw out the cryogenically suspended members of congress. Once thawed in this manner, they would be completely capable of doing some fact-finding with their normal level of competence.

 

This project would be expensive, but very worthwhile in so many ways. It would also have many side benefits, such as removing from Earth one of the primary causes of atmospheric heating; congressional bloviation.

 

So, whilst drunk, I had the sudden idea of redrafting that old e-mail, adding the general and the janitor,and making it into a story, and did so, while still drunk. Some of the above made it into the story, but I chopped a lot of the math and tech. The innuendo wasn't planned, it just.. happened. I blame the tequila. LoL

 

BTW, the title graphic was created from a NASA pic of the space station, to which I added the picture of the sun and the congressional seal.

 

:)

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kitten Novice Scribe

kitten

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Posted

A most entertaining and amusing read!

:)

Perhaps it will win a prize for the most double-entendres in a short short story?

 

It would be great if the space station be big enough for our Members of Parliament as well as your Congress!

 

Thanks, CJ!

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C James Master Scribe

C James

Posted
Posted
A wonderful use of tax money!

You should write everytime you get drunk. It's very entertaining!

 

Thanks!! Well, I haven't had any alcohol since i wrote that, but I will be going to a party on July 4th, and I'll be walking so I can drink. LoL.

 

Personally, I think it would be very illuminating for politicians to take part in such a mission. 0:)

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