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The Perks of Loving You

MikeL

By MikeL
in Stories Discussion Forum

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Andrew Q Gordon Master Scribe

Andrew Q Gordon

Posted
Posted

Am new to GA so I hope my comments are not out of line but here goes:

 

This is a great story - it is a fun read and you really did a nice job with 'back filling' things - i.e. David, the rift between Case and Luca, Case's relation with his mom etc - that is all first rate story telling.

 

You also do a very good job of keeping your character's in character. Some things didn't work for me at first - the posing contest in Luca's room but reading more and finding out Luca is/was in love with Case it all makes sense. Case is very full of himself and wouldn't bat an eye at showing off, Luca just wanted to get him naked or semi naked. So that is really impressive. Same with how you develop the Case/Chobey dynamic, at first you scratch your head at what is going on but then you see this is perfectly in keeping with how Case would be given his personality.

 

Your handling of Case after Luca tells Case he is in love with him - was really well done. You start with Case 'feeling' content [my word not yours] with being around Luca etc, especially in the tent, and you develop how he opens up emotionally to someone about David for the first time. So you lay a great foundation for him to receptive to the idea he likes Luca 'like that.' Then you avoid the stereotypical but unrealistic, 'let me prove how str8 I am' cliche which invariably leads to him having to come back begging to be taken back - as for example the Movie Shelter. So this is really great stuff.

 

 

Ok so not the not so positive comments:

 

Who is speaking? Often when you get into a back and forth with your characters it is hard to tell who is speaking. There should be a lot more identification of the speaker. Also use these interchanges to tell us what they are doing. How often do you have a back and forth with someone and you do nothing but talk? Give us details about their expressions, their movements and the area they are moving about, some of their feelings etc? Dialogue is a perfect venue for adding depth and detail to your story in a way that keeps the readers attention because they are trying to "hear' and "see" the conversation and it helps keep things more natural if you will.

 

Last some things seemed a tad too pat if you will. The shower scene together doesn't ring true - sexy, erotic, gratuitous, yes but if you are going for believability it is a bit far. Even with his 'damn the torpedo's' attitude, it is hard to imagine a str8 guy - and at this point in the book, Casey still believes he is str8 - would hop in the shower with someone he has NO inkling is gay or has the same attitude just to get to the post office. There were too many other options, like the lack, more deodorant, a wash cloth and water in the sink while Lucas showered, a dunk in the river. More so, I think it takes away from what is a REALLY good "reason" to "need" to be up close and personal - the rickety bed breaking. That was a great scene.

 

On balance this is great, you should look for an editor to work with on getting published. You have the talent for entertaining the reader.

 

Andy

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Andrew Q Gordon
Andrew Q Gordon

I'm guessing reverse psychology won't work either - eh? Like if we all said - oh well we didn't like it much anyway, he might be tricked into start posting again?   It was actually one of the firs

Camilo
Camilo

You know, male bonding. When I guy finds another guy and they bond Why else would a guy be on top of another, in their underwear, sleeping together?

Camilo
Camilo

Hehe, I'll be sure to tell that to my twinkle fairy

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Guest Thehomo69

Guest Thehomo69

Posted
Posted

I have been bugging the crap out of him since Christmas to finish and post it! :P

 

Is it working?
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Andrew Q Gordon Master Scribe

Andrew Q Gordon

Posted
Posted

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

 

I'm guessing reverse psychology won't work either - eh? Like if we all said - oh well we didn't like it much anyway, he might be tricked into start posting again?

 

It was actually one of the first stories I read - not the first but one of the first. At least he's going to finish it at some point, right??

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AnytaSunday Journeyman Scribe

AnytaSunday

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LOL--one of the first ones I read too! :P

 

Exactly this feeling of being suspended mid-story makes it hard for me to start 'in process' stories. hehe. I just get so involved in the characters and then feel sorta sad when I don't know how things end up.

 

:P This is one of those stories.

 

Hope it does get done.

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TetRefine Apprentice Scribe

TetRefine

Posted
Posted

I'm guessing reverse psychology won't work either - eh? Like if we all said - oh well we didn't like it much anyway, he might be tricked into start posting again?

 

It was actually one of the first stories I read - not the first but one of the first. At least he's going to finish it at some point, right??

 

 

I sure freakin' hope so. I mean, we're just getting to the good parts right? There is another chapter written, just not completely edited.

 

LOL--one of the first ones I read too! :P

 

Exactly this feeling of being suspended mid-story makes it hard for me to start 'in process' stories. hehe. I just get so involved in the characters and then feel sorta sad when I don't know how things end up.

 

:P This is one of those stories.

 

Hope it does get done.

 

 

So do I, but it will probably take a while. :(

 

**sulks**

 

All I can do is laugh when I see this cause I feel the same way.

 

I hope Cammy is gonna pay me for being his spokesman. Posted Image

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