Promiscuity leaves me cold & depressed?

[warrior]

I'm not sure if this is a valid topic, and seriously worth your (who ever is reading this) time. If it's not, then sorry for the rambles. I just wanted to share this, and that is all. Skip it or move onto another thread if it doesn't hold your interest.

 

Coming from a somewhat conservative society, culture and [mostly] family, things like homosexuality, premarital sex, promiscuity, one-night-stand(s), etc were few of the things that were made to be looked down upon. I grew up believing them to be 'immoral' acts, as we were taught. However, with time, and [thankfully] the internet, I came to see the world from a bigger perspective, and embraced things like premarital sex, homosexuality, sodomy etc (that was when I faced, actually faced my sexuality).

 

Yet, after coming such a long way, I still can't embrace promiscuity, randomly sleeping around with people, one night stands. I think it is my conservative bit, that holds me back, that doesn't let me go and explore the world. For me (and just for me - I don't intend to judge others for the way they chose to spend their lives) sex is very much a part of love, and I can't, by far, imagine myself having sex with someone I barely know, don't care to spend the rest of my life with. While I do not at all mind with premarital sex as long as it is done in the context of love, I feel very sad and even depressed when I see people sleeping around randomly, without even knowing the names of the person they have slept with (or worse - without even recognizing their faces a day later).

 

Currently I'm reading Dreams and Clipped Wings by ShadowGod, and as much as I'm loving the story and its depth, I can't fully digest the promiscuous nature of its protagonist (Cody), and everytime I read about him, I have an empty feeling in my chest.

 

Recently, our society had started to become more open. Many of my friends (or rather, class mates) have started becoming very promiscuous. A guy I know (not really a very good friend of mine) who used to be so shy during his school days is now having sex with strangers almost on a daily basis. I had been invited by my friends to take part and explore the world of sex before settling down with an ultimate one, but I flatly refused it, because something inside me was saying that promiscuity is not the token of happiness, but rather, love is (and I could be wrong there).

 

Now, my question is, why am I so *afraid* (in search of a better word) of promiscuous lifestyle? Why do I feel so sad for such people who willingly choses to explore the world of sex, even for fictional characters (as in the case of Cody)? My friends say that sex is a great thing, and enjoying it with different people (even if they happen to be stranger) is nothing wrong, and whoever thinks otherwise is 'abnormal'. So, are they correct?

 

P.S. No offense meant to anyone here. I seriously don't mean to put any of you down. Forgive me, if I came out as offensive - that honestly wasn't my intention.

Edited March 14, 2010 by warrior

[methodwriter85]

If it's not for you, it's not for you. By that same token, however, if someone isn't into the idea of settling down, it's not something for you to judge.

 

You don't have to be slutty if you don't want to. And I've met quite a few gay and lesbian people who are settled down into devoted relationships, who've built a life together and it works out fine.

[Drewbie]

If it's not for you, it's not for you. By that same token, however, if someone isn't into the idea of settling down, it's not something for you to judge.

 

You don't have to be slutty if you don't want to. And I've met quite a few gay and lesbian people who are settled down into devoted relationships, who've built a life together and it works out fine.

 

Exactly, one night stands aren't for me either, but I did experiment with a friend who I knew for a few years. and don't have to be married to be honest really and for some either for straight people, some just don't' get married.

[Tiger]

I'm not, nor will I ever be, promiscuous. As far as Cody from DnCW, he obviously has problems. Some (not all) people who are promiscuous have some kind of personal issues. They still are, however, responsible for their own actions. I'm not one to judge. This is just based on people I've known in my life who have led sexually promiscuous lives. They often seek sex much in the same way as a drug addict seeks drugs. They want to numb themselves. There are also people with commitment issues. Still others just really like sex a lot. Promiscuity is not something we should judge people for though UNLESS it interferes with their lives and the lives around them. If you're a mother of four young children and you neglect your kids while you've got lots of different partners coming in and out of your bedroom, there's a problem.

[JamesSavik]

Some people who have been burned over and over again would rather not know who they are f**king. They opt for sex without the drama, strings or consequences of having an openly gay relationship.

 

This is especially true of closeted individuals.

 

This can come about from being repeatedly punished or intimidated because or about the individuals sexuality.

 

In the United States we see a lot of this in people who were raised in fundamentalist or Mormon homes.

 

It leads to a great irony: openly gay people are very rarely part of the "gay" cruising scene.

[hh5]

I think its just important that one has some close friends in different or similar levels of connection. ie: Sports friends, reading friends, social friends, etc.

 

I have to admit - at times being alone isn't very healthy. Also being with people and still feeling being along isn't healthy either.

 

But still having someone that can hold you and listen to what you say and communicate does make life a bit better and returning the favor also helps to promote good relations. I guess its to ones choosing to how close one should be. No sex to Casual Sex to Full Sex. Understand that we human and we're bit animal. So communication is done in more than words but tactile and must be done with mutual understanding to never harm nor violate the trust.

 

Now if Promiscuity leads to unfaithfulness, less devotion, etc of the evils then what you say is very much warranted. But if its for your own excuse to being alone then I guess the excuse has gone too far.

 

Now if it leads to finding that life time partner or that true close friend(s) and then the search is done for awhile then there's no harm done.

 

Doing things that you're not ready for - or - rather too young to take on the responsibility should be avoided until you are.

[thatboyChase]

- does she have a problem with it? NO

[Graeme]

I remember chatting with a guy when I lived in the UK who claimed to have have slept with over 100 women. He was in his early twenties....

 

Promiscuity is not a 'gay' trait -- it's a human one, though it appears to be more prevalent in males than females (though it could be that the females are just more polite and don't boast about it ). Not everyone is promiscuous, but some are and for them it can be right. When people are doing it for the wrong reasons, though (like Cody in DnCW), then it moves into self-destructive behaviour.

[Tomas]

FWIW... there is nothing wrong with you and you're not abnormal and don't let anyone tell you different. What may be right for others, your friends and acquaintances, isn't necessarily going to be right for you. You, and only you, can decide what is right for you.

 

So many equate sex with love. I've known guys who, when they saw a new face in the bar, made it their goal to get that person in bed. It was like their only purpose in life was to add another notch on the headboard, as it were. When you got to know them, and talk with them one on one away from the crowd, they talked about how lonely they were and how they wished that they could find someone they could love and who would love them back. It was obvious that they were using sex to try and fill whatever empty spot they had inside of themselves. It was always the next one would be the one. Problem was, they never took the time to really get know the other person. After the newness wore off and sex was all that was left, there was nothing there to built a relationship on. Not all of them were that way, but enough.

 

In the long years since I really was free to act on being sexually active, I can count on two hands the number of people that I've had sex with. With each of those people it was in a loving, caring relationship. Granted that most didn't last forever, but while they did last they were loving relationships because we got to know one another first. Two were the most fulfilling. one was for 17 years and the other was for 20. Do I regret not jumping in bed with more people or with all that wanted to, that I turned down? No, not at all. My only regret is that the two people whom I spent a large part of my life with are no longer here. I do have some wonderful memories.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to get maudlin.

 

I think that you might enjoy reading "A Special Place" and the two follow up forks, "The Concord Five" and "The Oberlin Five" by Sequoyah.

LINK

 

Take Care and hang in there with your beliefs. You'll be happier for it

Edited March 15, 2010 by Tomas

[Steve3]

Wait! Wait! Wait!

 

Obviously Warrior, you have your own personal beliefs that I respect unconditionally. My intent here is certainly not to impugn those beliefs with that which follows.

 

Let's all understand that the word promiscuous has ONLY a subjectively-defined interpretation associated with it. Who is doing the defining? Who's passing judgement on those who seem to have a view that is not so possibly skewered by upbringing and/or the age of the day?

 

By the definition given here of being "promiscuous", I will have to admit that during my early gay life, I was very "bad".

 

Going to the bars 5 to 7 days a week, seeking a "trick" (today's term is "hook-up" I think) that MAYBE, MAYBE would turn into a relationship. This was the '70's, early '80's folks, pre-AIDS, -pre-diseases that will KILL you.

 

At that time, the reality was (as it is now) that Man is a sexual beast of the simplest order, not constrained by the "moral order" of any day. "GET OFF" was/is (still) the phrase of the day, in Gay life as well as Straight life:

 

"OMG, he's/she's f**kin gorgeous!!" "Will she put out?" or "Is he a top or a bottom?"

 

As gross as that may sound to some of the gay youngsters here today, it's an irrefutable truism of gay/straight lives of times long-ago, as well as today.

 

All I can say to you young folks here, respectfully of course, is that "you weren't there." That you "have no frame of reference, so how is it possible for you to accurately and fairly judge those for whom you deem "promiscuous"?

 

The fact is that you can't.

 

You have no empirical data to back up your claims, and have only sad but true information of the post-sexual-revolution, and AIDS-infested times for you to draw data from.

 

I won't judge anyone for being "disgusted" by anonymous sex. The fact is, since you've never or rarely had it, you can hardly be in a position to pass a valid and lucid judgement against it, unless of course, it comes from pre-conceived societal-imposed "moral" standards.

 

That's not an insult to you wonderful youngsters, it's just a fact to which the available data leads us.

 

Pre-AIDS, most gay boys I encountered were indeed promiscuous sluts (as defined in this thread). I would be willing to bet that when a sure-fire cure for AIDS is developed, I think the term "promiscuous gay man" will lose some of its negative potency.

 

Steve³

Edited March 15, 2010 by The_FNG (Steve3)

[Diva Jase]

I have never been able to sleep around freely either. It's not for everyone. I don't shun someone because they have multiple bed partners. THe only time this is an issue is if the guy I am with is sleeping around with others when we are supposed to be in a monogomous relationship.

 

I can honestly count on one hand how many partners i have been intimate with at 32 years old. But that's me, and I don't impune anyone else for not being able to.

[wildone]

I must say I'm shocked at some comments about people being promiscuous having something wrong or missing in there lives :0 . To follow that up by saying they are not being judgmental is another wow.

 

No, living a promiscuous life is not my cup of tea, and when I did have one or two one night stands, I was so nervous and scared I didn't enjoy it at all. I was too worried about the guy I was with than enjoying what we were doing.

 

I do have a few friends though that have no problems hooking up with someone different every weekend or weekday if they so choose. I don't think they have any 'issues' or 'problems' that drive them to have a promiscuous lifestyle. I think the chose it because they enjoy it. They are safe, they are educated, they are happy. Who am I to open a psychology textbook and tell them they are compensating for this or that???

 

Warrior obviously has thought this through well and has accepted the feelings that this would not be his lifestyle. I commend for that. It is nobody's business to tell him what to feel or how to feel.

 

Concerning Cody in DnCW, yes, he has issues that the author has laid out to us. So in his case he has a promiscuous lifestyle due to rejection and self esteem issues. I guess I'm not willing to make the leap that because Cody is like that that all people who like to sleep around have the same issues.

 

Go ahead, I'm ready to be chewed up and spit out .

[JamesSavik]

Oh come now. I don't need the force to sense BS.

 

No one here has ever slept with someone that they weren't in love with?

 

I don't freakin' think so.

 

How many shirts do you try on before you are satisfied with the fit?

 

You would select your lovers with less care?

[John Doe]

I regretted a few of my one night stands. Well most. There was one or two that I can say I enjoyed and did not feel horrible or bad. Now I am looking for someone serious, if I can ever find the person. I am picky and yeah a bit shallow (in the appearance department and demeanor) I admit but what can I say... I'm being honest. So I'm single at the moment and I can't really complain. Heh. But people who sleep around a bit... some of them just do. Most I believe are trying to fill a void in their life... in one shape or another. As humans we all do. Friends for family. Beliefs for values. Material items for feelings. Vice versa for all. So that doesn't make anyone any different. You can object but simply it's the honest truth... and there is nothing wrong with it. Unless of course the "invisible line" is crossed.

[shadowgod]

No I don't think you are abnormal warrior. In fact in some respects that's the way I feel about Cody as well, Hollow and sad. I think on some level were he real that's how he would feel about himself when he is lying in his bed alone. but the story answers that question as well.

 

Thanks for reading I should get my rear in gear and start posting it again.

 

Steve

[Y_B]

How sad that we live in a world where we are forced to make lust only infrequently, and with only 1 person at a time....and we even must learn the name of that person beforehand....*sigh.

 

Kidding.

 

Mostly

 

Here are my thoughts...There's nothing intrinsically wrong with living a conservative life of "promiscuous" abstinence nor with a life of sexual freedom. The frequency and total number of partners isn't what's important. The thing that matters is what one brings into the encounter and how much the person chooses to put in. (no pun). The amount of love a person has to offer and is willing to accept doesn't depreciate with time and with the number of sexual partners. In fact, it is possible to have a healthy sexual libido It is not as if one actively chose this over love, rather the person is choosing this in the meantime of finding love in place of a total void of intimacy. You would be hard pressed to find people who aren't looking for love, but people don't find that love on a snap of their fingers. In the time that is spend without this love, one has only two options; be alone or be with someone, however casual. To some people, engaging in casual sexual relations with a lotta people just feels good and sometimes its better than being alone and jerking off.

 

Another point. There is a time and place for everything. The younger we are, the more opportunities we have and the more things we can "get away" with that we wouldn't once we are adults. In my case, I'm a 20 year old college student going to a huge public university with tons of good looking, eager, horny kids. I would be crazy not to take advantage of my libido and have some fun while I am here. Am I looking for a relationship? Sure, but like I said, that doesn't just drop out of the sky on my demand and in the meantime, I'm meeting new people and making new friends while, as some people would call it, whoring myself across campus. I'm facebook friends with the good majority of people I have hooked up with, and it's a good feeling to know that I have friends of that caliber who I can enjoy a physical friendship with along with a regular friendship.

Edited March 26, 2010 by Yang Bang

[TetRefine]

I tend to agree with you Warrior. I think people who sleep around are trying to fill a void in their life or for some reason don't want to be close to someone. Personally, I could never picture myself sleeping around with tons of people and just having sex for the sake of getting off. It seems to me that once you gotten off, theres just a void and the pleasure ends there. You dont get to enjoy getting to know the person or growing to care for them. Its just a few minutes of pleasure and then it just ends.

 

Of course, I'm only intimate with one person and had never been with anyone before that. But to me, sleeping around seems pointless when you really look at it. Just my $0.02

[tyler]

Your so young - and of course - all of these things are swimming around your head - especially now - the world's changed so much, from when I was a teenager - (like a million year's ago!!) - I'm pretty sure what your "scared" or "cautious", of is something "Absolute" or "All encompassing" - or "Final"... Sexuality isn't like that for alot of people (especially in hindsight) - It changes - It's fluid - It twists and turns (hehe) - it's like a long river, that is always searching for the sea - a journey - people go through so many stages of sexuality through their lives and although their "essence" or "true selves" always remain the same... the times change... circumstances change....desire itself indeed...changes, morph's into realms that are not foreseeable - You sound like you have strong convictions and heart-felt values and thats great - go with that - follow that - it's there to guide you - and your not judging other's either - which is also a good thing - because it means that you know who you are. In many many years to come - I think you'll find yourself less perplexed about these "Issues"... Less interested in them...(I don't mean to sound condescending)

Hope I haven't over-stepped the mark

[Mark Arbour]

I'm not, nor will I ever be, promiscuous. As far as Cody from DnCW, he obviously has problems. Some (not all) people who are promiscuous have some kind of personal issues. They still are, however, responsible for their own actions. I'm not one to judge. This is just based on people I've known in my life who have led sexually promiscuous lives. They often seek sex much in the same way as a drug addict seeks drugs. They want to numb themselves. There are also people with commitment issues. Still others just really like sex a lot. Promiscuity is not something we should judge people for though UNLESS it interferes with their lives and the lives around them. If you're a mother of four young children and you neglect your kids while you've got lots of different partners coming in and out of your bedroom, there's a problem.

 

 

I tend to agree with you Warrior. I think people who sleep around are trying to fill a void in their life or for some reason don't want to be close to someone. Personally, I could never picture myself sleeping around with tons of people and just having sex for the sake of getting off. It seems to me that once you gotten off, theres just a void and the pleasure ends there. You dont get to enjoy getting to know the person or growing to care for them. Its just a few minutes of pleasure and then it just ends.

 

Of course, I'm only intimate with one person and had never been with anyone before that. But to me, sleeping around seems pointless when you really look at it. Just my $0.02

 

Some people are promiscuous. Some people aren't. I find it really irksome that the message here is that there's something "wrong" with people who are. How stunningly judgmental. And this theory that people who are promiscuous are trying to fill a void...where's that coming from? Are you talking about an emotional void, or a physical one (no Enric, he's not talking about being a bottom).

 

I really don't get why it would bother you that a fictional character was promiscuous. Or a real life person. Who are you to cop that kind of attitude? I don't get it.

[methodwriter85]

Word, Mark. There is nothing wrong with wanting to sleep around, as long as it makes the person happy and they do it in a safe way..

[Adam Phillips]

I screwed around a lot for about six years, from the time I was fourteen through about the time I was about 21. Mostly with women, although I had my fair share of men too. I'm 30 now and I've been binogamous since 21. I guess I got my wild oats sown early.

 

I didn't do it because I felt a void, though. I did it because I was horny and because I could.

 

I discovered as time went on that I wanted to focus. I guess that's the only way I can put it. I wanted to concentrate on being with a person, or a couple of persons, and going deeper and seeing what long-haul stuff felt like. I felt like I wanted that in my life. And I knew who I wanted it with.

 

I think everybody's mileage varies. My "external life" is very conventional. My intimate life is somewhat unconventional in terms of arithmetic and gender, but not really all that unconventional. I like where I am and have no desire to do any more sexual exploring. My life is occupied with other things. Spouse, kid, job, hobbies, side-job, side-relationship. But I have no regrets, no guilt or shame over the period where I was boning everything that was young, looked pretty, moved, and belonged to homo sapiens (not much anyway...I did use a couple of women, and I regret that somewhat), and don't believe that people who are hooking up a lot are compensating for some kind of deep existential void.

 

Personally, I think there's a Darwinian explanation for men's desires to spread the seed around. And if there is, it's off-base to try to dig for some deep "itch" in the soul to account for male promiscuity. I think we're wired for it.

 

--Adam

[gabrielsknife]

No, babe, you didn't come off as a hater. You're good on that

 

The debate over promiscuity is an ancient one. It is my belief (because I don't really feel like doing any hard research at the moment) that, in "olden times", peoples frowned upon promiscuity because it became difficult to tell who's blood line came from where. If Peasant Woman A mates with Peasant Man B, C, and D collectively, then Peasant Baby E's linage is in question. Who does Baby E inherit from? Who's responsible for the baby's care? And so on.

 

Now, not to say that promiscuity is new to our age. Oh, we had to learn it from somewhere, right? At present, experts speculate whether our evolutionary ancestors were monogamous or not. In the animal kingdom, monogamy has it's ups and downs. While it works for species like wolves and ravens, it does not work for horses, leopards and so on.

 

While, yes, humans are "evolved beings", we still have our wants, desires and instincts. It's well known that, if a man ain't getting what he wants at home, he'll probably try to find it somewhere else.

 

That being said, this road isn't for everyone. Some people who "sleep around" are hungry for something. That moment's worth of passion, the excitement, the thrill; think of it from their perspective. Some of these people are too busy to hunt down a "commitment man/woman". They're willing to look past Mr./Ms. Right for Mr/Ms Right Now, at least for the time being.

 

Other "thrill seekers" don't know what they want. When all pistons are firing and the mood is right, you'd be surprised just how easy it is for instinct and desire to gang up on a guy's self-control!

 

Now, to you, this might be wrong. And it's okay if it is. That's your choice and it'll lead you down your own road. Maybe, the more people you meet, your thoughts will change. Time and Experience are the greatest of teachers I've ever known. Just remember not to judge others for their personal choices and you'll be good .

 

As for the story you mentioned, why don't you go off to something else for a bit? If the topic bothers you, then no amount of good writing or clever character development is going to change that. I'm sure there's a whole load of stories out there, just as exciting and intense as the one you're reading, that are just begging to be read! :king:

[JamesSavik]

Go f**k or get f**ked whatever you are into.

 

What are you saving it for? Somebody special? HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH DUmb ass

[Tiger]

Not everyone is quite so cynical, James. I say anyone who wants to wait for someone special should. What's right for one person is hardly ever right for someone else. Just be yourself and don't worry what anyone else does.

[Y_B]

Not everyone is quite so cynical, James. I say anyone who wants to wait for someone special should. What's right for one person is hardly ever right for someone else. Just be yourself and don't worry what anyone else does.

 

He's prolly snickerin' as he's reading this.

 

Cynics tend to think the rest of the word are suckers and will ultimately end up just as miserable as them....just sayin'

Edited April 2, 2010 by Yang Bang