I think I need help...

[thephoenix]

I feel like I need to get this off my chest. Nobody is making me write this except for my own conscience - perhaps maybe I can get some insight on where to go from here. I have said some stupid and hurtful things in the past, in the real world and on this forum - especially on the  soapbox (not really sure what happened to that). I want to take this opportunity to apologize for all the stupid or hurtful things I have said and that I want to take full responsibility for that. I wish I could also apologize for any future offensive things I may say before one of my aggressive mood swings take me away again, but I can't really do that.

 

Maybe I can give a little insight on where I'm coming from. I'm a little over 28 years old. I have been in the closet for as long as I can remember. I don't know if I am not exhibiting any "gay stereotypes" or if they are so deeply repressed from over a decade of suppressing any behavior or feelings that I don't know who I am any more. I have been told that I've been late to mature. Maybe that's true. One of my acquaintances/friends (I don't know where to draw the line) says that I remind him of him younger brother.

 

In late August of 2011, I pulled a "phoenix act" which inspired my user name on here. In this "phoenix act" I had figuratively burned what I thought was my "old life" in Canada into ashes to begin anew in the United States. I may have escaped bad influences from bad ex-friends but technically I'm the same person.

 

There was a confrontation that turned ugly with someone I'll call John (not his real name). He had, in the past, both implicitly and explicitly made fun of gay people. Being in the closet, I felt like I couldn't confront him directly on the issue or else I might be outed. This went on for a while, with me bottling up my feelings that a totally petty situation turned out to be the "straw that broke the camel's back". I had lashed out, at him verbally, which turned a verbal confrontation into a physical confrontation that ended up with the cops being called. Though nobody was arrested due to lack of evidence, I was kicked from a certain program within a certain organization within my university. The person in charge of this organization interviewed me, "John", and several witnesses, yet still I felt like I could not bring up the "gay factor."

 

I'm still at school here, but I feel like my grades are starting to slip from a GPA that is currently 3.97. I have had intermittent mood swings that have brought me from despair and depression to hope and right back again. I don't really know what to do or where to go. It's gotten to the point when hearing the word "gay" or "homosexual" has made me cringe in hoping that they weren't referring to me. I don't know how I should handle something that has been repressed for over a decade. I guess I'm fearful of how I will react when people start finding out, and how their reactions will affect me.

 

I feel totally vulnerable putting myself out here like this...please be nice

Edited October 3, 2013 by thephoenix

[Zombie]

First you're not alone. This is the gay story for so many of us. We each have to go through the same stages in life - denial, self loathing, closet acceptance, coming out. Some of us sometimes get stuck at one of these stages. But there are people who can help - good friends you can trust [these are very few and to be treasured] and professional counselors [GP doctors, analysts/psychiatrists - you need to find a good one you can also trust].

 

Mood swings may indicate some underlying issue that may be helped by medication - bi-polar and so on. Your GPA grade drop says you need to take action. If it were me I'd probably see my GP and be completely honest. Doing nothing is not an option where your education - and therefore your future life chances - are at stake.

 

Good luck. I'm sure you can deal with this

[Daddydavek]

It's different for everyone and if you don't have anyone you can discuss this with it can be very difficult.   In my humble opinion, I think you need to find a trusted and professional counselor and start talking.  Your life is too important to let these internal conflicts bring you down.  From there perhaps you can begin to build a support network.  Even those who live in the closet and choose to stay there for whatever reason, have to have a support network of sorts.  Good luck and don't panic!

[Mark Arbour]

I feel like I need to get this off my chest. Nobody is making me write this except for my own conscience - perhaps maybe I can get some insight on where to go from here. I have said some stupid and hurtful things in the past, in the real world and on this forum - especially on the  soapbox (not really sure what happened to that). I want to take this opportunity to apologize for all the stupid or hurtful things I have said and that I want to take full responsibility for that. I wish I could also apologize for any future offensive things I may say before one of my aggressive mood swings take me away again, but I can't really do that.

 

Maybe I can give a little insight on where I'm coming from. I'm a little over 28 years old. I have been in the closet for as long as I can remember. I don't know if I am not exhibiting any "gay stereotypes" or if they are so deeply repressed from over a decade of suppressing any behavior or feelings that I don't know who I am any more. I have been told that I've been late to mature. Maybe that's true. One of my acquaintances/friends (I don't know where to draw the line) says that I remind him of him younger brother.

 

In late August of 2011, I pulled a "phoenix act" which inspired my user name on here. In this "phoenix act" I had figuratively burned what I thought was my "old life" in Canada into ashes to begin anew in the United States. I may have escaped bad influences from bad ex-friends but technically I'm the same person.

 

There was a confrontation that turned ugly with someone I'll call John (not his real name). He had, in the past, both implicitly and explicitly made fun of gay people. Being in the closet, I felt like I couldn't confront him directly on the issue or else I might be outed. This went on for a while, with me bottling up my feelings that a totally petty situation turned out to be the "straw that broke the camel's back". I had lashed out, at him verbally, which turned a verbal confrontation into a physical confrontation that ended up with the cops being called. Though nobody was arrested due to lack of evidence, I was kicked from a certain program within a certain organization within my university. The person in charge of this organization interviewed me, "John", and several witnesses, yet still I felt like I could not bring up the "gay factor."

 

I'm still at school here, but I feel like my grades are starting to slip from a GPA that is currently 3.97. I have had intermittent mood swings that have brought me from despair and depression to hope and right back again. I don't really know what to do or where to go. It's gotten to the point when hearing the word "gay" or "homosexual" has made me cringe in hoping that they weren't referring to me. I don't know how I should handle something that has been repressed for over a decade. I guess I'm fearful of how I will react when people start finding out, and how their reactions will affect me.

 

I feel totally vulnerable putting myself out here like this...please be nice

 

I don't know which US university you're at (and I'm not asking you which one), but unless you're at some freak school like Liberty they'll have a counseling program.  Take advantage of it.  Your problems are not unique, but they can be dangerous, especially when the depression turns into despair and then hopelessness. 

 

I spend most of my days on a campus that is pretty conservative, but even here, gay people are accepted well by their fellow students.  It's not as stigmatized as it was, and this younger generation is way more accepting.  I realize that doesn't help the feelings inside you, but it does make the world you may come out in safer for a guy like you. 

 

Another thing to consider is talking to a professor that you feel close to.  One that has been involved in the GLBT organization on campus, or makes gay-friendly observations in class, may be a start, but most will guide you to some resources.  If you have a mentor, that person can make a huge difference, and would most likely not be hostile to your homosexuality. 

 

Bottom line is that there is a lot less hostility, and a lot more support, especially on campus. The fact that you're a good student will matter (even though it shouldn't). 

Edited October 3, 2013 by Mark Arbour

[Ashi]

No, you're not alone on this, if that makes you feel better....  I think the world needs more tolerance, or some of us would be undergoing the same cycle again and again, and once you're older, you'll see younger people doing exactly the same thing you did.  It's not a particular pleasant feeling.

 

My grades slipped significantly when I was beginning to accept my own sexuality.  And that acceptance triggered a lot of situations not too different from your confrontation with your friend.  Sure, you accepted you are partly to blame but he is also to blame though you cannot change him.  So just take some time to readjust yourself and what your sexuality means to you.  I am still undergoing my metamorphosis, so to speak, and I believe lots of people here are also doing that.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be better.

 

If you were given a chance to start it over, how would you handle the John situation better?

[Cia]

I've experienced a lot of anger issues in my past. I had a bad childhood, I'm bi, and I grew up with a bigot as a father. As a teen I got sent to a court mandated anger management program instead of being charged with assault. As silly as that whole situation was, at the time it happened, I was furious and things happened that shouldn't. With age comes a lot more perspective though and I know better ways to control myself than screaming or striking out. The anger management class didn't make a dent on me back then but the threat of a record did sort of similar to your threat of your grades slipping. I didn't want to screw up my future.

 

I agree with a lot of the other comments made regarding finding some professional help, if only for the ability to be able to say whatever you need to say in a safe environment where you know it cannot be repeated and used to out you at any time. You sound like you have some issues beyond your sexuality as well, but just having that outlet might help both problems you're facing. Don't let the fear and anger win. Perhaps with help, you can find a way to take control of your actions, and reactions, because there will always be hatred to face. Reacting with violence doesn't change anyone's mind, not in real life. Good luck, dear.

[Aditus]

As I see it you are already on the way to get out of your situation, you took the first steps, you started to talk. This is a safe place, but it's not the only one. We can show you that you are not alone, how it feels when people understand you. I hope it encourages you enough to take the next step now and you will talk to a person/counselor/friend, who can support and help you. Good luck!

[thephoenix]

First you're not alone. This is the gay story for so many of us. We each have to go through the same stages in life - denial, self loathing, closet acceptance, coming out. Some of us sometimes get stuck at one of these stages. But there are people who can help - good friends you can trust [these are very few and to be treasured] and professional counselors [GP doctors, analysts/psychiatrists - you need to find a good one you can also trust].

 

Mood swings may indicate some underlying issue that may be helped by medication - bi-polar and so on. Your GPA grade drop says you need to take action. If it were me I'd probably see my GP and be completely honest. Doing nothing is not an option where your education - and therefore your future life chances - are at stake.

 

Good luck. I'm sure you can deal with this

 

Thank you for your words of support. I don't really have a main GP that I go to although my university campus has a health center. I hope I don't have to take medication ....i guess for fear of becoming dependent on it...

 

It's different for everyone and if you don't have anyone you can discuss this with it can be very difficult.   In my humble opinion, I think you need to find a trusted and professional counselor and start talking.  Your life is too important to let these internal conflicts bring you down.  From there perhaps you can begin to build a support network.  Even those who live in the closet and choose to stay there for whatever reason, have to have a support network of sorts.  Good luck and don't panic!

 

Thank you. I might be able to find a counselor somewhere...maybe the health center has some...

 

I don't know which US university you're at (and I'm not asking you which one), but unless you're at some freak school like Liberty they'll have a counseling program.  Take advantage of it.  Your problems are not unique, but they can be dangerous, especially when the depression turns into despair and then hopelessness. 

 

I spend most of my days on a campus that is pretty conservative, but even here, gay people are accepted well by their fellow students.  It's not as stigmatized as it was, and this younger generation is way more accepting.  I realize that doesn't help the feelings inside you, but it does make the world you may come out in safer for a guy like you. 

 

Another thing to consider is talking to a professor that you feel close to.  One that has been involved in the GLBT organization on campus, or makes gay-friendly observations in class, may be a start, but most will guide you to some resources.  If you have a mentor, that person can make a huge difference, and would most likely not be hostile to your homosexuality. 

 

Bottom line is that there is a lot less hostility, and a lot more support, especially on campus. The fact that you're a good student will matter (even though it shouldn't). 

 

Thank you - I would feel a little odd approaching my professors on this issue - maybe it's because I see them so often and their primary job is teaching. I'm aware of a LGBT organization on campus but I've always felt awkward approaching their office/booth where someone I know might see me approach them and then they might think that-.. and ...AAAH there goes my restless mind again...

 

No, you're not alone on this, if that makes you feel better....  I think the world needs more tolerance, or some of us would be undergoing the same cycle again and again, and once you're older, you'll see younger people doing exactly the same thing you did.  It's not a particular pleasant feeling.

 

My grades slipped significantly when I was beginning to accept my own sexuality.  And that acceptance triggered a lot of situations not too different from your confrontation with your friend.  Sure, you accepted you are partly to blame but he is also to blame though you cannot change him.  So just take some time to readjust yourself and what your sexuality means to you.  I am still undergoing my metamorphosis, so to speak, and I believe lots of people here are also doing that.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be better.

 

If you were given a chance to start it over, how would you handle the John situation better?

 

Oh man...you know how hindsight is 20/20? Well my mind doesn't shut up about it about what could've been, might've been. Maybe if the cops weren't called blah blah blah...oh dear. I'd like to say I would just walk away, but I guess it was my fault for bottling everything up like I did with all the stress from other things combined. But how do I not bottle things up - the whole coming out scenario just seems so freakin scary/stressful right now.

 

I've experienced a lot of anger issues in my past. I had a bad childhood, I'm bi, and I grew up with a bigot as a father. As a teen I got sent to a court mandated anger management program instead of being charged with assault. As silly as that whole situation was, at the time it happened, I was furious and things happened that shouldn't. With age comes a lot more perspective though and I know better ways to control myself than screaming or striking out. The anger management class didn't make a dent on me back then but the threat of a record did sort of similar to your threat of your grades slipping. I didn't want to screw up my future.

 

I agree with a lot of the other comments made regarding finding some professional help, if only for the ability to be able to say whatever you need to say in a safe environment where you know it cannot be repeated and used to out you at any time. You sound like you have some issues beyond your sexuality as well, but just having that outlet might help both problems you're facing. Don't let the fear and anger win. With help, you can find a way to take control of your actions, and reactions, because there will always be hatred to face. Reacting with violence doesn't change anyone's mind, not in real life. Good luck, dear.

 

Thank you. I hate to be part of the statistic of people who are currently uninsured - I just can't afford the $3000+ insurance on top of everything else. Maybe this Affordable Care thing might actually do me some good. I wonder if professional counseling is covered though.

 

As I see it you are already on the way to get out of your situation, you took the first steps, you started to talk. This is a safe place, but it's not the only one. We can show you that you are not alone, how it feels when people understand you. I hope it encourages you enough to take the next step now and you will talk to a person/counselor/friend, who can support and help you. Good luck!

 

Thank you. I wish I had the courage to take this head on. Right now I feel like i'm trying to climb Mount Everest when I haven't even summitted a hill.

Edited October 3, 2013 by thephoenix

[Ashi]

Oh man...you know how hindsight is 20/20? Well my mind doesn't shut up about it about what could've been, might've been. Maybe if the cops weren't called blah blah blah...oh dear. I'd like to say I would just walk away, but I guess it was my fault for bottling everything up like I did with all the stress from other things combined. But how do I not bottle things up - the whole coming out scenario just seems so freakin scary/stressful right now.

 

 

 

I am going to be very direct and let you know why I put that last punch line in there.  I wanted you to have a little moment of self-reflection.  It seems you've already done that without me.    So, let's move to the second step.  Inevitably there will be another John coming to you later in life, and if you figured everything out, the awkward situation can end with a smile.  Maybe the guy may even end up being your boyfriend....  LOL

 

For a smart guy like you (and me..., come on, I need some praise, too.  LOL), getting good grades is like everything to us (until we found our boyfriends, of course ).  Don't let it slip like I did.  I did this because I want your painful experience be as short as it can be, so you can go back to school without any emotional baggage to drag you down.  Go get all A's and no drama.  I quit one semester in school because in the middle of a pop quiz, I cried my eyes out and screwed up my quiz because I couldn't even complete it.  That's the biggest waste of my time, now I think of it.  Just a couple weeks into my long break, I wanted to go back to school badly, because school was my biggest distraction of life.  I loved school.  And getting good grades made me feel better.

 

Gay people aren't born better people.  We're better because we've gone through more.  You'll become a better person after this.  You're a phoenix, after all, right?

 

And another thing I want to point out, look how many people came to support you.  We are all behind you.  I know there are more people who care, but don't know what to say. 

 

Come out when you're ready.  Only you know your own schedule.  Yes it'll be scary....  Or maybe it won't be (my own coming out wasn't scary, a major anti-climax...  ).  Sometimes a fall is inevitable, but ideally we want it to fall gracefully.  So, take a tumble, or maybe a triple somersault, and keep your chin up when you land.

Edited October 3, 2013 by Ashi

[rustle]

Phoenix, thanks for saying something about this to somebody, even if we are disembodied electrons. Thank you for caring that much about yourself, and for trusting us. It's nice to see you here again.

 

A counselor was mentioned above. Good idea. If you don't know where to start, try the med clinic on campus. If you don't have one, does your town have 311 service, so you could ask about counseling available for little or no money? If not, try your local public library. Don't give up. While you're at the med clinic, ask about a checkup. See if you can likely rule out any medical issues.

 

Once you find a counselor, open up the floodgates. Don't hold anything back. There are some homophobic counselors, too, and you'll want to flush that out. If you cannot trust your counselor, find one you can trust. You've gotta trust somebody in your life. One successful, open relationship will do you a whole lot of good right now.

 

I talked to a counselor once, and mentioned my 20th anniversary with my guy, and she beamed at me, wished me a happy anniversary, and congratulated me. I mentioned him to another counselor, and received a very cool response. My medical doctor knows, too, in case that's ever a factor in diagnosis or treatment.

 

Some of us electrons are available if you ever want to talk to somebody else, too. Pick anybody above whose answers you liked. I'm here, lurking, an embarrassing amount of the time, if you want to PM me.

[Ron]

Pheonix, you have been given some great advice from those in your own age group and from those with the experience of age and they've all been understanding and comforting. This can be both good and bad. I could suggest a different tact: somebody needs to look you in the eyes - remind you that you self-identify as gay - give you a good shake- and tell you to get over yourself. Is this what you need? Because one part of me wants to offer comfort but the greater part wants to give you a quick sharp kick to the seat of your pants. I can tell you from experience that we all need this occasionally.

 

'...friendship is born out of time, experience, and the emotional connection that you feel toward another individual ' - this is quoted from the internet and is about as useful as can be in defining a friend. You say that technically you're the same person as when you left Canada and I believe you. As 'John' sounds very much like the people in Canada that you escaped from. Doesn't this sound like you are repeating yourself in the choice of people that you gravitate towards? Perhaps you need to slowly move away from this personality type. Move towards folks who's views are similar to what you would prefer instead of what you already know and are familiar with. You mentioned that you couldn't bring up the 'gay factor' when speaking to someone of authority. This is surprising unless you are attending a very conservative college. It would be unnecessary to identify as gay merely to defend yourself by stating 'John's' bigoted viewpoint caused an argument and the ensuing altercation. You must remind yourself, if you need the courage, that a person doesn't have to be gay to not like it when other people behave in a bigoted manner.

 

 

It is possible to live in the closet and still function in the world without repressing yourself. Denying yourself the freedom to express your views as an individual, with thoughts and feelings just like anyone else, without shouting to the world, "I'm Gay!", is possible, don't you think. None of us, I would guess that are 'out', walk around telling everyone we meet that we are gay. That would be inadvisable and unsafe no matter where you live. We live our lives walking, talking and breathing on a daily basis without the rest of the world wondering why we do so. You can do this, you can and no one needs to know your business while you do it.

 

 

So, cheer up - don't announce your sexual preference to the world - and live.

 

[wildone]

Hello Mr. Phoenix, long time no talk

 

I don't know what is good for you to be brutally honest. I can only share what was good for me.

 

I guess I knew I was gay but I, myself, didn't want to accept it. In University there were GSA's as well as an accepting culture. I thought about saying something but no I didn't. There wasn't a hope in hell that I was going to give ANYONE the idea to question if I was gay. This involved some things like knowing when the GSA ran their jeans day (a funny way of saying if you wore jeans on one particular day, you supported gay rights). Nope, I knew when it was and made sure to wear shorts the first year (in winter) and khakis the next. I never put myself in a position that either myself or anyone could question my sexuality.

 

Uni did not go good. After the second year and barely staying off of Academic Probation, I dropped out.

 

Still, I did not reveal to myself or anyone that I was gay.

 

I eventually reached the first step, which I hear you saying you are at, admitting that I am gay.

 

Since this is getting long I will tell you the next major step. I was in seeing a doctor and a nurse asked me if I was straight or gay. Suddenly something overcame me and I said I'm gay. The next thing I said was she was the first person I ever told. She said it didn't need to put it on the chart and said it was a big step in my life. It was, I walked out with about 400 lbs. off my shoulders.

 

The rest is a loooong story, but that was how it was for me. First admitting to myself, second telling a complete stranger that I still don't know why I did.

 

Like the others, counselors at your Uni are basing their career on keeping your confidence. What could it hurt to meet one, say you're gay and not ready to come out, and want to have a follow up meeting a week later to see if you want to talk about it?

 

Finally, are you still a Canadian Citizen? You might still have provincial healthcare even though you are out of the province, but going to school.

 

Stay in touch as I am hoping to see you come back and say you did this and that, and things are getting better

Edited October 4, 2013 by wildone

[thephoenix]

 

 

I am going to be very direct and let you know why I put that last punch line in there.  I wanted you to have a little moment of self-reflection.  It seems you've already done that without me.    So, let's move to the second step.  Inevitably there will be another John coming to you later in life, and if you figured everything out, the awkward situation can end with a smile.  Maybe the guy may even end up being your boyfriend....  LOL

 

For a smart guy like you (and me..., come on, I need some praise, too.  LOL), getting good grades is like everything to us (until we found our boyfriends, of course ).  Don't let it slip like I did.  I did this because I want your painful experience be as short as it can be, so you can go back to school without any emotional baggage to drag you down.  Go get all A's and no drama.  I quit one semester in school because in the middle of a pop quiz, I cried my eyes out and screwed up my quiz because I couldn't even complete it.  That's the biggest waste of my time, now I think of it.  Just a couple weeks into my long break, I wanted to go back to school badly, because school was my biggest distraction of life.  I loved school.  And getting good grades made me feel better.

 

Gay people aren't born better people.  We're better because we've gone through more.  You'll become a better person after this.  You're a phoenix, after all, right?

 

And another thing I want to point out, look how many people came to support you.  We are all behind you.  I know there are more people who care, but don't know what to say. 

 

Come out when you're ready.  Only you know your own schedule.  Yes it'll be scary....  Or maybe it won't be (my own coming out wasn't scary, a major anti-climax...  ).  Sometimes a fall is inevitable, but ideally we want it to fall gracefully.  So, take a tumble, or maybe a triple somersault, and keep your chin up when you land.

 

Hi Ashi, thanks for sharing your story. I'm sure you're a very smart guy

 

I realize what a stir I am creating on here and I am extremely grateful for all of your support during this time. Thank you all.

 

Phoenix, thanks for saying something about this to somebody, even if we are disembodied electrons. Thank you for caring that much about yourself, and for trusting us. It's nice to see you here again.

 

A counselor was mentioned above. Good idea. If you don't know where to start, try the med clinic on campus. If you don't have one, does your town have 311 service, so you could ask about counseling available for little or no money? If not, try your local public library. Don't give up. While you're at the med clinic, ask about a checkup. See if you can likely rule out any medical issues.

 

Once you find a counselor, open up the floodgates. Don't hold anything back. There are some homophobic counselors, too, and you'll want to flush that out. If you cannot trust your counselor, find one you can trust. You've gotta trust somebody in your life. One successful, open relationship will do you a whole lot of good right now.

 

I talked to a counselor once, and mentioned my 20th anniversary with my guy, and she beamed at me, wished me a happy anniversary, and congratulated me. I mentioned him to another counselor, and received a very cool response. My medical doctor knows, too, in case that's ever a factor in diagnosis or treatment.

 

Some of us electrons are available if you ever want to talk to somebody else, too. Pick anybody above whose answers you liked. I'm here, lurking, an embarrassing amount of the time, if you want to PM me.

 

Hi Rustle, thank you for your support and sharing your story. I guess I can only hope I don't encounter any homophobic counselors whenever I do find one. That would probably sent me sprinting back into the closet. I had a physical that was done last year for my flight training and no abnormalities were found other than a little bit of hearing loss in my left ear.

 

Pheonix, you have been given some great advice from those in your own age group and from those with the experience of age and they've all been understanding and comforting. This can be both good and bad. I could suggest a different tact: somebody needs to look you in the eyes - remind you that you self-identify as gay - give you a good shake- and tell you to get over yourself. Is this what you need? Because one part of me wants to offer comfort but the greater part wants to give you a quick sharp kick to the seat of your pants. I can tell you from experience that we all need this occasionally.

 

'...friendship is born out of time, experience, and the emotional connection that you feel toward another individual ' - this is quoted from the internet and is about as useful as can be in defining a friend. You say that technically you're the same person as when you left Canada and I believe you. As 'John' sounds very much like the people in Canada that you escaped from. Doesn't this sound like you are repeating yourself in the choice of people that you gravitate towards? Perhaps you need to slowly move away from this personality type. Move towards folks who's views are similar to what you would prefer instead of what you already know and are familiar with. You mentioned that you couldn't bring up the 'gay factor' when speaking to someone of authority. This is surprising unless you are attending a very conservative college. It would be unnecessary to identify as gay merely to defend yourself by stating 'John's' bigoted viewpoint caused an argument and the ensuing altercation. You must remind yourself, if you need the courage, that a person doesn't have to be gay to not like it when other people behave in a bigoted manner.

 

 

It is possible to live in the closet and still function in the world without repressing yourself. Denying yourself the freedom to express your views as an individual, with thoughts and feelings just like anyone else, without shouting to the world, "I'm Gay!", is possible, don't you think. None of us, I would guess that are 'out', walk around telling everyone we meet that we are gay. That would be inadvisable and unsafe no matter where you live. We live our lives walking, talking and breathing on a daily basis without the rest of the world wondering why we do so. You can do this, you can and no one needs to know your business while you do it.

 

 

So, cheer up - don't announce your sexual preference to the world - and live.

 

Hi Ron: I'm sorry - I don't really mean to say that I want to announce my sexual preference -- more like I don't want to have this self-doubt, self-examination and reexamination over and over. I guess when this is all over, I want to be able to live my true self. If I really don't have any or very few "gay stereotypes", so be it.

As for the person of authority, let's just say he is a rather high ranking and imposing guy.

 

Hello Mr. Phoenix, long time no talk

 

I don't know what is good for you to be brutally honest. I can only share what was good for me.

 

I guess I knew I was gay but I, myself, didn't want to accept it. In University there were GSA's as well as an accepting culture. I thought about saying something but no I didn't. There wasn't a hope in hell that I was going to give ANYONE the idea to question if I was gay. This involved some things like knowing when the GSA ran their jeans day (a funny way of saying if you wore jeans on one particular day, you supported gay rights). Nope, I knew when it was and made sure to wear shorts the first year (in winter) and khakis the next. I never put myself in a position that either myself or anyone could question my sexuality.

 

Uni did not go good. After the second year and barely staying off of Academic Probation, I dropped out.

 

Still, I did not reveal to myself or anyone that I was gay.

 

I eventually reached the first step, which I hear you saying you are at, admitting that I am gay.

 

Since this is getting long I will tell you the next major step. I was in seeing a doctor and a nurse asked me if I was straight or gay. Suddenly something overcame me and I said I'm gay. The next thing I said was she was the first person I ever told. She said it didn't need to put it on the chart and said it was a big step in my life. It was, I walked out with about 400 lbs. off my shoulders.

 

The rest is a loooong story, but that was how it was for me. First admitting to myself, second telling a complete stranger that I still don't know why I did.

 

Like the others, counselors at your Uni are basing their career on keeping your confidence. What could it hurt to meet one, say you're gay and not ready to come out, and want to have a follow up meeting a week later to see if you want to talk about it?

 

Finally, are you still a Canadian Citizen? You might still have provincial healthcare even though you are out of the province, but going to school.

 

Stay in touch as I am hoping to see you come back and say you did this and that, and things are getting better

 

Hi wildone thanks for sharing your experience with me. I still have Canadian citizenship as well as my American citizenship. I am using my American citizenship to obtain the domestic in-resident tuition rates so I don't think I can claim Canadian healthcare at the same time. This dual citizenship thing has been quite confusing but it certainly has its benefits.

 

To the GA community,   for putting up with me for so long and your support.

[thephoenix]

I'll probably post any updates on my blog here:

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/forums/blog/546-thephoenixs-blog/

 

My little corner of GA 

[Graeme]

I realize what a stir I am creating on here and I am extremely grateful for all of your support during this time. Thank you all.

 

...

To the GA community,   for putting up with me for so long and your support.

I haven't chimed in until now because I don't have the cultural knowledge required to help with your specific situation, and everyone else has covered the generics

 

However, I wanted to say that even though I've known I'm gay from at least the age of 15 (and probably a bit earlier than that), I didn't accept it until I was 40. The one single factor that allowed me to accept that I'm gay was the Internet. Without it, I'd probably still be a closeted and unhappy man. If the support available on the Internet has been available when I was your age, I would like to think I would have accepted myself a lot earlier. As it is, it wasn't until I was 40 that I truly became happy. Okay, I went through a few months of hell after coming out to my wife, but even people who haven't been told I'm gay commented about how much happier I was after that point. It was noticeable to everyone. As wildone said above, 400lb had been lifted from my shoulders.

 

So there's no need to apologise. Many of us have been through the things you're going through in one form or another, and we understand the importance of support. You don't need to thank us for it -- we offer it freely and happily because we want others to avoid the mistakes and problems that we encountered, and to share the things that worked for us.

 

[thephoenix]

I haven't chimed in until now because I don't have the cultural knowledge required to help with your specific situation, and everyone else has covered the generics

 

However, I wanted to say that even though I've known I'm gay from at least the age of 15 (and probably a bit earlier than that), I didn't accept it until I was 40. The one single factor that allowed me to accept that I'm gay was the Internet. Without it, I'd probably still be a closeted and unhappy man. If the support available on the Internet has been available when I was your age, I would like to think I would have accepted myself a lot earlier. As it is, it wasn't until I was 40 that I truly became happy. Okay, I went through a few months of hell after coming out to my wife, but even people who haven't been told I'm gay commented about how much happier I was after that point. It was noticeable to everyone. As wildone said above, 400lb had been lifted from my shoulders.

 

So there's no need to apologise. Many of us have been through the things you're going through in one form or another, and we understand the importance of support. You don't need to thank us for it -- we offer it freely and happily because we want others to avoid the mistakes and problems that we encountered, and to share the things that worked for us.

 

 

Thanks for sharing your experience - I want to congratulate you on truly becoming happy and free.

[obscene cupcake]

Join some other clubs. Maybe not the LGBTAlliance club, yet (or ever maybe. The one at my school was full of dicks. I'm straight but I found them to be very pretentious once the meeting was over and you talked to them. And the people at my school were very sex obsessed. Each club is different, and the people I went to an after party with were just a small fraction of the club though).

 

But just other social clubs. The tabletop club, the gaming club, the anime club (ours was called "Japanese Visual History"), the debate club. Make some friends both male and female. 

 

Calm down about your grades. As long as you keep turning in the majority of your homework and do every test you cannot possibly fail out. And if you get bad grades one semester don't freak out. 

 

Maybe tlak to a guidance counselor, but request one that specializes in "different" sexualities.

 

I'm really sorry dude It sounds like you aren't having a fun time. And college should be fun. 

 

sorry for any spelling mistakes it's 6am

I feel like I need to get this off my chest. Nobody is making me write this except for my own conscience - perhaps maybe I can get some insight on where to go from here. I have said some stupid and hurtful things in the past, in the real world and on this forum - especially on the  soapbox (not really sure what happened to that). I want to take this opportunity to apologize for all the stupid or hurtful things I have said and that I want to take full responsibility for that. I wish I could also apologize for any future offensive things I may say before one of my aggressive mood swings take me away again, but I can't really do that.

 

Maybe I can give a little insight on where I'm coming from. I'm a little over 28 years old. I have been in the closet for as long as I can remember. I don't know if I am not exhibiting any "gay stereotypes" or if they are so deeply repressed from over a decade of suppressing any behavior or feelings that I don't know who I am any more. I have been told that I've been late to mature. Maybe that's true. One of my acquaintances/friends (I don't know where to draw the line) says that I remind him of him younger brother.

 

In late August of 2011, I pulled a "phoenix act" which inspired my user name on here. In this "phoenix act" I had figuratively burned what I thought was my "old life" in Canada into ashes to begin anew in the United States. I may have escaped bad influences from bad ex-friends but technically I'm the same person.

 

There was a confrontation that turned ugly with someone I'll call John (not his real name). He had, in the past, both implicitly and explicitly made fun of gay people. Being in the closet, I felt like I couldn't confront him directly on the issue or else I might be outed. This went on for a while, with me bottling up my feelings that a totally petty situation turned out to be the "straw that broke the camel's back". I had lashed out, at him verbally, which turned a verbal confrontation into a physical confrontation that ended up with the cops being called. Though nobody was arrested due to lack of evidence, I was kicked from a certain program within a certain organization within my university. The person in charge of this organization interviewed me, "John", and several witnesses, yet still I felt like I could not bring up the "gay factor."

 

I'm still at school here, but I feel like my grades are starting to slip from a GPA that is currently 3.97. I have had intermittent mood swings that have brought me from despair and depression to hope and right back again. I don't really know what to do or where to go. It's gotten to the point when hearing the word "gay" or "homosexual" has made me cringe in hoping that they weren't referring to me. I don't know how I should handle something that has been repressed for over a decade. I guess I'm fearful of how I will react when people start finding out, and how their reactions will affect me.

 

I feel totally vulnerable putting myself out here like this...please be nice