*Sneak Peek* Sammy's Story

[Dodger]

This is a snippet of a new story based in wartime London that I plan to post in the spring. It's different from anything that I've tried before, so it would be interesting to get some feedback.

“I heard when they dug out Mrs Jones; she had no head,” said Sammy.

“Really?” I pulled a face but soon joined him laughing at the poor woman’s misfortune. It was how we coped at the time; we meant no harm. Mrs Jones was a nice lady; she was the green grocer’s wife and she knew my mum.  Their house had been hit the day before, killing her and her husband while they were in bed. It took several hours to dig them out of the rubble, and apparently, according to Sammy, she had been decapitated. I don’t know why we laughed, because it wasn’t funny, but I think that it helped us cope with the horrors that we were witnessing every day.

There was no room for sadness or compassion. Thousands were dying all around us; people that we knew. Neighbours, relatives, friends, old people, our mates from school, young children and even babies. The bombing was indiscriminate, and when someone we knew was killed, it was a case of rather them than us. We grew up very quickly that year and in more ways than one.

We were walking to his house. It was Sunday; my only day off from work, and I had skipped church to meet Sammy at the market.

“Where are you going later,” he said and when he turned his head, I caught that sparkle in his eye as it briefly met with mine. It was accompanied by a faint, but telling grin that warned me of his intentions and started a familiar butterflies in my stomach.

He lived about a mile from me, but the Germans, had recently cut the journey in half by bombing the milkman’s house at the end of his road. We lost our delivery, but gained a useful, if precarious short cut across a mound of rubble, timber, and broken glass that was once his home.

Most of his furniture of any worth had gone, either removed by his family or looters, but the rubble was still littered with personal items that were either too damaged to be of any use or that nobody wanted. The two story house had been reduced to one, and we threaded our way through the remains of what looked like his upstairs bedroom. Underneath, was the living room, where they had found his body, and to one side was the staircase. It was the only part of the house still standing and attached to a small broken section of wall. It looked funny, a staircase going to nowhere, but the stairs often survived along with the chimneys.

Please comment.

 

[Brayon]

I liked it. I think I would read a full story set to this.

My only point of criticism would be the last bit about the Milkman's house reads like it was a time skip. they went from the market, directly to the house. I know it's a sneak peak, but if you used the above in a full story, just wanted to point that out.

[Dodger]

Thank you @BHopper2 It was so cool of you to read and comment. This is something that I've working on for ages but I'm really not sure what reaction it will get on GA or if it even belongs on GA. You were right it was a time skip or two parts of the same chapter put together if you like. There was a lot of text in between those paragraphs that I removed. I need to find an editor first, so it's still early days. 

[mogwhy]

interesting. i would at least give it a try to see if i would like the whole. wart-time stories are my usual but i do give them a try. 2 things in this snippet, it "flows" and "moves" better than others i've read of yours. and i'm unsure of the ages of these boys. at 1st i was thinking about 7-8. i think you should continue

[Dodger]

44 minutes ago, mogwhy said:

interesting. i would at least give it a try to see if i would like the whole. wart-time stories are my usual but i do give them a try. 2 things in this snippet, it "flows" and "moves" better than others i've read of yours. and i'm unsure of the ages of these boys. at 1st i was thinking about 7-8. i think you should continue

Thanks moggy. This is a lot different from other stories that I've posted here. It's not a particularly long story but it has taken me a long time to write and it still needs editing, so it's still a way off yet. The boys are actually sixteen in this part of the story and have just started work, but it's difficult to know this from the relatively small amount of text that I have posted here. It's not really a story about kids or teenagers; this is just a flashback. Thank you for your interest, it's very helpful to get peoples opinions.

[FormerMember4]

4 hours ago, Dodger said:

Thank you @BHopper2 It was so cool of you to read and comment. This is something that I've working on for ages but I'm really not sure what reaction it will get on GA or if it even belongs on GA. You were right it was a time skip or two parts of the same chapter put together if you like. There was a lot of text in between those paragraphs that I removed. I need to find an editor first, so it's still early days. 

Kudos for stepping into new territory. It peaks my interest. I connect to your honest style of writing D. I certainly look forward to it my friend.

[Mikiesboy]

On 1/22/2018 at 12:39 PM, Dodger said:

. This is something that I've working on for ages but I'm really not sure what reaction it will get on GA or if it even belongs on GA.

Not sure why you think it shouldn't be posted on GA. Please post it on GA, because this is Gay Authors, not Gay Authors who can only write about horny 45 year old teenagers and the angst they cannot get over so write about it over and over and over again.  It is a site for Gay Authors.. you're one.. please post it. 

[Timothy M.]

I hadn't seen this before, but I like the concept. Young Adult war time stories in London/England is a fairly familiar subject to me, but many of them focus on the kids being sent into the country (Narnia anyone?). It would be interesting to follow two youngsters who stayed in the city. Good luck with writing (and researching) and I look forward to reading.

[VampireMystic]

On 1/22/2018 at 11:39 AM, Dodger said:

Thank you @BHopper2 It was so cool of you to read and comment. This is something that I've working on for ages but I'm really not sure what reaction it will get on GA or if it even belongs on GA. You were right it was a time skip or two parts of the same chapter put together if you like. There was a lot of text in between those paragraphs that I removed. I need to find an editor first, so it's still early days. 

 

On 2/15/2018 at 8:49 AM, Mikiesboy said:

Not sure why you think it shouldn't be posted on GA. Please post it on GA, because this is Gay Authors, not Gay Authors who can only write about horny 45 year old teenagers and the angst they cannot get over so write about it over and over and over again.  It is a site for Gay Authors.. you're one.. please post it. 

 

 I was going to make the same point.  Post away!

 

Around the beginning, there's two bits where you say something one way and then say the same thing another way. Or so it seems. 

On 1/22/2018 at 1:35 AM, Dodger said:

It was how we coped at the time; we meant no harm

And then later around  I don't know why we laughed it wasn't funny.  (I'm having issues with text selection on my phone)

 

On the second read it didn't stick out as much and I couldn't find the second one. 

 

Indiscriminate was a more advanced vocabulary word than fit with my initial impression of the narrator's age. The seven or eight mentioned in another comment sounds about like what I pictured. 

 

I took " we grew up a lot in that year, in more ways than one" to indicate a Time Skip and mentally inserted a couple returns. White space can emphasize a shift in a story even if the transition isn't strongly defined. At least it works for me, LOL

 

And then I might have added enough years for them to be teenagers but obviously that wouldn't fit with "war time London." 

 

 I haven't read anything else by you, but I do agree that it flowed well.

 

You've given me a very positive first impression. Bravo

Edited February 21, 2018 by VampireMystic
Spotted an error, Google voice typing put left instead of laughed and I missed it, ouch.

[Dodger]

32 minutes ago, VampireMystic said:

You've given me a very positive first impression. Bravo

Thank you @VampireMystic This is exactly the type of feedback that I was looking for. It is raw at the moment and I want to have it completely finished and edited before posting. This has been very demanding and time consuming and I've had to do a lot of research too so it's encouraging to get so many positive responses.

[VampireMystic]

@Dodger you're welcome. It was great!  You made it pretty difficult to find things that needed Improvement.