Jack Frost Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I haven't read it yet, James...but no worries, I haven't forgotten and I will still hold onto my promise.
Site Administrator Graeme Posted November 29, 2006 Site Administrator Posted November 29, 2006 I'll admit up front that I have a headache and so I'm probably not in the best frame of mind. I have to say I was disappointed with the chapter. Everything in it was as I expected -- there were no real surprises. Even the parents' reactions had been well and truly foreshadowed in the previous chapters. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed what the guys did to Eric, and how it's all working out, but it almost fell TOO perfectly into place. I don't believe you could've done much differently because everything fitted with what the previous chapters had reported -- Eric still having most of the money, how the parents first asked what Eric had done now, and then how well they handled the news about Chris. All of it had been indicated strongly in the previous chapters. So, purely from a plot point of view, the chapter didn't move things along. Even from a character development point of view we only got to see a little more of Steve's Dad, and Steve had reported most of it in his chat with Chris earlier. It was a fun read (damn headache for spoiling that to a degree), but that's all. I'm hoping the later chapters have some new things in it. From what has been said previously, I expect they will (since Steve's friends that were mention at the start of the story haven't made an appearance yet). I'm not asking for diabolical plot twists, but simply something that wasn't strongly predicated by what's been read so far. Sorry, CJ. This is more a bridging chapter between one strong climax (Eric's blackmail and then table-turning in chapter 3) and whatever you have coming up next. That's fine -- bridging chapters are often needed -- but it could've done with less foreshadowing in the previous chapters, that's all.
DarkShadow Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Chapter 4 is up, and the title is "Necktie Party". Please let me know what you think, good or bad. :pickaxe: I sent you an email but I didn't say how much I really enjoyed this chapter. Revenge is SWEET! This time it was served with duct tape and rope! I loved it Goat! Several satisfied snickers snuck out when I read this. Necktie Party! It still makes me chuckle thinking about it. So... is there another chapter in our future... say.. Tuesday? Or maybe late on Tuesday? Or possibly on Tuesday? I'm kind of curious to see what that little rat bastard is going to do when he gets back to school! If I were the father, I'd be half tempted to ground the demon seed from daylight! Thank you for the great story! --- As for what Graeme posted, I've sent you some changes to consider(just minor grammar crap), but overall I was glad to have the breather. If you had left me with another giant cliff hanger I probably would have been teetering on too much frustration. That is just me though. I do see Graeme's point though. I finished reading the chapter thinking... (there is another chapter right? or is this the end?) Anyway, I can't wait to read more! Take care!
Site Administrator Graeme Posted November 29, 2006 Site Administrator Posted November 29, 2006 There's one more thing that struck me last night but I wasn't in a fit state to post. I was first surprised that Eric had the recorder on him, but then I realised that since he had successfully blackmailed Chris with it, it might be useful for doing the same to others (especially at school). So, having it on him made sense. HOWEVER, if that's the case, then he would've been using it a fair amount over the five+ weeks since that first recording. That means that the tape in the record is unlikely to have the blackmail conversation with Chris. I noticed that the recording wasn't played! I'm not sure what he can do about it, but it's possible that Eric still has that recording hidden somewhere. Just idle speculation, and if a certain goat tries to comment about it, then.... well, he knows my opinion about spoilers :mace: (closest thing to evil spines I could find).
C James Posted November 29, 2006 Author Posted November 29, 2006 I'll admit up front that I have a headache and so I'm probably not in the best frame of mind.Unless you developed the headache while reading the chapter, I hear by, now and forever, deny any responsibility for said headache. Seriously though, i hope you feel better soon. I have to say I was disappointed with the chapter. Everything in it was as I expected -- there were no real surprises. Even the parents' reactions had been well and truly foreshadowed in the previous chapters. Hmmmm... You expected the mother to react to the news of her son and Chris becoming boyfriends by sending them to Chris' apartment, implying that they would have sex, and be accepting enough to tease her son about it? What did I do in prior chapters that would indicate that she had that open an attitude? Gay accepting, yes, but sexually permissive? Granted, you do have a good point: there was a great deal of "wrapping up" here, and this is were where I intended to answer some of the questions that the prior chapters raised. I don't believe you could've done much differently because everything fitted with what the previous chapters had reported -- Eric still having most of the money, how the parents first asked what Eric had done now, and then how well they handled the news about Chris. All of it had been indicated strongly in the previous chapters. So, purely from a plot point of view, the chapter didn't move things along. Even from a character development point of view we only got to see a little more of Steve's Dad, and Steve had reported most of it in his chat with Chris earlier. It was a fun read (damn headache for spoiling that to a degree), but that's all. I'm hoping the later chapters have some new things in it. From what has been said previously, I expect they will (since Steve's friends that were mention at the start of the story haven't made an appearance yet). I'm not asking for diabolical plot twists, but simply something that wasn't strongly predicated by what's been read so far. Steve's freinds play a major role soon, but aside from that, I can't really say much (your spines, again!) There will be new arcs to the story, some beginning very soon. This isn't a one-issue-at-a-time story. :ranger: I sent you an email but I didn't say how much I really enjoyed this chapter. Revenge is SWEET! This time it was served with duct tape and rope! I loved it Goat! Thanks!!!! The "peace at last" line was my favorite of the chapter. Several satisfied snickers snuck out when I read this. Necktie Party! It still makes me chuckle thinking about it.So... is there another chapter in our future... say.. Tuesday? Or maybe late on Tuesday? Or possibly on Tuesday? I'm kind of curious to see what that little rat bastard is going to do when he gets back to school! If I were the father, I'd be half tempted to ground the demon seed from daylight! Well, now you know why I was vauge in chapter 3 regarding Steve's plans. So, did anyone think they were going to hang him? The chapter title, "necktie party", kind of hinted at that. Rat bastard?!?! Demon seed?!?!?!? Hmmm, Poor misunderstood Eric. I'm sure he's going to have a nice heart-to-heart chat with his folks, be made to understand the error of his ways, and will be a perfect angel from now on, and keep his mouth shut at school. I'm still undecided on whether there will be another chapter or not. All I can say for sure is that it will be online this coming Tuesday. Or maybe Tuesday... There's one more thing that struck me last night but I wasn't in a fit state to post. I was first surprised that Eric had the recorder on him, but then I realised that since he had successfully blackmailed Chris with it, it might be useful for doing the same to others (especially at school). So, having it on him made sense. Could sweet, innocent Eric do such a thing? HOWEVER, if that's the case, then he would've been using it a fair amount over the five+ weeks since that first recording. That means that the tape in the record is unlikely to have the blackmail conversation with Chris. I noticed that the recording wasn't played! I'm not sure what he can do about it, but it's possible that Eric still has that recording hidden somewhere. Graeme, there is no actual tape: it's a digital recorder. Take a look at this for an idea of the type. That one in the link has eight hours of recording capability, plus the ability to port into a computer via the USB port. I'll give one spoiler: Either the recorder is now gone from the story, or it isn't. Just idle speculation, and if a certain goat tries to comment about it, then.... well, he knows my opinion about spoilers :mace: (closest thing to evil spines I could find). What? Me, comment? I never comment! ( lurker here, remember!). So put those evil spines away!!
shadowgod Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Unless you developed the headache while reading the chapter, I hear by, now and forever, deny any responsibility for said headache. Seriously though, i hope you feel better soon. I will state now.. I had absolutely nothing to do with said headache... I agree with greame though, if this had been the last chapter it would have been wrapped up in too pretty a bow. Then again, the ending of the chapter would have me screaming a string of words that are better left unsaid steve
C James Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 I will state now.. I had absolutely nothing to do with said headache... Oh no you don't! We all know it was your fault, because everything is! Graeme, blame Shdowgod, he did it!!! I agree with greame though, if this had been the last chapter it would have been wrapped up in too pretty a bow. Then again, the ending of the chapter would have me screaming a string of words that are better left unsaid steve Why? Wouldn't it have made a perfect ending?
shadowgod Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Oh no you don't! We all know it was your fault, because everything is! Graeme, blame Shdowgod, he did it!!! Why? Wouldn't it have made a perfect ending? Aye... perfectly evil...
C James Posted December 1, 2006 Author Posted December 1, 2006 Aye... perfectly evil... Who? Me? It would have been a perfect ending... I loved this chapter. There wasn
C James Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 Today is Tuesday!! Yes, it is, and should remain so for the rest of the day (even though some people on the weird side of the datline will argue the point). And what happens on Tuesdays? Hmmm.. There was something I was supposed to do, but I forget what... Oh, yeah, Chapter 5 is up.
Site Administrator Graeme Posted December 5, 2006 Site Administrator Posted December 5, 2006 At least you didn't end it with a cliffhanger... (and yes, that's sarcasm) Nicely done, with everything a logical consequence of preceding events, except for ONE thing. If they knew where he'd holed up for the night, why did someone send them reinforcements? At the very least, send them some shoes There's one minor formatting glitch you might want to fix. Steve looked at me for a second, then cracked up, "Well, Chris, Guess what? Now that you are officially part of the family and all, that makes Eric your brother, too." That line break shouldn't be there. Well done, CJ!
captainrick Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Today is Tuesday!! Yes, it is, and should remain so for the rest of the day (even though some people on the weird side of the datline will argue the point). And what happens on Tuesdays? Hmmm.. There was something I was supposed to do, but I forget what... Oh, yeah, Chapter 5 is up. Hey, what the hell does an Echidna know about time anyway? Really, an egg-laying mammal with spines that sucks bugs outta rotted logs. Sounds like a biology experiment that went horribly wrong. I loved this Chapter!!! Best yet! BUT . . . How dare you leave me in such a cliffhanger. You're evil! I would never do such a thing I hope they beat the crap outta Eric WHEN they catch him! This kid needs to be taught a serious lesson. Oh, and I believe this is post no. 98. Didn't I say I was saving #100 for something? Hugs, Y'all Rick PS, you may wanna go back and change the topic thingy on the thread to mention Chapt 5!
DarkShadow Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Today is Tuesday!! Yes, it is, and should remain so for the rest of the day (even though some people on the weird side of the datline will argue the point). And what happens on Tuesdays? Hmmm.. There was something I was supposed to do, but I forget what... Oh, yeah, Chapter 5 is up. You are so evil Goat! This keeps up and the boys are going to start walking funny! As if I didn't want Eric's head on a stick already. Great chapter and can't wait to read the next! Though as Graeme has said, I do think you went a little 'McGyver' on us with the make shift shoes, but I suppose a lot of the blood hadn't returned to their brains yet, depending on how 'evil' you are going to be, may not any time in the near future! Very nice stuff Goat! Can't wait to read more!
C James Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 At least you didn't end it with a cliffhanger... (and yes, that's sarcasm) What? Me? Use a cliffhanger? Would I do such a thing, especially with you heading off on computerless vacation next week? Besides, maybe Steve was just admiring the stars? Nicely done, with everything a logical consequence of preceding events, except for ONE thing. If they knew where he'd holed up for the night, why did someone send them reinforcements? At the very least, send them some shoes OOPS! I botched that, and should have explained it in the story. The police cars in Piedmont are cars, not SUV's, and so couldn't reach Eric's location. Same in Lonesome Valley (their town). At best, they might be able to make it to where Steve and Chris are, maybe, and it is one heck of a rough drive. Also, Eric has the advantage of the high ground he is on: he can see for miles from where he is, and would see the headlights of anyone coming to Chris and Steve, or towards his location, and probably bug out. Eric also has several different (As mentioned, Dozens) of trails to choose from, so cornering him wouldn't be possible. I suppose a Helicopter would be an option, but a small town Sheriff's department wouldn't have one, and trying to get one from the nearest big city would be very difficult for a fairly minor situation such as car theft. Normally, a small town Sheriff's department in Arizona has several SUV's, but I kind of cheated and made it so they didn't, and thus wouldn't have the option of trying to converge on him. Also, if they did send several units, that would be the entire police force from the two towns, leaving the towns themselves unprotected. Usually, they won't do that without darn good reason, and a kid joyriding wouldn't be good enough. Steve's father would be an option, but I should have had them mention the problem of being spotted in the story instead of just ignoring it. Thanks! There's one minor formatting glitch you might want to fix.That line break shouldn't be there. Well done, CJ! WHAT? Oh no, I'm going to have to go into paranoid defensive mode and claim that it was intentional, for dramatic reasons!! Seriously though, thanks, and it is fixed! The line break isn't there in the original document, but the capitalized "Guess" sure was, and should not have been. Oops! Thank you Graeme!
Site Administrator Graeme Posted December 5, 2006 Site Administrator Posted December 5, 2006 What? Me? Use a cliffhanger? Would I do such a thing, especially with you heading off on computerless vacation next week? Besides, maybe Steve was just admiring the stars? Honestly, I don't consider it much of cliffhanger. Something is about to happen, but it could range from pleasant to unpleasant, from serious to trivial. There's not enough there to built up much tension. Now if you'd added something like: Steve pointed to the sky. I looked up to see a revolving set of colored lights slowly descending on our position. My mind went to mush as I wondered if I was about to star in an episode of The X Files Then THAT would be a cliffhanger.
C James Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 You are so evil Goat! This keeps up and the boys are going to start walking funny! As if I didn't want Eric's head on a stick already. Great chapter and can't wait to read the next! What? You really didnt think they were going to get to have sex, did you? Besides, who knows what Steve's last exclamation meant? Maybe he had just noticed the stars, and wanted to point them out to Chris? A favorite constellation perhaps? Though as Graeme has said, I do think you went a little 'McGyver' on us with the make shift shoes, but I suppose a lot of the blood hadn't returned to their brains yet, depending on how 'evil' you are going to be, may not any time in the near future! Very nice stuff Goat! Can't wait to read more! Trust me on this: when you are stuck in the wilderness without shoes, and are faced with a long walk, you get VERY creative. I was dumb enough to go offroading while barefoot once in college, and got stuck (Broke a leaf spring). The duct tape and carpet is an obvious trick in that situation, and the one I used. Makes pretty decent foot protection, actually, even after a few miles. I did, however, thereafter equip my 4x4 with a pair of shoes in the emergency kit. These days, I carry a large emergency kit in my vehicle, including five gallons of water, plus clothes, shoes, camping gear, first aid kit, and tools. I also carry a mountain bike; makes it much easier when you get stuck 20 miles from anywhere: a 20 mile bike ride isn't hard. a 20 mile hike can be (and I've had to do both). Cell phones are of very limited use in most off-pavement areas around here, so they cannot be counted on. You also can't just call a tow truck if you break down on a trail; they can't get there, and couldn't get your vehicle out even if they did. It usually has to be fixed on-site. I carry a decent selection of parts in my emergency kit, but if something major goes, I usually have to get the part, get a ride back to the vehicle, and fix it myself. As for the blood not having returned to their brains, quite possible! LoL! But, this chapter was entitled "interruptus", after all.
C James Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 What? Me? Use a cliffhanger? Would I do such a thing, especially with you heading off on computerless vacation next week? Besides, maybe Steve was just admiring the stars? Honestly, I don't consider it much of cliffhanger. Something is about to happen, but it could range from pleasant to unpleasant, from serious to trivial. There's not enough there to built up much tension. Now if you'd added something like: Steve pointed to the sky. I looked up to see a revolving set of colored lights slowly descending on our position. My mind went to mush as I wondered if I was about to star in an episode of The X Files Then THAT would be a cliffhanger. ACK!!!!!!!!!!! OK, OK, who leaked the beginning of chapter 6 to the Echidna?!?!!?!?? EMOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shdowgod!!!!!!! OK, who balbbed? Well, maybe Eric is on the hilltop so he can wait for the UFO his people have sent? And maybe the ATM withdrawla was to he could chip in for gas money (it might be a long trip to his home planet?)?
old bob Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Hey CJames. It's much better to read all the 5 chapters at one "blow". It's worthwile to wait, because you can follow (and appreciate) the structure of the story. You are a rational type, you are writing with your brain and not with your feeling.. For me it's a compliment . Your story is more a thriller that a love story. I'm sure the fact that the father is a cop play a large part in the story. Well done, I like it very much. Take care and astonish us Old bob
C James Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 Hey, what the hell does an Echidna know about time anyway? Really, an egg-laying mammal with spines that sucks bugs outta rotted logs. Sounds like a biology experiment that went horribly wrong. I loved this Chapter!!! Best yet! BUT . . . How dare you leave me in such a cliffhanger. You're evil! I would never do such a thing I hope they beat the crap outta Eric WHEN they catch him! This kid needs to be taught a serious lesson. Oh, and I believe this is post no. 98. Didn't I say I was saving #100 for something? Hugs, Y'all Rick PS, you may wanna go back and change the topic thingy on the thread to mention Chapt 5! Thanks Rick! Yep, I agree, those Echidnas have this weird thing about insisting that it is Wednesday when it is really Tuesday. Incomprehensible, they are! Oh yeah, YOU would never leave us with a cliffie! :wacko: As for Eric, well, I'll leave y'all with one spoiler: he either gets away, or he doesn't. Thanks Rick! BTW, I'm cross-posting a lot, so my replies are appearing out of order. Sorry for any confusion!
C James Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 Hey CJames.It's much better to read all the 5 chapters at one "blow". It's worthwile to wait, because you can follow (and appreciate) the structure of the story. You are a rational type, you are writing with your brain and not with your feeling.. For me it's a compliment . Your story is more a thriller that a love story. I'm sure the fact that the father is a cop play a large part in the story. Well done, I like it very much. Take care and astonish us Old bob Hi Bob! Thank you!!! I'm delighted to hear that, as I had no idea how it would appear to someone who wasn't reading it in weekly installments! The story is basically a thriller with a comedic undertone in places, but serious in others, and also a love story. That is a strange mix, but I'm a strange Goat. As for Steve's father being a cop, yep, but I can't say what due to giving spoilers spoilers.
Jack Scribe Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Interruptus...but certainly not coitus. Hey, CJ. Another cliffhanger. I'm enjoying the pace of the story...it is indeed taking shape as a thriller. Kee-rist, are these guys ever going to get laid? Good job! Look forward to daybreak. Jack
C James Posted December 6, 2006 Author Posted December 6, 2006 Interruptus...but certainly not coitus. Hey, CJ. Another cliffhanger. I'm enjoying the pace of the story...it is indeed taking shape as a thriller. Kee-rist, are these guys ever going to get laid? Laid? Hmmm... I don't know... Maybe I should have them keep getting interupted for the rest of the story, and rename it "Blue Spheres"? Good job! Look forward to daybreak.Jack Thank you Jack!!! BTW, a question for everyone: This was my first attempt at writing a car chase scene. Did it read ok? Anything that I could have done differently to improve it?
Xiao_Chun Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 OMG! What a thriller and what a chase. Eric has gone completely mad. What is he planning to do? Even if his plan works and he takes some of the money out, what on earth is he planning to do next? :wacko: :wacko: :wacko: I loved Steve
C James Posted December 7, 2006 Author Posted December 7, 2006 OMG! What a thriller and what a chase. Eric has gone completely mad. What is he planning to do? Even if his plan works and he takes some of the money out, what on earth is he planning to do next? :wacko: :wacko: :wacko: Thank you Michael!!! I've never tried to write a car chase before, so I was rather uneasy about it. As for Eric, well, I can't say very much without giving out spoilers... So, I really can't say much of, well, anything. Hmmm, I can say that he likly has a plan, though. I loved Steve
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