Flux - 3. Chapter 3

June 6, 2002

Escorial, CA

I woke up and stretched out, and felt some residual amounts of Wade’s cum leak out of my ass. The first time we’d made love, I’d penetrated him. I had thought briefly about using a condom, but I’d been safe in the past. Using a condom had become part of my routine, so it was strange, but pleasant not to put one on. Wade was the only guy I barebacked, or let bareback me, because I knew that even if he was drunk, he wouldn’t let me fuck him if he’d been unsafe, and he knew the same thing about me. After that first round, he’d fucked me. Having his load leaking out of me was a reminder of that trust, that bond between us. And he’d admitted that he loved me, and we’d agreed to be friends who fucked. I was euphoric, so happy to be in a stable yet intimate place with him.

I was mildly disappointed that he wasn’t in bed, but he was an early riser, and he probably got up to take a shower to try and get rid of his hangover. I got up and went into the bathroom and found it empty, but with signs that he’d already completed his morning routine. I followed suit, cleaning myself up while enjoying the blast of warm water on my body. I got out of the shower and put on some of Wade’s deodorant, brushed my teeth using Wade’s toothbrush, then put on my shorts and tracked down my flip-flops. My shirt was pretty rank, so I borrowed one of Wade’s. He wore a smaller size than I did, but he had a few T-shirts that were a bit large on him, and kept them neatly segregated from the others.

I had just finished getting ready when he came in. He looked like he’d been out riding, which was odd, since he’d showered first. “Good morning!” I said cheerfully.

“Good morning?” he challenged. “I woke up this morning, in bed with you, with cum leaking out of my ass. What the fuck is good about it?” I stared at him, momentarily stunned by how pissed off he was, and by the meaning of his words.

“You got laid,” I said, trying to maintain my positive mood, and transform his bad one to match mine. “That’s a good thing.”

“No, it’s not. I got barebacked. Fuck!”

“You don’t remember last night?” I asked him calmly, even though I was freaking out inside. I was trying not to totally break down on the outside, even as on the inside my world was starting to fall apart around me. Again.

He glared at me, and then got suspicious, and curious. “Not much of it.” Only he wasn’t really in a mood to talk about this; he was in a mood to just be pissed about it.

“Ask Will,” I said dismissively, determined to avoid him until he calmed down. “Maybe he can fill in the pieces for you.” I made to leave but he stopped me.

“I’m asking you,” he said forcefully. “And since when are you talking to Will?”

“Since last night,” I said.

“So what happened?” There was no way I believed that he had no memory of last night. He was acting clueless, and I didn’t know why, but I sure as fuck wasn’t going to put up with his mind games.

I looked at him, and just shook my head. “You know what, just forget the whole thing.”

“You barebacked me?” he challenged.

“I did. And you fucked me too. But I’m safe, and I knew that you were, otherwise you would have said something,” I told him.

“Dude, you fucked me without a condom when I was too drunk to know better,” he said, making it sound like I was some sexual predator. I was beginning to wish I’d have let the creepy dude make the moves on him; he’d be a whole different kind of upset if that had happened.

But his words finally worked through to my brain, and after I processed them, I got pretty angry myself. I stared at him, and felt myself almost exploding inside, exploding in anger at him for ruining what was such an important thing to me. He actually had the nerve to step toward me, getting in my face, and that triggered a big response from me. I pushed him backward, a violent move that knocked him back onto the bed. I got some satisfaction in knowing how much that would bother him, since the bed was totally messed up from our sexcapade last night. “You told me that you loved me, I told you that I loved you, then you asked me to make love to you, and I did. I didn’t use a condom because you didn’t ask me to, and I assumed you didn’t ask me to because that meant that you trusted me.”

I watched him digest that, and balance all the crap he was thinking about: the relative anger he felt, the guilt he felt, the love he felt, and the disgust he felt at having sex residue on his clothes. “I didn’t mean to lead you on,” he said coldly.

“You weren’t leading me on, you were being honest, and we both know it,” I said. “You can feed me that bullshit, but I know you too damn well for it to work. I know exactly how drunk you were, and I know that you were telling me the truth.”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t being truthful, I said I didn’t remember,” he said.

Now it was my turn to get close to him, about a foot away. “You told me that you lied to me when you said you didn’t love me anymore. You said that part of you would always love me. So which is it?”

He put his head in his hands, probably because he had a throbbing headache. “Matt…” he began.

“It’s a simple question,” I said. “I’m just asking you to tell me which thing you told me is true.”

“We can’t be a couple,” he said emphatically.

“You were really clear about that last night,” I said, barely managing to keep from sounding bitter. “I get it.” This time, I had to hide that I wasn’t being entirely honest about that. “We worked it out that we were two people who loved each other, who were friends with benefits.”

“That’s not going to work,” he said, shaking his head. “We have too much history to just settle for that.”

“That’s the problem, Wade. You’ve forgotten everything that was good about us.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” he challenged.

I sighed. We weren’t getting anywhere; this arguing was just making things worse. “You know what Wade, just do your thing, do what you want to do, and forget about me. If that makes you happy, then do it,” I said. “Just do me one favor.”

“What?”

“Take some time when you’re alone, and it’s peaceful, and go back in your mind and think about us. Don’t think about the shit we went through these last nine months, think about the good times.”

“I remember them,” he said dismissively.

“Do you? Do you remember when you told me that you loved me for the first time? Do you remember going to the Daily to do our interview when you first came out? Do you remember New Year’s in Malibu? Do you?” He looked away from me, but I grabbed his chin gently and made him stare into my eyes. “Do you remember?”

He smiled slightly. “I remember.”

“I remember too. I remember so vividly it fucking haunts me. I’ve been trying so hard to work back to a place, a stable place, where I could still keep you in my life. I have missed you so fucking much, it hurts, it really fucking hurts. Can you honestly say that you don’t miss having me around at all?”

“I’ve been doing fine,” he said.

“Can you just answer a goddamn question honestly!” I demanded, starting to lose it with his bullshit evasive answers. “Don’t you think I at least deserve that?”

“You think you have the right to demand anything from me?” he shot back.

“Yes, I do. I think I have the right to demand that you give me honest answers to reasonable questions. Question one: do you miss me?” He glared at me, but I smiled and tilted my head, and while that could have annoyed him, it just made him grin a bit.

“Slightly,” he said grudgingly, and then grinned reluctantly.

I reached out and put my hands on his lower back, pulling him to me. I was stunned that he let me, even more stunned that he let me kiss him, and totally shocked that he kissed me back. I felt our anger fading, and when it was gone, I ended the kiss. “I get that you don’t want to be a couple, but I thought we worked things out last night and got to a good place. I woke up this morning on top of the world, thinking that you would still be a big part of my life.”

“I’m not sure that us having sex was such a good idea,” he said.

“Do you really think that I would hurt you? Do you think that if I hadn’t been safe, I would have barebacked you?”

“No,” he said, relenting. “I trust you. It just freaked me out.”

“What we did last night was beautiful, it was fucking beautiful.” He looked down, or tried to, but I let go of his back long enough to pull his chin up again and force him to look at me again. He smiled shyly at me. “The sex was OK, but it wasn’t the best part.”

“What the fuck?” he asked, pretending to be mad. “I’m a good piece of ass.”

“I didn’t say you weren’t.”

“Alright, what was the best part?”

“When you lay on my chest like you did that first night we were together, and we fit together just as perfectly last night as we did then.” I paused to kiss him, a quick but meaningful kiss. “That was the night after I got my concussion, the night that I never wanted to end. Last night was the same way.”

“You may be right. That may be the best part,” he said. “But I still don’t think it was a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“Because we need to move on. It just pulls us together,” he said.

“Wade, do you really want me to be completely out of your life?”

“No,” he said, as if mad that he had to concede the point. “But that doesn’t mean we have to have sex.”

“Two more questions,” I said. He just stared at me, telling me to go on. “You make it sound like you don’t like having sex with me. And you know, last night, you seemed to enjoy yourself a lot.”

“I told you I don’t remember last night.”

“Then let me remind you,” I said, and leaned in to nuzzle his neck.

“What’s your question?” he asked, pushing me away, because I knew how to turn him on, and it was working.

“Do you or do you not want to have sex with me?” I raised my eyebrow.

“Maybe,” he said. I tilted my head. “Alright. Yes, I like it when we fuck. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“That’s exactly what I wanted to hear,” I said. “I like it too.”

“Duh,” he said, making me chuckle. “What’s your other question?”

“Do you love me?”

He sighed, because he thought he’d dodged that one earlier. “I’m not at a place in my life where I can afford to love you.”

“Dude, that’s not an answer, that just raises a whole new question.”

“Well you’re out of them,” he said.

“Then answer the important one.”

He looked at me, those beautiful blue eyes of his boring into my soul. “Yes.” One word, one word that meant so much. I was smiling so broadly now, there was no way I could stop.

“Prove it,” I demanded.

“What?”

“Last night you begged me to make love to you. I mean, you were so desperate it was almost pathetic,” I joked.

“Asshole,” he said, and tried to push me away, but I held him tight.

“So now, sober, I want you to do it again,” I said.

“I’m moving back east,” he said, killing my romantic mood. “I’ll be in Boston for three years, and it may end up being five.” I was tempted to ask him about that, but I’d find out the details later. “I don’t need, I can’t handle a long distance relationship. I don’t think that we’re good for each other right now, and I don’t think we’re good for each other over the long term.”

“I think that we’re good for each other, whether it’s today, tomorrow, or yesterday,” I said. “I think we’re perfect for each other. But I get what you’re saying about the distance, and about us being a couple.”

“So what happens, how are you going to handle things when I start dating someone else?” he asked.

“Goddammit,” I said, but a little bit playfully. “Can we just fuck, and you can kill my buzz later?”

“We can do that,” he said. I kissed him again, but didn’t stop like I had, and the passion built up so fast it seemed to surprise both of us. We frantically stripped off our clothes, and tossed a blanket over the nasty sheets. I made him lie on his back, and I explored his body with my mouth. I didn’t miss anything, from his neck, to his armpits, to his nipples, to his sexy treasure trail, that led to his groin, that area that gave me so much pleasure. I had him so inflamed he was almost incoherent, with his hard cock pulsing, begging for attention and relief.

I got on top of him, pinning him down, pinning his arms above his head, because he liked to be dominated sometimes. He struggled because that made it hotter, but I kept him pinned, even as I lubed up his dick and lowered myself down onto him. “Fuck yeah,” I said, as I began to pivot up and down. “You feel so good.” He whimpered, and moaned, and then finally when he came, he yelled and shouted. Then I sat back on his deflating dick and jacked myself off, blasting my load all over his chest. “Good?”

“You were right. I like to have sex with you,” he said, making both of us laugh.

I got up, feeling empty as he slid out of me, then held out my hand and led him back into the shower. We were getting dressed when I decided to mess with him. “So I saved you big time last night.”

“I was doing fine,” he said.

“Dude, you were seconds away from a creepy dude experience, and you puked your guts out near Kennedy Grove.”

“Oh.”

“Some dude was feeding you shots at the A-Ho house, and I almost had to kick his ass to get you out of his clutches,” I said. “So you owe me.”

He gave me an irritated look. “Alright. What do you want?”

“I want to study with you.”

“What?” he asked, really surprised. “Dude, that is so boring. I was thinking you had some kinky thing you were going to try.”

“What kind of kinky things do you want to try?” I asked him as I raised my eyebrows seductively. I tried to kiss him again but he pushed me away.

“Studying?”

“You help me focus,” I said. “I need to do well. If I do what you do, I’ll do well.” Wade wasn’t much fun during this time of year, because he was stressed and intense, but I knew from experience that if I let him set the pace, I’d kick ass on my finals.

“Where are we going to study?” He was nervous because he liked to study here at Escorial, where it was peaceful, and I wasn’t exactly the most welcome person around here. But I was determined to change that.

“Here,” I said. “I have to go get my stuff and move back today.”

“You’re moving back here?” he asked.

“Yeah. I thought about things last night, and decided that I belong here. I still have to talk to JP, but I think he’ll be OK with it.”

“I’m sure he will be,” he said.

“Are you OK with it?” I asked.

“It’s not my house,” he countered.

“I didn’t ask your permission,” I said, “I asked how you felt about it.”

He sighed. “I want you around, but I’m nervous. In a couple of weeks, I have to start planning my move to Boston, and that’s when we go our separate ways.”

It was pretty depressing that he was so focused on getting away from me. “It would be nice if we could just enjoy this time then.”

“I worry that I’m leading you on, and then you’ll be really hurt when I leave,” he said.

I was getting tired of being a pathetic piece of shit, and even more tired of him thinking I was a pathetic piece of shit. “I have to move on too. I can take care of myself.”

“So when are you going to get all your shit?” he asked, changing the subject, since he figured out that I was starting to get pretty frustrated.

“Right after I have some breakfast.”

“You need some help?”

“No. I got it covered.” I’d actually left a lot of my things up here. I’d only taken enough stuff to fill up the back of the GMC, so I should be able to handle the return trip.

“You’ll need help getting things organized,” he said.

“No thanks. I already have help with that too.”

“Who’s helping you?” he asked, and I could almost read his mind, where he was worried it was Tony.

“Will.”

“Will is helping you?” he asked. “Did you fuck him last night too?”

“He tried. Threw himself at me,” I said. It was hysterical to see how pissed off that made Wade, enough that he actually let me see it. I told him about my whole conversation with Will.

“I’m glad you worked things out with him,” he said sincerely.

“It’s a start,” I said. I had some more work to do there, but the tough part, getting Will to forgive me and engage with me, was done.

June 6, 2002

Escorial, CA

I walked toward the kitchen, anxious to eat a quick breakfast and get into the office, when I was re-routed to avoid the Great Hall. There was plastic hanging over the entrance from the ceiling to the floor, creating a sealed membrane behind which I could see and hear people working. I should have just walked by, but I was curious about the progress, and I was wondering if Ben was in the room. I hadn’t had a chance to talk to him since I’d been such a prick to him, but there was something about him that stuck in my mind. It was like he’d cast this spell on me, so that at random times during the day, I’d think of him.

I went around to the side entrance and walked in confidently, but as soon as I entered the Great Hall, I froze. There was dust everywhere as they sanded the floors, and all of the people were wearing masks. I had just turned to leave when I felt something land on my shoulder. I looked over to see a big glop of nasty shit on top of my jacket, and growled to myself for my idiocy in coming in here and ruining yet another suit. There was a thump on the floor, as if someone had jumped off a ladder, and I found myself facing Ben. He pulled off his mask. “You can’t be here without protection.” He grabbed my arm in a gentle but firm way and escorted me out of there. Only when we were outside the room did he notice my shoulder. “Fuck.” He brushed the crap off, but the damage was done.

“It’s OK,” I said resignedly. “It was my fault. I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

“I had to run Will out of here about fifteen minutes ago,” he said, smiling and shaking his head. “But I didn’t ruin any of his clothes.”

“You’re a handsome man,” I noted, as if I were summarizing that for a report. “He has an incentive to hang around you.”

“Is that why you stopped by?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

I frowned at him, because I didn’t like being compared to a crazed adolescent, even when the crazed adolescent was my son. “I was just curious about your progress.”

He grinned at me, all but taunting me for being busted checking him out. When I didn’t smile back, he just shook his head and got more serious. “Come back at the end of the day and I’ll show you what we’ve gotten done. In the meantime, stay out of here. It’s not healthy for you to inhale this shit.”

“Alright,” I agreed. “Have to go change clothes.”

“You aren’t going to like me if you ruin an expensive suit every time you see me,” he said. He had such an easy manner, and just being around him was like a balm, calming me down and easing some of the pain I struggled with, pain from 9-11.

He made to put on his mask and go back into the Great Hall, but I stopped him. “I really feel bad about the way I treated you last week,” I said, which was true, but it was only a prelude to my real motive.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said dismissively.

“Well I do; it bothers me. I want to make it up to you. I thought maybe I could take you out to dinner,” I said. I was trying to sound confident, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t coming off like that.

“You don’t have to do that,” he insisted.

“I want to,” I said.

“Is this like a date?” he asked. I felt my face heating up as I blushed, and that really irritated me, especially when he shot me that gorgeous lopsided grin of his.

“It’s dinner. Most people eat it,” I said. “So when are you free?”

“Pretty much every weeknight, but I’m usually tired. I’m better on the weekends,” he said.

“You have plans Saturday?” I asked. He hesitated, which meant that he probably did. “Friday night or Sunday will probably work too.”

“You don’t have a very busy schedule,” he teased.

“Or maybe I do, and I’m willing to free it up to take you out,” I said, getting some game back. Finally.

“Saturday works. What should I wear?” I avoided saying ‘nothing’, and silently gave myself kudos for restraining my inappropriate humor.

“You have a suit?” I asked.

“I did,” he said, then laughed.

“What’s so funny?”

“I spilled solvent on it and ruined it,” he said, making me laugh too.

“Alright, here’s the plan. We leave here on Saturday at 10am.”

“So I should block out the whole day?”

“If you can,” I said.

“I can,” he said, and gave me his lopsided grin. What was it with me and guys with cute smiles? He turned and went back into the Great Hall, while I wandered back to my room to change clothes, trying not to let the image of Robbie’s cute grin dominate my mind.

I got up to the kitchen and found Stef and JP sitting there, both of them reading papers of some kind. They’d clearly already finished eating. “Good morning,” I said, and sat down to help myself to some food.

“Good morning,” Stef said. JP was too wrapped up in his article to say anything, but that wasn’t unusual. Before we could chat about anything, Will came in, looking relatively somber.

“Good morning,” I said to him cheerfully, hoping to bring him out of his bad mood.

“Morning,” he said, and then his eyes brightened. “What are you doing this weekend?”

“I have plans on Saturday,” I said. “Why?”

“Oh,” he said, disappointed. “I was thinking of going surfing.”

“I thought Zach was coming back this weekend?” Stef asked.

“He’s staying in Concord until Sunday,” Will said, trying to pretend like that didn’t really piss him off. “There’s some dance he has to take Kelsey to.” Kelsey was the girl Zach had been dating.

“I thought they were just friends,” I said, then stuffed some food into my mouth.

“He tells me they’re just friends, but she posts shit about him on Live Journal that makes it seem like they’re freaking married,” Will said. “It is what it is.”

“So what are you doing on Saturday?” Stef asked.

“I’m going to take Ben Carter out to dinner,” I said. Stef and Will giggled, while JP put down his article and looked at me. “Oh, so now you pay attention?” I taunted him.

“I pay attention to everything,” JP said dryly, making Stef giggle more.

“You’re going out with Ben on Saturday for the whole day?” Will asked.

I shrugged. “He said his last suit was destroyed by solvent, so I thought I’d be a nice guy and take him out to get a new one. Then he can wear it when we go out to dinner,” I said.

“I’ll help you with the shopping,” Will offered, but he was just giving me crap to see if I was into this guy.

“No thanks. He’s already creeped out by the way you constantly stalk him,” I said.

“He said that?” Will asked, freaking out.

“No,” I said simply. JP smiled, Stef chuckled, and Will gave me a dour look. Before I could enjoy the fruits of successfully messing with Will, Wade walked in the room, followed by Matt. None of us had seen Matt for quite a while, and even though I’d resolved to be nice to him, I hadn’t gone out of my way to track him down.

“Morning!” Matt said cheerfully. JP, Stef, and I stared at him and Wade, shocked by his demeanor, and by Wade’s cheerful greeting as well. It would be easy to deduce they’d been together last night, both from the fact that Matt appeared in the morning and that they were both in such happy moods.

Matt patted Will on the back, prompting Will to say “Morning” back to him, along with a smile. Stef and I looked at each other with raised eyebrows, wondering if we’d warped into another dimension, while even JP seemed surprised.

“I’m wondering if it would be alright if I moved back up here today,” Matt said to JP.

JP gave Matt his gentle smile, the one that he used to convey satisfaction. “That would be wonderful. You are always welcome here, though. You do not have to ask.”

“See,” Will said to Matt in a smarmy way.

Matt ignored him and focused on JP. “Thanks. I was going to get my stuff and haul it back here this morning.”

“What time do you think you’ll be back?” Will asked.

“Probably around noon,” Matt said.

“Cool. I’ll be around to help you,” he said.

“Awesome,” Matt replied. The rest of us just sat there absolutely stunned. Up until now, since he found out Matt had slept with Tony, Will had refused to even have a conversation with Matt. Now suddenly Will was helping Matt move back in? I shook off my introspections to make sure Matt knew he was welcomed by me as well.

“It will be good to have you around,” I told him. “It hasn’t been the same without you here.”

“Thanks,” he said, locking his familiar violet-blue eyes onto mine to accentuate his words. Those eyes of his were just like Robbie’s; so much that it was a brief but painful reminder that Robbie was gone.

“You have some mail here,” JP said. “I was going to call you and deliver it to you on campus, but you have saved me the trouble.” He got up and left the room, then returned with several envelopes.

“Thanks, JP!” Matt said. He flipped through the letters, frowning. “Mostly junk.”

“Not that one,” Wade said, pointing at a letter from the University of Chicago.

“That’s probably junk too,” Matt said, even as he started to open it. “They already rejected me.”

“They did not reject you,” JP corrected, “they just did not select you in their first round of choices.”

“Or their second,” Matt grumbled as he opened the letter. He read it, and a huge smile erupted on his face. “Looks like the third time is a charm!”

“You got in?” Wade asked, smiling at him.

“I got in!” Matt said.

“Congratulations are in order,” JP said with a smile. “We’ll have a nice dinner tonight to celebrate.”

I glanced at Stef, who gave me a quick look that told me to keep my mouth shut. Stef was an alum of the University of Chicago, the premier finance school in the country. Its professors had generated some of the most important research in the financial world, including the efficient market hypothesis and the modern portfolio theory. Getting admitted into their MBA program was not easy. Or at least it wasn’t easy unless you had a famous alum, one of the richest men in the world who also happened to be a generous donor, banging down doors for you. “If you decide to move to Chicago, we must help you find a place to stay,” Stef said, to distract our attention away from that. “We have the condo near Northwestern. That is an option.”

“I’ll have to think about it,” Matt said. He held the letter in his hand like it was suddenly toxic.