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Flux - 22. Chapter 22
July 3, 2002
Claremont, OH
Brad
“Dad?” Will asked, as he knocked on the door. I’d taken a break from the reception and come up here to the ancient bathroom to freshen up a bit. That was the problem with using this place for family events. The bathrooms and the kitchen were hopelessly out of date. “We’re ready for you.”
“Thanks,” I said. I walked out with him and paused, putting my arm around him. “How are you doing?”
“Fantastic,” he said. “Zach just got here.”
“Why did it take so long?” I figured he’d be here as soon as we arrived.
“He had to have an argument with his parents about it first,” he said, and didn’t even bother to hide how annoyed he was. Wally and Clara had been so obnoxious when Will and JP had gone over there for dinner; I’d decided not to invite them tonight. This was my event, primarily for me and my sons, so I gave myself that luxury, opting not to put up with any of their drama.
“This is a family event. I thought those were approved?” Zach’s advisor was pretty much regulating when and how they could spend time together.
“They weren’t convinced,” he said. “Which is bullshit. They just don’t like me.”
“You said that you were supposed to be the bad guy and that if he wanted to be with you, he’d have to fight to do it,” I said, then smiled. “So you can’t be pissed off when your plan is working.”
He laughed. “Good point.”
I walked down the stairs with Will, into the massive dining room; but even as big as it was, it was packed with people. JP and Stef; Claire, Jack, Marie, and John; Darius and JJ; Tiffany, Matt and Wade; Zach, Gathan, and Kristen; Nick and Linda; Frank and Isidore; and Cody were all sitting around the table waiting for me. Only Ace, Cass, and Courtney were absent, but they’d had some big event at the winery, so I was just fine with that. I could fill Ace in on things later. I felt like I was Scarlet O’Hara coming down the stairs at Tara, and everyone was watching me. I noticed that JP was sitting next to the head of the table, but he’d left that place empty. “That is your place,” I said firmly, pointing to the empty chair at the head of the table.
“Not tonight,” he said with a smile. “This is your party.”
“Just don’t get cocky,” Claire joked to lighten the mood, and that made me laugh.
I sat down, and then raised my glass of wine. “Thank you all for coming.” They all raised their glasses and drank with me. The caterers brought out salads, and we started eating, just chatting away.
“Are you going to wait until we get to dessert to tell us what this is all about?” Stef asked. He was annoyed with me, because I hadn’t told him why I’d put this dinner together. In fact, I’d only shared that with one person. I looked down the table to where Frank was and winked at him, getting a smile in return. I’d told him my plan, and had gotten his tacit approval. I knew that by including him I had made this whole evening more special for both of us.
“You didn't tell me when JP and Mother were going to announce their divorce,” I said. “This is payback.”
“Humph,” he said, and that made JP start laughing. “What?” he demanded of his partner.
“Perhaps it is the house, and her spirit has possessed you, but you sounded just like Tonto when you said that,” JP explained. That made everyone laugh, even Stef.
The main course came out, and I waited until the teenagers had finished, figuring that everyone else would be about halfway through, when I stood up to get everyone’s attention. “Stef has asked me to get to the point about why I arranged this dinner.”
“I thought it was just a reception after the ceremony,” Matt said.
“No, I have something else I need to take care of. Today is the day that I close the door on my grieving for Robbie. I will always love him, and I will always remember him, but I will not mourn him any longer,” I said firmly.
“Good for you,” Will said, being supportive as always. I smiled to thank him, and the others around the table who all gave me supportive looks. I was especially relieved to see that Frank seemed just as happy for me as the others.
“I went to New York last week to meet with an attorney,” I said, my mood becoming somber, and turned to Stef. “I told you that the meeting wasn’t important, but that was a lie.”
“What did you meet with an attorney about?” Stef asked, the concern dripping off of his words.
“I had posted a sizeable reward for Robbie’s rings. They found them, and I had to go claim them from the attorney, and give him the reward money.”
“Where did they find them?” Matt asked.
“He wouldn't tell me,” I explained. “He said that it was simply too traumatic, and they didn’t have complete information anyway. All he would say is that they found them while sifting through the rubble.”
“Oh,” he said, much the same reaction I’d had. I let them all digest that, understanding that that was all we would ever know about how they had found the rings.
“We received these rings for Christmas in 2000, from Stef,” I said, pulling the signet ring off my left pinky and holding it up for effect. Most of the people at this table had one just like mine. They were gold, with jewels in them, and had our family coat of arms emblazoned on the front, much like a class ring. “The purpose was to symbolize family unity, and to remind us that we are a team.”
“It was a wonderful present,” Claire said to Stef, and he beamed with pleasure.
“It certainly was,” JP said, making Stef’s smile even brighter. I put my signet ring back on.
“I have four wonderful sons, but I have not always treated them as well as I should,” I said, and then I looked at Matt. “Especially you. I am sorry about that.”
“Dude, no guilt,” Matt said. “I told you we were good.”
“Thanks,” I said sincerely. “As I said, I have four wonderful sons, and conveniently enough, I also have four rings. So I’m going to give these rings to you, and hope that you will keep them and they will remind you of Pop and me, and they will also link the four of you together.”
“Thanks, Dad,” Darius said, and his voice sounded choked up.
“Well, I have appreciated my siblings,” I paused and looked at Claire. “Most of the time.” That got a laugh, especially from her two kids.
“You used to be my favorite brother,” she snipped.
I took out Robbie’s wedding ring, and walked over to Matt. He instinctively stood up. “This is the ring I gave Robbie at our wedding. You were such an important part of that event. I want you to have it.”
He wiped a tear out of his eye, took the ring and put it on his right ring finger. “Thanks,” he said, and gave me a big hug.
“This means that as far as I’m concerned, you are as much my son as Darius, JJ, and Will. You understand that, right?” I made him focus his eyes on mine, so he’d see how sincere I was, but that was almost a mistake, because I found myself looking into those beautiful lavender eyes that could just as easily have been Robbie’s. He nodded, and gave me another hug. I had to wipe my eyes after that, and so did he.
I swallowed hard, fighting back the emotions so my voice wouldn’t crack, and walked over to Darius. He followed Matt’s lead, and stood up as soon as I got to his chair. “This is the ring Robbie gave me at our wedding,” I said, as I pulled it off my finger. “I want you to have it. I hope you’ll appreciate it, even though it’s mine.”
Darius gave me a hug just like Matt had. “Thanks, Dad. I’m glad it was yours.”
I walked over to JJ, and watched him recoil at being the center of attention, and at being reminded of the horrors of that day. He stood up stiffly and looked at me nervously. “This is the ring I gave Robbie when we promised to be partners. It was on January 3, 1986, when we were moving to Malibu. I pulled over when we were by Shell Beach, and that’s where I gave it to him, and that’s when we agreed to be partners. I want you to have it.”
JJ took the ring and looked at it, as if he was weighing its significance. I stood there while he let his brain process what it was, and what it meant. He looked up at me, and blinked, forcing a tear out of his eye. I smiled weakly, and then he hugged me, and clung to me more than he normally would. “Thanks,” he muttered, and once again seemed embarrassed about being the center of attention. I always found it funny that JJ, who was the biggest celebrity of the brothers, and most often in the public eye, would be so anxious to avoid attention at family gatherings.
I walked over to Will, smiling as I did. He stood up and faced me, smiling back at me. We just paused and looked at each other, saying so much with just our eyes, sharing the love that was so strong between us, and managed to overcome the fights and disappointments we’d had with each other. “This is the ring Robbie gave me when we first became partners,” I said, as I took it off my finger. “We exchanged these rings before you were even born. When we found out your mother was pregnant with you, Robbie was initially upset, thinking that I’d dump him for a woman. I guess he hadn’t figured out that whole gay thing yet.” That got a chuckle. “In the end, your birth brought us closer together. I’ve worn this ring almost constantly since 1986. I want you to have it.”
He took it and put it on his right ring finger, just like his brothers had. “I will always cherish it,” he said, and gave me a hug just like they had.
I walked back to the head of the table. “I have been a mess since 9-11, and slowly I’ve worked my way out of my funk. I’ve hurt some of you badly, by intention or by accident. At the same time, you all have been a constant source of strength for me. I could not ask for a better, more loyal or more loving family. I stand here and ask you to forgive me, and promise that I’ll try to do better in the future.”
I was shocked when Frank stood up. “As far as I’m concerned, you don’t owe us a damn thing, especially not an apology. When Robbie was growing up, I always hoped that he’d find someone who would love him unconditionally, and would support him in life, and would help him raise a family. Now, usually I visualized that person as someone who would be wearing a skirt and would have large breasts, so in that regard, you’re a bit of a disappointment.” We all laughed at that. “But that’s the only time you disappointed me, and in the end, that didn’t matter at all. You were a good partner to my son.”
I stared at him, stunned that he’d say that, and barely managed to mutter thanks. He walked up to the head of the table and gave me a big hug, one that reminded me so much of Robbie, only this time, it didn’t make me sad, it made me happy.
“To Robbie Hayes,” I said, lifting my glass up again. “I will always love you, and I will never forget you.” Everyone drank with me, and my grieving was finally at an end. It was like I was reborn.
We had a fun party, but I kept looking at Cody. Part of that was lust, but most of it was love, and guilt, because I knew I had hurt him, and I knew I had to make it right. When things were winding down, I walked over and cornered him. “Want to go for a walk?”
“A walk?” he asked, flirting.
“Yes, a walk,” I said. “Let’s go wander through the Mills.”
“Everything will be closed,” he said, just to give me a bad time.
“Bars will be open,” I said. “Come on.”
“Oh alright,” he said, pretending like it was some big chore.
“I’m going to go put on some shorts,” I said, his clue to do the same thing. I changed, and then told Will and Stef what I was doing. It was kind of funny that I felt like I had to let them keep tabs on me, but then again, I’d been a complete mess, and they’d appointed themselves as my guardian angels, so it was the least I could do. This way, they wouldn’t worry about me. I led Cody out of the house and down toward the river. It was one of those muggy summer nights in Claremont, where now that the sun was down, it was just cool enough to be comfortable.
“So you done being mad at me?” he asked.
“I was never mad at you.”
“I could tell you didn’t want me around, so I stayed away,” he said, and couldn’t hide his bitterness and his sadness.
“You’re right,” I agreed, wondering if this would be like my conversation with Matt, where he said everything I was thinking so I didn’t have to. “I did push you away. I’m really sorry about that. It was extremely selfish of me, especially since you’ve been one of my best friends, and you’ve always been there for me.”
He didn’t say anything for a bit, he just digested my apology. I knew him well enough to know that he’d accepted it, but I waited for him to speak. “I figured you were afraid that now that you were a free man, I’d try to snatch you up.”
“Would you have?” I asked, flirting.
He smiled and shook his head. “Tempting.” We walked on for a bit. “I knew you weren’t ready for that, and quite frankly, I don’t know if I even want that.”
“Really?” I asked, not a little insulted, but most of that was insecurity because I was older than him.
“Our friendship is important to me, and it’s comfortable. We’ve been that way for a while now. I’m not sure I want to change it.”
“Good point,” I agreed. “And I wasn’t ready for that, even if that’s what you wanted.”
“Are you ready now?”
I thought about that. “I think I could be ready to try another relationship, but I think right now I just want my freedom.”
“That’s funny. I talked to Matt, and he said exactly the same thing.” It made sense that we’d be in a similar place, emotionally. “You both seem so strong and grounded. It’s kind of freaky. It happened so fast.”
“I think that I had to do a couple of things to get here. First, I had to do what I did tonight, and stop mourning Robbie. He made me promise to do that, and gave me six months to accomplish it. I’m a little behind schedule.”
“He would have been OK with that,” Cody said, and he was right, but it was nice of him to give me absolution. Robbie would have most likely have been happy that it took longer for me to get over him, only because it showed how much I loved him.
“And I had to fix my broken relationships.”
“Did you do that?”
I nodded. “I’m good with Matt; Wade and I are at a nice place; and Will isn’t pissed off at me. I’m almost done.”
“Almost?”
“I have to fix us.” We walked on and said nothing for a bit, even though I knew he was surprised to find that our relationship was part of that. He must have really felt rejected, and it was all I could do not to let the guilt consume me.
“Why did you push me away?” he asked, and did it in a way that was so earnest. He was totally dropping his shields. “I figured that if anything, you’d want me there to help.”
“I wasn’t rational,” I said, as a preface. “When I looked at you, I saw everything that was wrong with my relationship with Robbie.”
“What the fuck?” He was pretty pissed off.
I put my hand on his shoulder, and could feel how upset he was. “Let me explain this. I told you I wasn’t thinking clearly. Just hear me out, OK?”
“OK,” he grumbled.
“You and I have always been friends, but we didn’t get really close until my nightmare breakup with Robbie in 1999.”
“You mean we didn’t fuck until then,” he said.
“That would require us to be pretty close, don’t you think?” I joked, to lighten up the mood, but it didn’t work.
“So you blame me for that?” he demanded.
“No, I don’t blame you for that at all,” I said, probably a little too aggressively. “I didn’t say I blamed you, I said you reminded me of that.”
“Because I was there for you, and supported you, you blamed me?”
“I said I didn’t blame you,” I snapped, and then got my irritation with him under control. “What I said was that because you were there and supported me during that time, you reminded me of it,” I corrected.
“Seriously?” He was still really upset.
“Sounds insane, doesn’t it?” I asked.
“You’re saying that you were a fucking nutcase, and that’s why you thought that?”
“You don’t think I’ve been a fucking nutcase?” I asked. “I think I’ve been a fucking nutcase. Unless you’re blind, it makes sense you’d think that too.”
“I know this hasn’t been easy for you,” he relented a bit.
“I’ve been so fucked up, I didn’t even realize it. I’ve been walking around with all this shit buried deep inside, warping me on the outside. This is one of the weirder manifestations of that.”
“I don’t get it,” he said, shaking his head. “And I’ve got to tell you, it’s a little annoying that you had this whole thing going on with Wade, when you were blowing me off at the same time.”
I sighed, and started my long soliloquy, talking about my secret relationship with Wade, my subconscious desire to hurt Matt, how Will caught us, and how that ultimately led to my epiphany on the beach. He didn’t say anything; he just let me ramble on. “And that all led up to today, when I can finally put all this shit behind me and look forward, instead of back.”
He stopped walking and looked at me, his eyes drilling into mine. Cody could do that, dive into a brain and almost read it, but he could only do that to me if I let him. This time, I let him, so he’d know how sincere I was. “Dude, I get it. You were seriously fucked up.”
I laughed. “Yes.”
“I’m glad you’re better,” he said cautiously.
“I’m hoping that you’ll forgive me, and that we’ll be able to rebuild our friendship,” I said nervously.
“Brad, you knew that no matter what, I’d forgive you for this and we’d be able to move on,” he said.
“Good,” I said, grinning at him, but he was still apprehensive. Something was bothering him. “What?”
“I’ve been seeing someone.”
“You see lots of people,” I teased, only he didn’t laugh. “This time it’s serious?”
“This time it’s serious,” he said.
“You trying to tell me we can be friends but we can’t fuck?” I asked, trying to keep things light.
He smiled. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”
“Not even a blow job?” I asked, teasing him.
“Maybe a blow job,” he said, raising an eyebrow, and that made us both laugh.
“So who is this guy?”
“Alex Danvers,” he said. That freaked me out, and I knew exactly why. It bothered me because I’d lost Robbie to him, at least partly, and now I had lost Cody to him. And even though I knew it wasn’t fair, that’s how I felt.
“He’s a nice guy,” I said, trying to sound sincere.
“I think that while you were pushing me away, he was pulling me in. We were both trying to find someone to hold onto, to get through this,” he said.
“And a simple relationship morphed into something more serious,” I said, taking him to his logical conclusion.
“I love him, and he loves me,” Cody said sincerely. I stopped and did that mind meld thing with him, and I could tell that he meant it. And then the annoyance at Alex was gone, and I was just happy for him.
“I’m so glad for you,” I told him.
“Thanks.”
“It’s kind of weird that this was going on during that whole deal with the sale of the company, and I didn’t know anything about it,” I mused.
“It actually worked out better, that way I wasn’t involved.”
“Alex seems happy about how things turned out,” I said. We both knew I was digging, doing a post mortem on the sale, but Cody didn’t seem to mind.
“He knew it was a really good deal for the shareholders, and I think he felt better going forward with the investment bank having control,” he said nervously, knowing that would upset me.
“He didn’t trust us?”
“Brad, he saw all the battles with you and Will and Robbie, and saw how those impacted Robbie and the company,” Cody said. “He wanted it to be just about business.”
“Well since I’m not with Alex, and we’re not a couple, it really wouldn’t have impacted how he ran the company,” I said, not a little pissed off.
“Maybe you’re not the only one who was fucked up, and maybe you’re not the only one who saw ghosts when there weren’t any,” he said calmly.
“Maybe I’m not, but how would I know that, since it’s all about me,” I joked. I could have let this whole thing piss me off, but it was over, and there was no reason to go back and create problems. Besides, if Cody and Alex were that tight, I sure as hell didn’t want there to be any problems between Alex and me. “I’m glad he’s happy with the way things turned out.”
“Are you and Wade over?” I was kind of surprised he asked me about that. I wondered if he’d talked to Matt, and if Matt was still insecure about it. I decided that the only way to find out was to answer the question.
“We are,” I confirmed. “We’ll always be friends. There’s something about his mind that is just so compelling. But that’s all.”
“So it’s over in your mind, but is it over in his?”
Now he was annoying me. “If there’s something you want to say, just say it.”
“I think you got over Wade easier than Wade got over you.”
“You’re telling me that he still wants to be with me?” I asked, unable to hide how distraught that made me.
“I got that impression,” he said.
We turned around and started heading back to the house. “There’s nothing I can really do for him.” I said it in a really dismissive way, but that just hid how the guilt consumed me. I thought that Wade and I were good, and that we had both agreed to move on.
“I just thought you should know, in case, well…” his voice trailed off.
“In case I’m tempted to fuck him?” I demanded. He nodded. We walked on for a bit. “You’re saying this is like it was with Max, where I have to resist the temptation for his own good.”
“That’s what I’m saying,” he said.
I put my arm around him in an affectionate gesture. “Thanks for explaining that to me.” Cody was just trying to watch out for me, and for Wade. I wasn’t convinced he’d read Wade right. He didn’t have my ability, or Matt’s ability, to really get through Wade’s shields. But it was a good advice, regardless of whether he was right or not.
“No problem.”
“Ask Alex if you can fuck me for my birthday. That’s in October. Something to look forward to.” He laughed.
“We’ll see.”
July 3, 2002
Claremont, OH
Matt
“I hope you don’t mind me just showing up for this,” Wade said, as we walked out of the dining room. I’d spotted him in the crowd with Cody, and had been waiting for a moment when we could be alone. “Brad made it sound like it was a big deal, and that got my curiosity up.”
“It was a big deal,” I said. “I’m glad it made you curious enough to come out.”
“I was going to call and let you know I was coming, but it kind of happened at the last minute,” he said. He was being very rigid, and very proper, which meant he was really nervous and uncomfortable.
“It’s fine that you didn’t call me first. You don’t have to check in with me,” I said.
“I know, but…”
I stopped by the stairs and cut him off by giving him a really nice kiss. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too,” he said playfully.
“Where are your bags?”
“Right there,” he said, pointing to a small suitcase by the entrance.
“Not much stuff in there,” I said. “You must not be planning to be here very long.”
“How long are you planning to be here?” he asked.
“Probably until the day after tomorrow,” I said.
“That’s not very long either,” he said, giving me shit. “Looks like we’re on the same schedule.”
“I just figured that if you were coming out here to see me, you’d be so desperate to spend all kinds of time with me, you’d have brought a couple of suitcases full of stuff,” I said. I loved to banter with Wade. I was having a blast.
“Then maybe I wasn’t desperate to spend all kinds of time with you,” he said logically, sounding like JP.
“Dude, that cannot be it,” I said, pretending to be stuck up. He laughed with me.
“You know, if I run out of things, I can always either do laundry, or buy more clothes,” he said. “I try to be flexible.”
“Brad told me I could stay at his condo in the Mills. He wants to be here with everyone else. Want to go back with me and show me just how flexible you are?”
He smiled, flirting shyly. “You think I’m that easy, that you can just invite me back to your place without taking me out on the town first?”
I leaned in and kissed him, and even though a lot of the passionate feeling was gone, I could still feel the love between us, the love that would always be there. “I think you’re that easy.”
“You may be right,” he said, cracking me up. We borrowed one of the limos and had it take us over to the condo. There were a lot of people out and about, enjoying Claremont’s big party, but the limo managed to negotiate around the bigger traffic problems. We just had a blast, making fun of the rednecks, and enjoying being together.
The driver dropped us off and we went into the complex. I had to use the key Brad gave me, and even though I did that, I still had to explain myself to the concierge. He told us where the unit was, and even offered to show us, but it was easy enough to find. We walked into the condo, and it was really nice. It had a real loft feeling to it. “This is probably a lot like what my apartment will look like,” I said.
“I heard about that,” he said. “An elevator straight to a gay club? Slut.”
“I think it will be fun,” I told him. “You can come visit and we’ll troll together.”
He laughed at that. “Yeah, I’m seeing that.”
“You’re right. Probably won’t happen.”
“You don’t think I can troll for dudes at a gay club?” he asked, pretending to be offended.
“I think you’d have guys all over you,” I said. “Wouldn’t matter.”
“Why not?”
I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around him. “Because at the end of the night, there would only be two people in that elevator heading up to my apartment. You and me.” I whispered those last three words into his ear, in my husky voice.
“I think you’ve gotten smarter since you graduated from college,” he joked.
“I think I have too,” I said, only I was being serious. He nodded, and this time he kissed me. “Wanna see if this place has a nice shower?”
“I’ll bet it does,” he said.
“I’ll bet you want to find out,” I joked. We found the bathroom, and it was awesome. We took a shower and made love, and it was really nice, and really special. I thought about my time with Josh, and decided that I’d have gotten off so much better if I’d have jacked off while thinking about sex with Wade.
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