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    Aditus
  • Aditus
  • Author
  • 01/27/2016
  • 128 Words
  • 937 Views
  • 10 Comments
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

Aditus' prompts and circumstances - 29. Poetry 10 - Italian Sonnet: Dream 2.0

Dream 2.0

 

The red door dares me to come closer still,

to touch its handle, press down, step inside,

although its color screams entry denied,

I cannot resist the lure, and the thrill.

Fingers on icy cold brass feel the chill,

as my need to know and my fear collide,

I pull back my hand, but my feet abide,

and instinct to flee fights unbending will.

The door flies open, warmth invites me in,

all I can see is a flickering fire.

 

Shadows dance on your luminescent skin,

then you smile and the flames become higher.

They told me you are the cardinal sin,

but I came back my beloved sire.

Thank you, Parker and Peter!
©Copyright 2013 Aditus; All Rights Reserved.
  • Like 7
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Aditus
On 01/28/2016 12:09 PM, Headstall said:

I think this is one of your best, Adi... wonderfully visual... very powerful... you should be proud of this... cheers... Gary....

I fought with this one, so many ideas so little fitting rhymes. Did you know there isn't anything remotely adequate rhyming with sofa? lol I pushed it away, because it wasn't what I wanted. Peter's poem reminded me and, with a little help, it became this.

Thank you for your nice words, Gary. :)

AC Benus

The opening line reminds me of the Rolling Stones'

"I see a red door and I want to paint it black."

 

That's a song I never understood ;) Still don’t – your poem is clearer but still seems to live in that twilight world where meaning is perhaps of secondary importance.

 

As an Italian Sonnet, I have to say your rhyme choices are all super smooth and natural! You've really taken the hard part of making the kissing rhymes (the b-b rhymes in the center of the quatrains) and made it seem easy. Bravo! Also wonderful is how clear the shift in attitude is when we get to the concluding six lines. These poems have a built-in pivot point, and here you use it to full effect, imo.

 

Wonderful poem! Thanks for posting it!!

J.HunterDunn

On reading your poem the first time "fatal attraction" came to mind. I think it was the combination of the suspense that was building in the first part and the outcome of the second. Then I noticed that they attached the label cardinal sin to the person/entity in the warm second part, but that this is not how the writer sees it. So I dropped the "fatal". For me this poem is about attraction that can't be resisted.

 

Knowing your love for colors I suppose you deliberately let the red from the door return in the cardinal red. If not, it was just a hidden treat for me.

 

I'm a long way off from making poems as beautiful as you do, Adi. Genuine admiration here.

Aditus
On 01/29/2016 04:30 AM, AC Benus said:

The opening line reminds me of the Rolling Stones'

"I see a red door and I want to paint it black."

 

That's a song I never understood ;) Still don’t – your poem is clearer but still seems to live in that twilight world where meaning is perhaps of secondary importance.

 

As an Italian Sonnet, I have to say your rhyme choices are all super smooth and natural! You've really taken the hard part of making the kissing rhymes (the b-b rhymes in the center of the quatrains) and made it seem easy. Bravo! Also wonderful is how clear the shift in attitude is when we get to the concluding six lines. These poems have a built-in pivot point, and here you use it to full effect, imo.

 

Wonderful poem! Thanks for posting it!!

I'm usually the one who would paint a black door blue...oh well. You had me laughing about 'where meaning is perhaps of secondary importance'. My answer would be: I hope not. I tied very hard to bring my idea into proper form, which I managed at least. ;)

Thank you, AC. :)

Aditus
On 01/29/2016 05:50 AM, Cole Matthews said:

Here is my impression, it's a very scary place you've taken us. It felt stuck, both physically and emotionally. The red door opened and I'm not sure it's a place I want to go, but I'm not sure there is a choice at that point. Quite interesting.

The moment I post a poem it belongs to the reader as well. I'm glad it worked for you, made you curious, wary? Perfect.

Thank you for reading the poem and sharing your thoughts, Cole. :)

Aditus
On 01/29/2016 06:24 AM, J.HunterDunn said:

On reading your poem the first time "fatal attraction" came to mind. I think it was the combination of the suspense that was building in the first part and the outcome of the second. Then I noticed that they attached the label cardinal sin to the person/entity in the warm second part, but that this is not how the writer sees it. So I dropped the "fatal". For me this poem is about attraction that can't be resisted.

 

Knowing your love for colors I suppose you deliberately let the red from the door return in the cardinal red. If not, it was just a hidden treat for me.

 

I'm a long way off from making poems as beautiful as you do, Adi. Genuine admiration here.

Attraction warned against, but he still can't resist...that's what I wanted to convey. Maybe with a devilish touch.

I'm so very pleased you caught on the cardinal.

Thank you for deeming my poems beautiful, although I still have so much to learn, Peter. :)

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