Toph's Empty Year - 24. Early August

I’m not quite sure what it is about August, but it’s often been my time of year to take stock – to see where I’ve been and, in a way, where I am. This year, my stock of memories has been rich and tasty. It all started nearly twelve months ago with my decision to break away from my comfortable but frustrating life.

I had to laugh, remembering all the fits and starts and drama which colored my autumn. Then, of course, came the black winter of my dissolution. But with Gary’s gentle encouragement, the progression of events which saw my rebirth in spring and maturation in summer were now about to produce fruit as my first New Glory year drew to a close. I knew my future would unfold in unpredictable ways, but with my sweetheart by my side, all those usual insecurities were now being safely held at bay.

Speaking of the conclusion to my initial year of independence, there were some final touches to consider. There was the presentation to Naomi of her portrait, and then that damned dinner. Friday was the second of August, and I received a surprise call from Big Joe to inform me my blazer and slacks were finished. I’m not sure his father could have done it so fast.

The plans for the dinner were complete. Gordon’s was reserved for the seventeenth. Gary personally called my parents to invite them. Things were rolling along. I was becoming a wreck.

I know, this sounds like a contradiction to what I first said. It’s just, some gnatty things were bugging me. Saturday, I sat at Happy’s, lost in thought. Sipping my coffee, I focused on everything that could possibly go wrong at the dinner one item at a time. How would it go? Would they think it absurd to have a dinner simply to announce I’m going to college? All my siblings went to college. I didn’t recall any dinners to celebrate. I remembered Clarence returning home after a three-day hangover at a friend’s house, but no dinner.

“You seem to have the problems of the world on your shoulder, dear.” My late breakfast had arrived; Betty too.

“No, Betty. Only the problems of Toph. They’re bad enough.”

“Do you need a shoulder?”

“Haha – Betty your shoulder’s not nearly big enough.”

“Get it off your chest, young man, before it kills you.”

I took a deep breath. “Do you really want to hear this?”

Betty pointed to a girl I hadn’t noticed. She was working at the far end of the counter. The next thing I knew, Betty was sitting on the stool next to me, sipping from her own cup of coffee.

“We hired her last week to help with the breakfast crowd, which is sort of over. I’m on break – something new for me. Now, let me hear all about it. Is there trouble in paradise?”

I had to laugh. “No, thank God, it’s nothing like that.”

“Well, don’t keep me in suspense, Toph!”

“I’ll try to make it brief. You’ll have to fill between the lines yourself. You know I’m not from here. What you may not know is I’m from Euphor ...er, that is, Floria. You certainly know what it means to be from there. The problem is I’m not like that. My spirit belongs in a town like New Glory. After high school, I disappointed all my friends, but especially my family. I didn’t want to go to an Ivy League college, as everyone had assumed was required. I’m simply not preppy or whatever one is supposed to be there. I’m not a plastic person either. My midnight-shift job fit me perfectly. At first, I enjoyed my days happily visiting the gallery, small shops and you, of course.”

“You’re too sweet, Toph!”

“Well, I’ve learned a lot this year. I even fell in love. The feelings between me and the family I fled were always cold. I believe those feelings drifted into hostility for a while this fall. My mother even tried to manipulate my life by remote control. Slowly, things have thawed. Most of my siblings have even warmed to me.”

“But I don’t understand what your problem is then, Toph. If you’re happy – end of story.”

“Yes, of course. But, you see, Gary has scheduled a dinner at Gordon’s Restaurant for our parents. I was accepted at Abington and he seems to believe it should be announced at a dinner. My sister went to Princeton, and two brothers went to Harvard. They never had an announcement dinner. It’s beginning to feel pretentious to me. I am seriously harboring second thoughts about it.”

“How much do you trust your boyfriend?”

“Completely.”

“Does he often make frivolous decisions?”

“Never.”

“Well, he recently visited me, you know.”

“Alone?”

“Oh, yes. He was concerned about how you might take a few things. He asked for my advice.”

I was stunned. “About what?”

“I’m not at liberty to say. Don’t fret; it’s nothing bad. My point is, he sought advice because he loves you so much he doesn’t want to upset you in any way. And, this wasn’t the first time he’d asked for my ideas about you.”

“I don’t follow.”

“I hope you realize you weren’t the easiest person for him to approach last fall.”

I felt my face flush. “I might have had a few interpersonal relationship issues, I guess.”

She smiled at me. “I gathered. But, don’t you see, he thought enough of you to seek the opinion of others. He loves you, Toph; never forget it.”

“What should I do?”

She reached over, placing her warm hand on mine. “He is so much in love with you. Gary may use the dinner to show you just how deep his love is.” Betty looked me in the eyes. “Show him your trust. You have no idea what it will mean for your relationship. If things don’t go as planned, never throw it back in his face. Love never does that. All right?”

I nodded, sitting quietly to digest everything my small-town Minerva had said. When I left Happy’s, I felt a lot wiser and, I guess, happier too.

The rest of that Saturday found me pounding out more chapters of J’s journey. On Sunday, Gary suggested we swim and sunbathe at the lake we had visited before. Always attuned to my moods, he must have determined lying on a blanket, and discussing the shape of clouds was proper therapy for his nervous, little red flower.

He pointed to the sky on my right. “Those two look like lovers about to kiss.”

“Oh-oh. They just drifted apart. Do you suppose it’s always like that?”

“Love, in my mind we are in this for the long haul. Don’t you feel the same?”

“I feel it, but I haven’t had too much luck so far. I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

He rolled over and kissed me – hard! “Please tell me you didn’t mean what you just said.”

“No, I don’t believe it. I’m so in love with you sometimes I worry it’s too good to be true.”

“It is good, and it is true. I love you completely; never forget it.”

That sounded familiar. Betty said almost the same words yesterday.

Gary’s ‘therapy’ seemed to work, at least for seven days. With the dinner safely two full weeks away, I was able to enjoy my work at Naomi’s, have feverish writing sessions, visit with Luke and enjoy our usual gym and tennis.

The following Sunday found us at the riverside park where we had watched the boat races in the spring. This time we encountered a small carnival. I’m not sure why it was there, but it was fun to wander through its midway and observe kids enjoying the rides. They weren’t worrying about tomorrow. There’s something honest about children. They are able to soak up and enjoy whatever is in front of them without being bothered by the specter of future troubles. When he found out I had never eaten any before, Gary bought me cotton candy. I tried to feel like those children, my mind never wandering to worry of the dinner. I was totally absorbed by the colors and noises around us. It was exhilarating.

Monday, while working at Naomi’s, I realized the only thing left on my week’s agenda was giving her the portrait I had finished at my studio. That would happen at Wednesday’s TALON meeting. I told Luke about it, and he had everything ready. It was during a break on Tuesday when I delivered the portrait. Luke showed me the stand he had set up in our meeting room. He even had a lovely piece of cloth, sporting an Op-Art image, to cover the painting.

Wednesday arrived, and we all eventually congregated at Luke’s to settle into our usual routine. It was a lively meeting where I seemed to be the focus of attention. Oscar asked about my progress on J’s story. That, of course, required an explanation to everyone of what I was doing. Since they all had seen the Texas Boys painting, I had to field lots of questions. They even asked me about the wedding and how I had interacted with my family. I realized there were few secrets from these friends. That became clearer when Oscar asked me if I was ready to tell those present about Abington. He cleverly kept the secret I had entrusted to him by forcing me to reveal it. However, Oscar’s little talon swipe did allow me the perfect segue to Naomi’s painting.

“Well, as Oscar has just hinted, I have news from Abington. My interview must not have been as terrible as I thought. They have accepted me.” The little announcement was greeted by smiles and applause from my friends. “I begin late next week, which means my attendance here will be sporadic and schedule-dependent. Naomi will allow me to continue working at her shop in whatever hours I can manage. So, as you can see, she is very supportive. But there is more. If it weren’t for Naomi, I don’t think I would ever have discovered a way to express myself. Of course, that was only the first thing I needed to accomplish to be here today making this announcement. There was certainly much, much more. She also encouraged and taught me. Still, I would never have applied to Abington were it not for Naomi engineering a little dinner last November where she and Gary proposed I do just that. Gary wasn’t even my boyfriend then, just my roommate. What I’m trying to say is the applause should go to Naomi.” I walked over to the stand Luke had placed by the side wall. I lifted the cloth cover, revealing her portrait. “So, in the only way I know how, this is my thank-you to one of the most wonderful women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

By then, Naomi was at my side. I gave her a warm hug and kiss on the cheek. I could see tears in her eyes as she gazed at her image. “Toph, this is some of your best work.”

“What can I say? You inspire me.”

During our workout that evening, I brought Gary up-to-speed on my afternoon presentation. I told him that I also asked everyone to not mention Abington to anyone else until Saturday, still trying to keep our parents in the dark. Unfortunately, with the focus now off giving Naomi her painting, my mind was free to wrestle with Saturday’s dinner with the folks.

I know I had promised to stop overthinking things, but that didn’t prevent unsettling thoughts from sneaking in anytime my defenses were down. With nothing left to fix my attention on, it did happen quite often that Thursday and Friday. I couldn’t even concentrate enough to work on J’s journey.

Friday night, as soon as Gary fell asleep, I resumed thinking. I still wasn’t completely sure about the dinner. Gary had engineered the whole thing and perhaps now had something additional in mind. Even though there had been a thaw in the relationship with my family, the thought of my mother having dinner with us triggered something deep inside me, and it wasn’t pleasant. I think it was some sort of cross between dry heaves and the results of seeing a mutilated body.

I was definitely having second thoughts. More like first thoughts, since it was never my plan to deal with her ever again. My father seemed more open and friendly, but not the Ice Queen. Gary simply plowed on, like a steamroller. In some indescribable way, it flattened me too.

I did not get much sleep Friday night. I tossed and turned, wandered the apartment, watched television and tried to write. When it became light, I made coffee. I wasn’t sure if Gary knew about my night, but he gave me a look when I poured his cup as he entered the kitchen. Yeah, he knew.

“Would you mind if I drove down to the river, by myself, for a little bit? I think I need some alone time to compose myself. I won’t be more than a couple hours.”

“If that’s what you need, then do it, love.”

And I did. I was drawn to the overlook which had figured so prominently in the turning points of my year. Yes, the year – quite a stunning twelve months! As August blossomed, many thoughts flowered in all the recesses of my mind. No, I wasn’t fretting or overthinking, but reflecting on this amazing year. When I tore myself away from the safety of my Euphoric womb, to swaddle myself in the caresses of New Glory, I could not have envisioned what form my life would take over this short span of time.

I realized this was the seventeenth, one year to the day from my fateful decision to leave Euphoria. I distinctly remember my thoughts when I left Austin’s bed late the night before I began my search for a new home. ‘I need to move; I need to leave my Euphoria behind; I need to find another gay boy, one who will love me.’ Those were really my only goals: to find an honest boy and lead a plain life. Those goals were certainly not met, well, not really, but I preferred the actual results. My simple life has become a little goal-driven, but I have hopes that after my time at Abington, I’ll be able to retake some control and uncomplicated myself again. At least I’ll have more tools at my disposal for that end. My honest boy, of course, was honest, but definitely not simple. However, despite his family’s wealth, he was a very down-to-earth and loving soul. That brought me to Betty’s cryptic comments. She knew something from Gary, but didn’t want to tell me. In a way, knowing he had a secondary motive for the dinner sort of liberated me from the feeling it was too pretentious to simply announce I was going to school. I’d find out soon enough. Like Betty said, I needed to trust my boyfriend. Instead, I watched the play of colors on the flowing water, twinkling in the sunshine. I bathed myself in mostly pleasant feelings.

I remained down there, leaning on the railing, and slowly came to understand that nothing mattered except our love for each other. Those worries and thoughts which had kept me up all night meant nothing next to our love. That was it. Love was all that mattered.

When I returned home, I kissed my man. Gary’s kiss always had a calming effect on me. He knew I hadn’t slept. He undressed me, put me to bed and remained sitting next to me, gently rubbing my hair. I did drift into sleep and enjoyed a good two-hour nap. I awoke refreshed.

After I showered and shaved, I dressed in my new navy blazer, khakis and an open light-blue shirt. I reasoned it would be perfect for Gordon’s. Gary must have thought so too, because he gave me a killer smile and a sweet kiss. He selected a tweed sport jacket, also with an open shirt. We were the epitome of business casual.

On our ride to the restaurant, I made no comments or objections, which surprised him, I think. Tonight I was going to put my full trust in Gary. Beware, General Blake! You are now in total command.

We arrived before any of the parents, on purpose. Gary made sure the tables were in the location he had requested. He also insisted they be arranged in a triangle. This meant each person would be able to see everyone clearly. We were seated when the parents arrived; it appeared they were together. We rose to greet them. Both fathers were chatting, as were the mothers. We found out later that Gary’s parents had picked up the Dennys and drove them to Gordon’s. We received warm handshakes from our fathers and hugs from our mothers.

Let me explain that last observation more carefully. Moms gave me a very warm hug and a smile, and then with both hands on my face, she kissed me squarely on the lips. This was followed by a hug from my mother. It wasn’t the warmest of hugs and there was no kiss, but still, it was a hug. I kissed her on the cheek. I was very proud of myself.

Then they sat, but Moms sat next to my father and Pops sat next to my mother. I think the Earth’s axis must have wobbled. While we were waiting for our dinners, the drinks appeared, along with plates of various appetizers. The parents had cocktails and Gary had white wine but I had plain water in a glass over ice with a lemon slice. I figured I might need all my wits.

Dinner arrived, and the conversation was lively. I studied my mother closely, but she seemed relaxed and was clearly enjoying the conversation with Pops. We were often drawn into discussions with the four of them. Everything was wonderfully warm and friendly. When the desserts came, it was about time for me to speak. My trust in Gary had proved well-placed. The dinner was not a disaster – in fact it was lovely – although, I still thought it somewhat pretentious for the simple announcement I was about to make.

Gary stood, got their attention, and turned the floor over to me. For some reason, he remained standing.

“Um – it was really nice getting us all together. There was a motive though.” Looking at the parents, I could see Gary’s were probably aware of what I was about to say; mine were not. “I applied to Abington School of Architecture and Design, and I have been accepted. I begin late next week.”

My father was the first to jump up, grab my hand and congratulate me. He was followed by Pops. After that, I made my way to each table to kiss the mothers, although Moms grabbed me and, once again, demonstrated the proper way to hug a son.

I returned to our table, but as I sat, Gary remained standing. I looked at him, not quite comprehending why he didn’t also sit.

“By now, you realize Toph is unbelievably talented. While it was difficult for him to reach this accomplishment, he has shown tremendous growth and determination.”

My father chuckled, no doubt remembering my determination to flee Euphoria. Gary continued.

“I am incredibly proud of him, as you should be! Abington found Toph so desirable, he was offered a full scholarship. That is something they rarely do. This has been quite a year for Toph. What you might not realize is it has been quite a year for me too. Almost a year ago, on Labor Day, I was stunned to see a dashing young man with a splash of red hair arrive at my apartment. He rushed in with a couple suitcases, dressed in a tuxedo. He took my breath away.”

At this point, Gary caressed the back of my neck, under my hair, smiled at me and continued.

“I have to admit, I was instantly smitten. Try as I might, I could not break through the barriers the frightened boy had erected to keep people out. Now, let me tell you, this was an enormous assault upon the self-esteem of a man who, I have to admit now, had an oversized ego. Naturally, I attempted to break through. As I got more desperate, all my methods became more ridiculous. They only succeeded in pushing Toph further away from me.” There was some soft tittering. Again, I received the caress, this time followed by a gentle kiss.

“It was then I decided to seek help. I pleaded with my mother, my friends and even his friends for advice. The best advice came from a wonderful lady who is the waitress at the diner Toph frequents. She has great insight into human nature, especially the nature of my favorite human. Thus began the worst several months of my life. I had to sit by and allow Toph to learn and grow. Many nights I cried myself to sleep, feeling the pain he was experiencing at the time. But I knew by then, if I tried to help him in any way, he would have pushed me away – perhaps for good.”

Another pause and caress. I think Gary needed to regroup and gain control of his emotions, but I was long past losing control of mine. Tears were starting to stain my cheeks. He took a breath and continued.

“Ever so slowly, Toph let down his Gary-barriers. It was in May, while we were in Florida, he said the magic words. Toph told me he was in love with me. From that moment on, my life had a purpose. This guy right here is that purpose. He’s the only thing that matters anymore.”

Another kiss, which was surely salty.

“My old friend Andy has assured me it’s only a matter of time before same-sex marriage is the law in our state. And so, I assembled you, our parents, here to witness my humble proposal.”

A pair of simple, etched gold bands materialized in Gary’s hand.

“Toph, will you make me the happiest of men by promising to stay with me forever? And as soon as we can, will you marry me?”

Nothing that night could have surprised me more. Nothing that night could have filled me with as much joy. I stood, and through my now freely flowing tears, kissed the man I loved.

THE END

Epilogue

It has now been nearly ten years since the night which ended my empty year and fulfilled my life. Gary and I were married in 2011, on the first day it became legal in our state, and it was Andy who came through for us. But we truly became married the day he proposed, all those years ago. After all, what’s a piece of paper?

I earned my MFA from Abington and worked for a while at a big gallery in the city, but that has all changed. There have been many changes in my life. The saddest was the passing of Naomi about three years ago. She had no family but me, I guess. As a result, I inherited her shop and small studio. With the encouragement of Gary, money Naomi had saved for the very purpose, from the sale of her inherited properties, and extra financial assistance from my father who – believe it or not – volunteered, I have expanded. The shop alone now occupies the entire area Naomi had possessed. We have been able to purchase the two adjacent buildings south of us, which are now attached. These became studios and a coffee shop. I have been able to fulfill her dream. I know she’s looking down, smiling.

Naomi’s has become a sort of Mecca for young artists from the whole area. Some literary types are in the process of purchasing the buildings on the north side of us, for writers and poets to do the same. I’m sure they’re getting encouragement from Oscar, and wouldn’t be surprised if a little Denny money is involved there too. It’s an exciting time for this part of town.

Speaking of my father, he has become a regular visitor. Who would have guessed? It seems my adolescent brain had greatly misjudged the man. On the other hand, my mother is much the same. Well, a little warmer but still straitlaced. At least she has retreated from her machinations, but I only see her at accidental times. We are polite to each other. I think my father’s visits are equal parts wanting to see me and escaping from her company. I feel sorry for him. I almost feel sorry for her.

Anders and Joanne married soon after I began school and are blessed with two children, now eight and six years old. When they bought a house, Gary bought our apartment building, which is now our home. There is something comforting about never having moved once I arrived in New Glory. My roots took hold immediately and won’t let go. I know, deep down, I will only leave this place feet first.

Incredibly, Betty still rules the roost at Happy’s, and we visit often. She has a couple younger waitresses to help her though. Big Joe runs the tailor shop; his father did pass while I was in school. His is a flourishing business. Gary buys all his suits there now, abandoning Armani. Gary is now the CEO of England, Inc. That being said, his style is somewhat different from that of his father and uncle, who have retired. He has employed very able people to run the business, and now only attends monthly board meetings. This makes me incredibly happy because he is with me so much. The irony never escapes me that in running away from the wealth and privilege of my upbringing I found my down-to-earth partner from a similar upbringing. It was one of the huge lessons the young Toph learned. Only judge a person by his heart.

I seldom see Nico or Austin anymore, although we three did meet a few times while in school. About six or seven years ago, Niles settled down with a boy I’d never previously met. They stop in the shop a couple times a year. Euphoria has now pretty much faded from my consciousness. You may or may not believe it, but I have never set foot in Euphoria since the day I confronted my mother. I’m not sure I ever will.

The Tea Club has a new member. She is a young musician who is in the wind section of the Symphony Orchestra in the city. She also sits-in with a regular jazz group. Her name is Tabatha. Somehow Luke, our talent scout, discovered her. I think her talons are sharper than Oscar’s. She is a worthy member of the team. We have now become the TOTAL Tea Club, with the loss of Naomi and addition of Tabatha. I have assumed Naomi’s role as the designated Tokaji drinker. No one drinks tea, nor will they ever.

Clarence has married Vivvy, moved from Euphoria and has two children. Clarissa has a family as well. She left Euphoria with Teddy the day after their marriage. Teddy has gone into politics, which I guess was no big surprise to anyone. Uncle Toph has a supply of nephews and nieces who always seem delighted to visit, or have us stop in, usually on our way somewhere to sail.

I’m certain Oscar put him up to it, but Gary suggested I write a story – this story.

“Toph, I’m not sure you realize it, but you grew emotionally, in that one year, further than many people do in their entire lifetimes.”

“It was only because of you, love.” Another kiss from me – we have never tired of kissing.

“I hope I helped, but nothing would have happened without taking your daring first steps. Why don’t you write a story about that year? Start around the time of your goodbye dinner and end with the dinner where we got engaged. It was quite a full year!”

I agreed, and wrote Toph’s Full Year in the only style I knew, as a series of episodes. I didn’t want as many episodes as the Texas boys’ story, so I wrote two for each month, twenty-four in all.

I didn’t allow Gary to read anything until it was completely finished. When the time arrived for Gary’s inspection, I anxiously watched him for hours, twisting my hair. At least he laughed a few times! Finally, he came over to the sofa where I had been sweating and gave me one of his patented, wonderful kisses. Maybe it was two.

“This is pretty interesting, love. What are you going to do with it?”

“Put it in the chest with my other writings and the Texas boys’ story. What else? It’s certainly not literature!”

“Well, maybe not exactly James Joyce, but I think there are those who would enjoy it.”

“Who? Where would they even be?”

“The internet. There are sites which specialize in gay-themed stories. Here’s a suggestion. Begin posting the Texas boys’ story as episodes, maybe weekly. If you’re well received, then post Toph’s Full Year. I’ll bet people will enjoy your stories.”

“Love, my year never became full until you proposed. Remember, that incredible event took place at the end of my first year of freedom.”

I told you Gary was so much smarter than I, so I decided to give it a try. I made several changes to protect the identity of the Texas boys, since other people would now be reading their story.

I also decided on a slight, but meaningful, change to the title of Toph’s story.

A related surprise was Chester’s boys, the third of whom has now graduated high school. They all bop in quite a bit. The youngest is Cory. Do you remember Cory, that eight-year-old charmer from Clarissa’s wedding? There was something about him, even at eight. Well, as it happens, he is ‘out’ and now spells his name Kory. I guess, like me, he was sick of all the C’s too. He has decided not to go immediately to college, much to the dismay of my brother, Chester. It struck me that Kory is the age I was, and I am the age Gary was, when my sweetheart and I first met.

Ever since Clarissa’s wedding, Kory and I have become closer. He often seeks me out for advice. The best advice I’ve ever given him is that at 19, you have so much more to learn. In his way, I think he’s repaid me though, because Kory now proudly proclaims he’s taking an empty year, just “like Unca Toph did.”

~ *** ~

End note:

You may have noticed a marked improvement in the writing about halfway through Toph’s year. That’s because a charitable and unselfish AC Benus generously took time away from his busy schedule to offer his insightful suggestions as these latter chapters were written. I didn’t credit him on the title page, because the poor guy shouldn’t be connected to those clumsy first chapters – at all. I am incredibly grateful to him though. So, dragon kisses and a very warm “Thank You” to AC from me, his little lake flower!

And huge thanks to my readers for all the encouraging PMs and wonderful reviews left. I am truly humbled.