The Journal of Chris Williams - 10. Journal 10

Journal entry 13:

Last night was Halloween. I got a reprieve from home confinement and was allowed to get out for the evening. Alpha Jennings invited me to the pack’s Halloween party. Being an invitation from the alpha is not something I would or could decline. He informed me with a stern look that I was at the party to work. A grin spread across his face as he added one of the work requirements was to have a good time. His Enforcer was standing beside him as we spoke. I thought Mr. Tucker was a big guy, but Mr. Hanson is huge and even more intimidating.

The younger pups dressed up as everything from witches and wizards to ghosts and goblins. Seeing a young lycan in a werewolf outfit is always cute. I remember the one I wore when I was little. I worked on my growl and howl for weeks before that holiday. There were twin lunis pups that from what I was told had their first shift about the time I arrived here. They decided to come in their wolf. The pair were a little over five feet tall to the top of their ears. I had to laugh as I watched them stalking around the party, sneaking up behind some of the other pups dressed as werewolves. I had forgotten how fun it was to watch them when their paws are too big, and they haven’t grown to their full size yet. The party was held in a barn owned by one of the members. It wasn’t as big an event as Parker Valley always puts on with the surrounding communities, but it was a good turnout and a lot of fun. Columbia River is so much more spread out, so I guess they can’t all get together as easily as what I grew up with.

I kept mostly to myself at the start of it and watched all the different families interact as a group. After a while, people began to come up to me to talk. They knew who I was and why I was here, but that didn’t seem to make any difference to them. A lot simply came up and said hi while others gave me a belated welcome to the territory. This was my first real public outing since I got here and I had a good time. I helped hand out candy to the pups for a while and watched as some bobbed for apples or played other games. I managed to forget about my own problems for a while and got to know my host pack better.

Kyle’s brother, Aaron, was there with his family. His ten-year-old son was dressed as a vampire, and their six year old daughter was an elven warrior princess. Aaron and his wife were dressed up as well, choosing Gomez and Morticia Addams. She looked hot as Morticia, and he was the perfect Gomez showering his love and affection. It was fun seeing so many of the parents in costume along with their pups. With all the stuff that had been going on in my life, I had forgotten what was really important in the pack. Families enjoying themselves, and the community coming together as one.

It was fun hanging around with Aaron and his mate when I wasn’t helping out somewhere or talking with Kyle or Corey. Kyle’s a big ol’ goof and loves to have fun. He was constantly joking around and making sure I had a good time. He also pushed Corey to be more lively. As Corey and I talked, he told me how he’d gotten in trouble several times all through his teens for bullying others. After he got his act together, he had specifically volunteered to be my escort to make up for the people whose lives he made miserable over the years. Turns out Corey’s so quiet because he had a hard time making friends after everything he had done. He’s worked hard to get past it and said seeing me work so hard to change what I had done… Well, he wanted to be there for me. He suggested we work to keep each other in check and make sure we didn’t return to our old ways. That as friends it was our duty to point out if we were acting like a butt head. That got us both laughing.

If I would have had friends like Kyle and Corey years ago, things would have been a lot different with me I think. Those two are showing me what being a friend really means. Makes me wonder what life would have been like if I’d chosen to be friends with Aiden and his crew instead. Or Connor, Kevin, and Tyler without the Michael factor.

Journal Entry 14:

I never expected to have such a good time at the Halloween party. I’m not sure if it was being out and talking to people more than I had or just the party atmosphere. It could have been the time I spent getting to know Corey better and hanging out with Kyle and Aaron. No matter what it was, I had a great night and felt like I belonged (Correction – I feel like I belong here). Halloween was two days ago, and my mood hasn’t died down. I think even some of my professors noticed it since I was more active in class, and people commented on how nice it was to see me smile.

For every high point though, it seems there is a low that comes along. As good as my mood’s been over the last few days, it came crashing down about two hours ago. Now I’m numb and don’t know what to feel. I just got home from getting called into Alpha Jennings office. I wasn’t in trouble or anything, but he had something serious he needed to tell me. He’d gotten word that Parker Valley and two of its neighbors were attacked last night by a large force. There weren’t many details, but the initial reports said there were several people dead, and an unknown number believed to have been kidnapped.

There was no word if my parents were safe, and he was trying to find out for me. I had grabbed my phone while I was with the alpha and tried to call. My hands shook so bad I could barely hit my contacts list. I couldn’t get through. Both Mom and Dad’s phones went straight to voicemail. Alpha felt it was important to tell me before rumors reached me. Especially since my family was there. Most everyone I knew is there. Rogue attacks against someplace as strong as Parker Valley are rare. Usually they go after a smaller and less defended pack.

My therapist was there when he told me and we immediately went into one of our sessions to talk when I finished with Alpha Jennings. I guess they didn’t know how I would react to the news. I’m not really sure how I should react beyond feeling numb and worrying about who was taken and who was dead.

I kept thinking I knew who was responsible. There had been no word on him since I arrived here, and he was seriously pissed when I left him. If he really was behind it, that was a new low even for him. I shouldn’t be surprised though given what he… what we had plotted. His mind is warped and he’s only out for himself. I feel lucky I finally opened my eyes to what he was. To what I had become as his lackey. I still don’t understand how I was able to stay his friend for so long and take part in the things I did. And I took pleasure in causing that suffering in others.

Kyle and Corey took me home after my session but didn’t return to their apartments. Instead, they grabbed pillows, ordered pizza, and said they would be staying with me in case I needed to talk. I tried to brush it off saying I was okay, but it was Corey who stood in front of me with his arms crossed. “You’re not going to be alone tonight. You just got some seriously bad news, and you don’t even know if your parents are safe yet.” Kyle looked me square in the eyes. “Friends don’t leave their friends alone at times like this.” I’m learning a lot from them and I’m glad they’re here.

Journal entry 15:

I finally got through to Mom today. It was a rough twenty-four hours waiting to get word if they were safe. Mom said she and Dad were fine and helping out anywhere they were needed. The pack was picking up the pieces and mourning those who were lost. She let me know ten people were confirmed dead and at least twenty were missing. As she gave some of the names of a few of their friends on the lists. There was going to be a memorial service in the next couple days for those who were killed. Alpha Stockdale had an emergency pack meeting and let people know everything possible was being done to find the ones behind the attack and bring home those who were taken. She told me how he rallied the pack when they needed it most. The way I used to think of him, I wish I could have seen it with my new perspective on things. Mom had never been more proud to have him as her alpha.

Mom hesitated and said she felt she needed to tell me something. Her words still send a shiver down my spine. “Aiden was out on patrol with the Sheriff’s Department when the attack happened.” I felt my breath catch at her specifically mentioning him regarding the attack. “The leaders believe he’s one of the people kidnapped.” She went on about how several other deputies had been killed in the raid, but unlike them no body was recovered for Aiden or his partner. They all hope the pair’s alive. Word around the pack was Ethan was inconsolable. With everything I did to him in an attempt to hurt Aiden, I can’t imagine what he’s going through right now. I should have been stronger to stand up to Michael years ago and put a stop to what he was doing. I should have told him to fuck off like Tyler did. There are a lot of things I should have done, and it’s easy to see or say in hindsight. At the time I was blind to what I was doing. I hope they find Aiden and the others. Even though I met with Doc yesterday, I just called to go in since I really need to talk to her after finding out about Aiden.

Journal entry 16:

It doesn’t feel that long since I originally got here, and I guess just over three months isn’t a lot of time. Some days it feels like I’ve been here for a lifetime. I had my regular session today with Doc and even though she kind of wants me to write things for future sessions, today’s still heavily on my mind. We talked about my relationship with Michael again. There were things I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about. We do this every so often in hopes I will finally let it out, but I can’t. She knows I’m holding back and isn’t pushing after my breakdown. I’ve briefly touched on some of my demons with her. I hint at what I’m afraid of, and what’s still in the dark, staring back at me like eyes peering through the night watching its prey. I just can’t get it out yet. I’m afraid of Michael still, especially after my old pack was attacked, and people were killed. It isn’t rational to think he would come after me for abandoning him. I mean I’m across the country from Parker Valley, but Michael isn’t rational and neither is my fear of him, so here we are.

Why am I still afraid of the guy I finally stood up to? I mean, the last time I saw him was from the rearview mirror in my car. He was sitting on his ass with a bloody nose in a cloud of dust as I peeled out. I had punched my bully and former best friend. I need to stop using the term best friend since I know he was never a friend. I had fought back the way I wish those I bullied would have fought back against me. I refused to let him use me anymore and took charge of my life. I took responsibility for my life. Well, as much as I could considering I had set rules to follow to get to Oregon. Even with what I did, I’m now afraid of him again. I know in my heart he’s behind the attack that killed ten of my former pack mates even if there’s no proof yet. There’s a part of me that’s afraid of him because he knows where I am. And I’m his former best friend who abandoned him. He took everything else personally, so would he travel across the country to take his revenge? If he was involved in the attack on Parker Valley and the others, he’s capable of anything.

I don’t miss the cocky, obnoxious guy I used to be, but I do miss the confidence I used to think I had. Maybe in time I’ll rebuild my self-confidence and self-worth. Some days are still better than others. I’m just feeling a little down today.

Correction to last comment: I do have self-worth, maybe a little shaky at times, but it’s there and my self-confidence is also rebuilding thanks to my friends here and the rest of the pack that see’s someone worth having around.