The Journal of Chris Williams - 11. Journal 11

Journal entry 17:

It’s almost time for another session with Doc. I’ve given a lot of thought to things since Parker Valley was attacked. When I meet with her, I want to make sure I talk more about the bridge incident. That was my final downfall or my saving grace as I’m starting to think of it. There are also aspects of what happened that day that are indirectly tied to other things I have a hard time talking about. If I lead with the bridge, I think I can get through the rest. I’ll try and write about it here since it seems easier than doing it in person. Also, we agreed I can’t remove any pages from the book. Once I start to get this out, there’s no putting it back in the dark corners of my mind. I need to get this out of my system. I still have such a hard time getting things off my chest and out of my soul. It feels like this journal has become the hammer and pick I use to chip away at the walls of my own mental prison. Someday, the walls will finally come down crashing before the guards stop me. Okay, I think I wasted more than enough time on metaphors while avoiding what I really want to write about, so here goes.

The bridge was a convenient opportunity, plain and simple. I’ve said that before. We had no way of knowing Ethan would be out by himself that day or cross the bridge while we were hanging out under it. It just happened that all the pieces fell into place at that very moment. We had talked as a group, or more to the point Michael talked and we listened, about what we’d do to Ethan when or if we got the chance. When we picked up his scent on the breeze and saw he was alone, we shifted and got ready to execute the plan. Michael issued a final warning and threat to Kevin and Connor when he told them to block the far end of the bridge. If they let Ethan escape, they’d get the human’s punishment for existing. It was exhilarating, stalking out onto the road to block any retreat once he saw the other two. This golden opportunity wasn’t going to be lost since another one might not present itself.

After we had Ethan blocked, he only had one avenue of escape, over the side of the bridge into the river. I’m sure in his short time in town he’d seen people jumping into the water because he moved to the side they always dove from. The trick though is you have to jump in the right spot or you’re going to break a bone. We didn’t care if he was hurt or not when we got to him. Hell, him already being in pain would be a bonus. He backed up to the railing like he might actually jump. We’d already planned for that and hoped he would. It would be much easier than having to drag him under the bridge ourselves. We could get down to him before he had a chance to get away. When we finished, we’d leave the body by the water not caring who found it. How could I even have thought to be a part of that? There is no realm of reality where I can claim to be an angel with how I treated guys who were supposed to be my friends, but to just kill someone because they were a rival’s mate? It was no issue at all for me to do my part as Michael and I discussed it. In fact, I was looking forward to it and though how fun it would be to destroy our enemy’s mate instead of taking him head on. I’m an apex predator, and he was prey. If he ran, our wolves would chase him down and be all the more brutal.

Ethan called out, challenging us to show who we were instead of hiding behind our fur. He even said since he couldn’t tell us by our wolf we must have felt brave knowing he couldn’t identify us. He didn’t know if Michael was with us or not. I think he purposely started insulting him to get Michael to show himself and it worked. When he called him the pack bitch, Michael furiously growled and snapped his teeth; no one, especially a human, talked to him like that. At the same time, I could smell the raw anger pouring off Ethan. I have to give him credit, he faced off with five large and aggressive wolves and there was no scent of fear. It was only anger, rage, and a fury like I had never smelled before. His lack of fear was either stupidity or something that should have given us pause. He couldn’t have known how close to the truth his statement about Michael was.

One thing I’m sure no one but me knew was Michael liked being on the receiving end of things getting rough. Very rough to be exact. He used something to mask his scent to the others and to prevent their scent from showing up on him later, or in him. Just like he would force others like Connor to submit to his abuse, there were a lot of times Michael was the one tied up with his face and upper body covered for all the guys to forcefully take a turn at him. It took some effort with Connor, Kevin, and Tyler, but they complied when given the option of use or be used. The excuse for Michael’s absence from the party was he was watching to make sure no one found us. It was usually some setup where we had supposedly grabbed a guy from somewhere and tied him up to be our bitch. The guy, Michael, was covered so he couldn’t see or identify us. At least that was the story. We were supposed to make it as rough on him as possible, make it hurt, do anything to demean and degrade. Robert always got off on being as abusive as he thought he could get away with, and that fucker had a sick mind. Michael would end up black and blue, sometimes bloody, filled and covered with a variety of bodily fluids from us. When it was over, I never once heard a complaint from him about it getting too rough. Sometimes it sounded like he was moaning in pleasure from it. As if he were enjoying it. I think he did with how many times it happened. I swear I heard him faintly moan someone’s name while he was getting gang banged. Whenever Michael mounted anyone else, he always claimed it was to show his dominance over them. I can only imagine now what it was when he willingly submitted.

Now for the part I always hid from everyone. I’ve avoided saying it before because of the shame it makes me feel, but I think I was the first one Michael ever did that too. Who better than your best friend to force yourself on for the first time? It was a sleepover at Michael’s house when we were thirteen. I woke in the middle of the night to find my hands were tied to the headboard. There was also a horrible taste in my mouth from what he used to gag me. I later found out it was some old underwear he used as a cum rag. He seemed happy I was awake and told me since I was his best friend and his father was the alpha it was time he started showing his dominance over others including me.

I looked around for any escape and thought about shifting. The smirk on his face bordered on evil. “You don’t want to shift. No telling how bad your wrist will get hurt by the rope. Besides, if you do I’ll shift too and it will still happen.” I tried to beg him with my eyes and screams into the gag not to do it. I even tried to fight him as best I could while tied to the bed. I think that made him enjoy it all the more. He didn’t do much to prepare and it hurt like hell. The bastard used his phone to record the whole thing. With me gagged, it sounded like moans of pleasure instead of pain. I stayed away from him for a week or two after that until he used his mind games to get me back in line. He described it as an initiation to be his beta and threw in a threat of the video getting out to everyone. The asshole also had to keep telling me how good it felt to be inside me, and it wasn’t just a one time thing.

He did it to me often for about a year before he got bored. Basically, I stopped fighting him since it only made it worse. He seemed satisfied I knew my place, and he was the dominant one between us. That’s when as a team we started in on others. It didn’t really matter to him if they were humans or wolves. The humans were mostly when our football team had to stay overnight someplace for a game. Grab someone from the opposing team if we lost or just take someone out of the crowd to celebrate our victory. The wolves from our pack tended to be a onetime use so they didn’t figure out who did it, with the exception of our close friends who suffered often. Connor got it the most followed by Kevin to always keep them in line. Michael thought Connor was the weakest of us and used to say the omega was always the bitch. Tyler and Kev used to try and comfort him after we finished with him. There were always mind games along with it to keep them quiet. When I helped Michael force someone to submit, it falsely rebuilt some of what he took from me when I was on the receiving end. It fed into the cruel and sadistic side of me he built. It fanned the flames in me to make others suffer more than I did. I think he liked knowing he created a monster in me and knew he had control over it. And he was right. I was his to command and I never failed him.

I’m not sure what it was when Michael bitched for the guys. Perhaps showing me how much he could take since I was the only one who knew it was him. Maybe he wanted to experience what we put other people through. Whatever it was, Ethan was right that Michael liked to be the pack bitch. I knew better than to ask why he let me and the guys use him like that. If he wasn’t forcing me or others to take it, I would have willingly used him anytime he wanted. Don’t get me wrong, I like women. There are times one isn’t available and any port in a storm works when you are a horny young lycan. Besides, he couldn’t get knocked up, and I didn’t have to buy him dinner or presents. Maybe I’m bi since I did enjoy it with both sexes. I just prefer the softness of a female. Though at times I wondered what it would be like to be with Connor the way I was with the women I bedded. Something mutual if not slightly romantic. He had such kissable lips. I don’t remember consciously having thoughts like that about him or any of the other guys before, but maybe I did and just repressed it so I didn’t screw up. I think I had a little bit of a crush on Connor at one time. Like so many of my feelings, it died while forcing him to take me, relishing his sobs, knowing I caused them.

Did all this sex around Michael mess with my mind? Probably, though I don’t know in what way since it is something I find difficult to talk about. So much about him messed with my mind. Hopefully, like everything else I’ve written, this will help me talk about it with Doc. I’m not sure what I feel today about what I wrote, but I need to get it out in the open. I can’t keep hiding from myself that I was literally Michael’s bitch for a while. Or the fact I was his first rape victim. Maybe someday I can explain to Connor, and Kevin, and Tyler that I know what they went through since I went though it too. That me torturing them was my way of recovering the masculinity Michael took from me. Everything about me was built on the flimsiest of foundations and bound to crumble under its own weight. It sounds like an excuse to justify what I did to them, and I’m not going to make excuses. I do need to tell them something when I’m able to.

I think I’m ready to talk about all this in our session today or at least I hope I am. I’m still scared about people finding out what I did and what was done to me.