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The content presented here is for informational or educational purposes only. These are just the authors' personal opinions and knowledge.
Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are based on the authors' lives and experiences and may be changed to protect personal information. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

My journey through pain - 4. Chapter 4 - Too much at once

The stress of an entire week, compressed into an overwhelming instant.

That's what it feels like, sometimes. A sudden mental extrapolation of every single thing I have to do for the next few days rushes in, making it seem like I have to do everything right then. It's too much, of course. It makes me shake with fear that I just won't be able to do it. I was swimming today at the gym, trying to get through my workout, and at one point it seemed like my motivation drained away and I couldn't for the life of me find the strength to finish the laps I still had to go. It was as if doubt rushed into my lungs like water, choking, sudden. If I couldn't finish my laps, how could I finish tomorrow's? And the weights? And what about the day after that? And what about the stress of the workday ahead? A full 8 hours. Would I even be able to make it through the day, to be professional? And what about the day after? And--

And, and, and. In the end I was thinking about losing my job and ending up homeless in a ditch somewhere, all because I kind of felt like maybe I should finish my workout early because it's an outdoor pool, the water was really damn cold, and I've been swimming a lot lately so maybe I was tired. It sounds kind of silly now that I'm writing it out, but in that moment it felt as if I were drowning. And it happens to me quite often these days. These overpowering anxious thoughts come like thieves in the night and rob me of all power to reason things out. After all, it's not as bad as I'm making it. I should listen to myself and take it one day at a time - heck, one minute at a time. I'll find the strength, I know that deep down. But when I'm struck down by the anxiety, it's all I can do to remain functional so my inner turmoil won't show. It's horrible to be caught up in a whirlwind of every single stressful thing I can think of that the future holds and feel forced to deal with it all in one moment.

I realize these thought patterns are indicative of something not entirely well in my mind. At the risk of making these entries even more personal than they already are (and sorry if it's too much information, but this is one of the few ways in which I can truly express myself without fear), I have been dealing with chronic depression and anxiety for a while now. My psychiatrist has tried lots of medication combinations, but after several years and one too many instances of meds-flat-out-stopping-to-work for unexplained reasons, and horrible side effects, I've just given up on the whole psychiatric medication thing and decided to power through on my own -still going in for counseling, though-. It was going okay until the crisis with my ex, but that violence triggered something in me and now these waves of anxiety come whenever they want, it seems. It's rough. But writing about it like this helps me put things into perspective.

Today, which is special, I've kept telling myself to take it 1 day at a time, to let go a bit and take the day as it comes, just like I wrote about last time. It was hard but now that the day is almost over I've regained a bit of calm. Enough to sit down and write these lines. I do have to say, though - today was the hardest birthday I've ever had. It had never cost me more effort to smile as my loved ones sang 'Happy Birthday', but I fought for it, and the smile I had was genuine.

 

Hugs,

Albert

Thank you all for your continued support and comments. I find this journal is helping in its own way, if only as a locus for my thoughts, as a way to acknowledge them. Sorry if stuff is getting too personal, but I find it helps me to share it.
Copyright © 2018 albertnothlit; All Rights Reserved.
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The content presented here is for informational or educational purposes only. These are just the authors' personal opinions and knowledge.
Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are based on the authors' lives and experiences and may be changed to protect personal information. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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StonyCreeker

I won’t command you to “Have a Happy Birthday” (any more than I would demand someone “Have a nice day!”) but I will wish that you do/did/will have one. 

 

Your writing is not TMI. It’s real and honest. And totally familiar. It’s unfortunate that your psychiatrist couldn’t find a combination of meds that could at least take the edge off of the “pain” without unbearable side effects. It’s also not that surprising. It took my health care providers and me decades to come up with a combination that works for me. As I’m sure you’ve experienced but others reading this might not know, antidepressants and accompanying adjunct therapies aren’t happy pills. They don’t make you happy. The best they can do is keep the low times from being as deep as they might otherwise be, giving one the ability to either build up some psychic reserves or at least keep those reserves from being drained as quickly. Unfortunately, they all come with side effects. Most aren’t life threatening but are very annoying like the inability to achieve orgasm (period, nope not happening, almost...almost...fuck! It’s gone) or sweating if you do nearly anything. The most powerful ones have the worst side effects like uncontrollable tremors or feeling completely spaced out all the time. 

 

I do hope your therapist is able to help you with the very hard work of taking control of your brain and retraining it to stop automatically sending you to places that are both unpleasant and untrue. That’s what I’m still working on but it’s quite difficult especially when outside events ambush me and drain all the reserves I’ve  managed to horde.

 

I look forward to the day when you post that you’ve recovered enough that you enjoy writing fiction again. I remember when I used to check this site literally every day to see if you’d posted anything new. You have a great ability to suck me into your writing, making me care about your characters and enabling me to suspend disbelief. That’s something that most of the writers on this site can’t do for a cynical old curmudgeon like me. 

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Jdonley75
17 minutes ago, albertnothlit said:

Thank you so much, guys. Today was especially hard for me because it's supposed to be a happy day, you know? I'm scared of having a panic attack in the night. But I'll try to sleep a bit.

What will be will be, dear.  Remember what you said the other day about just letting the fear go through you instead of fighting it?  Don't be afraid and ignore all the lies your fears try to whisper in your ears.  :hug:

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