CRYSTALLINE - 13. She Must Still Love Me

Shortly after her husband’s arrest, Patricia started weekly counselling sessions, but after two months she had made no improvement and the sessions became twice weekly. Not only did her depression not lift but it was interspersed with periods of anger.

“That is not unusual in such cases, Patricia” advised her psychiatrist “You probably feel you are swinging on a pendulum. Is that right?”

“Yes, one day I just want to stay in bed and not face the world, then the next I feel like shouting to the world how bloody angry I am that I’ve been put in this situation. Then I take to my bed because I can’t face my sons, knowing I have failed to protect them”

“Guilt is a strong emotion Patricia but very often misplaced. None of this was your fault. It is entirely your husband’s. You can’t hold yourself responsible for what you didn’t know about”

“I can prescribe something to help with the depression, but not the anger. Any medicinal help in that regard would be contra to the anti-depressants. I would like to try a different approach for the anger, if you are willing”

“I’ll try anything doctor. I just can’t go on like this. I’m even avoiding my sons because I just can’t cope and it frightens me that I might do something desperate in their presence. They have already been through more than any teenage boys should have to endure”

“It would be good for the three of you to support each other, but I won’t recommend anything that could counter what their counsellor is advising them”

“So what is it you suggest I should do about the anger?”

“Now hear me out before you react. Your anger is understandably directed towards your husband, is that correct?”

“Of course, who else but the filthy, poor excuse for a human who doesn’t know the first thing about being a good father”

“As I expected, now I want you to practice between now and your next visit forgiving your husband for causing you this pain and making you feel this way”

“But there’s no way in the world I can forgive him for what he’s done”

“I know that, but I did ask you to hear me out before reacting”

“Sorry, go on doctor”

“I asked you to forgive him for making you feel the way you are, not what he did. Can you see the difference?”

“I think so, but not real sure”

“Look at it this way. You can’t change what he has done, that is I should say, what he is accused of having done, agreed?”

“Yes, but...”

“But you can change the way you feel about it. You have control over your own feelings. There are techniques you can practice to change the way you feel. I’ll give you some written material to take home and try”

“Ok, I’ll try anything so that I don’t constantly feel my insides are tied in knots”

“Good, wanting to change, that’s the first and most important step”

***

Four sessions later Patricia asked her psychiatrist “Now I’m feeling a bit better, do you think it would help if I confronted my husband and told him how I feel about him?”

“I wouldn’t recommend a confrontation, but it might help if you meet him on neutral ground and tell him you forgive him for making you feel angry. You can make it clear, but not in an aggressive way, that you don’t forgive his actions, just the way it makes you feel. Would you be prepared to try it that way?”

“Yes, I think that might help”

“Excellent, now remember don’t be aggressive or accusative. Remain calm and remember you are there for your benefit, to make yourself feel better, not to make him feel worse”

“I don’t care how he feels”

“As may be, as long as you mean it. Don’t try to guilt him. The purpose of your meeting is to help clear your mind not to antagonise him. Have you got that clear?”

“I’m pretty sure”

“Good, remember it’s all about your healing”

“Thanks”

***

Patricia called a surprised Tony.

“I didn’t expect a call from you”

“I suppose not, but we need to talk”

“Sure, but firstly how are the boys?”

“They’re as well as can be expected, under the circumstances”

“I suppose they’re upset by my arrest”

“That’s probably the least of their worries after what you did to them”

“But I didn’t....”

“Shut up Tony, I don’t want to hear your lies. We all know what you did”

“Don’t I deserve the opportunity to defend myself?”

“I’ll leave that up to your solicitor, I’d rather not talk about that right now”

“So what do you want to talk about?”

“My therapist says it would help me to get rid of my guilt for not protecting the boys and also the anger I feel towards you, if we met and talked about things”

“Sure, where to you want to meet? I can’t go over there because of my court order. Do you want to have lunch somewhere? You choose where”

“Maybe we’ll have lunch after we talk, if things go well. I’d like to meet somewhere less public than a cafe. What about that lookout in the mountains we used to go to?”

“Sure, when?”

“Tomorrow, say eleven o’clock”

“Ok see you then and thanks for giving me this opportunity to talk, I really appreciate it and looking forward to it”

“Bye Tony”

As Tony hung up it occurred to him that the lookout suggested by his wife was actually the place where they first met.

He had gone there with a carload of his mates and they were just opening their beers when another car arrived with four girls, all giggly and chatty. The men all looked at each other in a way they all understood meant, we’re onto a sure things here guys. Rather than chat up any particular woman, Tony invited them all to join the party “We’ve plenty of beers to share” one said. During the course of the afternoon Tony invited Patricia to take in the view from the lookout and then they went on a bush walk. From that day onwards they kept regular company and eventually married, only a year later.

He now thought she must have chosen that particular place for a reason as it was there special place. He suddenly felt a warm feeling and realised his wife was going to forgive him, or at least give him the chance to explain his side of the story. ‘She must still love me’ he said softly ‘That’s a positive step’.

***

Tony made sure he arrived early and while looking at the view remembered the early days of their relationship and how good those days were. But ‘where did this all go so wrong?’ he wondered. ‘Never mind, she’s giving me the chance to put things right. After all it’s not like I did anything wrong, I never touched the boys or anyone else, for that matter. What harm can looking at pictures and videos do? The solicitors will sort this out and I’ll soon be back home with my family’

When he heard a car approaching he turned away from the lookout, walked to the back of his car and leaned against the boot so his wife could see him give her a smiling welcome.

Patricia saw his cocky stance and suddenly her blood boiled. Instead of parking beside his car, she sped up and headed directly for the back of his car.

Sensing she was not going to stop in time, he stepped aside. Patricia slammed her car into the back of his, then backed up and aimed at her husband, now standing in the parking space beside his car. He ran to the safety fence, but she kept coming towards him, so he jumped over the safety barrier, stood behind it and held on to the rail. As his feet started to slip from under him, he gripped the rail even tighter.

Then realising she was going to hit the barrier he let go and attempted to scramble down the steep slope but slipped on the loose gravel, rolled a few metres and dropped over the edge to the bottom of the valley.

Patricia hit the safety barrier that stopped her car from going over the edge. But she couldn’t see anything, just white light, then she realised the air bag had fired. As she pushed it away, she felt a sharp pain in her chest caused by the air bag explosion.

She eventually removed the remains of the air bag, felt her chest to ensure there was no serious damage, put the gear in reverse and backed up slowly. The car seemed to be going fine so she drove off before anyone arrived.

On the way home she went over the events that had just occurred. ‘Why did I do that?’ she asked herself ‘That was not the plan. I only wanted to talk to him and tell him how bad he made me feel and how disappointed I was with him. Fuck what have I done? Nothing really, now I think about it. I didn’t actually hit him with the car, he jumped over himself, it wasn’t me. I can’t be blamed for any of this. I didn’t even get out of the car, I didn’t talk to him, there’s no evidence I was even there. That’s it, I wasn’t there, he must have fallen over the fence accidently, poor bugger. Yes that’s what happened’

She continued her drive home now relaxed, having convinced herself she had done nothing wrong. ‘My husband had an unfortunate accident and I will be shocked and naturally show some grief when I’m told’.

As she pulled into her driveway she had another thought ‘He may have taken his own life by jumping over the cliff, because he could not stand the shame of what he has done and doesn’t want to face a trial and possible imprisonment. Yes, that’s a more likely scenario. I’m sure when his body is eventually discovered that will be the most obvious conclusion drawn by the police’

Because there were no windows in her garage, Patricia was in the habit of turning on the car headlights as she parked. But the lights did not come on, then it occurred to her why. She put the gear in reverse and backed out of the garage onto the driveway. She returned the gear setting to drive and hit the accelerator heavily. When the rear wheels stopped spinning the car was propelled forward crashing into Tony’s workbench and pushing it through the back wall of the garage.

Patricia then calmly turned off the ignition and exited the car. As she slowly closed the car door she took in the sight of the back wall of the garage now reduced to a pile of brick rubble part in the yard and part on the front of her car. She noticed the camping gear had fallen off the shelf onto the brick rubble and the garage roof was hanging precariously. As she turned to walk away she heard another crash and looked around to see a box of Christmas decorations had fallen off the shelf. ‘Um that adds a festive touch to the scene’ she said audibly.

Patricia spent the rest of the day on the phone to insurance companies, lodging claims for her car and the building damage.

***

The home insurance company had insisted the car not be removed from the site until they were able to inspect and assess the damage as well as determine the cause of the damage. This meant the car insurance company could not remove the vehicle, although they did determine from their inspection that the vehicle would be a write-off and said they would pay out the value of the car.

***

When the police missing persons’ bureau collected all the information about Anthony Ricardi including his charge of child abuse, the location of his vehicle and being estranged from his family they decided to inspect the site where the vehicle was found in the national park.

The first thing that seemed odd was the damage to the back of his car. There was clear evidence that another vehicle had hit the back of his. They called in the scientific division who retrieved paint samples from the vehicle as well as blood and skin samples from the safety barrier around the edge of the carpark.

This evidence prompted them to organise a search of the area behind and below the lookout. It was three days before his body was found in very inaccessible forest at the bottom of the valley.

A few days later the property damage was assessed, the claim accepted and the company rep advised the vehicle insurance company that they could remove the car.

A tow truck arrived later in the day, towed the vehicle to a wrecking yard and put it in a secure area until release by the insurance company.

When the two police officers went to ask Patricia to identify a body found at the bottom of the valley, they noticed the damage to the garage, but did not ask about it at the time. It was not until they put together the scientific evidence from the site where Anthony Ricardi’s car was found and the paint samples from the damaged car, that his wife became a person of interest.

“Tell me something Anne” asked the lead detective “If you were going to jump off a cliff to end your life, how would you leave skin and blood samples on the safety barrier. Wouldn’t you just jump over and run towards the edge?”

“Not necessarily, you might pause for a second thought or to remember those you will leave behind”

“Possibly, but why grip the safety barrier so hard that you break the skin and cause bleeding?”

“I don’t know”

“Because you’ve been forced to jump the barrier when something or someone is after you. But you hang on tightly until the last second. Thereby scraping the skin and drawing blood”

“You mean he didn’t jump willingly? So who made him jump?”

“Whose car was sitting in a damaged garage, when we first visited?”

“You’re right, the wife”

“And I’ll bet my boat that when we get the socos to compare the paint from the rear of the abandoned car and the wife’s damaged car they’ll be a match. Grab the keys, we’re going to visit one Mrs Ricardi”

***

When the detectives arrived at the Ricardi home they found Patricia Ricardi bleeding to death and had her rushed to hospital.

They then went to the damaged garage, but the vehicle was not there, so they returned to their office. A few phone calls later, they located the vehicle at a wrecking yard, had it removed and impounded at the police garage for scientific examination.

By the time the paint matching results came back they were ready to arrest and question Patricia Ricardi. Enquiries at the hospital revealed their suspect could not be interviewed because doctors considered she was not in a suitable state of mind to answer questions rationally. The investigation was put on hold until she was given clearance by her doctors.

That never happened.

*****