Love Like Lithium

[Irony]

I'm probably in the wrong forum, but here goes.

 

I added my story a few months back, but it was rubbish so I took it off and rewrote it.

 

Unfortunately, it's still equally (if not more) rubbish, but I was just wondering what you thought.

 

Plus, I was considering writing more for this story, or do you think I should just leave it where it is?

 

Love Like Lithium

[CarlHoliday]

It's certainly not rubbish. A little tidying up and it'd be a great story as it stands. It moves along quickly and brevity is its charm. Sometimes it's better to not fill in the cracks.

 

Carl

[Graeme]

I agree. There are some things that can be improved, but all the basics are there. The story idea -- what I think is the most difficult part of the writing process -- is solid and strong. Don't give up

[Bondwriter]

I agree with what was already said. It's a good short story, exploring a mental condition. Maybe a few "he" should be replaced with the actual first noun, since it doesn't seem to be the purpose to confuse the reader, but whether Laurie is real, a ghost or an "imaginary friend" is better left untold. Get an editor. It helps a lot to get rid of all these minor problems. Otherwise, well, just go for it and write!

[Benji]

I agree with what was already said. It's a good short story, exploring a mental condition. Maybe a few "he" should be replaced with the actual first noun, since it doesn't seem to be the purpose to confuse the reader, but whether Laurie is real, a ghost or an "imaginary friend" is better left untold. Get an editor. It helps a lot to get rid of all these minor problems. Otherwise, well, just go for it and write!

 

 

........I thought it was a good short story, and I agree about getting an editor. I think you could keep on writing a few more chapters if you wanted, I would read it.

[Bondwriter]

I meant "write other stories", but apparently you've got fans of L.L.L. (had you ever realized it was a three-letter acronym? )

[Irony]

I meant "write other stories", but apparently you've got fans of L.L.L. (had you ever realized it was a three-letter acronym? )

 

Yeah, I have realised. It wasn't intentional, though.

 

And I'm torn between writing another part and not.

If I carried on, I have some ideas where it could go, but no strong ones. And I don't want to risk ruining it.

[Benji]

Yeah, I have realised. It wasn't intentional, though.

 

And I'm torn between writing another part and not.

If I carried on, I have some ideas where it could go, but no strong ones. And I don't want to risk ruining it.

 

 

.......I don't know, why not give it a shot?

[Irony]

.......I don't know, why not give it a shot?

 

I supose I could write it, and if it sucked, I could always scrap it.

Thanks for your help. :]

[Ieshwar]

Ok, I don't know much editing stuff and I liked what I read. It's a good story and I would like to read more of it!

 

Ieshwar

 

P.S- Isn't Laurie a girl's name?

[Conner]

For me, your story came across as more of a narrative poem than prose, in the sense that there are more images than content, flashes of reality mixed in with non-reality For example...this works well in a poetry format

 

Images of his sallow stalker flashed through his mind;

lying against the school's lab desks,

Laurie's kiss like chemicals.

 

 

Now I happen to love poetry. "sallow stalker" is really nice. You make excellent use of similie.....

 

as silent as a fox

like ivy on a stone angel.

their cigarettes alight like argon in the darkness.

The cold felt like paper cuts

They say your love is like Lithium.

 

Prose or poetry, I enjoyed it. I am uncertain as to whether you could write a full story this way. Then again, maybe you're another Homer in the making.

 

Conner

[Irony]

P.S- Isn't Laurie a girl's name?

 

It's both.

 

From Behindthename.com:

 

LAURIE

 

Gender: Feminine & Masculine

 

Usage: English

Pronounced: LAWR-ee

 

Pet form of LAURA or LAURENCE.

 

For me, your story came across as more of a narrative poem than prose...

 

I've never really though of it like that...it wasn't intentional. (alot of what I write seems to be unintentional, maybe I should stop planning and just type. :S)

 

Thanks for the feedback though. :]

[Bob D.]

Ok, I don't know much editing stuff and I liked what I read. It's a good story and I would like to read more of it!

 

Ieshwar

 

P.S- Isn't Laurie a girl's name?

 

Ever heard of Hugh Laurie? There's no indication that he's calling the "invisible man" by his first name... and even if he was...

 

Laurie could be a nickname for Lauren or Laurence (i.e. Robby for Robert)

 

Bob