Should Children Support Parents in Old Age?

[methodwriter85]

In Seattle, they have this newspaper called the Stranger. In one column, called "I, Anonymous", people are allowed to rant at other people behind an anonymous name. There was a submission entitled, "The Gifts that Keep on Sucking", where a 30-something son is ranting at his materialistic baby boomer parents for depleting their savings and constantly giving him gifts when he would rather they save money. This is what the son said:

 

My wife and I are frugal thirtysomethings who can afford little but want less. You are our boomer parents, soon to be mooching off of us because you couldn't stop yourself from buying the option-ARM McMansion and the new Acuras every two years. Stop buying us "gifts." Every time you give us a present, all I can think is, "That's thirty bucks we could've put toward your nursing home, but instead you got us this sh*tty chip and dip that's going straight to Value Village." —Anonymous

 

 

It's gotten a fair amount of comments, and I think it's a pretty interesting- do we owe it to our parents to take care of them in old age? Should we still take care of them even if they hadn't been very finanically responsible?

 

Another interesting thing at play here, I think, is the generational clash....Baby Boomers grew up in a time of affluence, and were told to spend and consume from a very early age. This Baby Boomer mentality about conspicious consumption helped lead to things like suburban sprawl, massive consumerism, credit card debt, the housing crisis, etc etc etc. It seems like the next generation, the Gen Xers, learned to be more fiscally responsible because they came out of college during the early '90s recession and saw that the material consumption of the Baby Boomers didn't really lead to happier lives. So it's fascinating, I think, to see how two different generations react to the same issue- financial prudence- and see how different those reactions are.

 

For me, I'd help my mother when I can. I don't think she's going to be alive, though, when I hit my mid-30's because she's already 64 and she's got a lot of health problems. She is similar in being pretty financially irresponsible, which does anger her kids, but we already kinda figured out who's taking her if/when she needs to be taken in.

Edited May 18, 2011 by methodwriter85

[One Cheap Suit]

Do we owe it to our parents to take care of them in old age?

Should we still take care of them even if they hadn't been very finanically responsible?

Do you want to put them in a government run nursing home instead? Put em out on the street?

 

What are the alternatives? Should we be put them down like an old dog?

Edited May 17, 2011 by bigdave976

[JamesSavik]

I find the generalizations about the various generations nauseating.

 

There are irresponsible people in every generation.

[Agaith]

If I had the capacity to help my parents in old age then I would. They gave me every opportunity they could in order to succeed now, so if I can I woud certaintly give something back.

 

I'd also be more inclined to help them because they are very careful with money and mum keeps a tight hold on the finances

[option]

Do you want to put them in a government run nursing home instead?

 

& who pays for the government run nursing home?

You!

whether its private or public, your paying for it

[One Cheap Suit]

& who pays for the government run nursing home?

You!

whether its private or public, your paying for it

 

Yeah but have you seen some of these government run nursing homes? I did IT support for some a few years ago, and it was like Nova Prospekt in there. If any of my tax dollars are going there, it's not many of them

[Tipdin]

Certainly, many baby boomers are honorable people that have lived honorable lives. As we all know, there are always bad apples that get the majority of the attention and focus. When generalizing about boomers, there are some trends that have been documented, studied, and analyzed to death. Boomers did (and do) tend to overspend while not giving their children the best environment or education for maximizing their children's potential. Many boomer's children are copies of their parents - spoiled brats. They seem to be arrogant, entitled egomaniacs. However, I choose to focus on the children that became well-adjusted regardless of their environment - and there are many of them.

 

A child's relationship with their parents is a complicated thing no matter what generation one is lumped into. My own parents were miserable failures. They set nearly every bad example you can imagine. My siblings, all now in their middle-aged years, continue to struggle with everything from paying bills to keeping a roof over their heads. My parents are approaching 80 years old so technically, they are not boomers, but they are examples of how many boomers lived - from moment to moment, thinking of themselves, not planning for the future, and not protecting their children.

 

My parents are not malicious people, just misguided and immature. They are actually a lot of fun and sweet, they both have a great sense of humor. My father has Alzheimer's and has managed to keep his sense of humor even as his abilities fade away. They are at a point now where they realize they cannot live on their own, yet they have no money saved and no ability to improve their situation. My siblings are not able to give financial help so my folks are sort of stuck making the best of what they have.

 

Without trying to brag, I am in a position to be able to assist my folks; however, because of some VERY bad choices on their part regarding me, I am not going to help them.

 

I owned a business where my parents and siblings worked as my employees. After 10 years, my folks decided they knew what the business needed better than I did, and made a very hostile takeover. Long, dirty story, short, it ended with me being kicked to the curb without a dime. I was homeless and had no money or job - they had effectively stripped me of everything I owned. I was raising my 6 nieces and nephews and was forced to return them to their respective parents. I had to start life all over again.

 

As it turned out, I ended up making plenty of money again, and started a relationship with my current partner. About four years after taking over the business, my parents and each of my siblings were forced into bankruptcy when the business they took from me went out of business. Everyone lost everything they had; homes, cars, jobs, income. What was supposed to be my dream job and life's work had been ripped from me and torn to shreds. Years later, everyone kissed and made up, but a sacred trust was broken and it will never be rebuilt.

 

My parents have ALWAYS been terrible money managers and stole from me more than they would ever be able to replace. So if they cannot afford to stay in their home - a home that has no mortgage - then they must find their own answers. I will not bail them out. My siblings, who live near them, have been able to help my folks clean the house, cut the grass, shovel the snow, etc., but none of them can help out with money. Sometimes, the consequences of our actions are overwhelming. If my parents are overwhelmed by their circumstances, it is a situation of their own making, a situation that I at one time would have stepped in and made better. Because that sacred trust between parent and child was so utterly ruined, I feel sad for my parent's but not responsible for their care.

[Cyhort]

Nope. I've never bought into the whole "you always help family no matter what" thing. Just because someone gave birth to me or has the same family members as me doesn't mean I'm in any way obligated to help them when they screw up their lives. That being said, if my parents were in trouble I'd help them if I could because I love them and they're generally good people but I'd be doing it because I wanted to and could, not because of some sense of familial duty or whatever.

[JamesSavik]

This whole thread sounds like there are more issues than financial between parents and their adult children.

[Docile]

This whole thread sounds like there are more issues than financial between parents and their adult children.

 

When you struck it, would you say it rang a middle c?

 

Nope. I've never bought into the whole "you always help family no matter what" thing. Just because someone gave birth to me or has the same family members as me doesn't mean I'm in any way obligated to help them when they screw up their lives. That being said, if my parents were in trouble I'd help them if I could because I love them and they're generally good people but I'd be doing it because I wanted to and could, not because of some sense of familial duty or whatever.

 

I have to agree with this sentiment. It works the other way as well. There are certain people, mostly older than myself, who have done a lot for me. If ever those people needed help, I would provide all I was capable of providing to ensure their continued high quality of life. I have no idea what my father's finances are like, but my mother is unlikely to have any problems when she retires. If she does, my sister and I wouldn't hesitate to pick up the slack.

[One Cheap Suit]

Eh. I made one of those deathbed promises to my dad that I'd pay for my mom's health insurance until she qualifies for Medicare, which happens in November.

 

No one in my family will end up in a nursing home unless it's medically necessary, and certainly not because it would be inconvenient to move them to one of our houses. My sister built her house with an in-law apartment on the ground floor specifically for this reason. No one in my family will end up broke, on the street, or abandoned unless they choose to live that way.

 

That's how my family is. Regardless of financial conditions, if I can afford to help a family member, I will. I'm glad I have family that will help me when the time comes.

[Former Member]

If they were good parents to the child while growing up and have remained so in what ever way they can do. Then I'd say yes.

I couldn't have asked for a better mother growing up and even today she's still there for me in what ever way she can be. I'd support her in anyway I can, if and when she needs it.

My father on the other hand is the complete opposite. We dont speak and haven't for six years and don't plan on it any time soon.

[Graeme]

My personal view is that, in general, children should help their parents when their parents need that help (generally old age, but there are exceptions that), just like parents should help their children when their children need that help.

 

That's in general, but there are always exceptions. Tipdin gave a good example of such an exception with his personal story. So I see it as a guiding principle, not a strait-jacket to be blindly followed. That makes the second option in the poll the closest to how I feel, but I don't think parent frugality is the criteria to be used as to when to deny help - it's one criteria, but it's not the only one or even the major one, and maybe insufficient by itself to make the judgement call.

[Michael9344]

Parents are the reason why we're here. And no matter how bad they were when you growing up, believe it or not they had something to do with what you've become now. Even though my dad is not walking in the right direction, it won't sit well with me to leave him on the streets 10 years to come. In my society, when your parents find themselves in a dump you're expected to salvage them. Not because you love them but you it's your obligation. There are no homes here and leaving on the streets is an express gateway to untimely death so children are often times left with no choice but you to take care of their parents. Women take in their mothers when they become sick. Sons provide for his parents and pays their bills and all. It might be ethically wrong, but it's socially right. On my part, I would gladly take in or take care of my mother when the need arises. Not to honour the unofficial social rule, but because I love her and will do anything possible to show her that. She is best mom in the world and anything I am and everything I'm going to become is because of her and her efforts. My dad... well, I won't really provide anything for him directly. He has been the one tint on my childhood and I don't think I would ever help him directly. But As long as mom is alive, he won't starve.

[TalonRider]

I work for a County owned and run Nursing Home. The saddest thing is the number of people that will take their loved one to a nursing home and then don't go and visit with them. They just don't want to be involved in any of their care.

 

On the flip side of this is the family that comes in daily to visit.

[Bumblebee]

No, I don't like my parents... no way in hell would I lay out a cent in supporting either of them

[Tomas]

Mother always said that she would never want to be a burden to her children.

 

My Farther died a few years after I graduated from high school and that left 4 siblings at home. Mother went to work and supported and took care my brother and sisters until they graduated from school and were out on their own. She continued to work and lived independently and continued to do so even after she retired. She couldn't drive so one of my sisters, who lived near by, would take her where she needed to go, grocery shopping, the doctor, etc. In 2001, when she was 83, she contracted pneumonia and ended up in the hospital. When she was told that she would have to go into a nursing home or live with one of her children she said from her hospital bed, "I'm tired and just want to go to sleep" and she did. Those were the last words she spoke. I firmly believe that she willed herself to death rather than be a burden to her children.

 

Take care

Tomas

[Tipdin]

Mother always said that she would never want to be a burden to her children.

 

My Farther died a few years after I graduated from high school and that left 4 siblings at home. Mother went to work and supported and took care my brother and sisters until they graduated from school and were out on their own. She continued to work and lived independently and continued to do so even after she retired. She couldn't drive so one of my sisters, who lived near by, would take her where she needed to go, grocery shopping, the doctor, etc. In 2001, when she was 83, she contracted pneumonia and ended up in the hospital. When she was told that she would have to go into a nursing home or live with one of her children she said from her hospital bed, "I'm tired and just want to go to sleep" and she did. Those were the last words she spoke. I firmly believe that she willed herself to death rather than be a burden to her children.

 

Take care

Tomas

 

I believe this is possible. I have a few similar stories. One's mental state is extremely influential.

[AFriendlyFace]

I picked "Yes, there's no excuse not to support your parents when they're old." Although that might be a tad more extreme than I would word it. I think simply put parents should always support children - no matter what - and that by the same token, when it comes back around children should support parents no matter what.

 

I think that certainly there are scenarios under which supporting one's children is no longer feasible or advisable, and the same goes for children supporting parents, but I think in an ideal world - and barring quite extreme circumstances - that relationship should, ideally at least, be a constant source of support in both directions.

 

I don't think a "parent" is necessarily a biological mother or father though, just as a child isn't necessarily one's biological son or daughter. The biology of the situation is sort of irrelevant, but the relationship matters - alot - and if it's a true and valid relationship then unless it gets very toxic I think the support should be more or less unconditional.

 

-Kevin